Disclaimer:I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Supernatural. Buffy belongs to Whedon, and Supernatural belongs to Kripke. No money made.
A/N: This is set in early Buffy S7 or late S6, while Anya is still a demon. Also, the timelines are being worked differently again, because, again, fanfiction. This is meant to be just a short funny little piece. Also, for SPN, consider it set somewhere within S5, late. Also, I have a follow up to this one called "A Civil Brunch." It'll be posted up soon, so keep an eye out! Please enjoy!
All My Exes Live in Cali
Dean and Sam set the bowl aside, their eyes locked on the Devil's trap in front of them. From his place behind his desk, Bobby sighed.
"Maybe Crowley got held up. Gotta keep him busy, running from Lucifer's supporters," he said.
Sam, meanwhile, lifted up the musty book that he and Dean had previously been chanting out of. His brow furrowed, he glanced up at his older brother.
"Dean, are you sure this is the right summoning spell?" he asked.
Dean rolled his eyes. "Of course, I am." He paused, staring at Sam's obviously worried features. "But, for curiosity's sake, why do you ask?"
"Well," Sam began, but he didn't get to finish.
"Do you know what I've done in the past to men who's summoned me?" growled a voice behind them.
They turned, eyes wide at the figure that had taken Crowley's place. She was human-shaped, being that she was a girl, but her face was… mangled, and very vein-y. Her hair was short and blonde, falling just to her shoulders. She stepped carefully around the Devil's Trap—having arrived just on the outside of it—growling as she approached Sam and Dean.
"Move," Bobby called, and the boys split—Sam going left, and Dean going right.
A shot from the rifle in the older hunter's hands rang out, hitting the new monster right in the stomach. She barely even flinched.
"Why have you summoned me?" she growled.
"Um," Dean said, his eyes shooting back and forth between Sam and Bobby. "We didn't."
The monster raised her brow. "Yes. You did."
Sam, the book still in his hand, skimmed over the passage that Dean had used for the summoning.
"Are you Anyanka?" he asked.
She turned, her head cocked to one side. "You know that I am. You summoned me, remember? And it had better be for good reason. You better have a boyfriend you want turned into a chaos demon or something."
Her voice was gradually less gravelly as she hitched her hands on her hips. Dean shook his head.
"Uh," he laughed, albeit a bit nervously. "I think there's been a mistake here. See, we were trying to summon someone else. I guess I, uh, read the wrong passage. My bad."
Anyanka rolled her eyes, and by the time she had them locked on the boys again, she looked altogether different. In fact, she looked human, plain and simple. She now brought her arms up to cross them over her chest, huffing.
"Well, isn't that just great? My first summons since getting my powers back… and it's a wrong number. Great. Just freakin' perfect. By any chance, Handsome Hunter Number One, do you know the name of the demon you were trying to summon instead?"
Dean and Sam glanced between each other. Finally, Dean pointed a finger at himself.
"Duh," Anya said.
Dean grinned, looking a bit goofy, until Sam elbowed him.
"Oh, right. Yeah, it was—"
"And what party am I missing out on here?" came the familiar drawl of just the demon the Winchesters had been looking for.
Crowley stepped around the Devil's trap, stopping just at Anyanka's back, his hands tucked inside the pockets of his favored black coat. Dean and Sam both looked up at him, at a loss for words for a moment.
"Um, wrong number," Bobby explained, pointing to Anyanka.
But she turned, and the outrage that was on her face was almost tangible in the room.
"Crowley?" she said.
Crowley grinned. "Anyanka! Why, it's been a dog's age. I heard you'd gone human on us."
Anyanka shook her head, huffing again. "Well, if you had kept up with me, you'd have known that that's not the case. At least not anymore."
Crowley frowned, a look of mock—at least, from Sam and Dean's perspective, that's what it seemed like—sadness on his face. He shrugged, moving a bit closer to the demon.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I heard about what happened though. Bad luck, Anya."
Anya shook her head, whirling toward the hunters at her back. She jabbed a thumb in Crowley's direction.
"Can you believe this guy? 'Bad luck'? The nerve!" She whirled back toward her fellow demon, adding, "You're lucky I don't flay your meatsuit alive!"
Crowley chuckled. "Oh, dear, you never change. So, why are you here? These two breaking up or something?"
Dean and Sam shook their heads, scoffing. But Anya only sighed.
"No. They were summoning you. Look, if it's all the same, I'd just rather go. After all, it's clear you don't really want me here."
Crowley rolled his eyes. "Oh, pumpkin—"
Anya raised a hand, calling him to a stop. "Save it. If you really cared about me, you would've come to my wedding. But you didn't. You didn't even send a gift!"
Crowley shrugged. "I thought it would be awkward."
Anya sighed. "Whatever. See you."
And with that, she was gone. Dean took a couple of steps forward, pointing at the spot where Anya had stood.
"The hell was that about it? How did you know her?"
Crowley shrugged. "She's a vengeance demon, specializing in scorned women. Works for D'Hoffryn."
"Um," Sam said. "That didn't sound like business, you know."
"Eh, we used to date," Crowley said.
"Date?" Dean repeated.
"Yeah. But she was the jealous type. Actually, I'm pretty sure her reason for breaking up was something along the lines of 'that bitch, Lilith.' Didn't last long. Mostly, it was just sex."
Dean shook his head. "Too much info. I'm out."
He turned around to Bobby, who was shaking his head. Crowley shrugged.
"Women, huh? What are you going to do?" he said.
Bobby shrugged. "Whatever. Though, I have to admit… good call on the wedding thing."
Crowley nodded. "Awkward, right?"
Sam nodded. "Awkward."