TITLE: The Tongue Is An Excellent Aid In CPR
AUTHOR: Doctor Strangelove (email@example.com)
DESCRIPTION: James trys to explain to Lily why the tongue is a useful tool in CPR. Takes place during their fifth year.
RATING: PG-13 for language, implied snogging, and mild slash (which is m/m romance so if you don't like that sort of thing don't read).
PAIRING: James/Lily, Sirius/Remus
DISCLAIMER: It all belongs to J. K. Rowling.
FEEDBACK: I'd love it. Flames are welcome too.
James and Lily were quietly studying for their transfiguration final when Lily suddenly dropped her book and started making weird gestures with her hands. "Lily, what's wrong?" James asked his usually beautiful girlfriend who was now turning blue in the face. She pointed at her throat and then at a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans that was lying on the table. "Oh, you're choking!" Lily nodded. "I know just what to do!" Without warning James grabbed Lily by the head and pulled her into a tight kiss.
Lily pushed James off of her and started coughing, a dark brown bean flew out of her mouth and rolled along the table, resting next to a book entitled Transfiguring Barnyard Animals For Fun and Profit. "Ugh, hair!" Lily moaned before turning attention back to James, "James, what the hell were you doing!?"
"You were choking!" He stated, like shoving your tongue down someone's throat was the obvious thing to do in that situation.
"So you tried to make out with me?"
"Lily, of course I wasn't doing that!"
"Then what were you doing?"
"Lily, the tongue is an excellent aid in CPR." Lily just stared at him. "I know, I was shocked too, but let me explain."
Okay, it was about two months ago, it was around two in the morning and I was coming back from that walk we had around the lake-
I remember that!
Please, Lily, let me tell my sorry.
It's okay. Anyway, I was coming back from our walk and when I went into the common room and I was in for a shock. Remus was lying on the table with Sirius on top of him, and their mouths were pressed together like they were making out.
They were what!?
Like I was saying, they were on the table and it look like they were making out and there was even some moaning. Let me finish, Lily. "What the hell?" I said, and they looked up and saw me, because I was so shocked that I had dropped my invisibility cloak.
"James!" Sirius said, and he stood up quickly and Remus followed suit.
"James, this isn't what it looks like," Remus stated and started to smooth his hair back down.
"Right!" Sirius shouted, "You see, Remus and I were studying, and he was, um…"
"Choking! I was choking!"
"Yes! He was choking on, a, uh…"
"Right! And I was trying to dislodge it from his throat."
"Using your tongue?" I asked skeptically.
"Yes, my tongue, James. Did you know that the tongue happens to be an excellent aid in performing CPR? No, of course you wouldn't, because you never pay attention in class, you're too busy passing notes to Lily. How would you be if Lily started choking, James? You'd be like, 'Oh no! Lily's choking! Maybe I should stick my tongue down her throat! No, that's be weird and put us in a very compromising situation!' And you would just sit there while she choked to death!"
"But-but-but, I-I don't want Lily to die."
"It's too late. She's dead, James. You killed her."
"…I didn't mean to."
"Then maybe you should believe me when I tell you about the use of tongue when someone's choking. It's very effective."
"Very," Remus echoed with a smile on his face.
"Oh, wow," I said, "I'm so glad you guys opened my eyes to this. It really scared me when I thought Lily might choke to death.""
"I bet it did. Well, having a near-death experience really tuckers me out. I think I'm going to head on to bed." Remus turned and started to walk up the stairs when he stopped and turned back, "Coming Sirius?"
"Oh, right! Coming. G'night James!" and Sirius hurried up the stairs with Remus.
"And that's what happened," James finished his story.
Lily again just stared at him, "Um, James?"
But he wasn't listening, "I guess Remus must be allergic to Chocolate Frogs or something because I walked in on Sirius giving him CPR a bunch of other times and they always said that Remus was choking."
"James, I don't think that-"
"Which is weird because I once saw Remus eat twenty-five Chocolate Frogs in one sitting and he was fine. Maybe it's because he's eating them while he's studying."
"James, listen to me."
"But why were he and Sirius studying in a closet that one time?"
"There was always one thing I didn't understand about that night I walked in on Remus choking two months ago."
Lily had finally given up trying to explain to James that she didn't think the reason he kept finding Remus and Sirius with locked lips had anything to due to studying or an allergy to chocolate, "What's that, James?""Why were they studying naked?"