Author's Notes: The timeline is seriously out of whack here. This is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, not informative. The orc's words are complete nonsense.

Disclaimer: All characters (except Tagoz, my orc) belong to Tolkien.

If Your Nightly News Covered The Silmarillion

"It is quiet tonight in Arvernien. But only hours ago this sanctuary was under attack as Fëanorian militants struck at Doriathrin refugees. For the third time in less than a millennium, ethnic violence flared between the Noldorin sect and the Teleri. For more on the story, we go to Celeborn at the Havens."

"Thanks, Elrond. At the heart of the dispute between these two peoples is ownership of the Silmaril, an object of religious and historical significance to both these peoples. As we understand it, that artifact was lost in the fighting today."

"Will this put an end to the violence?"

"Well, the Teleri certainly hope so, but my heart tells me that we won't see a resolution to this conflict for at least a half-century."

"Celeborn, reporting live from the Havens. In environmental news, Eithel Ivrin supporters praised the decision to name the contaminated waters to the list of Superfund sites. Our correspondent Voronwë Aranwion has the story."

"They were once known for their beauty and claim historical significance as the site of the Mereth Aderthad. But over the last century, toxic dragon sludge has turned these pools into deserted wasteland. Nearby residents left their homes, citing health and aesthetic threats, but did not forget the pools they once loved. The designation as a Superfund site, they say, is the first step toward restoring Eithel Ivrin to its former beauty."

"Tonight our special feature focuses on efforts to revitalize Northern Beleriand. With more on the story, here is our lifestyles correspondent, Melian."

"When Angband became a prison, property values in this neighborhood plunged. But a new trend sees exiled elven royalty - popularly known as Eeries - moving back into the region in droves. We talked to Maedhros Fëanorion about his decision to build a realm in the shadow of the prison."

"The land is cheap, you can build your dream fortress here for the same amount you'd pay for a few rooms back in Formenos. Our whole block has been bought up by elves who want a nice place without the hassle of a long commute to work."

"But gentrification does have its detractors. Orcs, the indigenous population of the region, complain that the cost of a filthy cave is now beyond their modest means."

"Bzesl grah na bog fro xhtik. Uzlr kdar goz neez ik." ("We can't move south, because there's no bus service to Angband. And in the east the dwarves chase us out with axes.")

"Like many orcs, Tagoz works at the prison and does not welcome the newcomers to his neighborhood. In response to acts of vandalism, which Maedhros and other exiles blame on the orcs, newcomers to the neighborhood have begun the Siege of Angband. This neighborhood watch group admits that their goal is to drive orcs like Tagoz out of the area and close down the prison. Back to you, Elrond."

"In economic news, the Middle-Earth Stock Index fell yesterday after the announcement by Turgon's Westward Cruises that the fledgling company has decided to write off the seven ships lost at sea earlier this century. While many investors rushed to dump their Turgon stocks, the MESI saw a slight rise later in the day when it appeared that mutual funds were holding steady."

"Elrond, the mutuals are looking at the long-range possibilities, and many experts welcomed the move by Turgon, saying that it will allow them to focus their capital on subsidiaries with more potential. New initiatives could prove quite profitable down the road, but analysts caution that it may be another Valian year before investors reap the benefits."

"Thanks, Galadriel. Now to Olórin with sports."

"I'm out here at the Echoriath where the Elves are getting set to take on the Orcs. There's a big crowd on hand, and they're expecting a hard-fought battle. Things could get ugly tonight - these two teams just don't like each other, and officials could be throwing a lot of flags for unsportsmanlike conduct. At a press conference earlier this week, Elves owner Turgon claimed that Morgoth, owner and general manager of the Orcs, stole many of his players to form the Angband franchise. Gondolin is favored to win tonight, but it could turn into a long one if their defense breaks down. The Orcs think they have a pretty good chance to steal one on the road; they say the Elves aren't expecting them to show up."

"Any advice for folks on their way to the game?"

"Yes - officials are urging fans to avoid the Cirith Thoronath; evidently there's a Balrog in the road. They're hoping to have that cleared out before the end of the game."

"And finally, you may want to put away that tanning oil for a while; Círdan is here with the long-range weather forecast."

"Elrond, you definitely won't be needing that tanning oil for a while, but a wetsuit might come in handy. We're expecting heavy flooding here in Beleriand, and officials have begun to evacuate the Thangorodrim neighborhood due to reemergence of volcanic activity there. It's a good time to buy a boat, but you might not want to purchase any seaside property over the next few years."

"Thanks, Círdan. Well, that about wraps up tonight's news. Stay tuned for teen sensation Mary Sue in our premiere broadcast of 'Seven Half-Elven Brides for Seven Mirkwood Brothers'."