I'm so done with the no-emotions-careers thing. Because I damn well have emotions, and it was as hard as fuck not to use them during the Games. Even when you passed away died, all I could do was sit beside you and try not to show anything. Do you remember what I said to you, or were you already done by then? I'll remember what I said forever.
I killed Thresh, so don't worry about that up above, or down below, or wherever you are. He got what he deserved. You would have been proud, the way I did it. I also killed the pair from 12 easily. I know that we promised that Fire Girl would be a good one, but I couldn't. Imagine if the tables were turned and they didn't have their whole big shit romance televised. Would the cameras have focused on us?
But the thing is Clove, when I killed the last 3, it was different. I made them quick after Thresh's. Because all I could see when I killed Thresh was you, just lying there, lifeless. Suddenly death didn't seem that beautiful anymore.
And victory isn't as sweet when you actually taste it.
Maybe if you had been with me it would have been different. It would have felt better to be in that hovercraft, to hear the victory music blast in my ears. Even to sit in my room. They gave me a full bed.
The fucking stupid Capitol people didn't even seem to realize anything was between us. Caesar asked one question about it, and I answered it truthfully. I keep imagining the couch that would have been there instead of the one, straight-backed chair that I was put in.
One thing they never show to us is that they save all the interview dresses and put them in the different arenas after they're used, for the museums. I took yours because when I looked at it I saw your hair, your eyes, you.
I just miss you, okay? We could have been mentoring together, always together, but now I'm going to do it with either Brutus or Enobaria.
For my victory tour, in District 2, I went to all the training centers and spoke. I kept seeing you in the audience, egging me on, with that smirk that I always saw, ever since the first day we met.
Now I sound fucking crazy. Maybe I am. I couldn't care less.
And I'm sorry it took me so long to write you. I couldn't figure out how to put the words together for a while.
Hold my spot in heaven or hell or wherever you are, because I'm coming soon.
I love you.