Yeah I'm here for another story :) what can I say I love the Bleach fandom. Plus I'm addicted to crack... stories of course, sheesh what did you think I meant? This is meant as a humorous one shot.

Bored Games

Takes place during Orihime's capture.

Ulquiorra didn't particularly hate Ichimaru Gin, he just wasn't fond of his personality. His carefree attitude and lack of austere qualities just didn't sit right with him. The man would also annoy him with his constant jokes too.

Although when compared to espada like Grimmjow and Nnoitra, Gin was tolerable.

One of Gin's aspects that he disliked was the way the man would gift him with unnecessary and pointless items on his date of birth. He seemed to do this with all the espada in Las Noches, saying that his date of birth- or birthday is something special. Which brings Ulquiorra to another dislike of Gin's aspects?

They hardly ever agreed on anything.

To Ulquiorra birthdays meant nothing but the day you were created. It was as simple as that, nothing less and nothing more. He held absolutely no use for the board games and game consoles Gin had presented him. If anything those gifts would much rather suit a child than an arrancar in Aizen's notorious army.

The first time this had happened was unexpected. He had entered his quarters after a meeting for rest, so imagine his surprise when he was greeted with a very happy party hat wearing Gin as soon as the lights flickered on. What irritated him more was when he had shoved a plate with a cake adjourned with a candle shaped like a four onto his arms. Ulquiorra had no idea what kind of joke Gin was trying to pull.

It was than that Gin had explained to him the tradition of birthdays. According to the tradition he was to receive gifts as well, thus explaining the board games and game consoles. Ulquiorra had questioned him on why he even bothered doing something pointless as what he had done.

All Gin had to say, and he quotes: "you need to loosen up'n have some fun, otherwise you'll turn into a zombie."

He then explained before leaving, how he should blow out the candle and make a wish. Ulquiorra had assumed that was another birthday tradition. Once Gin had departed he was left to eye the cake still on his hands. Of course he didn't believe in such a ridiculous ritual.

How could the simple act of blowing the fire off a candle attached to a cake on the date of one's birth bring such a miracle? Nonetheless he found himself eating the cake and blowing the fire away. He chose not to stoop so low and make a wish. He didn't need to, because Aizen's goal and dreams would eventually come into fruition and become successful.

He had no idea that on one particular day his mind would change about birthdays.

Ulquiorra was loyal to Aizen, he'd follow orders without question. That was why he made no complaints when he was given the task of watching over Inoue Orihime- the human woman. That woman would also irritate him just as much as Gin, although it was a different kind of irritation. The woman would egg him with her constant dribble of friends and feelings. A part of him did find it somewhat intriguing, which was more than he could say for Gin.

He made his way over to where they were holding her, resisting the urge to frown when he noticed the tall espada walking down his way.

"Yo Ulquiorra, going to screw your woman slave I see."

Ulquiorra closed his eyes and paused a few feet ahead of Nnoitra. "I hope you don't expect me to dignify that with a response."

"Aww c'mon I'm only messing with your ass. Damn you need to loosen up, y'know lighten up and have some fun."

Ulquiorra twitched at the familiar word of advice. Not wanting to hear any more of Nnoitra's vulgarity he continued his trek. He appeared at the woman's door and found her in her usual position. Staring out the window.

He honestly had no clue why she would do that. Was there something fascinating about the barren dessert or the dark sky?

"Waiting for something?" He asked.

Orihime jumped at the voice. "Oh, you startled me."

"Don't make such a fuss." Ulquiorra said. Today his orders were somewhat different than usual. It seemed the woman hadn't been eating, so he was tasked with making sure she ate. He didn't understand why he couldn't just shove the food down her throat, but Aizen's orders were strict.

"I want her unharmed and healthy," He had said and orders were orders. Ulquiorra wasn't one to go against orders.

It was time for the first course to be served and the arrancar servant woman had brought a trolley with food on it. With a bow to Ulquiorra she left the trolley and made her exit.

Ulquiorra than regarded Orihime with a stone look. "Eat woman."

"I'm... not that hungry."

"You will not go against lord Aizen, now eat," he said with more authority to his voice.

Despite herself Orihime's stomach grumbled, causing a blush.

"Your body is denying you."

Orihime sighed and reached for the toast laid on the plate, albeit trying not to be so hasty. She quietly ate her food and noticed that the espada was still rooted to his spot. She found it odd since he would never stay this long. So it was a little awkward to eat while the espada stared in her direction with no intention of looking away.

It was only after she finished her food that she spoke. "Um... was there something else you wanted here?"

"Are you insinuating that I want something from you?"

Orihime quickly swung her arms apologetically; blush reappearing. "N-No I didn't mean it like that it's just..." she trailed off, thinking of how to put it. "You don't usually stay this long."

"My orders are to make sure you eat."

Realization sunk into Orihime. "So you'll be-"

"Yes, I'll stay here until you begin eating and stop behaving like a child."

Her food was delivered to her in a typical everyday human fashion. Meaning it was breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Orihime put two and two together, that meant he'd be staying here for several more hours. She sighed and mentally prepared herself for hours of this.

Grimmjow dragged himself towards his room, he had just returned from a killing spree and desperately needed a bath, and possibly some healing.

"Man Grimmjow you smell like shit." Nnoitra said as he passed by him. "What did you do, crap in your pants?"

Grimmjow scowled. "Fuck off." He then remembered his aching bruises. "Yo, is the woman in her cell, I need some repairs."

Nnoitra smirked. "She's busy."

Grimmjow scoffed. "Oh yeah doing what, watching the paint dry?"

"She's busy with Ulquiorra."

Grimmjow's eyes widened in response. "Get the hell outta here, he's actually plowing her?"

"I can't tell for sure, but word on the block is that he's been there for some time now."

The minutes felt like an eternity for Orihime and she could slowly feel herself suffocating. She had already finished her second meal and was relieved to know only one more remained. There was nothing but silence, but that wasn't what bothered her; she was use to the silence. She just wasn't use to this awkward- or on her part at least- silence.

It was bad enough she had to sit there for hours without someone to talk to, but even more so when there was someone sitting right in front of her. So she tried a conversation.

"So... seen any good movies?"

"Woman, I am not hear to amuse you."

Well,that was it. He had killed the conversation with his words. Harsh, very harsh.

And so finally the last of the meals arrived and Orihime quickly devoured it, eager to finish this day.

"I will come to monitor you again tomorrow." Ulquiorra said.

Orihime froze. "But I ate."

"I'm still not convinced and this won't convince lord Aizen either." Just like that he had left.

The next day came and this time Ulquiorra had brought himself a chair. As the hours passed a weird feeling coursed through him. The same feeling he had gotten the day before. He hadn't put mind to it at first, but the feeling would only grow the longer he sat there.

Time sure was flowing slowly. He soon found himself tapping on his knees, something he had seen Grimmjow and Nnoitra do when they were in one of Aizen's meetings. The woman was sitting on her bed idly playing with a strand of her hair, twisting it around her finger.

Unbeknown to them there were two espada spying on them.

"He's in there again." Nnoitra whispered.

Grimmjow who was hiding in the corner alongside Nnoitra spoke. "I thought Ulquiorra was like... I don't know, gay."

Nnoitra chuckled. "Yeah for Aizen or something." The two broke out laughing and quickly hushed their voices. Just because they were masking their spiritual pressure didn't mean they still couldn't be heard.

Inside the room the atmosphere wasn't as cheerful as outside. There was just silence. The feeling from before that had been bugging Ulquiorra had intensified. It was bordering onto something Ulquiorra had never felt before: boredom.

He wondered how this woman tolerated being stuck here. A part of him almost felt sorry. Suddenly a thought of those horrible gifts flooded through his mind. He was about to discard those thoughts, but since there was nothing else to do he allowed his mind to wander and oh did it wander. Soon it led to him wondering how they worked. Only the first meal had been served, which meant hours remained.

Ulquiorra was soon walking out the door and heading to his room despite himself. Orihime breathed a sigh of relief, finally he was leaving.

Nnoitra and Grimmjow quickly ducked away as Ulquiorra passed them. Fortunately he hadn't noticed them.

"Where's he going?" Grimmjow whispered.

"How should I know? He's probably done." Nnoitra replied. "Wait... he's definitely coming back. He has orders after all."

"So we wait." Grimmjow said.

"What the hell are you two doing?"

Both of them froze upon hearing the voice. They slowly turned around and were relieved to see it was only Starrk.

"Damn it you scared me." Nnoitra said. "Now shut your ass up before they see us."

"Okay than, what are you doing?" Starrk asked again, only more quietly.

"We're spying on Ulquiorra." Grimmjow replied.

"Are you serious, what's so interesting about a boring ass guy like Ulquiorra," he yawned as soon as he said that. "See, I'm getting bored just thinking about him."

Grimmjow smirked. "Let's just say today Ulquiorra becomes a man."

Starrk raised a brow. "No way... you mean with..." he trailed off and Grimmjow nodded, answering his question. Starrk began the process of cloaking his spiritual pressure. "This I gotta see."

Moments later they found themselves ducking away as Ulquiorra reentered the room, holding several boxes.

"Whoa, Ulquiorra is 'that' type of lover." Grimmjow murmured. "He's a nasty boy."

"I didn't expect Ulquiorra to go that far, he's even brought his tools." Nnoitra added.

"Are we sure he hasn't done this before," Starrk joked.

Ulquiorra walked over to Orihime and dropped all the unopened board games onto her bed. Orihime jumped at the sudden action and gave him a confused look. "Huh?"

"Pick one."

Although still confused Orihime complied and reached for the deck of cards.

Ulquiorra swept away the other games and broke the wrapper holding the cards. He then realized he knew nothing of these games.

Noticing his hesitation Orihime spoke up. "Um, is there something-"

"I've never played before," Ulquiorra said honestly.

Orihime smiled. "Oh that's what's bugging you, don't worry I'll show you one of my favorites. Me and Tatsuki played it lots of times. It's called go fish."

"Go fish?" He repeated.

Orihime nodded and gave him the run down on how the game works. He took a seat across from her on the bed as she dealt the cards and began their game. Ulquiorra lost.

Okay I understand it now, he thought.

Their second game came with the same exact results. He lost.

Only a miracle, he assured himself.

So they played a third time, and a fourth time and he still loss, than the fifth time came around.

"You have any threes?" Orihime asked.

Ulquiorra stared at the three in his hand and frowned. "...Go fish."

Szayel quietly walked down one of the hallways minding his own business when he came upon the three espada huddled in the corner.

"What could you three possibly be doing?"

"Ssshhh," the three said.

"Fine, what are you doing?" He repeated in a much lower voice than before.

"Ulquiorra's in there getting laid." Nnoitra said.

Szayel raised a brow. "Oh, really? Ulquiorra with a woman... that's rather unexpected."

"He's been in there for a while now," Grimmjow commented. "How much stamina does that creep got?"

"Well you have to remember that it's Ulquiorra we're talking about, he's never done this before so he's definitely gonna have a tank load off energy to release." Starrk replied.

"I don't hear any screaming." Szayel said. "I see, it seems Ulquiorra is a gentle lover. I must say this makes me quite nostalgic."

"What are you freaking babbling about?" Nnoitra growled.

"I remember my first love." Szayel replied, recalling the memories. "Do you remember yours?"

"I think I'm gonna puke." Grimmjow muttered.

Lunch had already been brought in. They were still sitting across from one another, but this time there was a plate with a half eaten sandwich next to them.

The deck of cards were now lying on the floor, completely forgotten. They had switched to a game called chutes and ladders. Another game he was unfamiliar with. It was a simple game, yet he found himself confused when he continuously kept landing on the wrong spot. Each time he rolled the dice he would end up falling down the ladder and winding up back to square one.

He stared at her piece which was several paces ahead of him. She kept getting further and further away from him, making him realize that he was definitely doing something wrong.

Orihime rolled the dice in her hand, spinning it three times for luck before finally throwing them down.

Don't be a six, don't be a six, Ulquiorra thought.

"Six!" Orihime cheered happily, moving her piece to the winning square. She smiled sweetly at Ulquiorra. "Want to play again, you can go first if you'd like?"

"I would much rather play another game," he suggested, eying the video game consoles.

Orihime followed his gaze upwards the game console. "Oh sure, but we need a TV in order for those to work."

Ulquiorra sighed. "Give me a minute." He stood up and exited the room.

The four eavesdroppers outside immediately ducked away.

"Now where's he going?" Grimmjow asked.

"Perhaps he's had enough." Szayel said.

"It's official everyone, Ulquiorra is clearly not gay." Nnoitra stated. "Today was quite the milestone for our little Ulquiorra." He wiped a tear away. "They grow up so damn fast."

"Shut up Nnoitra." Starrk groaned.

Moments later Ulquiorra came back holding a big flat screen television in his hands. He disappeared into the room again, leaving the onlookers more surprised.

"Why is he taking a TV in there?" Szayel murmured.

"Don't tell me... are they're about to watch porn?" Grimmjow replied.

"In HD?" Nnoitra added.

"Are we sure he hasn't done this before?" Starrk asked again, only this time he was serious.

"Makes you wonder how long they're going to be in there for." Szayel added.

"Wow that looks heavy, do you need any help?"

"No, it's really nothing." Ulquiorra replied. He placed the TV down and Orihime took it from there, connecting the cables to the Nintendo Wii she had no idea how he had gotten.

Once finished she turned the device on and held the controller to him. "Let's play."

Ulquiorra took the weird device. It was an analog of some sorts attached to what looked like a remote controller used for a TV.

"It's motion sensitive," Orihime explained, moving her own controller for a clearer demonstration. "You see."

"How interesting." Ulquiorra said.

Orihime started the game Wii Sports that came with the system. "Let's play bowling first."

Ulquiorra had no idea what bowling was, but he knew he was losing when his bowling ball skidded off the ramp while hers knocked all of the pins down.

"I win again!" Orihime cheered. She then noticed his frustrated look. "Um, how's about we try boxing."

Ulquiorra almost smirked when he saw what boxing was about. A game based on physical strength and stamina, he just couldn't lose.

So they played boxing and Ulquiorra lost, twice.

His frustrated look grew more. Orihime decided that maybe he would have better luck on something else. "Let's try this one."

Golf was yet again something Ulquiorra was unfamiliar with, but it was also his turning point. It was something that required extreme concentration, patience, and the right amount of power. The game had finished and had announced him as the winner.

"Oh," Orihime blinked. "You won." She gave Ulquiorra a warm smile. "Congratulations!"

Ulquiorra felt a swell of pride flow through him.

"That was a good game." Orihime exclaimed. She yawned and stretched her arms over her head, by now her dinner laid finished on the trolley. "I had a lot of fun."

Ulquiorra had just realized how late it was. He abruptly stood up. "I shall take my leave."

"Wait, what about your stuff?"

"Keep them, it tends to get... boring here." Just before Ulquiorra reached the door she spoke again.

"Thank you for playing with me, maybe you could come again."

Ulquiorra stood still for a moment, without facing her he gave a small nod and exited the room. He walked towards his own room for sleep, ignoring the four sleeping espada lying in the hallway. Today had been a long day.

"Hiya Ulquiorra." Gin greeted as he met him on the hallway.


"Come again?"

"I like golf. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to invade my room on the day of my birth." With that Ulquiorra entered his room and crashed onto his bed.

Maybe birthdays weren't so meaningless after all.

Author's Notes

Hoped ya liked it. Read, review, add to favorites, or just like it, that's fine.