All characters, locations and institutions used through this work of fanfiction belong to Marvel Comics and Disney. Well, save the DC cameos, that belong to, guess what, DC. Shocking, huh?
I'm making no profit at all out of this.
Any similarity of any of this with real life is either a coincidence or you reading way too much into it.
BEST LEFT UNTOLD TALES FROM THE MARVEL UNIVERSE
Part 1: The Marvel Age of Super Shames
Now this is good.
Finally, I have been able to find a constant, reliable source of relaxation to calm the inner beast. Who would have thought it? Despite considering myself fairly scientifically advanced and caught up to the current times, I never was truly Internet-savvy. Years and years of being on the run will do that to you.
Now, however, I have found this hobby is perfect to keep the Hulk down. It never fails to amuse me, navigating through the unending paths of the Information Highway. Okay, and the porn is useful at times, as well. Betty is far, far away, after all.
No. Mustn't think of her. Let's see what do we have here... What is this link? It seems a funny image board for cartoons. Childish as these things can be at times, they're also harmless, and bring their own kind of joy to my jaded heart. '4-Chan'? What a funny name. Okay, now what...
What is THIS...?
Doctor Bruce Banner's eyes bulged out, and veins pumped up on his head, protuding under his skin.
Then he began to seethe...
"Thirty nine wounded, sixty destroyed houses and five hundred million dollars in other property damage in the latest rampage of the green skinned savage behemoth known only as The Hulk. The Mighty Avengers have been called to the area to investigate, find and stop the beast; their leader, Captain America, has admitted having no knowledge of the motives behind Hulk's current rage, but promised any guilty parties would be found and properly punished—"
Then they chorused. "Spider-Man, prepare to die at the hands of The Sinister Six!"
Spidey blinked. "I'm assuming Ock doesn't know about this yet?"
It's all Your Fault
He looked dashing in his black tuxedo.
"Reed Richards, do you accept this Latverian tyrant to love and respect as your wife, in prosperity and poverty, in health and ill, until death does you apart?"
He looked lovely in his wedding gown.
"Victor Von Doom, do you accept this superheroic genius adventurer to love and respect as your husband, in prosperity and poverty, in health and ill, until death does you apart?"
"Wotta revoltin' development!" Ben Grimm cried from the back seats.
Father Howard the Duck coughed to impose silence, then imposed his hands on them. "In that case, by the sacred power that has been bestowed upon me, I declare you hero and arch nemesis. You can kiss the murderous megalomaniac." A pause. "WAUGHH!"
Doom woke up with a start.
He shook an armored fist up. "Stupid Sexy Richards! RICHAAAAAARDS!"
Captain America pointed ahead with a red-gloved hand and shouted, majestically and over the sounds of the explosions, "AVENGERS ASS—!"
"HULK SMASH!" Hulk interrupted, leaping ahead with a mighty roar.
Kang the Conqueror broke into laughter, slapping his knee.
Hulk stopped, utterly mortified. "Oh, sorry. Hulk jump the gun again, right? Hulk sorry to puny humans! Hulk sorriest one there is!"
"You kill me, Hulk!" Kang guffawed. "Avengers ass! Really, that's so completely imbecilic it's priceless!"
Cap nestled his face on his right handpalm. "Hulk, for the last time, there are no individual battle cries in team efforts. Okay, can we repeat the take, please? Everyone, back to your positions, okay, that's it... Now... AVENGERS ASS—!"
"FOR ASGARD!" Thor cried out before realization sank in. "Oh. My apologies."
"Avengers ass for Asgard!" Kang laughed again. "You fellows just have to do this on purpose...!"
"So this is why the Justice League never bothers with battle cries..." Cap mused.
"Well, good job, Avengers!" Captain America congratulated his weary but triumphant team. "The crisis is averted, the universe is saved, and I have a feeling we won't see Thanos ever again... for the next six months!"
"Yes..." Iron Man pondered, somber. "But I can't help feeling something is not right here."
"What do you mean?" asked the Wasp.
"Well, " Stark started, "Think about it. Think about what happens during all these long universal crisis we have to defuse once or twice a year. This time, none of us died, none of our dead comrades returned from the death, and none of us turned evil. It's so strange..."
"Now that you mention it, yeah, it feels kinda weird, but hey, it's better that way, isn't i—" Hawkeye puked a mouthful of blood as Iron Man shot a repulsor ray through him. "... Shit."
As the body hit the cracked ground, Stark turned to his teammates' angry accusing glares and shrugged, "What? He'll be back right after Thanos anyway!"
"For far too long, that accursed Squirrel Girl has vexed, foiled, humbled, thwarted, tormented, confused, trumped, and yes, even fucked us up!" Doctor Doom addressed the assembled villains at the Grand Royal Hall of Latveria's Castle Doom. "But today, that changes! Because DOOM,in his infinite wisdom, has found the perfect living weapon to use against her!"
"Wait, " Purple Man said, "Has she actually fuckedyou guys? Because she never fucked me! Not fair!I want to tap that too! I..."
Doom blew Purple Man's head right off his shoulders, bowed to the ensuing applause, and continued, "Reaching across the dimensional limits was child's play to one with Doom's intellect and resources! And I located the logical enemy designed by nature itself to crush her! Behold! The ultimate enemy of all things squirrel! I give you... A HAWK!"
He gestured to the tall and muscle-bound man with wide feathered wings and a big-honkin' mace who had just stepped out from behind the hall's red curtains.
"HHHHAAAAAAAAAWWWWWKKKKMMMMAA AAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!" the man made a pitch perfect imitation of Birdman's yell.
The crowd fell into stunned silence.
Until Whiplash shyly asked, "But isn't he a hero?"
"Last week, my history was rebooted so I'm a villain now, " Hawkman stoically said. "I suggest you to take advantage of this before I'm rebooted again next week."
And so, Hawkman went and killed Squirrel Girl, probably by telling her a complete recounting of his creative history. Unfortunately for Doom, as Hawkman's life story was redone next week, Squirrel Girl's death was retconned as well.
... And so, the X-Men defeated Shuma-Gorath at the chilling price of Sunfire and Kitty Pryde's old schoolgirl outfit they had to stick him into...
Where it Hurts
"Hello, Hall of Justice, Superman here."
"Oh, hello, Supes. It's me. I was just calling to know how were you doing, and what's going on with your Justice League movie."
"Um, well, yes, it's... it's going fine, really. We should have an announcement ready for 2015..."
"Seriously? That's great, buddy. We'll make sure to check it out after we're done with our sequel. So, what's your lineup?"
"Ah, well, we don't know yet... But I'm sure I'll be there... and Batman and Wonder Woman, and... Is that snickering I hear behind you?"
"Oh, nooooo! That superhearing must be playing tricks on you! Now, tell me, no director hired yet?"
"No, no director, or scriptwriter, or... You're really enjoying this, aren't you?"
At Avengers Mansion, Captain America shook his head as his teammates rolled across the floor in laughter. "Now this is just petty..."
"Hush, hush, " Hawkeye silenced him. "Now ask him if he thinks they're going to get it out before the Guardians of the Galaxy movie is finished, Tony!"
Six Men and a Baby
The six of them looked down at the tiny bawling bundle left at their doorstep.
"The safety of our perimeters has been compromised!" Doctor Octopus barked after his initial shock. "Octobots! Locate the intruder who brought this and destroy him, her or it!"
Several flying drones with multiple tentacles buzzed into life. "Yes, Sir!"
Then one of Octopus' own tentacles leaned against his ear. "What? Oh, you are correct, Mo. Yes, it wouldn't do. Octobots!" he recalled them. "Bring him, her or it alive instead so we can torture the truth out of him, her or it!"
"Excellent! Now, Octobots, transform and roll out!"
As the drones dispersed in all directions, the Chameleon asked dryly, "You always wanted to say that, didn't you?"
"Oh, as if you didn't!"
"I wasn't raised as a geek, so no, I never did..."
"Ahem!" Green Goblin faked a cough. "Gentlemen, the question now is what to do with this... thing."
"Oh, just feed it to Venom, " Octopus sneered.
"No!" the towering, slobbering monster secured the baby against his chest. "We protect the innocent! We won't eat his brains! Surely, this is a sign from Heaven! A future ally in the fight against Spider-Man!"
"What is he going to do, take a crap on Spider-Man?" asked the Vulture.
"Yes, you'd do better at it, hitting him with your dirty diaper, Adrian..." Chameleon snarked.
"Shut up!" the old bird of prey crawed. "We have no time to look after a stinking brat! We have a schedule to keep on a plan we need sticking to!" And he slammed a wrinkled hand against a blackboard that read:
Step 1: Kill Spider-Man.
Step 2: ?
Step 3: World Conquest!
"Hmmmm!" the Goblin pondered. "Come to think about it, Venom might be right! This baby could be the heir the Osborn family needs, instead of my worthless son Harry!"
"I heard that, Dad!" Harry called from the next room.
"Shut up, you idiot!" Goblin shouted back.
"Do you sugest us to raise this scrawny pup into a real man? HAH! Kraven is always up for a challenge!" Kraven the Hunter laughed, smiling a charming White Hunter Smile, complete with perfect tingling teeth sound effect. "I shall make him a true pack leader! With a hairy chest and manly beard as healthy as mine!"
"Don't you have like three children of your own you never worry about?" Chameleon asked him.
"Very well, if Kraven is going to be the child's father figure, and I'm not saying we're going to adopt him no matter how huge and disgustingly sweet his eyes are, the boy will require a mother figure as well to grow up well balanced like me, " Octopus thought aloud. "Osborn! Why aren't you his mother?"
"What?-! Why me!"
"Well, you always carry that purse around, " Venom said.
"Confound you! This is a perfectly manly accesory of death from above!" Goblin shook a fist.
"I saw you putting lipsticks and eyeliner in there, " Venom accused.
"That was for a female friend! The, um, Goblin Woman!"
"Hey, talking about your perverse sexual escapades, what if this is another bastard child of yours, Osborn?" Vulture asked. "Like those twins you had with that Stacey girl?"
Then Osborn smacked Toomes across the bald head. "I have no idea what are you talking about!"
"Oh, don't worry, then. I'll be his mother, " Chameleon had changed into a very busty blond woman, securing the baby and baring one of his breasts. "I can tell he's hungry, so..."
"W-Wait!" Octopus tried to stop him. "You seriously aren't going to... Oh, God."
The Goblin covered his own eyes with a hand. "I hope to have another amnesia bout after this."
"... How does that work?" Vulture questioned.
"Well, in the depths of the Congolese jungles, there is a remarkable race of—" Kraven began before being rudely interrupted by a scream of Venom's.
"WE WANT TO EAT OUR OWN BRAINS!"
"By the way, Kraven, " Vulture observed, taking a closer look, "I believe this is a baby girl."
"Oh, I can make it into a real man anyway!"
No Wolverines or Deadpools have been used or hurt in the making of this chapter.
NEXT: Six Men and a Little Lady! Plus, the Punisher's Big Hollywood Adventure! Don't miss it, True Believer! EXCELSIOR!