They wouldn't let him go to the crime scene. They said he didn't need to remember her like that.
Ryan was the first on the scene. The one to watch her fall. He hadn't spoken since. It's been hours, and Esposito said he just sits there.
Lanie got the call before discovering who the victim was and threw up at a crime scene for the first time in years. Perlmutter was called to take over.
Everyone was there. Everyone but him.
His phone had first gone off during Alexis's graduation ceremony. He'd sent the call to voicemail and turned his phone to silent. He's not sure if he feels guilty about it, that he hadn't been there immediately when the news came, or grateful, that he had such a turning point in his daughter's life untainted by the tragedy.
Maybe, if he'd answered the call when it first came, he'd be able to be there, instead of corralled by uniforms a block away.
He can't see her. They don't understand that he needs to see her. They don't understand that he walked away and now she's dead and he needs to face what he's done.
He needs to see her one last time. No matter how broken or bloodied, no matter what the 14-story fall has done to her body, he needs to see her. Because he can't handle the fact that he walked away. He walked away and he let her die, and if he can only see her, then maybe it won't be his fault. Maybe it'll be some monster who took her from him, instead.