What to Wear at a Betazed Wedding
By Galaxy 1001D
Star Trek and all related material are © Paramount Studios. This story has been written solely for entertainment. The views expressed herein do not necessarily express the opinions of Paramount Studios, the author, or this website.
Nearly seven hundred meters in length, the Sovereign class starship USS Enterprise 1701-E thrust its way into the darkness of interstellar space at speeds defying 21st century imagination.
Second Officer's Log Stardate 56654.7. It is a time of change for all of us aboard the Enterprise. Commander Riker has been promoted to captain and will be reassigned as the commanding officer of the Titan. Counselor Troi has agreed to marry him and accompany him to his new assignment. The happy couple has agreed to a double wedding, one on Earth, one on Betazed, in order to honor the customs of their respective cultures.
Lieutenant Commander Data studied the collection on his table with a critical eye. As an android, the etiquette and nuances of human custom continued to evade him despite the installation of an emotion chip almost eight years ago. The organic humanoid concept of style was a particularly tricky one, for style always changed, depending on location both spatially and chronologically. As an officer in Starfleet Data seldom had to concern himself with style. At work he simply wore his Starfleet uniform. At formal occasions, he wore a dress uniform. He was almost never in a civilian setting.
Now he was attending a traditional wedding on Betazed, where he would not be wearing a uniform of any kind. It was times like these that a fully sentient individual had to ask for the opinion of a friend to gain an outside perspective as a frame of reference.
He looked up when he heard the door chime. There was that frame of reference now. "You may enter," he said as he walked towards the door.
The doors hissed opened and in walked Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge the Enterprise's chief engineer and Data's best friend. "Hi Data," he greeted. "What can I do for you? What is it that you wanted to talk to me about?"
"Geordi, I asked you to come to my quarters because I wanted to ask your opinion on what would be the best thing to wear to a traditional Betazoid wedding," the android replied as he led the engineer into his quarters.
Geordi frowned in confusion. "What to wear? What are you talking about Data? I thought that the only thing you wear to a wedding on Betazed is what your Creator gave you. I mean, everyone at a Betazoid wedding is in the nude right?"
"That is correct," Data nodded, "but as an android I have options which are not available to most lifeforms." When he led his best friend to the collection he had arranged on his table, he didn't notice the look of horror in Geordi's artificial eyes. "Here is a collection of phalluses that I have constructed and arranged for comparison. Despite being an instrument of waste disposal, it is also a symbol of masculinity throughout most cultures. Which one would be the most appropriate to display at Will and Deanna's wedding?"
It took several tries for Geordi to get his mouth to work properly. "I… I… I don't know what you mean!" he stammered.
"Should I attempt to put my best foot forward as it were, and install this large one I call 'the Klingon', or would I risk upstaging the groom? Should I instead use this tiny one in order to blend in to the background and not call attention to myself? Or should I try this 'middle-of-the-road' model based off an average of the comparative sizes of the Terran and Betazoid norm? What is your opinion, Geordi?"
"I… I… I don't know what to say," Geordi gagged. Suddenly he felt quite nauseous.
Data frowned thoughtfully at him. "Are you feeling alright?"
"What?" Geordi said as he tore his eyes away from the grisly assortment on the table. "Sure!" he said as he backed away slowly. "Fine! I'm good Data. I'm fine!"
Data frowned and blinked twice. He opened his mouth and closed it as his head jerked left and right while attempting to fathom his friend's reaction. Finally he decided to continue with his presentation. It was better to discover how an organic being would react now than at the wedding after all.
"Aside of size, there are many other factors to consider," he continued. "For example, although the customary orgy hasn't been practiced for the last quarter century it's possible that Laxanna Troi might insist on it. Therefore I have constructed a variety of reproductive implements depending on the situation." He pointed down at the table. "This one, as you can see, is ribbed for her pleasure. This one can adjust to a variety of sizes depending on the vagina that will be receiving and this one… Are you alright Geordi?"
Geordi was now even further away than he was before. He was still gagging and sweat had broken out on his coffee colored skin. "What? No I'm fine Data. Don't mind me. Continue."
Data frowned and twitched as he glanced back and forth at his collection of phalluses and the face his shaken friend. He pointed to another one. "This is the one I'm particularly proud of. Since I'm familiar with the technique known as 'oral pleasure' I've created this one with the ability to urinate various beverages depending on the set of canisters installed in the accompanying scrotum. So far I have had best results with tea, cola, milk, and pulp free juice. I had hoped to use lemonade or cream since they best mimic the natural substances leaving the penis but they tend to clog the urethra. Geordi, are you feeling well?"
"You know," Geordi gasped from the door. "Maybe you're right. I'm really not feeling so great. Must have been something I ate. I better go see Doctor Crusher and make sure it's not something serious. But before I go, I just want to say that you might be overthinking this, okay? Captain Picard is the best man. All you have to do is show up and wish Will and Deanna well."
"Thank you Geordi," Data nodded. "Perhaps you are right. It is their day after all. It is possible that my dilemma was caused by an unconscious desire for attention."
"Yeah," Geordi nodded. "That's probably it. See you." Strangely enough, after leaving Data's quarters Geordi didn't go to sickbay but he did go the officer's lounge and order an alcoholic beverage.
"I don't know why you seem so nervous," joked the tall and bearded William T. Riker as he sat down at Geordi's table. "I thought that I was the one who was taking the big step here," he winked.
Geordi groaned and shook his head. "Ah… it's Data. He's got me all worked up about the wedding."
"Oh really?" Will Riker smiled mischievously. "You're worried about the one we're holding on Earth?"
Riker laughed out loud. "Hey if a nude wedding on Betazed bothers you ask Doctor Crusher if you can get your old VISOR back. You won't have to see a thing."
"That's not a bad idea," Geordi groaned.
"So what did Data say that upset you?"
"Ah... it's nothing," Geordi shook his head again. "Just if he offers you a glass of lemonade, decline politely."