August 23, 2012 – National Cherries Jubilee Day
Summary: **Part of the 2012 LiveJournal's Twisted Shorts August Fic-A-Day** series, also known as the 'Wacky Holiday Series'. Buffy meets the lamest vampire ever!
Challenge: for the livejournal 2012 August Fic-a-Day Challenge.
Warning: somewhat crackfic maybe. And also not real kind to David.
Timeline: post-season 3 for BtVS; vaguely during season 3-4 for Roseanne, but change the dates so they line up.
A/N: This is a really goofy story brought on by a real life conversation with a friend about phobias. Probably not at all feasible behavior for the vamp.
Disclaimer: BtVS/AtS characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy. Roseanne characters belong to Roseanne Barr, Matt Williams and ABC. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.
Rodbell's department store snack counter
Buffy slipped away from her mom and aunt to do a little shopping by herself, but took a break when her stomach threatened to chew its way to freedom and food.
She stopped short when she walked into the almost deserted diner and saw – of all things – a vampire licking red juices off his lips and chin. Why did this have to happen on her vacation?
It didn't occur to her that the waitress at the other counter was upset by the apparent death of her co-worker…wherever that person was. Actually, the waitress didn't seem to even notice Buffy's entrance. Wow, if she had been that lazy during her summer in LA, she would have been fired the first day. Apparently this…Roseanne woman had better luck with her boss.
Stalking over to the vamp, she pulled out her stake and shook it at him. Hissing quietly so she didn't get the waitress' attention, Buffy said, "Listen, you blood-sucking leech-"
She wasn't even able to finish her threat before the vampire started whining, "Don't say that word! It makes me sick!"
"What are you talking about?" she asked.
"That 'b' word…I'm scared of it," he explained.
'B' word? Blood? A vampire who's scared of blood?
Before she could even deal with that weirdness, he cried out again, "Ah! Fangs!" and started whimpering at the pointed teeth in his mouth.
That finally got the waitress to look over. She moseyed over and started to comfort the vampire. "There, there, David. Just relax and the bad old fangs will go away."
Buffy could feel a headache coming on. "You do know he's a vampire, right?" she asked Roseanne.
"No! I thought he just had really bad dental work!" the woman snarked.
"So does he drink animal blood or something?" Buffy asked, ignoring the cry of distress for her use of the 'b' word again. She had to know if he was a danger to people or not.
"No, he takes vitamins and minerals to get what he needs," Roseanne said. "We also figured out that he needed to drink something red; something mystical about it or something…I don't really know. Since today is Cherries Jubilee Day, he had a bowl and drank some of the liquefied filling to go with it. Other days he has tomato juice or raspberry sauce…that sort of thing."
Okaaaay…this was high on her weird-o-meter, but Buffy just had to know one more thing, "Just to be sure, he isn't a danger to humans, then?"
Roseanne snorted, "Only our sanity. I'm not sure what normal vampires are like but I doubt they're scared of – David, plug your ears for a second and hum – blood, darkness, violence, biting, fangs, and a bunch of other things. At least we are pretty sure he can't get our daughter pregnant anymore."
Buffy shook her head again in disbelief. "Okay, but you know how to kill him if he ever goes 'grrr', right? Wooden stake to the heart, sunlight, beheading?"
"Or I'll just lock him up with my mother for a day and he'll kill himself," Roseanne quipped semi-seriously.
A/N: The timeline for Roseanne might be a little skewed, but I thought using David as the vamp would be funny, and I wanted to use Rodbell's instead of Roseanne and Jackie's restaurant.