By: Tracy Cook
Disclaimer: I do not own anything; these characters belong to the creators of One Tree Hill.
Pairing: Brooke and Haley
I Must Be Dreaming
'Some dismiss it as selected
others feign not to know
All the while they watch, with relish
your decent into madness, slow.'
She tightened her grip on the sheets that covered her king sized bed. She hated the bed. It was a constant reminder of the emptiness that she felt. Every time that she lay in it, she would wonder to herself what the purpose of such a large bed was, and she always came to the conclusion that it was to be shared. It was not to be used alone. But, she was alone. So, instead of the bed comforting her after a long day of work, it taunted her and teased her and reminded her that she was alone. That she was an empty shell of a human being.
The sex only made everything worse.
Every time that she slept with some random guy that she met, she thought that it was going to fix her, that it was going to put her back together, but it never did. In high school meaningless sex had felt like it fixed things. Not anymore. Now it made her feel worse about herself.
Now she did not only feel empty and alone, void of love. But, she felt cheap, pathetic, disgusting, and unworthy of being loved.
Five years away from Tree Hill. It had taken five years away from all of her friends, her home, and her school, to figure out why she had always felt this way. Why she had always felt like she was unworthy, like she would never find love. Why she had always protected herself with lust and sex and teasing, instead of allowing anyone beneath the surface to find the real Brooke Davis.
Lucas had been the only man who had ever attempted to break through the surface of the ice and find the warmth beneath it, but he had left her for Peyton. And honestly she could admit now that she never really loved him like she should have. She loved the idea of loving him and she loved that he loved her, but she never felt toward him what Peyton felt toward him. She never felt that connection that everyone always talked about. That connection that led people to write epic novels of love and romance and fate.
With Lucas, and every other guy before and after him, she had felt nothing.
After some time she started to think that perhaps it was her sexual orientation, that maybe she was interested in women. So, she attempted to date and sleep with a woman. But, afterwards she had that same feeling of emptiness that she got with the men.
With all of the excuses gone she concluded that it must have been her.
The people around her constantly attempted to love her, and yet she never loved a single one of them.
Around the time that she accepted the fact that she was going to always be alone, that her career was her boyfriend, and that her mother was her best friend, was when the dreams began. At first she was incapable of seeing the dreams clearly. They were fuzzy and out of focus. But, as the nights went by she continued to have the same dream over and over and slowly it came into focus, revealing a little more each time.
First, all that she could see was a figure in the darkness of a room. She could tell that she was lying in a bed and that the figure was hovering above her, but she could not make out the face of the individual. Slowly though, the figure came into focus and she realized that it was a woman. Still, she could not recognize what woman that it was, and it haunted her mind throughout the day. She tried desperately to understand the dream, to put a face to the body, but it was to no avail.
One night it all became clear. The reality was terrifying.
She wished that she could just go back to not knowing who the figure was, because the reality was so much more difficult to comprehend than a shadow.
The face did not belong to Lucas. It did not belong to any of her ex-boyfriends. The face belonged to one of her closest friends.
Medium length curly brown hair framed her face, her pale skin glistened in the moonlight, her large brown eyes peered down at her through lashes, and she wore a beautiful toothy smile on her face. It was genuine, happy, and there was love in her eyes. Then she confirmed it. She whispered out. "I love you, Brooke Davis." And the dream came to an end.
Brooke had dreamt of people romantically before, but it had always revolved around sex. This was not the same. This dream consisted of the woman staring down at her and smiling and telling her that she loved her each and every night. It was such a simple dream that she was shocked that it actually lasted the entire night. Still, it was slowly becoming her favorite nightmare.
Because, until she woke up, she was in Heaven.
But, she always had to wake up to the harsh cold reality.
She could never have the other woman romantically. Not only because she was one of her closest friends and undoubtedly straight, but because she had a life. She had a husband that she loved dearly and Brooke was not willing to interfere with that. She was not willing to hurt anyone.
It was insane to her that she could harbor such intense feelings for someone and not even know that they were there. She often played with the idea, attempting to go back in time and recall moments with Haley and test these feelings, see how long they had been there. What she found was the most astonishing of all. Brooke had always wanted the other woman.
She wished that she could say that she had looked at Haley romantically only a few times back in high school, but the more that she thought about it, the more that she realized that she always thought about her romantically.
It was more than the multiple times that she would watch the beautiful woman get prepared for bed, or stare when she walked out of the bathroom in only a towel, when they lived together. More than the times that she would watch Haley's muscles flex as she performed a cheer routine, or as she changed after practice. She could not pinpoint the exact time and place, at least not a time and place that she was comfortable admitting to, so she settled on Lucas's first game.
When she cast her hazel eyes across the court and immediately focused in on Haley. At the time she had convinced herself that it was because she wanted Lucas and she was jealous. That had not been the case. She had liked Haley and she had been jealous.
How could she hide such a big secret from herself?
After spending countless years feeling alone, feeling empty, feeling as though she were not enough for anyone, she finally knew what she needed to be happy. She knew the one thing that would complete her. And she also knew that she could not have it. There was no chance.
The only way that she would ever have a chance with Haley is if she went back in time and told her how she felt before she had Nathan. Before she was in love and married.
Those things only happened in movies though.
"I just wish that I could go back and tell her how I feel… I am such a different person now… I could treat her right… I could love her…" She muttered softly under her breath as her eyelids danced. She was on the verge of sleep and she could feel the darkness consuming her mind. She was excited to see Haley again in her dreams.
"I just wish that I could go back…" She repeated herself before drifting away into the comforting darkness.
As the sun peeked into her room and cascaded across her face, Brooke started to awaken. She squirmed around in the bed, hoping to get comfortable again, before finally giving up and stretching out her limbs as she let out a loud groan.
Suddenly she realized something odd. The scent of her room was different than usual, she sniffed a few times, taking in the scent and hastily realized that the scent was familiar. It was the same perfume that she had worn back in high school. Hazel eyes snapped open and she stared up at a familiar ceiling. It was not the ceiling at her building in New York though; it was familiar because it was the same room that she had slept in for most of her life back in Tree Hill.
Brooke sat up in the bed and threw the covers off of her body. Staring down at them she recognized them as the same covers that she had on her bed junior year of high school. In fact, the entire bed was the same.
"Oh god, what am I wearing?" She questioned aloud as she looked over the clothing she was wearing. A simple black tank top that showed off a good amount of cleavage and her toned abdomen, and shorts that rose up high on her thighs showing off most of her creamy thighs. She could have sworn that she had put on a black nightgown to go to sleep in last night. Had someone snuck into her room and changed her? Changed her entire room, somehow?
Was this a practical joke?
She did not know the answers to all of these questions, but she did know that she was not going to find any answers by sitting and staring down at herself. She needed to get up and find someone to talk to.
Standing to her feet she looked around the room frantically. Everything was exactly the way that she had left it in high school. Glancing outside she could see that it was not only the room that was the same; it was the house as well. She had somehow gotten back to Tree Hill and she was in the home that her parents had sold. Where were the residents that had bought the house? Why was she here? How had she gotten here?
When her eyes connected with the full body mirror in her room, she screamed.
Brooke did not know how else to react to the impossible sight before her eyes. What she saw was not grown, sophisticated, fashion-designer, closed off Brooke Davis. She saw the same promiscuous partier that she had been back in high school. Or that she was currently, back in high school.
After the initial shock wore off she stopped screaming, but she did not stop staring. Her mouth agape and her hazel eyes wide with confusion and wonder, her stomach was flipping with anxiety and she felt sick all of a sudden. Reaching up, she touched her face to see if it was real.
"What the hell is going on?" She muttered to herself aloud. She did not understand. She could not understand. The last thing that she remembered from the night before was wishing that she could go back. Those things only happened in the movies though. It was not physically possible to travel back in time and fix the one thing that you regret more than anything. She could not be back in high school to win Haley over.
This had to be a dream.
Either way, she knew what she needed to do in order to make sure that she was in the past.
She needed to find Peyton.
"What year is it Peyton?" Brooke asked as she walked into the other woman's room without knocking. She supposed that it was a force of habit. Peyton did not even move from her chair as she walked in, but she did pause while drawing in order to stare up at her best friend with a look of bafflement.
"What do ya mean what year is it?" She laughed a little.
Taking in a breath, she let it out and responded, "I mean, what year is it? Are we still in high school?" Her heart was racing in her chest at the thought of being back in high school, at the thought of time traveling, and at the thought of possibly having the chance to be with Haley. Even if it was only a dream, she was excited.
"Uh, well, yeah. It's junior year B. Davis. Did you like get hit in the head or somethin'?" Peyton teased, but when the brunette did not say anything in response, she set down her sketchbook and stood to her feet, rushing to her friend's aid. "Hey, what's goin' on Brooke? Are you okay?"
"No…" She whispered out huskily. "No, I am not okay. This must be a dream…"
"A dream? No, this isn't a dream." She looked her friend over and crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you like still drunk for last night or somethin', 'cause you need to sober up fast. We got that big party at Nate's tonight."
Hazel eyes widened as Peyton mentioned the party at Nathan's. She could remember it well. It was the same party that she had hurt Haley at, the same party that had ruined Nathan and Haley before she fixed them. She had been a complete embarrassment that night and it was one of her biggest regrets that so many people remembered how she acted that night, that they teased her about it, it was shameful.
Tonight, she would change the past.
"I'm not drunk, but I do have something that I need to do before the party." Brooke explained before telling her that she needed to go.
This was her chance. Before Nathan and Haley had started dating, before they were married, before they were even friends, she could do something to change the past tonight and she planned on it.
'Still they envy you, your strength it musts
To keep it ever silent
That piercing internal scream.'
This is just an attempt at a Baley AU fic. I have never done one, because honestly I don't know how people are going to respond to it, but I thought hey why not! :)
If y'all want to read more than please do leave some reviews and tell me what you think! I will get the next chapter out ASAP!
Also will be updating a lot of my other Baley fics very soon. :)
Thank you all for reading and giving this idea a chance!