All I remember is pain and death. Sorrow and tragedy. Horror and nightmares. Sometimes, there's a voice that cuts through the darkness. Sometimes I am not alone. But those times have become scarce and lately I cannot seem to see anything past the blinding terror. I think it's because the voice is gone. I think he is gone. No. I know he is gone. That's right. They called his name. They took his voice away. They took my voice. And now he is trapped in the world of darkness and nightmares. He needs my voice now. But I don't know where he is to give it him.
They called my name too. But I didn't have to go back. Maggy made sure. Mags saved me. Someone is always saving me. When will it be my turn to save someone? Can I save anyone? I don't think I can. I can't save myself. If I could save anyone though, it would be him. Sometimes, even though his voice isn't here, I can still hear him. I think it's because he's on the television. I try to pretend that he isn't there. I try to pretend that they never called his name. But the doctors have told me to stop pretending. Everything hurts less when I do though.
Today I can see the television. I see him. He's in a jungle. He is alive. I don't know how though. They've run through acid fog. And fought off killer monkey's. But he's still alive.
Everything is getting hazy again. But then suddenly it is more clear than it has been for weeks because I hear him. He's screaming. He's screaming my name. Over and over and over again. And I can hear myself screaming. It takes me a minute, but no. I'm not screaming. So why do I hear it? The television. The television is pretending I'm screaming. I am shaking. How dare they use me against him? They are pretending! You're not supposed to pretend! Someone takes hold of my hand but I don't care. I am angry. How long has it been since I was angry? "Don't you fall for it Finnick! That is not me, don't listen to them!"
The television leaves him and focuses on the girl with Finnick. She's also screaming someone's name. The television is pretending for her too. No Annie. Not the television. The Capitol. They are the pretenders. The wall separating Finnick and the girl from everyone else comes down and I feel jealous when the blonde boy takes the girl in his arms. I want my voice, my Finnick to hold me again. I'd give anything.
That girl loves that boy. She loves the boy with her. I know because she cried when he died. But she was lucky. She had my Finnick to save him. Finnick is always saving people. He saves me a lot. Even when he isn't here.
There is no television in this room. There is not even a reflection of his voice to comfort me here. This room is cold. And all white. I hate white rooms. They're cruel. Nothing but white is blinding. It's cold. There's nothing in a white room worth remembering. And so that is what I do. I forget. I try to forget the random pains of needles poking me. I try to forget the hands that touch me in places only Finnick is allowed to touch. I try to forget the voices that are not his. I try so hard to forget. But it's like trying to forget that place where everything was blue and people died. The arena. It's like trying to forget your worst nightmare. Just when you think you'll never remember such misery, something happens to bring it to the front of your mind. A new cruel voice. A new foreign touch. A new spot unharmed by needles. And everything is bad again.
I have something around my wrists holding me down. I cannot do this anymore. I've tried calling Finnick but nothing happens. Where is he? He always answers me. Everything hurts. They've stopped pricking me with needles but they haven't stopped touching me. I know what this is. This is rape. I remember this happened to me a long time ago. But Finnick stopped it. He never told me how; he never told me. Even then I knew he had to have done something big to make it stop. He never tells me how. But he can't make it stop now. They took him back. They took him away.
Someone made it stop. Someone with a gun. I don't know who, but now I have a blanket around me. I forgot what it felt like to be covered.
Finnick. That's all I can hear when they talk to me. Whoever saved me told me Finnick was waiting. If they're pretending I hate them. But they aren't pretending because I see him. I see Finnick. Finnick! I know I'm running because he's getting so much closer. I ram into him full force and we fall against the wall. I don't care that I'm in just a sheet because I'm with Finnick. He's okay. He's alive. They gave him back. My beautiful Finnick.
Everything is so much clearer when I am with Finnick. My thoughts are not so jumbled. I can remember things. He asks me about what they did to me. But I don't tell him. I think he knows anyway. They asked Finnick and I if we wanted to get married. We did. We are. I love Finnick more than words can say, more than thoughts can think. So of course I married Finnick.
The doctor in District 13 told me I have a baby growing in me. I have a little Finnick inside of me. I can't wait to tell him, but he's not here right now. He won't be back for a couple of days. He's off doing something for President Coin. But he'll be back.
I'm back in the world of nightmares and terrors. Darkness and silence. I can't see again. I forgot what dry cheeks feel like; what a throat that isn't raw from screaming feels like. Even a white room would be welcome. At least in every white room I've been in I knew Finnick was alive. But he isn't anymore. He is not anymore. I can't catch my breath. I think it left with him. I still think at least. Is this thinking? Or is silence finally getting the better of me. I can't tell. Are my eyes even open? They must be because everything is shaking and I know the room is still. It must me shaking.
I felt the baby kick for the first time today. I forgot about the baby. But I felt it kick. And then I remembered. I have a baby inside. I have something in my stomach that is part of Finnick. He didn't leave me all alone. He gave everything he had to me and the result is this child inside. This precious little unharmed baby is ours. Finnick did not leave me. He's still here. And I know now. It's my turn to save someone. It isn't pretend. I can't pretend. They told me not to; but I won't stop for them. I will stop for him. I feel him kick. My baby. My baby. My baby. Our baby.
Author's Note: This is my first time writing from Annie's point of view and I really hope I did okay. In all honesty, despite how short this is, this was one of my favorite pieces to write. Something about Annie has always stuck out to me, even though we don't get too much of her in the books. I feel like there was this part of Annie that was just so damaged nothing could repair her. Not even Finnick. In this story, she's still so broken, even with Finnick. But everything was clearer with Finnick, but not clear.
Also, yes I mention rape which is another first for me. But I did this because in Mockingjay when she first is rescued, she is in nothing but a sheet which leads me to assume that terrible things were done to Annie.
Anyways, thank you so much for reading and I hope you like it enough to review!