Setting: Between Reunion and Darkest Hour.
I was lying flat on my stomach making faces at my geometry book (I still don't get this subject!) when I looked up and saw Jesse sitting on my window seat with Spike on his lap, purring so loud that he sounded like a vibrator.
It has been almost a week since the RLS Angels almost beat me and Michael to death. Gina has gone back to New York and I'm bored out of my mind.
You would think that catching a murderer single handedly (well...almost) would make me a big hero and save me from being grounded or something. But no, instead I am grounded! I mean, isn't having to listen to how I could've died and how I should've told an adult before jumping into action for 2 hours punishment enough?!
It's not like I can tell them the truth about me being a liaison between the living and the dead. They would stick me in the loony bin faster than I could say 'unfair'.
I think I'm getting a headache, so let me turn my thoughts back to the present.
Being grounded, I had no other choice but to stay in my room and watch the sea or Jesse. Now, I don't know about you but I would pick Jesse over the sea anytime.
Now there are so many thoughts that popped up in my mind at that moment like how hot Jesse looked and if I can get a better view of his abs if I just tilted my head, or if I can use Spike as my punching bag because I'm angry that he can be so close to Jesse and I can't.
But no matter how much I try to steer my thoughts away from Jesse, they keep going back to him. So finally I gave in and looked at Jesse just for the peace of my mind.
It was drizzling slightly and Jesse was staring at the grey sky and tiny droplets of water that splattered against the window, with those peat-bog eyes of his.
Those eyes that I wish I could sink into and never come out. Eyes so dark that you couldn't tell where the pupils end and irises begin. They're like whirlpools that will pull you into them.
I don't think I can succeed in not falling in love with him. In fact, I'm already falling for him. Hard.
He's not like any guy I've ever met (duh! He's from the 19th century). Even though he can annoy the hell out of me sometimes, with his stubbornness, he is still the most chivalrous, well-mannered guy I have ever met. Well, I guess that's what happens if you're from 1850.
But it's wrong what I am feeling for him. He's a ghost and I am alive. It will never work out between us. I can never introduce him to my parents or take him to the prom. Except me and Father Dom, no one can see him.
Although, I don't think me and Jesse are ever gonna start dating. I mean, what would a guy like him see in a girl like me? He is the hottest guy in all of Carmel for God's sake!
I hate the fact that he can make my heart beat faster with his boyish smiles. I hate the fact that he makes my heart stop when he looks at me with those hypnotizing eyes. I hate it that he makes me have butterflies in my stomach. I hate it that he can make me go weak no matter how much I try to stay strong.
And what I hate most of all is that I love him unconditionally with every minuscule particle of my being.
Maybe I realized this when he caressed my cheek in the hospital after the RLS Angels beat me to hell. Maybe I loved him even before that.
But right now I really don't care about anything except that I love him. I love him more than anything else in the world. I love him more than I thought it was possible to love someone.
"Querida, what are you staring at?" Jesse asked, breaking me away from my day dreaming.
I hadn't realized that I was staring blankly out of the window all this time.
"Nothing. I was just watching the rain." I said, hoping he wouldn't notice me lying.
But he did. Notice me lying, I mean. If his raised eyebrow was any indication, he didn't believe me.
I wonder how everyone I met has that raising-one-eyebrow-thing down pat. Everyone except me. It annoys the hell out of me.
Seeing that I wasn't going to spill anything about what was bothering me, Jesse went back to petting Spike (Is it possible to be so jealous of a cat?).
I like the way that he understands me without the need of direct conversation. It's like he can read my mind or something and always knows what I want and what I am about to do. I only wish that this understanding between us will show him just how much I live him. If he will just look into my eyes and know our connection.
That is when I made my decision. A decision that I didn't know would one day shape my future and make me possibly the happiest girl on this planet.
I surrendered to the fact that I don't want to fight my love.
I surrendered to the fact that even though we can have no future together, I will do anything to make sure that I never let him go.
I surrendered to the fact that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I surrendered to the fact that the best part of everyday is seeing his face.
I surrendered to the fact that I want to get lost in his eyes. Get lost in his smile. Get lost in him.