You guys, I love parody stories. Like, a lot. I'd like to think that this is pretty funny, but I don't know if it's too over the top ridiculous. I really don't want to offend anybody because everything I write for this story will be extremely exaggerated. Although, I still think some of this is pretty true to a few of the garbage stories on here.
Anywhore, I really hope you guys like it! The inspiration for this would have to be That's So Original! by Ailodierap, which I'm sure you've read or at least heard of. Go check him out because he has other amazing stories! If you guys liked the chapter please let me know in a review and tell me what I should parody next!
This chapter is: How Bade Met
Do you like my creative title?
Well, that basically sums this up. Also, in all the chapters I will be using really bad spelling and grammar purposely, just FYI. Tell me your favorite misspellings, because I have a few ;)
Disclaimer: If I told you I own Victorious, I would be lying. The Po-Po would shut me down.
Wuz up maddafukas, its Jade West.
In case you haven't seen a single episode of Victorious and I have to explain this, I'm a bad azz bitch. If you mess with me, I'll cut you with my favorite pair of scissors. Because that's absolutely not a cliché that almost all authors use when writing stories in my point of view. Lol wut?
So, I rly wanted to share the first time me and Beck met. I'm saying this becuz the author doesn't have a good transition into the topic. But yah, lets dive into this stupied ass story.
I remember the first time I met Beck (did this really have to be repeated?) at a local Starbucks, because the author is too caught up in writing this totes awesome story to even do their research and find out that in Victorious world, it is call Jet Brew. They dumb.
Anywho, (because that's clearly something I would say) I was drinking my jet black coffee, even though in Stage Fighting, I obviously made it clear that I drink coffee with two sugars. But because I wear black all the time, I'm sarcastic and bitter, and the author probably doesn't watch the show that often, they assume that I drink black coffee. Well, I was drinking black coffee, (be prepared, this is something the author with point out about thirteen times during the chapter. It really is thirteen times, I counted.) sitting at a table, pawndering death and hate and scissors. Obviously.
Then, I saw him ordering at the counter. (Where else would he be ordering, up an elephant's ass?) All of the sudden, it was lyke the angles (obtuse or acute?) were singing, the sun was shining brighter, and there instantly was love in my ice cold heart. At the exact moment that I saw him, he turned around to gaze back at me in slow motion; my eyes finding his coffee brown ones. (Give the author a round of applause for repetition! Because, you know, they described his eyes as a coffee color and we're in a coffee shop. Lol repetition, wut?) Still in slow motion, he made his way to my table flippin' his luxurious hair in a Willow Smith fashion. He was soooooo smexeh!
If you haven't noticed by the above paragraph, the author is making me incredibly OOC so they can live vicariously through me. So, what they're really writing is how they would feel if they met Avan Jogia at a coffee shop. Nonetheless, the author totes lyke hearts Bade forevar, and if you're too stoopid to realize that, GTFO or I'll cut you. With my scissors. Because even though I'm a pretty violent person, we can all just assume that I don't own any other weapons except for scissors which hardly even count.
Enough about logistics, let's get back to my souper amazing, cliché, irrelevant story!
Once Beck finally made it to my table after all his slow motion hair tossing, he flashed me a heart melting smile. Oh wait, I'm Jade and I don't gots a heart. Lol, angst. Beck took in a long, drawn out breath (Seriously, he inhaled for lyke thirty seconds.) then muttered sexily, "Hi." Damn, I thought to myself, he's got a way with words.
Although I was instantly omg in love with him, I kept on drinking my black coffee while my heart that I just established I don't have was beating fast inside my chest. Beck gave a beautiful chuckle that reminded me of a unicorn and rainbow having sex because it was so magical and hot nd stuffff. (Yeah, I think rainbows and mythical creatures fuking is hawt. Don't judge.) "Omg, go away," I said, pretending to be annoyed cuz I'm a actress and can pull off that kind of shit, "I'm Jade West and no one messes with me, fo realz."
The beautiful hunk of a man in front of me let out a large gasp, his features warping into true shock and surprise. "Fo reals?" He asked, reasonably astonished.
I let out a giggle, being completely true to my character, of course. "No, you silly goose! There's a 'z' at the end, not a 's'." We both laughed at that hilar thing I said for about forty minutes, all the while a huge batch of sexual tension started to bloom between us.
Finally, when we both calmed down enough to process thoughts quickly, Beck reached out and began to caress my cheek, which really hurt because I had a canker sore there that had been festering for weeks, but I didn't say anything cuz that wouldn't be romantic. "Oh Jadelyn – if that is your real name that the writers never confirmed – thou art the hottest thing I've evar seen. It would be totes kewl if we got together and had le sexy times."
The souper sexy flirtatious smile on my face quickly turned into shock and astonishment and another synonym that the author doesn't feel like looking up. I stood up from my chair and picked up my black coffee, throwing it in Beck's face. "OMG BECK," I yelled in capital letters, emphasizing that I was yelling, "HOW COULD YHU BE A TOTAL DUCHBAG AND SAY THAT OMG, WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS COME HERE AND DRINK MY BLACK COFFEE AND THEN YOU WALK IN SUGGESTING I'M A SKANK! I'M DEFINITELY NOT THAT SLUT VICWHOREIA VEGA WHO I DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW BECAUSE THIS STORY IS SET BEFORE I EVEN MET HER BUT I DON'T GIVE A FUK! IF YOU WANT LE SEXY TIMES GO FIND HER BECAUSE IT'S OBVI THAT YOU KNOW HER EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T!"
At that point, the whole coffee shop was standing, cheering me on by chanting, "Jade! Jade! Jade! Jade!" over and over. Although, they didn't actually know my name and this would never happen in da real world. The writer is too busy fangirling over all this pointless Bade drama to give two flying pairs of scissors, (again with the scissors) so you better get used to it.
Beck's expression didn't change much through the scalding black coffee; does his expression evar change, tho? "Jade, please, I did not mean that I wanted to have the sesses with you, I just want to hold you forevar while you tell me all about how your life sucks and how the world hates you and you can touch my awesome hair and maybe even my abs if you're lucky because the author wants to imagine me without a shirt! Please give me another chance. Isn't it obvi that I luv you? I even dedicated a whole run on sentence to prove it!"
"Omg, Beck that was the sweetest thing anyone's evar said!" I yelled, running into his arms, ignoring the fact that he was standing right next to me so it was impossible for me to do that. Whatevs.
Beck twirled me around as we both bellowed laughter, even though nothing was humorous. I guess the black coffee all over Beckett's face suddenly evaporated and becomed a black coffee cloud, because all of the sudden there was no black coffee on his face. Cuz I'm Jade and I can make liquids disappear with my love. The whole Starbucks was applauding, even the baristarz! Beck and I walked out of the café hand in hand, laughing still about our newfound luv and all that awesome stufff.
So yah, that's lyke how it all started.
We actually ended up having sex about 3.7 seconds after that whole incident happened, but who the fuk needs morals? Not me cuz I'M JADE WEST as I have pointed out about 2.4681523487135412798217914862 811 thousand times in this story, so if you don't know that by now, you sir or ma'am, are dum. But yah Beck and I totes gave each other our love and genitalia cuz it's souper romantic to have sex after about fifteen minutes after meeting someone, but doesn't errybody know that?
"Babe?" Beck asks, bringing me back to tha present. By that, I don't mean a birthday present. I don't get those cuz my parents hate me. Lol, I'm such a tough bitch.
I turn my head to look at him in slow motion, becuz if you haven't noticed by now, that's kind of our thing. Our eyes meet and it's lyke the first time I saw him all over again, cuz we're in love and all that junk. "I got you your…" Beck says in a sexi husky voice, pausing for dramatic effect. "Black coffee."
I grab the black coffee and go home without even giving my own bf a hug or kiss. Once I get home, I drink all of the lukewarm black coffee as I sit on my porch. After that, I cut up the paper cup with a pair of scissors Beck gave me, becuz the author thinks I gots nothing better 2 do. As the sun sets, I look out at the whoreizon and think of how much I lurve Beck.
Also, I think of scissors.
I know, the ending was really bad. But, let's be honest here, wasn't the whole thing extremely, horribly, incredibly bad? I rest my case. This whole thing is not even two thousand words, but you have no idea how painful it was to write even that.
I really hope you guys liked it! I've been working on it for a few weeks now, and I hope it's up to par!
Whether or not I continue this is kind of up to you, so let me know! You know, in a review.
Or Jade will cut yhu wit her scissors.
Okay, okay, I'm done.