Disclaimer: If I owned anything from Rookie Blue I wouldn't be writing Fanfiction. Just saying.
A/N: This plot bunny sort of attacked out of nowhere really and I had to get it out before I spontaneously combusted. It is definitely the sort of story that can stand alone, but I just might continue it ;)
This wasn't happening.
He just left her there, left her standing all alone out in the rain with tears spilling down her cheeks and worst of all with her heart breaking. He didn't even say a word as he did it, simply got into his truck and just drove away like it was nothing. Like they were nothing. Like it was easy. She hadn't expected him to actually go, not really anyway. For the briefest of moments it had looked like he was going or wanted to say something further but instead he just turned away, the sound of the car door shutting might as well have been the sound of her heart shattering.
After everything they had gone through to even get up to this point it astounded her that he could just toss it aside with so much ease. After all the missed opportunities and pain, after all the risks and mistakes, after all the blood, sweat, and tears suffered. The tragedy of it was how after all that, they had only really just begun their relationship as a couple. They were finally settling into an easy and enjoyable routine, learning new things about each other every day. They were enjoying each other fully- or that's how she had felt anyway.
All it had taken was a little bit of pressure and strain added on top the blissful mix of early romance, and that was enough to unsettle the precarious balance that was their relationship and everything started to crumble under the weight. Sam of course had his inadequate excuses, one of which included not being able to be with her and be a good cop at the same time. His words had hurt – still hurt.
It's not like she can say she didn't know at least subconsciously deep down that something like this was coming – for heavens sake the entire day alone after the funeral all Sam seemed to do was make off color comments that weren't even hidden innuendos of the fact that he blamed her in not so many words for Jerry's death. He didn't even have the decency to do it behind her back. No, instead he did it directly and blatantly to her face without so much as a semblance of shame or remorse.
It wasn't long at all before she figured out that he was taking his anger and frustration out on her. It actually made sense, she was something he could use and abuse for the time being and with her being in the role of girlfriend she was supposed to play the part of the understanding and supportive partner. She was supposed to know that he wasn't really directing anything at her personally, that he was just angry over loosing his oldest best friend. Hell, she couldn't even begin to imagine what her mood swings would be like if she were to loose Traci. She had gotten a hint of what it would have been like when she entertained for the briefest of moments the thought that they weren't going to find Gail alive. So naturally given the situation and circumstances she could and was willing cut Sam a whole lot of slack in the department of his less then desirable mood, even for his misplaced blame for the time being, and without complaint.
However she never imagined that his resentment ran so deep, that it was so intensely personal. That was possibly the most painful part of all. Perhaps he didn't really blame her directly, but no matter how Sam was analyzing and rationalizing the situation he always seemed to come back around to blaming her. Sam was playing the ever dangerous what-if game and every false turn led back to her as the root cause of what had happened somehow and thus made her ultimately responsible for the outcome that had been reached.
How incredibly unfair, and the more she let her mind linger on it the angrier she could feel herself becoming, so much so that the feeling was swelling up inside her chest and constricting her throat making it hard to breath normally. It was growing and resonating through her very being and was being compounded equally by her pain. It wasn't like she had wanted Jerry to die - none of them did. How could she have possibly known what was going to happen by making the choices she did. She might be a rookie, but she had only been doing the very thing Sam had been teaching her from day one and that was allowing herself to follow her instincts. If he had felt so strongly against her judgment then he could and should have said something, especially if he felt she was making the wrong choice.
It was absolutely absurd to even try and make her the scapegoat for the situation they all found themselves in, and doing so certainly wasn't helping anything or anyone. All it would do was make Sam feel guiltier and angrier and turn into a vicious repetitive cycle. No matter how foolish it seemed to do so though, Sam was still stubbornly determined to do it anyway. She didn't want to seem like a pessimist by any means, and she definitely didn't want to undermine Jerry's unfortunate and untimely passing, but the truth of the matter is Jerry could have died at any time in any manner of way, and there wouldn't have been a damn thing Sam or any one else could have done to change that. That was simply the way of the job. It was a risk they all accepted when they swore the oath to serve and protect. It was something that everyone knew was a real tragic possibility.
Maybe, just maybe though, Sam was right in the long run about them. Perhaps they really couldn't do this anymore. Maybe it was impossible for them to be both good Officers and lovers at the same time. Who could really know that for sure though? Was the assumption that his hunch about them might be right enough to sabotage what they have, or what they had based on the current state of things.
Her musings did absolutely nothing to quell the pain she was feeling, not one bit. Her thoughts were bombarded with all kinds of swarming emotions and speculations bouncing around in her mind, taunting her. It felt like she was in free fall, completely out of control with no way to stop the descent. It was becoming harder to focus on one single thought or feeling and it was making her nauseous and dizzy. She was circulating between anger, guilt, and sorrow, attempting to resolve each as they passed, trying in vain to find some semblance of a leveled medium. Struggling to calm and quiet her mind if only for a moment.
Her body however was another matter completely and wasn't having any of it - she could feel herself collapsing under the invisible weight of her own exhaustion. The faint beating of the raindrops against her skin hardly noticeable anymore and the icy cold wetness of the muddy waters soaking into her jeans an almost welcome comfort. She leaned her head to the side and rested her temple against the drenched palpable aging wood that made up the fence Sam had been leaning on not to long ago.
She let herself stare blankly out at the road. The rain creating a beautiful performance against the black pavement of the road, the lights flickering off the water as the drops sprinkled into the air upon impact. It was like watching an elegant composition of dancers moving to a powerful symphony. Eventually she found herself gazing down the same path that Sam's truck had taken only moments before. If she tried hard enough she imagined she could still hear the rumbling of the diesel engine in the distance.
Andy took in a shallow, shaky, unsteady breath, her tears still stubbornly flowing down her flushed face, dropping off from the tip of her chin into the lapels of her jacket and getting lost in the wetness of the fabric formed by the relentless rain that seemed to grow heavier by the second. She had told him not to end their relationship on a cliché, and now here she was ironically living one, huddled up in the rain and wallowing in her post breakup pain. How many romance movies had she watched where there had been a similar scene. Only in this particular movie she wasn't foolish enough to expect to see his truck pulling back into the driveway. Sam wasn't going to return to pull her from the ground into a passionate kiss and make everything ok again. This wasn't a Hollywood movie with a happy ending.
A small sob escaped her lips, and she pressed the palm of one hand to her lips tightly in an attempt to quiet her cries, her body racking softly with each strangled breath through her nostrils. There was no stopping it now though, not when the floodgates had been opened. The whimpering noises grew more desperate and uncontrollable as she let the emotions and grief from not only now but the entire week consume her.
She had kept herself carefully composed, of course the pain had shown through her eyes and was obvious on her face, as it was with everyone else's, but she hadn't allowed herself to really cry. She prided herself on being strong and she had needed to be strong for Sam and Traci. So she had bottled it up, neatly packaged her emotions and put them away for a later time, preferably to be revisited in private.
How could she be strong now? There was only so much stress one person could take before they broke down and lost it, no matter how strong they were or pretended to be. Sam leaving her was the straw on the camels back and her resolve toppled down from the neat pile she had put it in.
She was content to let out her grievances right there in the open for however long it took for her tears to run dry and her lungs to stop burning. There was no way she could go back inside now soaked to the bone with her eyes red, puffy and swollen. It wouldn't be right of her to slump back in and selfishly turn the attention of those inside celebrating and mourning Jerry's life to her instead. They deserved their right to uninterrupted closure; she didn't need to bring more pain to anyone else.
Her absence didn't go unnoticed though.
She didn't even register the sound of the back door of the bar creaking open slowly. She didn't hear the faint sound of boots against the wet dirt signaling someone walking up to her. She was so engulfed in her sorrow, pain, and self pity that it left her completely vulnerable to the world around her. That was a dangerous position for her to find herself in had it been anyone else behind her.
"Andy…" the voice started hesitantly, carefully. The sound of her name being called out no mater how softly startled her and it felt like her heart had jumped clear out of her chest and her head couldn't spin around fast enough, her free hand reaching for a gun on her hip that wasn't there. "…are you all right?"
It was a rhetorical question and they both knew it. Even though the rain was falling down over her face, it was still blatantly obvious that she was crying, especially so when she wiped furiously at her cheeks in a futile attempt to brush away the tears. She tried to will herself back under control, her lips pressed into a thin line of determination. She succeeded for a few moments at best before her throat closed up again and tears that had been lingering on her waterline spilled over.
"Chris –" her voice broke and she turned in her seated position so that her back was now resting up against the post her temple had earlier. She couldn't bring herself to say anything else, small whimpered cries escaping unhindered from her lips and she squeezed her eyes shut.
"Oh, oh hey now, Andy," Chris's eyes were immediately filled with worry and concern as he squatted down in front of her, his forearms resting on his knees. He had the urge to hug her or touch her but it felt slightly awkward, heck seeing her like this period was awkward. Honestly, seeing any woman like this would be awkward. It didn't help that they weren't really best friends, sure they were good friends and he liked her well enough, but they weren't the most tightly knit people in the group. Even so, and despite his decided lack of experience with crying women, he could tell that this was far more then just about Jerry's death and he wasn't going to leave her now. "...What happened?" he asked gently.
"Sam, he…" It felt like she couldn't breath and Andy tried to catch her breath through her crying, making it sound like she was taking gulping gasping sounds. "He, left..." she let out another choked sob "he left me. " She finally managed to get out, and now that the words were out in the open it made it seem all the more real. She finally looked over at Chris, her hands resting palm up on her thighs as if subconsciously admitting she didn't know what do to. Her vision was slightly blurry, and her head was starting to pound with a taut tension creeping up her neck.
Chris didn't need her to explain any further. It was pretty obvious even to a fool that she didn't just mean Sam left her stranded here without a ride home. Whatever reservations had held him back before were no longer of concern as he reached out and grabbed her hands and coaxed her up, allowing her to pull herself up with his help into a standing position . He didn't even give her a chance to gain some bearings before pulling her into a tight hug.
Andy didn't protest, instead she let out another deep pain filled cry, burrowing her head into the crook of his neck her hands tucked up under her chin against his chest. He didn't say a word; he simply held her tight and let her get her anguish out. If he minded at all being outside in the rain and the cold without a jacket he didn't once show it.
Chris didn't know the whole story from the horse's mouth, only the bits and pieces he had picked up from some of the others, and from his own observations. He wasn't naive though, he just didn't want to assume anything or take workplace gossip for fact, but he knew that Sam and Andy hadn't had the smoothest start to a relationship. He also knew that when it was officially out of the bag that they were dating that since meeting Andy he couldn't remember ever seeing her happier.
He stood there like a rock and let her take comfort against him until her cries had softened to quiet hiccups. One of his hands smoothed its way up and down her back in a slow and soothing repetitive motion of support and comfort, other then that he didn't move or make any motion to think he wanted her to move.
When she was ready she started to pull back slowly and Chris relaxed his hold on her allowing her to do so. He kept his hands on her shoulders, as she took a small step back, her eyes staring intently at the ground and one hand reaching up to brush away the last few straggling tears.
She broke the silence first "Chris..." she wanted to thank him but was at a loss for words, not that that would have mattered because before she could find some she was quickly interrupted.
"Don't mention it." He said with sincerity and definitiveness. She let her eyes find his and gave him a long hard look before nodding in understanding, knowing exactly what he was talking about and she was grateful. She took in her first solid deep breath since she had started crying. Slowly her world started to come back into focus as she regained her bearings. She let out a heavy sigh, having not realized she had been holding her last breath in.
"You going to be all right?" Chris asked his voice so warm and comforting to her right now. There was nothing panicked or rushed in his tone. It was obvious that what he said he meant too, he was a good and genuine person. Andy had been around him enough to know he was a very caring, kind, and sincere person, she had seen his funny, playful, and goofy side. She had also seen how serious he could be, especially about breaking rules or policy, he was a very by the book cop and for him the world existed in mostly black and white and somehow he managed to make that a not so negative thing.
She also knew that he could be deeply caring and loyal but she personally had never been on the receiving end of such honest support and concern and it made her realize just how good of a friend she had in him. She made a mental note to make more of an effort to get to know him better and to spend more time with him, to treat him more like the friend he deserved to be treated like if his actions tonight were any indication.
"I think so," she replied, thinking about it for a moment. "I will be." She said with a little more finality, not reveling much of how she was feeling or what she was thinking right now, granted even if she had wanted to confide in Chris, and the good lord knows he wouldn't tell a soul if she asked him not to, she wasn't even sure how she was feeling or what she was thinking to make any coherent sense.
He didn't question or coddle her, and she appreciated that more then he would ever know. He simply took her word at face value and didn't push her into saying anything she didn't want to; he gave her a supportive smile and let his hands drop from her shoulders to rest with his thumbs hooked into the front of his drenched jean pockets.
Andy looked around briefly, the once pouring rain had now slowed to a slow but steady drizzle.
"Can I give you a ride home?" he asked, pulling her focus back to him. For a second a smile danced across her lips when she noticed his usually perfect looking hair pressed flatly against his forehead, small strands almost dangling over his eyes, it was a soggy mess that looked uniquely attractive on him, and she could only imagine what kind of wet rats nest was sitting on top her head. The moment was fleeting though when she though about home. She didn't want to go home.
"I – I can't go back there. Not tonight." She said solemnly. The last thing Andy wanted was to return to her apartment and see some of the things Sam had stashed around, or sleep in the bed she had shared and slept with him in as recently as this morning. She was barely together as it was one ill fated step from falling over the edge again and she didn't want to cry anymore, at least not tonight.
"Want me to get Traci, maybe she can let you stay at her place for the night?" he asked with a little bit of uncertainty, like he didn't really think it was the greatest idea on earth. "I know you guys do that sort of thing sometimes." He admitted, knowing how close they were.
"No, just, she has a lot that she is dealing with right now already," she sniffled a little and shoved her hands into her wet jacket pockets. "The last thing she needs are my problems on top of it." She didn't want to stand in the cold rain for the rest of the night. She didn't want to go home. She didn't want to go back inside either. That left her at a crossroads and she shifted her weight from foot to the other and bit her bottom lip as she tried to figure out what she wanted to do next.
Chris sympathized with her situation, he could see that she was in a real tight spot and even if she didn't say so he could see by the way she glanced at the door from time to time with a skittish sort of gaze that the second to last place she wanted to go right now was back inside, but they had to get out of the rain before they both caught a cold or worse some sort of hypothermia. He could already feel the chills setting in deep within his bones and it was becoming an effort to keep them from visibly showing.
"You can stay at my place, here, come on." He said, taking a step back and turning slightly to the side as if to start walking towards his truck, one hand casually held out as if offering to let her go first "We have to get you out of this weather." He said after giving it a few moments thought. Andy looked like she was about to argue, but her features quickly settled into acceptance and gratitude.
She didn't really have a whole lot of options and even she could agree that this was a pretty decent compromise. It wasn't like she could go home, she refused to burden Traci or Gail, her father would want to talk about it or worse take a shotgun and hunt down Sam, she didn't want to go anywhere near her Mother, she didn't want to press upon Noelle or Frank with the new baby and Oliver was in a hotel at the moment and she didn't know Collins well enough to ask him for any sort of favor, and she would become an icicle in hell before crashing at Luke`s.
There wasn't anything stopping her from getting a hotel room of her own, actually that was a pretty logical option, but deep down inside she didn't really want to be alone in a foreign room, and she couldn't really afford the extra expense. Chris and Dov's place wasn't just as good as any, it was better than any she had the option of.
She accepted his offer by nodding in agreement, and with that being his cue he turned and started heading back to his truck, slowing his pace to allow her to walk right next to him. There was no use in even attempting to keep the seats dry she thought as Chris came over to the passenger side and opened the door for her. He was possibly one of the most chivalrous gentlemen she had ever met, even after using a clicker that unlocked all the doors with a couple beeps and the flash of headlights, he still made the effort to open and close it for her.
The ride back to his place was silent, but comfortable. She didn't volunteer any more words for the night, mostly out of fear of breaking down again if she spoke, she didn't even trust herself with casual conversation right now. He didn't press for any information or try to force conversation on her. She let her gaze stare out the window and he generally would keep his on the road with the exceptional occasional glance her direction to check that she was still ok.
There wasn't anything that she needed to worry about right now that couldn't wait until tomorrow after a good nights rest – and she was so emotionally and physically tired.
Chris knew that Dov would bring his jacket back to the apartment along with his phone that was still in the pocket when he was done for the night so he wasn't worried about that, and he sent a quick prayer of thanks up that he had placed his keys in his jean pockets instead.
It was easier for both of them to just leave; otherwise he would have had to explain not only why he was cutting out early, but also why he was soaking wet. Again, another prayer of thanks for crafty forethought for having told Dov he wasn't feeling well and needed to get some air; Dov would just assume he decided to go home because of that and everyone else would assume Andy and left with Sam for obvious reasons if the look on Sams face when he exited the bar was any indication.
At least for the rest of tonight Andy wouldn't have to deal with her life and all the troubles that came with it.
A/N: I hope you guys liked it so far. I know it is a bit out of Andy's character from what we have seen on the show, but come on, no matter how brave or composed a front you put on, there is only so much one person can take. I think her little display in the squad car this last eppie shows that a break down isn't compleatly out of the realm of possiblity for her character, especially in front of Chris's character. Maybe this is part of the reason why he was so upset with Swarek in the locker room :3 muahahaha. Anyway, I am thinking of continuing this story and seeing where it goes. It has been far too long since I have awoken the writing dragon.
Also just for the fun of it, here is my playlist that I was listening to while I wrote and edited this chapter:
Christina Aguilera - You Lost Me / Anna Ternheim - No I Don't Remember / Lissie - Everywhere I Go / Kate Voegele - Hallelujah / Anna Nalick - Wreak of the Day / Alexz Johnson - Skin / Rob Thomas - This is How a Heart Breaks
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