For Your Happiness

Chapter 4

Usagi made her way back home slowly and with a heavy heart. She could not stop her doubts about Mamoru's feelings from growing with every step she took. Ever since she had discovered that she was the reincarnation of Princess Serenity and acquired the Princess' memories there had been several times when she had wished to be more like her past incarnation. How wonderful would it be if she could finally make her family and friends proud? If only she had the grace and poise and intelligence that Serenity had possessed in such abundance.

Tsukino Usagi had come a very long way since the day she saved a talking cat from the torment of a gang of young boys. She doubted whether anyone else had any idea exactly how far she had come from those days. Oh, she knew the scouts and Luna were aware that she was much less of a crybaby and a bit less clumsy than she had once been but she wondered what they would do if they knew how much she had learned about the Ginzuisho and her inevitable fate.

Come to think of it, Usagi herself probably never would have realized what fate had in store for her if it had not been for the attack of Doom Phantom and the Black Moon family. There had been several things that had worried Usagi after the Black Moon ordeal had ended. Why had Chibiusa not known immediately that Sailor Moon and Neo-Queen Serenity were one and the same? Why had King Endymion sent those dreams to separate Usagi and Mamoru? Why hadn't Usagi been able to recognize the Neo-Queen as being her future self?

These questions had spun around in Usagi's brain for weeks before they began to make sense. It had taken a review of Princess Serenity's memories of the Silver Millennium for the truth to finally take shape. Back then, Sailor Venus had been the leader of the Sailor Senshi and Princess Serenity did not fight. Yet her reincarnation is somehow able to transform into a Sailor Senshi when no Senshi of the moon previously existed? Even Princess Serenity had asked her mother about the existence of a Sailor Senshi of the moon and had been told that no such warrior could exist. The Ginzuisho was too powerful to be used to transform a person into a Senshi; the power would overwhelm the bearer. That was why Luna had given her the Moon Prism brooch when they first met; it had been created so there could be a Senshi of the moon.

However, when the Ginzuisho was inevitably recovered and the Negaverse forces destroyed, Usagi received a new brooch which utilized the power of the Ginzuisho. Somehow, Tsukino Usagi was able to bear the Ginzuisho as a weapon in battle, not just as a last means of defense. Usagi had achieved what no other bearer of the Ginzuisho had ever achieved by becoming Sailor Moon while using the crystal. This left her with the question of why she could become Sailor Moon while Neo-Queen Serenity could not. There was only one possibility, the thought of which had shaken Usagi to her core; Neo-Queen Serenity was not Tsukino Usagi. Usagi had been unable to see herself in the Neo-Queen because there was no trace of herself there to see.

This also explained why King Endymion had sent Mamoru those nightmares in the hopes of separating them. He had lied when he had claimed it to be a test of their affection for one another. In truth, he had not wanted Mamoru to become attached to Tsukino Usagi because one day she would disappear forever. The truth had hit home again when Chibiusa had pointed out all the differences between Usagi and her mother, Neo-Queen Serenity. People could change over time, Usagi knew this, but there was no way she would have changed that much. She would never willingly give up the ability to become Sailor Moon just so she could sit safely in a palace while her friends fought to protect her.

One day, there would be a battle over control of the crystal and Tsukino Usagi would lose to the Moon Princess. When that happened, Usagi's personality and soul would be extinguished and her body would become that of Princess Serenity. Usagi had accepted this fate and refused to mention it to any of the scouts or to Luna. In fact, she had even hidden the truth from Mamoru. She had decided, entirely on her own, that she would remain as no one but herself for as long as she could. She would not live as Serenity would have and she would not remain with Mamoru if he was with her only because of Serenity. Instead, she would let Mamoru live a normal, happy life of his own choosing and force Endymion to find someone else.

After all, Endymion did not really want to be anywhere near Usagi at all and it was unfair to force Mamoru into her presence merely to wait for the emergence of the Princess. The Prince was probably disappointed that Usagi was so different from Serenity while all of the other reincarnated Senshi were exactly like their past selves. Meanwhile, Serenity and Usagi were as dissimilar as night and day. Where Serenity was shy, quite, and wary of others Usagi managed to be outgoing, loud, and trusting of everyone. Serenity would spend hours and days planning how to trick and outsmart her enemies while Usagi would find ways to embrace them and make them her friends.

Somehow though, while everyone else hoped that Usagi would be more and more like Serenity, Usagi herself had noticed something that made her believe it would be better if Serenity disappeared. Serenity, unlike Usagi, had a history of failing when success mattered most. When the forces of Earth attacked the Silver Millennium, Serenity had failed to do anything but let her friends and loved ones fight for her. Usagi had never willingly allowed her friends to die for her and, when she was unable to stop them from sacrificing themselves, she vowed to bring them back and succeeded in doing so.

When Crystal Tokyo was attacked by the Black Moon family, Neo-Queen Serenity failed to protect her kingdom. She separated from the Ginzuisho and left it virtually unprotected. It was not Princess Serenity that fought to save Mamoru from Zoicite or who fought to save Tomoe Hotaru from Pharaoh 90. In fact, even against Beryl, Ail and En, and the Black Moon it had been Usagi who had called forth the power of the Princess to save the people, the Princess had not volunteered to help save them.

It was clear that Princess Serenity wanted to avoid fighting at all costs, even when the battle was unavoidable. In a way, Usagi could understand the Princess' point of view. After all, she was constantly protected by bodyguards; she had never had to fight her own battles. Usagi, on the other hand, had been given no choice but to fight. She had been told that her world was in danger, that those she loved were being threatened and that everything would fall to ruin if she did not stand and fight. What else could she do but stand and protect them?

If Mamoru was in love with Usagi, she would do everything she could to maintain who she was into the dawn of Crystal Tokyo. If he was willing to stand by her, as the person she was now, then she would know that she was just as worthy of being loved as Princess Serenity. If he could not love her as herself, then she would not fight Princess Serenity for the crystal when the time came, she would merely allow herself to be extinguished and hope the Princess could handle the burden of protecting the world Sailor Moon had loved so much. This would ensure that Chibiusa would be born, no matter what. If she was truly the daughter of Endymion and Serenity then her existence would not hinge on the relationship of Usagi and Mamoru continuing.

Sighing and with the weight of the world on her shoulders, Usagi took the last few steps toward her home. Quietly slipping through the front door and slipping off her shoes, she made her way silently up to her room. Being careful not to wake the sleeping cat at the foot of her bed, Usagi slipped carefully under her blankets and fell into a blissfully dreamless sleep.