I recommend listening to this while reading: (Youtube) /watch?v=UFGOcZoNbkk
Whenever my eyes fall upon that beautiful porcelain face, all I can think about was the unpleasant feeling that burned inside me.
And yet again those painful thoughts rush into my head and grip my very being... How could we have ended?
That iron fist that clutches my heart every single time I see him, the pain is unbearable.
"K-Konichiwa, Alfred-san." A slight bow. Why does he look so damn adorable doing the most simple things, the most simple movements?
Hello my love. My wonderful, fantastic, gorgeous love.
"How have you been?" A shy, awkward smile. God, he was so cute. And beautiful.
A gentle smile back. "Great!" Terrible. "And you?"
That smile - oh, that perfect, handsome smile that lights up my aphotic world - brightens a little. "I have been well." A tiny chuckle. "Hai, things have been very well, actually."
... Why do I feel hesitation?
"I'm glad to hear that."
Glad? This fucking hurts, seeing you.
Chocolate-brown eyes rise up to meet ocean blue. "Really? Ah - I mean..." Those eyes fall back down. A hesitation, a heartbeat. "A-Are you okay? I-I'm sorry..." Stop stuttering, you perfect idiot. And please, just please, don't stop smiling. No, don't stop. You're only torturing me by not smiling. "You just said you were great, but... I just... wanted to make sure..."
No, for God's sake. It's because I don't have you, idiot."Of course, I'm okay! I'm the hero! Heroes are always okay, obviously."
I sure as hell don't feel like a hero right now. I'm such a fucking loser. If I was really a goddamn hero, I would've still had you.
The smile is back; the only thing that keeps me sane. That keeps me from breaking and shattering to pieces. "Ah, well... that is good to hear. I was just worried... that..."
That what? That my heart is slowly being torn apart just from seeing you and your flawless being standing in front of me? That all I want - all I fucking desire - is to take you into my arms, to touch that porcelain skin, to kiss those soft, sculpted lips?
"Worried about what?" An obnoxiously loud laugh. "Keeks, you gotta stop being so altruistic and start thinking about yourself for once." Please keep thinking about me. I want to know that I'm still on your mind sometimes.
A bite of a lip, as if he's trying not to laugh. Why is it that I have a sudden urge to just kiss him right now?
"Wh-what's so funny?"
"N-Nothing... I just can't believe you're still using that silly nickname."
Oh... Oh. Fuck.
"Ah, s-sorry! Must've slipped out! Uh... but seriously, everything is fine now... Kiku." Kiku, Kiku, Kiku... I can still feel it on my lips, like an escaping breath. That name that has been carved into my very memory, etched into my soul. Slashed into my heart, with no one to hear my screams. Kiku, Kiku, Kiku...
"So you're really -"
"I'm over it, Kiku."
No I'm not.
A pause. From surprise? How come everything I say in front of him turns out so harshly? Damn it.
"Good. That's very good." Again with that alluring smile. And those bewitching chocolate eyes that I could just hypnotize myself with, let me drown in them and fall from this ungodly world and never come back. And be with you. "I'm... I'm over it too."
"I am." Fuck, did I just say that out loud?
"All right then. Good."
"I... I best be taking my leave." No. Dont go. Anything but that."... Goodbye, Alfred-san."
Please... just don't go. Don't leave me again.
Fuck myself. Why can't I just say it? Kiku...
"It was nice to see you again, by the way."
"Ah well, good-bye then. And good luck to you."
"Ki - Kiku!"
Shit. He's too far away. Run to him, damn it.
"Kiku!" My feet finally can function. "Kiku!"
He hears. He turns around." A-Alfred-san?"
"Fuck it all. Can't you see? Lying to you like this, and not saying what I truly feel... It hurts so much. Please, Kiku... I was never over it. I was never over you."
But I would not let him speak as I pressed my lips to his, hoping - praying - that he would not pull away.
If you ask me, how I'm doing
I would say I'm doing just fine
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind
But I'd go out and I'd sit down
At a table set for two
And finally I'm forced to face the truth
No matter what I say I'm...
Not over you
- Not Over You by Gavin Degraw
A/N: Inspired by that song. Short, but hope you enjoyed it~