Disclaimer: I do not own the ravishing JK Rowling work.
You sat in your four-poster with the curtains drawn. You could hear your friend's voices but only faint murmurs; questions and answers, drawn out comments that couldn't seem to make it past your curtains and into your mind. It had been this way for an hour, you feigned sleeping with the excuse of a headache, but you, of course, weren't sleeping and your head didn't so much ache as it did buzz.
The buzzing was driving you crazy. It had been a constant for maybe a week, if not more. You didn't' know how long ago it had started, you didn't know what day it was. Maybe Tuesday, but, wait, did you have classes today?
It didn't matter, nothing mattered, and it probably never would again. You had a plan; it was a plan to make the buzzing go away. You realized the buzzing only happened when you were awake, so it just made sense that if you didn't wake up the buzzing would stop.
You'd stolen Remus' anti-depressant, he didn't need them anymore. Not as much as you did. Nobody saw it coming, not even Sirius, your best mate- no, brother. You were absolutely certain they would be fine though, you wouldn't be doing this if you weren't. You had written letters, not apologizing, you weren't sorry, just explaining yourself.
You stopped and listened to see if you could hear anything. All was quiet, except the buzzing. You stuck your head out of your curtains to double check that everyone was asleep, they were. Stuffing the potion bottle and the letters into your satchel you slid out of bed and through your dorm.
"Prongs, where you goin? S'the middle of the night." Sirius mumbled half asleep.
"Just going to get something to drink, bit thirsty." You lied easily.
"Oh, s'alright, see you in the morning." Sirius rolled over.
No you won't, you thought but said nothing as you slid out of the tower, then out of the school. The Quidditch pitch was eerily silent as you approached it. Once you'd made it to the change room you put your satchel in your locker and set the three envelopes containing your letters on the bench. That's all they were, just letters. You couldn't bear to let yourself think of them as suicide notes because you were once told suicide was the coward's way out and you were not a coward. This was the right thing to do.
Once everything was set up, you pulled out the bottle of potion and a bottle of firewhiskey you had saved from this very occasion. You swallowed half the bottle of whiskey and chased it with what was left of the potion. The room spun for a moment but once you had grasped your bearings you scooped a broom from the cupboard. Five minutes later you found yourself circling the pitch in the dark. This wasn't part of your plan but flying just felt so right at the moment.
From up that high the grass was the perfect emerald. It reminded you of Lily's eyes. Oh, what would she think of you now? Her and her pretentious Ravenclaw boyfriend. She thought you were pathetic and weak and sick and wrong. You guess you just proved her right. There was nothing you could do about it now. You remember the last time she spoke to you. It had been weeks or maybe just days, you weren't sure. Possibly around the same time the buzzing started. You could hear her words just as loud and clear as if she was saying them now.
"James Potter, give up, please. Just give up. I'm in love… with him, James. Give up."
You can't remember if you cried but you remember your heart breaking as you heard those words. She loved him. But why shouldn't she? He was smart, not too bad looking, clean cut. He probably never had a detention in his life, while you held one of the record for most detentions earned, even if they weren't all attended.
You wander if Lily will cry when she hears about you. Probably not, but if she does, it'll be into his shoulder. She'll be his to hold.
That's when everything starts to spin and it feels like you can't breathe. The buzzing gets louder than ever and it's all you can hear, feel, see. This time you know you're crying and maybe everything hurts but maybe it's all just numb but it's buzzing and throbbing and then you hear it. Someone shouting your name.
You open your eyes just in time to see a flash of red as she runs beneath you. It's too late though, she's too late.
But… she's here and maybe that's enough for you to be okay just for now. So you let go and close your eyes and you keep flying.
She sees you hit the ground and runs to help you, but she can tell it's too late, the buzzing had stopped before you even hit the ground.