A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
Getting back to work after having to fight frantically for my life and my adopted world was almost a relief. There's a reason action movie stars don't go through post-traumatic stress disorder-It doesn't make for good films. Well not if you want to make money, but maybe if you want to win an Academy Award. I know what I'd rather make.
Though following the Changeling Invasion, I'd been given both: A nice stipend as a "Hero of Equestria" and a medal as a "Hero of Equestria". A medal I had... Er... Lost. Somewhere. I was pretty sure I knew where it was.
Anyway, getting back to work was almost fun.
Though even compared to the Changeling invasion, scrambling through the rafters of Applejack's barn could not really be called fun persay.
"You're honestly worried about these beams?" I asked. Big Macintosh nodded, sitting below me as he flipped through papers.
"You've rebuilt the barn like four times in the past year," I said dryly. I swung onto a beam and hung from it. I then pulled myself up on top of the wood and arranged myself to sit on it. "Seriously, and you say you're in bad financial shape," I said. "No wonder!"
"Nnnope," Big Macintosh said. I blinked.
Big Macintosh held up the papers. "We're in the black. Great harvest this year. Sales through the roof."
I blinked down at him. "Then... Why is Applejack always so freaked out? I mean, she told me she couldn't afford to pay me too much for the maintenance around the farm..."
She couldn't possibly be scamming me, could she? The Element of Honesty? Big Mac shook his head.
"Nope. Applejack's just not good at math."
"Like, how not good?" I asked.
"She thinks zeros are a bad thing," Big Macintosh said. I slid down a rope from the rafters, landing on the dirt floor. I walked up to the big red stallion with a raised eyebrow. Wordlessly he hoofed a piece of paper to me. I blinked at the returns... And then I whistled.
"Well those zeroes look good," I said. Big Mac nodded.
"So... You can afford to pay me my usual fee, right?" I asked.
"Good," I said with a sigh. I rubbed the back of my head. "So uh... About that plot of your land by the river...?"
"Lookin' t' start yer own homestead?" He asked.
"Well, my current accommodations are a bit... Uncomfortable."
A few nights ago...
I was snoozing softly, my dreams filled with happiness and joy and sunshine...
I felt a weight on my hips, and I slowly opened my eyes. I blinked up into Fluttershy's eyes.
"... Uh... Good evening Fluttershy," I said.
"Oh, good evening Andrew," she said in a low voice.
"... Why are you on top of me?" I asked.
"I insisted," Chrysalis said, looking over her shoulder. "I'm starving. So, come on! Get going!"
"But-She's not in human form!" I protested. Fluttershy looked sad.
"You mean... You don't like me when I'm a pegasus?" She asked. "I... I can't really help it-"
"Nonono! That's not what I mean!" I said quickly, resting my hands on her thighs. "I just mean it's a bit awkward for both of us..."
"I don't mind," Fluttershy said with a smile. "I-I mean... I love you either way..."
"Er, well..." I tried to come up with excuses because... Well, this is just a bit weird. But I wouldn't break Fluttershy's heart.
And to be honest, the real source of awkwardness was not our anatomical differences... But the alien bug queen in the room.
"Fluttershy?" I asked. Fluttershy shrugged and smiled. Her wings stiffened.
"Well, um... I like it when we do things human style... And I don't kick you in the face when I-"
"Yes," I said quickly. "But does she have to be here?"
"I thought certain humans and ponies enjoyed having an audience?" Chrysalis asked with a playful smile.
"I don't!" I growled.
"I don't mind," Fluttershy said.
"I knew that, Fluttershy," I said dryly. "I just think we could-MMPH!"
"I do love her initiative!" Chrysalis said cheerfully, clapping her hooves together.
And I could relate more but this is supposed to be the PG-13 related version of my journal. Besides, why would I tell YOU guys? It's my private business what I get up to with my alien girlfriends who happen to resemble ponies some of the time! Not that I... Well I did but...
Why did I even get onto this subject in the first place? It's not like I told Big Macintosh all the details, either.
Speaking of which...
Big Macintosh stared at me. I sighed.
"Look... Having Chrysalis constantly pushing me into intimacy with my girlfriends is just a little... Uncomfortable! I need time to myself, you know? And it would help if not every bed was rated for ponies only, my back is killing me..."
Big Macintosh nodded. "Eeyup."
"I mean we don't even talk anymore!" I went on. "It's always 'Feed the Love Queen! Sex them up! No harder! HARDER!'"
"I'm not crazy, right?" I asked. "I mean, she may be Twilight's Intern but she doesn't have to hang around us all the time!"
Big Macintosh nodded. "Eeyup."
"So yeah, somewhere we can be alone would be great," I said with a sigh. "So, that plot of land... How much would it be?"
Big Mac and I haggled over the price a bit. He is nothing if not a shrewd business stallion. But he was willing to give me a fair deal, especially considering I'd need to buy lumber, appliances, and some other materials. And that done, I shook his hoof with a smile.
"Pleasure doing business with you, Big Macintosh," I said.
"Eeyup," he said. I allowed myself a wry smile.
"You're always a joy to talk to. Always so eloquent."
Big Macintosh smirked. "Eeyup."
I headed out of the barn. Applejack came up and smiled at me.
"Hey sugahcube! Work out the barn issues?"
"Yes indeed," I said. I smiled and gave her a thumbs up. "And I made a deal for my own homestead on your property!"
"Oh? You have?" Applejack asked with a smile. "Well, ah hope mah brother gave ya a fair price even with our..." She looked to the side. "Problems. Ah mean... Ah'm willing to give you some er... Extra incentive if ya want~..." She wiggled her hips with a seductive smile, and licked her lips.
I stared for a long moment. "... You are a witch, you know that?"
Applejack snickered. "Well, Big Mac does like a little joke every now and then. And you are jest too easy sometimes."
"Yeah yeah," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Seriously, ah hope you can understand what we have to pay you," she said earnestly. "And if ya want mah body t' make up for it-"
"Then you'll shatter my jaw with a mighty buck?" I asked dryly. Applejack chuckled, turning and trotting off.
"Nah," she cast back over her shoulder, "ah maht take ya up on the offer, and then you'll be in real trouble." She gave me a smoky look.
"Can't argue with that," I laughed as I headed for the exit to the farm.
I had missed Applejack's flirting and teasing. It was like coming back home... And now I was going to have a new home to come to.
Well, as soon as I built it. But really... How hard could it be?
... I wrote that in my journal so it doesn't count.
"Mmm... Mmph... Mwah! Fluttershy!"
I paused outside the library, my hand resting on the door handle. I raised my eyebrow. I peeked inside to see my marefriends standing in the center of the library, both with flushed faces. Fluttershy was licking her lips while Twilight was scowling a bit.
"What? I like kissing you," Fluttershy said. Twilight reached her hoof up to rub her cheek and looked aside.
"Er... Well... The thing is Fluttershy..." My unicorn marefriend was usually so articulate. Fluttershy frowned.
"What is it?" Fluttershy asked. "Did I use too much tongue?"
"No! That part was okay... Wait, no it wasn't!" Twilight insisted. "Look Fluttershy, I-"
"Oh for crying out loud," Chrysalis sighed. The Changeling Queen trotted up between them and rolled her eyes. "You two are even more irritating than you and that monkey!"
"Technically he isn't a monkey," Fluttershy said. "He's a hominid-"
"Whatever!" Chrysalis said flatly. "Your marefriend isn't into you kissing her. Well she is, but not as much as she pretends."
"What?" Fluttershy gasped. Twilight's cheeks burned red in shame.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I mean, I do care for you a lot Fluttershy but I'm just not that into... Ya know..."
Fluttershy wilted. "You mean... You're not into mares?"
"Well um... Not really," Twilight said. "I mean, well, that is-"
"She means she's into it when Shepherd is around because it inflames him with passion," Chrysalis said wryly. "And makes him do that-"
"YES," Twilight said quickly and loudly, "I love that! But um... When it's just us-"
"Oh," Fluttershy said with a frown. "I... I see..."
"Fluttershy, I love you! You know that!" Twilight insisted.
"Yes, she is telling the truth about that," Chrysalis said. "She likes cuddling with you. She's just not inflamed with lust when it comes to you. For some reason, she's into apes."
"He's not an ape!" Fluttershy insisted. "But why didn't you tell me-?"
"Because she's afraid of hurting your feelings and she is very unhappy with herself that she actually is into mares when you are so inflamed with passion-"
"Stop reading my mind!" Twilight growled as Fluttershy looked down at the floor sadly. Chrysalis held up her hoof and scowled.
"You want me to be your friendship intern! I'm helping you resolve an issue of friendship and sexual issues!" The Changeling Queen shook her head. "But fine, I'll talk about Fluttershy's feelings..." She smirked. "Or maybe Andrew's, since he's listening just outside the door of the library."
Damn empathic alien queens. I sighed as I entered the library. "Sorry, you were talking and I didn't want to interrupt..."
"That part is true," Chrysalis said. "Technically. He thought you two were doing something sexy and wanted to watch but then he didn't want to enter and possibly make things worse."
"... Thanks?" I managed. Twilight flushed.
"W-Well... You know, I do love that-"
"Sex," Chrysalis said. "Seriously, she really, really loves that. So does Fluttershy. I mean, you humans and ponies should have gotten together sooner! All those perverted ideas and manuals. Ones that Twilight of course has read cover to cover-"
"LIES!" Twilight shouted, turning so red she looked like she was about to burst into flames. "LIES!"
"Okay, how did you figure that out?" I asked flatly. Chrysalis stared at me.
"I'm empathic and incredibly smart," she said. "Duh."
"It-It's okay!" Fluttershy said, trembling a bit. "I-I don't mind it... I mean, that does resolve the issue..." Fluttershy sniffled. "I'm... I'm going into the kitchen... To uh... H-Have some water..."
"She means cry," Chrysalis said. Fluttershy sniffled and galloped off. Twilight sighed. The Changeling queen scowled. "What?!"
I sighed and rubbed the back of my head. "Yeah, this is why I'm moving out."
"Moving out?!" Twilight cried. Fluttershy had flipped around and tackled me.
"M-Moving out? Where? Y-You don't like me sexually either? I TRY! I TRY! I'm sorry my human and pony forms are so ugly!" Fluttershy cried.
"No no no!" I said quickly. "I'm just moving to my own home where we can all get some privacy when we want it! And so I don't have to get a massage every week due to the beds at both places being so hard on my spine."
My marefriends blinked. Twilight sighed. Fluttershy coughed as I hugged her.
"Sorry," Fluttershy admitted. "I-I guess-"
"Your confidence took a hit when Twilight, whom you find very attractive, doesn't find you sexy in the same way," Chrysalis said.
"Quit it!" Twilight growled.
I took Fluttershy upstairs, and we sat on the bed together. I ran my fingers through her mane comfortingly, as I held her with my other arm.
"Fluttershy, it's okay," I said. "Come on, you know I think you're beautiful in human or pony form."
Fluttershy sniffled. "I... I find I have to keep telling myself that..." She looked down. "I guess I'm just being silly again."
"Well, sometimes," I admitted. "I mean, in either form you are gorgeous."
"But Chrysalis... And-And you moving out," Fluttershy said. I sighed and thought about it. How could I explain it so my sensitive marefriend didn't take it the wrong way?
Ah. Of course! I could fall back on human culture. There we go. It isn't bullshitting if it's actually true!
Or at least true from a certain point of view...
"Fluttershy, in my culture back on Earth, young men and women are expected to leave home and find their own destiny," I explained. "When we're adults, we are encouraged to get out of the house of our family so we can go out... And start families of our own."
Fluttershy blinked and stared at me. She then blushed deeply. "Ah... Oh... Um... A family...?" She asked softly. I nodded.
"Yeah. We were basically told by our God to go out, be fruitful and multiply, so..." I shrugged and sighed. "Back on my world, we were kind of in the midst of a huge economic depression and transition to a new economic paradigm... Er... Thing... Which made it difficult for young people to go out and get jobs and start their own families. But here, I've got the chance!"
"Start a family," Fluttershy murmured softly. She nodded with a cheerful smile.
"I understand completely," she said in a low tone. She nuzzled me, and I blinked.
"Well, that's good," I said with a smile, feeling relieved if a bit confused. Fluttershy beamed, and flew off to the door. She hovered in front of it as she opened the door and looked back at me.
"I'll have to ask for a lot of help, but... But I'm happy about this! I... I really am!" She said. "I'll have to talk to Twilight first, but... But I'm sure we can agree on something together!"
"Er... What specifically?" I asked. Fluttershy giggled and winked.
"You'll see!" She said as she flew off. I watched her go and frowned.
Well... That didn't sound ominous or anything.
No really, I needed to stop being so paranoid. Besides, I had a lot of work to do in regards to my new house...
I came downstairs soon after, just in time to see Fluttershy finish whispering something to Twilight. My pegasus girlfriend then flew out the door, still softly giggling. Twilight gave me a slightly confused look.
"What did you say to her?" She asked.
I shrugged, feeling strangely hesitant to divulge things. After all, I didn't exactly know what I had said that made Fluttershy so happy. "Just the truth," I said, which was true. I kneeled down next to her. "How are you doing?"
"Oh, fine," Twilight muttered, and I could see her mentally filing away a few questions for later. "I sent Chrysalis off to relax a bit. Honestly, she is just so irritating!"
"Yeah, well, alien invaders tend to be that," I said as I stroked Twilight's mane. She sighed as she calmed down, and smiled at me.
"So... You're really getting your own place, huh?" She asked. I nodded.
"Yep... I mean, right now I feel a bit like a vagrant, sneaking back and forth between the homes of my marefriends," I said with a teasing smile and wink. "Gotta settle down, be respectable. Besides, your beds are kind of murder on my back."
"And of course," Twilight said with a smile and a wink, "you're going to need somepony to help keep you organized."
"Yep," I said with a nod. I looked about the library with a frown and rubbed my chin. "Now who could I get who is very, very organized?"
Twilight laughed and gently butted me with her head. I rubbed my shoulder with a mock look of hurt, before I lost my battle with my smile.
"I might have an idea or two," Twilight said. "So! Why don't we get going and organized?"
"Sounds good to me," I said with a smile.
"By the way," Twilight said, "you do have some blueprints for your house, right?"
I blinked at her... And then I promptly facepalmed. Twilight stared at me, and began to laugh.
"Y-You-Hahahaha-You don't have any plans?!" She laughed.
"It's not that funny!" I defended myself. "I kind of just... Make things up as I go along! Seems to work out pretty well-Really Twilight, it is not that funny!"
But it was no avail. She was laughing herself sick. But I got her back nicely.
Then we made some plans... And this was where the real fun began.
Well we already had some real fun, that last part about "real fun" was meant to be sarcastic.
Sheesh, at this rate I'm going to start writing like Mojo freaking Jojo talks...
Omake Time Again! This time by Kaotix! An alternate ending to the battle with the Changelings!
Queen Chrysalis gloated over the capture of the Elements of Harmony and the defeat of Celestia.
"Nothing can stop me now!" She crowed as she ran a hoof under the still entranced Shining Armor's chin. "Canterlot is mine and soon the rest of Equestria will be under my hoof!"
All looked hopeless for our heroines as there was nothing they could do now to stop the queen without the Elements. From behind the closed doors leading into the main vestibule as a monotone, vaguely female voice spoke.
"Offensive Spell Matrix... Online."
"What?" Chrysalis stared at the closed doors unsure of what she was hearing.
"Defensive Spell Matrix... Online"
The captured ponies now all looked to the door as the voice sounded once more.
"Life Support Spell Matrix... Online"
"Power Reserves... One Hundred Percent"
There was a sudden boom and the sealed doors shook. Cracks formed around the hinges that held the mighty doors. Another Boom and the door bowed inward. The poor hinges finally gave way and the heavy doors fell into the room kicking up a thick cloud of dust and debris.
As the dust settled, a large bipedal behemoth stepped into the room. It was 8 feet tall and looked like some sort of metal golem that was made in a cave with a box of scraps. On its breastplate were the symbols of Sun and Moon. On it's right shoulder pad was a design recognizable to the Mane 6: a filly wearing a cape, the symbol of the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
The helmet lit up, revealing the angry human face underneath. "I'm here to kick ass and eat cake. And I don't see any cake!" Andrew cried as he shot straight at the queen with speed that should have been impossible for such a large construct. Above his right fist, a flame sparked to life ready to fire and roast the Changeling Queen as soon as he got into range.
Somewhere from safety of the vestibule, three fillies looked at their still blank flanks and sighed.