Make me just as small as Sniffles
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.

PLEASE don't ask me HOW I know about this, I wasn't even BORN yet. I'm a total comic book fanatic and I guess I found out thur sheer osmosis.(Did they mention Mary Jane and Sniffles in "All in Color for a Dime?")
There was once (back in the 40's!) a comic book character named Mary Jane who could make herself as small as her pet mouse Sniffles by saying:

"First I shut my eyes real tight, then I wish with all my might! Magic words of poof, poof, piffles, make me just as small as Sniffles!"
(Was there ever a cartoon based on her? I swear I remember seeing one.) I was hoping there was a comic of hers in digital comic museum com so I could give them a free plug...think I just did, anyway.

Inspired by "Gone with the breeze" a Chip 'n Dale Rescue Ranger story in Disney's Adventures, March 11, 1991.

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"Oh no you don't. You ain't making me as small as a fly again. Once was bad enough." Launchpad told Griz of SHUSH. (1)

"Launchpad, we will be making your plane the size of a mouse, not a fly." Griz replied.

"That's a great improvement? Besides, don't you mean the size of a BAT? Mice don't fly." Launchpad pointed out.

"I don't have a "batman" fixation like that fool DW does!"Griz said.

Launchpad muttered under his breath, something about the kind of "superhero" DW was. Something about pigs flying sooner.

"We want to shrink a plane to mouse size and it's pilot, too. We want YOU to be that pilot, you're the greatest pilot there is! Besides, YOU designed the plane we're shrinking! And you have experience with this sort of thing!" Griz said.

"Experience with you shrinking a plane to fly size, which was a bad idea. If insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, what is doing something that didn't work before, only ever so much more so? " Launchpad asked.*

"It didn't work because you were too small. This time you will be somewhat bigger. We think it will work this time." Griz replied. "We tried remote controlled drones, but they don't always do what we want them to. And there is always the possibility of terrorists hacking into them and crashing them into things.

"Or even just practical jokers hacking into them and crashing them into things because they think that's FUNNY." Launchpad said with total disgust. (2)

LATER...Launchpad talked it over with me and I talked him into it.

"SHUSH will keep bugging you until you do something for them, once you work for them at least once per year, they leave you alone. This is just testing a plane. Why not do it and get them off your back?" I asked. "I'll do it with you if you like."

"Good idea. SHUSH will pay more for both of us. And they do pay well." Launchpad replied.

So we agreed to test fly the new plane. This was such a far out idea they PREFERED to have a co-pilot.

So, SHUSH used some sort of shrink ray on us.

"Who invented this thing, Hank Pym or Ray Palmer?" I joked.

Launchpad laughed.

"They don't have a plane." Launchpad replied.

So, Launchpad flew the teeny plane out a window into the MUCH greater than usual outdoors. I was riding shotgun, looking out the windshield, keeping my eyes open for Trouble.

"Hmm. We seem to be flying fast enough and we can fly high enough, so that's an improvement on last time." Launchpad said.

"And we're big enough to avoid trash being blown on the windshield." I replied. "Maybe this isn't such a bad idea after all."

I KNEW I shouldn't of said that even as I said that. Hardly were the words out of my big fat beak did our teeny plane get caught in a strong wind. We were suddenly flying WAY too fast.

"Can't control it!" Launchpad said, fighting the wind.

"Let me help!" I replied.

And I grabbed the co-pilot controls and fought the wind with him. The tiny plane came under something resembling control, but the wind was so strong and the plane was so little...we were biffed and buffed like we were on a billion Cyclones (3)

Then Murphy's Law struck. A large bunch of mylon balloons caught in the same wind got tangled in our plane. (4) The helium filled balloons made our tiny plane so light that now we couldn't control the plane.

Our plane now went where ever the wind was going. We were blown up and down, here and there and it was all we could do to keep from crashing against a first a steeple, then a window washer...a flagpole...
THEN, a peregrine falcon mistook us for a pigeon and grabbed our plane in his/her/how should I know talons.

We didn't want to hurt it, a peregrine falcon is the fastest bird that flies and Launchpad respects that sort of thing.

Luckily, the falcon soon noticed our plane was made out of metal. When it's talons failed to crack open our plane (yes, we WERE scared!) and it's beak couldn't peck it open, it dropped us in disgust.

Good news, the falcon's attack at least cut the balloons string.

Bad news, the falcon's attack damaged the computer guidance system designed by three guesses who. Launchpad's plane was too tough to be damaged, the computer stuff was DELICATE.

Computers malfunction at temperatures that humans can stand. They're uncomfortable, but they can stand it. Computers can't stand dirt, dust. Not to mention liquids.

And people think sending probes into space is a GOOD idea? Only because they are dispensable.

The falcon finally gave up and let us go.

"Whew!" Launchpad said. "What a relief!"

Then he TRIED to fly the plane. The computer refused to do anything he wanted. I'm talking MUCH more than a computer refusing to do want a mere wormlike "human" wants.

Finally, Launchpad just pulled the computer stuff right out. Lord knows how many modern "pilots " can't fly without computer guidance. But Launchpad can. And he taught me how.

Soon, Launchpad had the plane under control again.

"We better lower our attitude to get out of the wind. And head back home." Launchpad said, "I think we've had enough for one day."

So Launchpad flew closer to the ground, out of the wind, where he thought he'd be safe. Then it happened. We flew under a drainpipe without noticing it until it poured what seemed like tons of water on us. Launchpad had to get us out of the way of the water, post haste.

It was a good thing Launchpad had torn out the computer guidance, the water would have ruined it. Especially since the falcon had already damaged it.

THEN, Launchpad turned the plane back towards home. This time, we managed to return to SHUSH headquarters without further disaster.

I removed the video camera we had put in the plane and hid it in my purse. I had brought it to the plane the same way, earlier. IF SHUSH knew it was in there, they'd never let us keep the film it had taken. But what SHUSH don't know...

"Did being shrunken to mouse size work out OK?" Griz asked.

"It worked a little better than being fly size. Which isn't saying much. We could fly high enough and we could avoid flying trash. But being a little bigger meant we were at the mercy of the wind. One good breeze, and we were out of control." Launchpad reported.

"And a falcon mistook us for a pigeon. Which was NOT fun." I added.

"Looks like we're going to have to stick with the probes. At least they're just machines, so it doesn't matter if they are wrecked." Griz replied.

We smuggled the video camera out of SHUSH successfully. And took it to a certain nutty inventor who reminds me of my high school science teacher, Mr. Cohn. Who was a nice enough guy, but all the kids walked all over him. With cleats.

Ugly Twerp managed to turn the film into a video game. And we all made mucho lira off it. SHUSH had to pretend it was just a video game, they didn't want to admit it was based on real events.

THE END

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(1) Read "Fly in the Ointment" by Me. Please.

(2) That's my problem with having people ride remote controlled cars. Even if terrorists DON"T try hacking into the system and crashing the cars into other cars, practical jokers who think it's FUNNY will try that.

(3) The roller coaster at Luna Park, Coney Island.

(4) OK, technically, the string holding the balloons got tangled in our plane. Happy?

STRAYING COMPLETELY OFF TOPIC ALERT! STRAYING COMPLETELY OFF TOPIC ALERT!

What to tell kids about Lance Armstrong and other cheats: The Truth.

Just because somebody is good at a sport, is good at a game does not automatically make them a paragon of virtue. To assume so, never mind demand so is to set yourself up for disappointment. They are human beings. Some are good. Some are bad. Most are fair to middling. It's OK to admire them for how good an athlete they are, but maybe you shouldn't admire them as a human being unless you know them as a human being.

Ty Cobb from all reports was a miserable excuse for a human being. Honus Wagner reportedly was the biggest mensh on two feet.