Blay found himself once again sitting in the dark of his bedroom, tears running down his cheeks and the felling of emptiness taking over everything he felt inside. This has become so familiar to him. God, how many times during this last year hasn't he been in this situation, just crying and thinking of his pyrocant. Every time he felt even a glimmer of hope or some happiness at all, one look at Qhuinn and he was here again. Being sad and broken about the fact that everything he wanted in the world was right under his nose, but at the same time so far away. And tonight's sad Fade Ceremony has left him even more emotional than usual. Life was so short, even if you had centuries; like their kind naturally had, it was still so short. And he was wasting it, pinning after a male that would never, ever be his.
Saxton has embraced him tonight, comforted him and even with those strong arms around him he still wished that Qhuinn was there instead. Saxton knew this, and said that he didn't care but Blay knew and felt the difference. And while they embraced earlier tonight, Blay saw Qhuinn and stared into those beautiful mismatched eyes, for the first time in what felt like forever. And what he saw there made him stop breathing. Qhuinn was looking at him with longing and love, probably missing their friendship and nothing more and even though Blay hated himself for it, the love he felt for the guy was showing in his face. After everything they saw tonight with Thorment's tragedy and Fade ceremony, he didn't have the straight in him to suppress his feelings. He loved the guy and tonight he showed him this once again. And once again he was left there trembling. The look in Qhuinn's eyes while their eyes were locked told him that he wanted something more. The look lasted longer than any look he had given Blay earlier and no matter how hard he didn't want to a glimmer of hope started to break through inside him. But as always, Qhuinn looked down and turned away. And left. Left him shaking in the arms of his lover, who most probably, knew what was going on behind him. Who has been in the doorway and why Blay suddenly shaked like a leave in stormy weather.
Blay wasn't an idiot. He wasn't hoping for anything anymore because what would be a point to that. Usually he didn't allow himself to look at Qhuinn because every time he did he wished that things could be different. Qhuinn has made his point and Blay had heard his message loud and clear. Everything was loud and clear, words spoken between them replying in his mind over and over, Qhuinn's broken but determined face etched before his eyes: "Take care of yourself, take care of yourself, take care of yourself." It has been more than a year since they said goodbye on that balcony. Or, since Qhuinn so politely dismissed him by speaking those words and Blay obligated knowing that there was no point in fighting or denying it. Qhuinn was so kindly asking him to fuck of. So Blay did just that. He has kept his distance and not spoken to the guy ever since. Well, they have spoken but not like they used to. They greeted each other, maybe exchanged a few words now and then about topics such as weather, the ongoing war with the lesser's and other safe things, but never more than that. He didn't know how the guy was, what was going on in his life, if he was happy and honestly he wasn't sure if he really wanted to know. He knew that Qhuinn was with Layla now, but not knowing the details on that relationship was what kept him from climbing up the walls. That, and his own relationship with Saxton.
When he thought of Saxton he felt even more stinging in his eyes, and more tears coming. This was so unfair to Sax, Blay knew this, but at the same time he needed the guy like a lifeline. Their relationship was liberal and Saxton has time and time again said that he will step aside if Blaylock wanted something else, referring mainly to Qhuinn. But somewhere along the line things have changed for his lover and that liberal and easy relationship they shared, wasn't so easy anymore. Saxton looked at Blay more and more often the same way that Blay used to look at someone else. Someone that he nowadays doesn't dare to look at out of fear of everything showing in his face, like tonight. He was living a lie, and in these dark moments he couldn't lie to himself. He was disgusted with himself and his own weakness. And this time, tonight, that feeling of disgust didn't fade away. He needed a change, needed things to be different. Enough with everything, he thought to himself, enough with lying to himself, pretending to be ok when inside he was falling apart, enough with avoiding Qhuinn out of fear of start crying before the guy and most of all enough with treating Saxton like crap. The guy deserved so much more in life than a lover who was pinning and wishing for someone else. Unfortunately for them both Blay couldn't give him what he needed. Once he thought he could, he thought that time will wipe away every feeling he felt toward Qhuinn and he will be able to give Sax what he needed, but no. He couldn't force his heart to do that. He needed some distance and start anew somewhere else. Leave this mansion, leave Brotherhood and go on somewhere else. Far away from Saxton and from those beautiful mismatched eyes that every day haunt him in his dreams. This realization eased him up and for the first time in forever he felt that maybe he would survive.
"Hey, what's wrong" Saxton's voice came to him through the dark and took him back to reality. Blay, who was sitting on the bad, his back towards the door, turned around and looked at his lover. Just seeing him standing there in the doorway, with light from the hall outside behind him, looking like the male of worth he really was, made Blay chuckle and cry even harder. Why couldn't he force himself to feel what he should feel towards this beautiful male? Blay started shaking and crying, burying his face in his hands. Saxton came forward, closing the door behind him. He took Blay into his embrace and once again started comfort him like all the other times they found themselves in this situation. Blay crying, being sad or just being there without really being there, and Saxton always trying to find ways to make him feel better.
"It will work out Blay. I know that he was there in the doorway earlier tonight. I could feel it while I was holding you. He will come around, he just needs time" Saxton's voice soothed and Blay was feeling anger waking up inside of him. This is pathetic, they were pathetic. They really were and he was sick of it. One pinning after another male, and the other one just looking and wishing that things were different. He stopped crying in an instant, straightened himself up and just looked into Saxton?s eyes.
"Stop it, just stop" Blay found himself saying.
"What" Saxton answered, his eyes burying into Blay's while sadness started making its way through.
"Stop talking about him. Stop making me feel better when I pinning after him. Stop embracing me when you should be mad as hell that I am looking at him and wishing that he was the one holding me and not you."
"Blaylock, I.." Saxton stammered, not knowing what to say or how to react. He probably wasnt expecting this reaction. Like all the other times they were in this situation, Saxton probably expected that Blay would be sad for a while and he would comfort him. That would lead them to bed, Blay pretending that someone else was there with him and Saxton taking everything that Blay was willing to give. Well no...not tonight.
"Why can't you be mad at me? Tell me to stop pinning after him, give me an ultimatum, and tell me to go fuck myself or something. You just come to me over and over; comfort me while I pine after him. No...no more Saxton. I can't do this anymore"
For the first time since their relationship begun Blay saw frustration and anger in Saxton's stare. Saxton was now standing in front of Blay but took a few steps back, turned around and stood by the window instead, his back towards Blaylock. It wasn't hard to see that he was struggling, keeping his emotions in check. It was in the middle of the night and the Brotherhood was taking a night of due to that sad Fade ceremony they all witnessed earlier. Their king thought that they all needed time to collect their thoughts and that was so true in Blay's case now. He was in no condition at all to fight the lessers. He barely had the strength in him to take this discussion with Saxton. Saxton's voice was like a whisper when he started speaking again, and Blay needed to concentrate and really listen because of the low tune that Saxton was speaking in.
"What do you want from me, Blaylock? I'm trying to be patient here. I really am. But you are not making it easy right now. I don't know what to say to you. I know how you feel about him and I see how he feels about you. The love between you to is so clear to all of us around you. And I see what that love is doing to you. I want to be with you in any way I can. I have told you this before and I will tell you this again. I understand and I know what I'm in. I know that you love him and I can live with that. I'll have you as long as I can get you. You know this."
"There isn't any love from his side. You can't see something that isn't there, so don't tell me that he loves me when he has made it very clear how he feels. And besides, that is not important. Not anymore. What I want to talk about is us. I know that you didn't care about me and my pining earlier in our relationship, but it isn't like that anymore for you is it? Your feelings have changed and things are not as simple anymore as they once were" Blay questioned and Saxton straightened, while turning around and facing him. Love shone out of those eyes and Blay hated himself for letting things develop the way they have between them. He should have ended this relationship a long time ago, but he was selfish.
"Blay, don't go there. Please. Just let it go"
"I can't let it go. Don't you see? I have done to you the same thing he has done to me over and over. I see how you look at me nowadays. I see the longing in your eyes and I know that I can't give you what you want from me." Blay sucked in a breath of air and tried to collect himself. "I know firsthand how bad it hurts. That feeling you have inside. I hate myself for treating you this way and I can't let that go on. I just can't Sax. You deserve so much more than this."
"Don't do this." Saxton begged but Blaylock has made up his mind. If they were ever going to find some peace of mind, they needed to end this thing between them and go on with their lives separately. He needed new beginning and Saxton, Qhuinn, the Brotherhood couldn't be part of his life. Not anymore.
"I have to. I can't do this anymore. We have to stop. I need to start anew and so do you. We need to end this between us." Blaylock tried to explain but knew that any explanation he gave Saxton wouldn't be enough. "I am so great full to you. You have been there for me, and you have picked up the pieces of me that he has left shattered everywhere. I don't know what I would have done without you and I am so sorry for taking advantage of you for as long as I have. I am so sorry Saxton."
"Don't be. You didn't do anything that I gladly didn't agree to." Saxton once again tried to sooth him with a smile on his face. "I don't want this to end, but I see that you need it to stop. So I will let you go, since it is you wish."
"Thank you" Blay whispered while tears once again came down his cheeks. "I really wish that I could feel differently. I really wish that I could have fallen in love with you." Saxton came forward, sat down beside Blay on the bed and just held him. They held onto each other, saying goodbye and letting go. After several minutes of embracing in the silence, Saxton finally broke the embrace and asked;
"What are you going to do"
"I don't know yet. I just know that I need to do something different with my life. This isn't working anymore. I can't lie to you or myself, pretend that everything is ok when I'm hurting inside the way I am. I need to get away from him. I can't see him with her every day during her pregnancy. Just waiting for them to officially announce their mating. I have to leave the Brotherhood. I have to leave him behind and start a life without this." Blay said as he looked around his room. He really would miss this room and this mansion. He would miss all the brothers, and John Matthew, all the shellans and Fritz. Hell, he would also miss fighting and being a soldier of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. But most of all, he would miss Qhuinn with every fiber in him. They haven't been close in over a year, but just knowing that Qhuinn was near and that he was ok, kept him alive. Leaving Qhuinn behind would result in leaving his heart here forever. He knew this with undeniable certainty. No one will ever take that part of Blay away from Qhuinn. Nobody was ever able to, not even Saxton. But no matter how much he loved Qhuinn Blay knew that his decision in leaving everything behind was his only way of surviving. "I will probably go and live with my parents or one of their houses for a while, and then we will see. I don't know yet."
"Well Blaylock, I think that you are an amazing male. Worthy and I am proud of the fact that I was given a chance to get to know you. I wish you all the best." Saxton shook his head in acceptance and said without any hesitation "Since I have business with the king I can't take my leave from this mansion before that job is done, but before I leave this room tonight I have to do this once again. Just so I'll remember the feeling."
Saxton leaned in, and kissed Blay, every emotion he felt showing in that one simple kiss. "You are so beautiful, and worth so much love. I hope you find true love, wherever you end up"
With those words he got up and left the room, and took all the safety he ever provided to Blay. He was always going to stay as a pleasant memory in Blaylock's mind, but it was time to move on. He took out his cellphone and dialed a number that he hasn't called in over a year. When he hard that husky voice answer he gathered all the power he could and spoke:
"We need to talk"