Hello. My name is Sarah Williams.

Dear God, what are you supposed to say on these things? "Hi, I'm Sarah, nice to not actually meet you, I'm immortal and desperate for a chat with you ordinary mortals?" Jesus, that sounded bad. Let's try again.

I found this site while I was cruising the internet a few years back. I won't question how you lot all know about my husband and I, it's probably one of those Inexplicable Things About The Universe No One Understands. Such as the existence of magic. And the universe, life, and everything, huh?

Seeing as, for another odd reason, all of your knowledge about myself, my husband- the Goblin King- and our kingdom, seems to end just after my first adventure in the Labyrinth when I foolishly wished away my stepbrother as a teenager, I'll tell you a bit about myself, and my current situation.

I won't go into the details of how the Goblin King and I found each other again, suffice to say, it involved several ridiculous wishes and some shameful memories I'd rather not revisit. And, besides, I quite like reading what you guys think happened between us, though I have to say, sometimes it can be a double-edged blade. Anyway, Jareth and I fell in love, and got married.

Recently we celebrated our one-thousand and third anniversary. We have twelve kids- yes, I know, but I'm being honest, there is nothing to do in the Goblin Kingdom other than raise children. No wonder the goblins are so prolific. They discovered the secret to long-term relationships with immortals way before Jareth and I did.

I suspect you're a bit curious to know what being immortal's actually like. If I remember correctly, most of the books containing people like my sun-and-stars (I know, I know, but after a thousand or so years even I start to pick up the ridiculous pet names) in the Aboveground center around soppy teenage love fiction.

I can sum it all up with one word- dull. Day in, day out, it's just all the same. Everything loses excitement because you've done it all before. My lord husband banned me from the Aboveground the day he made me immortal, I never understood why, but in hindsight I guess I can see the point.

Jareth's argument was very convincing, even though I didn't really understand what he meant. Here it is, his words, not mine.

"The first century or so, it'd be fun. But then everyone starts dying. Everyone you known, dies. The world changes around you until you can't recognise it anymore. You're alone, and you're outcast. You can't get close to anyone because if you do soon enough they'll die.

You'd would go mad. Of that I am almost certain. Imagine, your life stretching before you, an empty, dull void of just existing. Things would cease to matter to you. Eventually you'd bury yourself somewhere, try and kill yourself even though you know there's no way out. You scream and you cry, but there's nothing you can do.

You push on the glass. You can't get in to the world around you. It's scary and it's different and no one understands you. Mortals are so bright and colourful in your world of darkness and despair you start using them, just to cheer you up. They're so alive, you can't help but be drawn to them. And after a while, you get frustrated with one. You want them to love you, because no one else does anymore. Everyone who did is dead. So you ask. But you can't ask anymore, you've forgotten how. You trick and you lie and you manipulate, but it doesn't work. (Does any of this sound familiar? It certainly gave me a turn.)

You get angry. Maybe you kill the mortal. But then the despair comes back, and you've only got your immortal partner, me, who doesn't understand you anymore. I wouldn't see why you're so upset.

Because I was born immortal. I was born with the capability to deal with endless life. But you?

You were born knowing you'd die.

Divisions would appear. Splits. Cracks. And soon you'd hate me, hate me for making you immortal when you could be wandering the afterlife now. And you'd be alone. Alone in the world, with no one who cared about you and the only one who did turning my back to you."

Scary, isn't it? When I first heard my sun-and-stars' oh-so perfect argument I ended up shouting at him why the hell didn't he just let me die instead since I was "born knowing I'd die." He went very pale and quiet and didn't speak to me for three days. I felt a little guilty and went to him, hoping to make it up, I did love him really, it's just, he can be so very...Oh! I don't know. Irritating? Abrasive? Overriding? Proud?

Well, anyway, I went to him, and I found him staring at a dagger, locked alone in his chambers, (we were newlywed then, and I wasn't quite brave enough to publicly move into the same rooms as him, instead I slept in the Queen's Chambers, which are connected to his by means of a nifty passage.) Of course, I immediately jumped to conclusions and told him he was an idiot for even contemplating suicide, towed him outside and promptly shoved him out a window. Oh, happy days.

They were the happiest days of our marriage, those early times. We had such rows! Flaming rows that threatened to demolish the castle several times. Everything seemed heightened back then, every anger, every irritation, every pleasure, every smile. I remember when we went on our honeymoon to some sort of random cabin in the middle of an equally random forest, Jareth and I destroyed nearly half the woods and ended up owing the Queen of the Elves a fortune. Goblins used to run and hide whenever they saw storm clouds threatening on the horizon... (both of us have some influence over the weather)

Don't get me wrong, I love Jareth. I really do, it's just sometimes I wonder what it would be like with someone else. Someone normal. I don't regret marrying him, no, in retrospect, it was probably the best decision I made in my life. But I do miss being able to talk to other people than Jareth.

I can understand a lot of what he did in the Labyrinth, tormenting the runners is all the sport we can really do down here, seeing as we have a distinct lack of preybeasts to hunt, and there are few visitors to our feared kingdom. Hell, I do a lot of it myself, nowadays. Mostly the desperate housewives, they really irritate me. Espeacially the blatant flirting with my husband. He is married, you know!

We had a woman like that a few weeks (or years? I can't remember) back. Aged forty-two, she wished away her beautiful eight year old daughter. Jareth goes to deal with the call while I calmed down the child and asked her name. She was called Melanie. Isn't that a lovely name? I like it. She was an adorable child, and I really wish we could have kept her.

I wish my daughters were as nice as her. But oh no, Jasmine (my third) is obsessed with riding dragons, Jenna (my fifth) has inherited Jareth's hair, my temper, and double helpings of pride, Talulah (my sixth) is feared throughout the Underground with a sword, Lireal, (my eighth) is already happily married, Linyaari (my tenth) is a carbon copy of myself, and my youngest, Vahaya's (he chose the name) first word was die. And this is not talking about my sons. Good grief.

I have six boys, and sometimes it feels like they are copies of Jareth, right down to the odd affinity for tight legwear. My sun-and-stars has not been helpful in dissuading my sons from promptly de-virgin-ising the whole Underground, who's excuse, when asked, is that when Jasmine requires sacrifices for her dragons, there should be no virgins readily available. My firstborn son is called Jareth, after his daddy, (I wasn't, ah, with Jareth when Junior was born...) and seriously, it can be so irritating. I holler up the stairs for my son and the father comes down, grinning like a fool, and then I have to spend the next hour or so trying to work out who is who.

My second, Jérome, takes more after me. He was hopelessly naive about everything- until Jareth Junior noticed that meant he'd eat frogs from the pond and drink mouldy milk and be fooled all the time.

My fourth is called Juhaka, and he too takes after Jareth, although his hair is dark and his eyes are brown. My seventh is Joseph, he joined the army and became a commander, my ninth is Jaeddyn, who is a ladies man and sticks around with Jr and Juhaka most of the time. And finally, my eleventh, Jailen, who has a beautiful head of blond curls, blue eyes you could drown in, and somehow manages to charm the socks off everyone even when in the grips of a flaming temper.

But anyway. I was talking about Melanie and the wisher, wasn't I? Well, Jareth goes to take the call, and comes back laughing fit to burst. Thank God he showed me what happened through a crystal, because crystals I can smash. She was patently flirting with my husband! Like he needs his ego being pampered! I asked Jareth to send her a peach, rather like the one I got during my run, and then appeared to her in the guise of what she could have been. I also, very firmly, told her he is married, he is mine, and for Godssakes woman, do you have any self-respect?

I cannot understand that. I'm being lenient and kindly ignoring those rather odd author notes you put at the tops of your chapters, such as, I don't own the Labyrinth or any of its characters, otherwise Jareth would be all mine! Well, you damn well don't own us! I'm also trying not to think about all the desperate fangirls my poor husband has inspired. Good god, I am never telling you lot how to get to my address.

So yes. I was just saying I understood somethings about my husband after a thousand years of living with the jerk, yes?

Unfortunately, there are some things that even after a thousand years, I still don't understand about him. For one, why must he be so goddamn irritating?

I have, however, discovered that there is a reason for wearing those leggings of his. Most males (I use males as to use the term 'men' would be to imply that they are human, which most of them are certainly not) do, and it is considered the fashion. The Underground is slower to accept things than Aboveground. At least, that's what my sun-and-stars tells me, anyway.

I simply cannot comprehend his affinity for dressing me up in big poufy dresses. I try not to think about it most of the time and simply choose my own outfits, if I actually want to be able to walk. It's slightly worrying- most males (again with the inhuman thing) prefer seeing females in slimline, or hardly anything, right? Like some of those skimpy little shorts you oddballs in the Aboveground have taken to wearing. (Sometimes I get sent clothes catalogues. I don't know why. They're always redirected from my old house.) But Jareth seems to find me irresistible if I dress up in seven-hundred and ninety layers with a skirt that could drown a dozen dancers. That sort of thing doesn't really help a girl's esteem.

But then, my lord husband isn't exactly what anyone would call normal. My perceptions have been shifted by living Underground, but I can still guess that my Jareth isn't exactly the sort of guy you meet everyday in Aboveground. Or maybe Aboveground has discovered a passion for long-haired singing males that throw glitter around? I don't know. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't.

Ach! I hated the glitter. He used to infuriate me, a poof of glitter here, a puff there, and always in my damn hair! Do you know how long it takes to wash glitter out of hair like mine? It takes me about three to five washes, and even then I'm certain I see it sparkle every now and then. It's so irritating. But sometimes, his alarming penchant for throwing glitter can be very sweet, too. When he gets really angry, he shoots little starbursts that never fail to make me giggle, which spoils the rant because he laughs too.

Other times, he glows. Yes, he actually glows. When he's really excited or happy about something, he glows like a little lantern. He hates it when that happens, but I think, personally, it's cute.

My sun-and-stars is a very aggressive person sometimes. Because he's so powerful, when he loses control things can get deadly. I wonder what it would be like knowing the worst your beloved hubby can do is storm out for a little while. Imagine living with a guy that if you piss him off enough, laughs while slowly dissecting someone. From a professional view, he's very good; he can keep prisoners alive for years, although if he's angry enough for him to personally torture you, you probably won't live past day one.

I only ever saw him that angry once. One of his cousins, Lucien, wanted to take me for his own to spite my sun-and-stars. He cast a spell on me- me being the hapless mortal I was back then, I had no clue- and enchanted me back to his castle. I broke the illusion just seconds before I was lost to my Jareth forever, and my lord husband was so furious he locked Lucien in an oubliette and tortured him straight for twenty two years, ending by dropping him in a pit of molten tar.

Yes, he's such a pacifist.

Despite that, he can be very considerate at times- when he's not being a complete asshole for no other apparent reason then I'm his queen and therefore has to put up with him, or furious with me for no reason, or just genuinely bad-tempered. One of my fondest memories- besides, oddly, the peach ballroom- was before I Turned, sitting on a windowsill that overlooked the Labyrinth. I remember it well- the sun was shining with warm yellow afternoon light, and the air was sleepy and insects chirruped beneath us. Jareth was with me, of course, sprawled across the sill in his usual messy fashion, with my head resting on his stomach and him stroking my hair and singing to me.

I worry often that my sun-and-stars has multiple personality disorder. He can certainly be very mercurial.
But that's enough about me, and my husband. You may be wondering why in the Three Worlds I'm writing this. Well, so am I. I've not tried to do a diary before, it never really works out. And I'm not usually in the habit of professing my deepest troubles, fears, hopes and dreams to random people I don't know, either.

I guess I'm sort of lonely. There's no one to talk to in the Goblin City. Well, that's a lie, there are plenty of servants and goblins and people, but because I'm the queen, they're always very courteous and agree constantly with what I'm saying.

Ludo, bless him, gets agitated if he thinks I'm upset, which can happen at the slightest moment, and Hoggle thinks I'm barmy for marrying Jareth. And he's so smug whenever I want to come to him with a good old complain I've given up. Sir Didymus is so hopelessly loyal to both me and Jareth it practically kills him to hear a bad word against either of us, let alone from us ourselves.

I'd love a girlfriend right now. Someone to chatter on incessantly at me irrespective of my title and so on, who I can whinge at and be very smug when my children behave better than hers, and just someone other than Jareth to talk to. Most of the people in the Goblin City are hardly good conversationalists, and even the best-matched couple need some thinking space every now and then, which is next to impossible when your husband possesses the ability to spy on you whenever he feels like it, or randomly pop in to see you at the oddest times.

And he gets so hopelessly worried whenever I suggest some time off, perhaps a holiday, just to think about things, leave the worries and cares behind and go adventuring. He gets this tight, pinched look and sets oh-so unobtrusive secret guards outside our quarters with orders to follow me just to make sure. And as much as I am bored with forever at the moment, I wouldn't want to cheat on him, or him to get upset over nothing, so I end up gritting my teeth and getting on with it.

But sometimes I get so frustrated I could howl. What about you guys? Talk to me, people. Come on, you're mortals from another world! You must be curious about stuff in the Underground.

Her Majesty, Sarah Mary Anne Sylfaen, Queen of the Goblins, Champion of the Labyrinth and Wed of His Majesty, Jareth Oberon Gaelin Sylfaen, King of the Goblins

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