MY KID'S AN ALIEN!-The Final Chapter

Based on the popular characters by Rumiko Takahashi and the popular novel by Ray Bradbury. Okay, so it's not based on anything by Bradbury. It just makes me seem sophisticated.

Ataru was about to ask if that was his mom when he came to again, but suddenly remembered that what had happened was as real as could possibly be. He opened his eyes to find himself standing in place. In front of him some humanlike forms were milling around. When his eyes focused more, he noticed they were actually aliens! But not Onis, rather those aliens everyone called the "Grays", the ones that people claimed always abducted them. Lum had once told him that the Grays came from Orion's Belt and were some of the most dangerous creatures in the universe. They were very weak physically, but possessed the power to control minds and literally use other beings as puppets to carry out their schemes. Apparently they had tried several times to conquer Earth, but fortunately for Earthlings, all of Earth's leaders knew about them and managed to keep them at bay with their military superiority. But now they seemed to have captured him and placed his friends and parents under their control.

Ataru glanced around at his surroundings. They seemed to be in what looked like an airplane hangar, with vintage jeeps and aircraft off to the sides. But closer to them was the Grays' ship, a flying saucer! And over there, next to those other Grays, was. "Darling! Get us out of this!" Sure enough, there in a force-field cage formed by blue "bars", were Lum, Ran, Benten, Oyuki, and Lum's parents. Lum was huge now, barely contained by even her skimpy bikini. That was Ataru's baby in there. Overjoyed to see her, he tried to run over there. But to his shock, he couldn't move.

"Rrrrgh!" he groaned. "Oh Lum-chan, I can't move!"

"Oh no," she sobbed, starting to cry. "They put you in a force field too! Those.those.bastards!"

Ataru screamed a little when one of the grays strode up to him, staring him down with those unsettling, insect-like eyes. "So, I have heard that Oni is your wife."

"You just wait till I get out of this, Space Ant!" Ataru yelled, trying hard to move. "What do you want her and those other aliens for, anyway?"

"Simple, really," answered the Gray officer in front of him. "We need fuel for our spaceships in our quest to conquer the universe. When news spread that you, an Earthling, had impregnated an Oni, we couldn't believe our luck. The yolk of Oni eggs makes an excellent fuel source. Plus, Oni flesh is quite tasty." After he said this, he peeled back his lips (or at least where his lips should have been), and revealed a mouthful of sinister, needle-like teeth, which he licked with a lavender tongue.

Ataru exploded. "You little gray bastard! I'll tear you apart! No one eats my wife if I can do anything about it!"

"But I don't think there is much you can do about it," continued the Gray officer. He squinted his eyes slightly and suddenly a powerful electric current coursed through Ataru's body. It must have had at least three times the voltage of Lum's normal shocks. As he stood there, unable to move, feeling like a microwaved TV dinner, the sinister Gray continued his story. "So we hypnotized some American government agents, and sent them to kidnap the pregnant Oni girl and her friends and family. This would inevitably lead to a war between your pathetic planet and the far- superior militaries of Planets Uru, Fukinokami, and Neptune, and would ultimately spell the end of the human race, leaving Earth ripe for our colonization. But then when the Urusian ship you were on was sucked into a wormhole that sent you back in time to the Christian year 1947, we thought of an even better idea. We would hypnotize the American government into giving us the formula for the atomic bomb, at a time when the technology was brand new and only available to the Americans. Then we would use it to not only wipe out human civilization, but also those of the known universe. They may have more sophisticated technology and better organized militaries, but so far, the atomic bomb is one of the most destructive weapons in the entire universe. And now that it is in our power, there is nothing you can do to stop us."

"Dang it," he muttered, "where's Ten-chan when you need him.again? I mean, even if he was becoming the Jiminy Cricket to my Pinocchio, he was still right, and he saved my ass last time!"

"Sorry, Ataru-chan," Ten answered, fluttering up to him. "But we can't let you do that." To Ataru's horror, the Oni toddler also had that unsettling blank look in his eyes too.

"Aghhh!" he groaned. "Not you too! Now what am I supposed to do?"

"There's no need to be afraid," the Gray officer calmly told him. "All we need for you to do for us now is to take this laser knife and cut open your wife, so we can have her egg. And as for the rest, they shall spend the rest of their lives as slaves in our plutonium mines in the Crab Nebula. I'll start by turning off your force field."

"The second you do," Ataru growled, as the alien held up a silvery gun, "I'm gonna perform an alien autopsy on you, without knives or anesthetic."

"Well, I don't think you will," the little gray person answered. "I don't think you will." He(she?) fixed its eyes on Ataru. Those deep, dark pools of blackness, holes from which nothing could escape, like black holes, black, deep, dark.

The world seemed to grow dull and time itself seemed to slow down. The alien's mighty power was drawing him closer, ever closer, commanding him to kill Lum. "Darling." The voice sounded familiar, unknown yet welcoming, like water on the lips of a man crawling across the desert. Ataru glanced away from the blackness to focus on a green glow slightly above his eye level. There, in the midst of it, was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She had a perfect figure, clad only in a skimpy tiger-striped bikini, long hair, and childlike blue eyes. But something about her was different from all the others; her hair was green, and small, stubby horns poked out of the top of her head. She was gently floating above his eye level, like a leaf in a breeze. She seemed so strange and exotic, and yet also somehow familiar to Ataru. "Darling, I love you with all my heart. Please, please don't hurt me or our child."

Somehow her words spoke to him more strongly than the eyes that were trying to become his mind. Like they were trying to reawaken something in him that he had forgot. Like he had to do something else.

"Please, Darling?" pleaded the otherworldly girl, with a plaintive tone that nearly made Ataru drop to his knees and start to cry. As he approached her, with the evil-looking laser knife beam in his arms aimed at her, she sniffed and tears ran from her eyes like a faucet. "These people are evil, Darling! Don't listen to them! Their next move will be to use you and your friends and family to destroy your planet!"

But I must, he thought. But I don't really want to, do I ?, he thought.

"Yes," answered a cold yet calm voice. "Yes you must. To perform our demands is bliss."

"No, Darling!" sobbed the girl. "Please listen to me! Use your mental energy to break this spell!"

Mental energy, he thought. I never had much mental energy. My average is a D+. How should I stop them?

"There is no way," answered the other voice. "Let us be your guides and do our bidding."

"Please, Darling?" cooed the floating, bikini-clad girl, who bobbed down to Ataru and kissed him passionately. Ataru could feel himself shifting into high gear as she started peeling away her skimpy clothing, rubbing herself against him, burying her tongue in his mouth, grabbing and squeezing with her arms everywhere.

"Lum-chan," he gasped. It was all coming back to him now. "Oh Lum- chan, how I love you! I could never let anything bad happen to you!" The blackness vanished from Ataru's field of vision, and soon things fell back into focus. He was now standing before the force field cage, with the laser knife still held in position. Lum, plump and rosy with the baby, cowered in the corner with a pinched face and red, tear-stained cheeks. She braced herself for the pain when her Darling swung the knife forward.and slashed the wires powering the force field generator! Sure enough, the blue beams vanished.

"Yeah!" howled Benten. "Gonna use us for slave labor and eat my friend; I don't think so! Eat my boots!" And she rushed toward the Grays.

The Gray commanders quickly grabbed their energy blasters, but Ataru knocked some out of their hands (along with their heads and arms), while Benten and Lum's parents took care of the rest.

"Guys!" Ataru announced to his friends, parents, and some American soldiers standing hypnotized nearby. "Think about something you really, really like! I tried thinking about Lum naked! Okay, it doesn't have to be that specific or explicit, but you can picture anything you truly love!"

So Ataru's dad pictured himself making out naked with his wife on a tropical beach. Ataru's mom pictured herself making out naked with Rei on the same beach. Mendo pictured himself making out naked with Lum, Sakura, and Asuka on the same beach. Shinobu pictured herself making out naked with Inaba. Sakura pictured herself making out naked with Tsubame. Ten pictured making out naked with.well, just about every girl in Tomobiki (even Ataru's mom was there), except of course for Mako. And Cherry pictured himself eating a full-course luau banquet on the beach, naked. Not that he had some sick food fetish, but he was actually a nudist at heart. He also wanted to try and get rid of his tan line. If you just pictured what Cherry's tan line looks like, you win this year's "Sick Little Monkey of the Year" award.

"Charrrrrrrge, men!" bellowed Sakura, once she had been jolted out of her trance. The Tomobiki Eight rushed toward the aliens, along with Lum's parents and friends, and a couple hundred formerly mesmerized American soldiers. The aliens tried their mind-control powers on them, but now that they all had their minds set on a clear task, they could mow down the fragile Grays like corn.

In the end, all the crew suffered were some injuries, burns, and contusions. Ataru stood back and gazed at the crumpled, torn bodies of the Grays. "Damn," he gaped, "I sleep with Lum just once and the next thing I know, I'm back in time in 1947 killing aliens in New Mexico. Maybe they were right about how a butterfly that flaps its wings in Brazil causes a typhoon in Japan."

"Well, either way," Shinobu added, "your hentai sense saved us all. Who'd have thought your libido would one day be our salvation, especially after all the trouble it's gotten us into over the years?"

"Darling-oop! I think I'm due to lay the egg soon," Lum gasped. Sure enough, she was having trouble breathing, and couldn't keep her legs together.

"As school nurse, I'll help deliver this.egg," Sakura offered. She went up to the laboring alien as the others eagerly gathered around. Lum's mom said something in the chirpy Oni language which translated to, "Oh! I'm going to be a grandmother soon!" (Actually, our translators have no idea what it actually meant, but we can assume it was along those lines.)

As Sakura offered breathing exercises and Ataru bit his lip awaiting the news, he heard the engine of a Jeep entering the hangar. Closely escorted by dark-suited Secret Service agents, was an important-looking figure with specs and a cliff-like jaw. "All stand at attention for Harry Truman, President of the United States!"

The President grimaced slightly at the mutilated alien bodies, leaking lavender blood. "So, what exactly is going on here?" he asked.

"It's.uh, quite an interesting story here, Mr. President," answered the general in charge of Roswell Army Air Field. "Some evil aliens landed here with apparent intent to conquer Earth. They had also kidnapped some other, peaceful aliens, and one of those is about to give birth."

"Actually, just lay an egg," corrected Mr. Invader. "The baby won't hatch for another nine months."

"Right. Anyway, the evil ones were defeated by our troops here and these fine young Japanese people, who claim to be from the year 2002."

The President briefly rolled his eyes. "Right," he said. "I'm.not gonna ask any more questions, but I am gonna want to have these extraterrestrial bodies and spacecraft kept here for scientific research. And I'd also like this hangar, number 18, kept off limits from now on."

"Yeah, yeah," exclaimed Mendo in English. "Come witness the miracle of creation!"

About fifteen minutes later.

"Ewww!" groaned Shinobu.

"Yecch," answered Ataru.

"Barfff!" went Mendo.

"AAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" bellowed Lum. Everyone standing in the room, even the famously rugged President Truman, were knocked over like bowling pins.

About two thousand miles away, in a tiny Minnesota town called Frostbite Falls, a small flying squirrel and a large, stupid moose were sitting together outside a shack. "You hear something, Rocky?" asked the moose.

"Yeah, sounds like the whistle at the lumber mill again," answered the squirrel.

Meanwhile, back in Roswell, Lum sat panting in front of a large, wet egg with a shell colored lavender and dotted with pink speckles, about the size of Ten. Although most of the crew had nearly lost their lunches watching the spectacle, and Mendo had, they erupted in cheers for Lum. Ataru joyously ran over and hugged her. "Oh Darling," she sighed, "thank you. I can't wait for the baby to hatch."

President Truman offered thanks, and the U.S. Army bade them farewell as the group piled into the Gray's old flying saucer, and flew back through the wormhole to their time. Their first stop was Washington, D.C., where Lum's parents, etc. helped straighten out the mess between the planets. The U.S. government hid the saucer at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio, where most of the wreckage from the Roswell crash had been stored. After a memorial service for the Oni soldiers who had been killed in the Roswell crash, the President flew them home to Japan on Air Force One, while helping straighten things out with the Japanese government. Once home, Ataru's parents helped set up a "nest" of old sheets and clothes where Lum could sit on her egg. Oni mothers have to do so for the entire nine-month duration not only to keep it warm, but also to establish an early bond between mother and child. It helps develop telepathic powers. It was a rather dull nine months without Lum to liven things up in Tomobiki, but of course the wait would be well worth it.

The big day came on a brisk, windy day in mid-October. The Moroboshi house was crammed with journalists, but Lum didn't mind. She had always wanted to be a mother, and her dream would soon finally come true. She had no problem with cameras constantly flashing in front of her face, with her "Darling" in her arms, putting on a typically goofy grin.

"Oh, Ataru-kun!" said Shinobu, sobbing with happiness. "Good luck with your baby! I'm sorry about how I yelled at you when you first got Lum pregnant! I think you'll make a great dad!"

"Heh, heh," laughed Ataru's dad, leafing through some yen bills. "Go ahead and have as many kids as you want. If it means all these royalties, go get 'em!"

"Hey, how about it, hon?" Ataru asked his wife, a hungry grin on his face.

"Not tonight, Darling. I'll probably be having to nurse the baby and change its diaper. Maybe this weekend." She pulled him in again and smooched him some more, to the delight of all the photographers. "Oh! I can see the first cracks!"

Everyone gathered closer. Sure enough, the baby was starting to punch cracks in the shell.

"Awright! Lummy's a mommy!" shouted Benten. "Attababy! Show that shell no mercy!"

"Yay! A new cousin!" cheered Ten.

"Agghh! We're grandparents!" screamed Ataru's parents.

"Hooray," added Oyuki simply in her standard monotone.

The first piece gave way.Then the shell split in two, and folded open like a book. Out floated a tiny Oni girl! She had her mom's demure face and wide eyes, and her dad's black hair, but hers was long and straight, also like her mom's.

The baby yawned and stretched in front of the many flashbulbs. Ran quickly dashed forward, dried her off, and dressed her in a small tiger- striped dress similar to the one Lum had worn as a girl. "Mommy!" cried the little one, fluttering toward her mother.

"Darling, I've done all the work so far," Lum told her husband, beaming at their brand-new daughter. "Why don't you name her?"

"Okay." Ataru thought for a bit. "How 'bout Rumiko, after my favorite manga artist."

"You mean the beloved creator of 'Ranma ½', the Mermaid Saga, and 'Inu-yasha'?" asked Mendo.

"But you forgot one," added Shinobu. " 'Maison Ikkoku'! I love that series; it's so romantic!"

"I love that choice!" Lum cooed. She handed the baby to Ataru's waiting arms. "Hello, honey. Your name is Rumiko-chan, or Ruko for short. This is your daddy."

"Hi," greeted Ruko, waving at her father. Ataru was struck once again by how intelligent Oni babies are by Earthling standards, but since they do hatch from eggs, that means their heads and brains don't have to be undersized at birth to squeeze out the birth canal.

Then she glanced over a bit and noticed Mendo.

The cameras followed Ruko as she clumsily fluttered toward him and embraced his arm near the shoulder. "Hiya, stud! What's your name?"

Everyone in the room bent over laughing as Mendo frightenedly tried to shake off the amorous alien baby. "That's Shutaro Mendo, the richest boy on the planet!" giggled Shinobu. "Good luck with him; he's quite the player!"

"Well, hey, Darling," drawled Ruko, "are you single?"

"Well, uhh, sorta." answered Mendo. "Gahhhh, you Onis freak me out! Go play with your parents!" And he grabbed Ruko by her tiny horns and dragged her back to the waiting Ataru and Lum. They, Shinobu, Sakura, Cherry, and Ataru's parents gasped with surprise.

"Mendo!" began Lum. "Y-you just grabbed Ruko's horns! Do you know what that means?"


Ataru exploded with laughter. "It means you have to marry her, just like what happened with me and Lum! Congratulations, buddy!"

"Darling!" cried Ruko, planting kisses all over Mendo's face. "Yes I will marry you! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life! Of course, we'll have to wait till I'm 16; then we can get married in the American state of Louisiana, but until then, I'm moving in with you, t'cha!" By now everyone in the room, even the journalists, were laughing so hard most of them were wetting their pants. Mendo, meanwhile, rolled his eyes into the back of his head and collapsed to the ground.

The End

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