Title: So You're Expecting
Universe: Bleach
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: KenpachixByakuya
Spoilers/Warnings: UH MPREG.
Word Count: 2,555
Summary: Kenpachi has no idea what to expect.
Dedication: juin- because it's only fair. (Except not fair, because you're better at this than me.) God how did you write mpreg and make me like it. HOW DO YOU HAVE THIS POWER.
A/N: I don't even know. How do I explain this except that juin wrote me awesome KenBya mpreg and I had to try and respond. My response stole her plot and is not as awesome as her story though. You should all go read hers at archiveofourown works / 497372 (except without spaces).
Disclaimer: No harm or infringement intended.

Kenpachi is lying on the back porch of the eleventh division headquarters trying to nap when Abarai bursts through the doors in a flustered rush, flanked by a confused Ikkaku and a suspicious Yumichika. In the background, Yachiru puts a new group of academy graduates lucky enough to join the eleventh through their very first set of drills. The current one being called out in the yard is one Yachiru likes to call 'Olly-Olly-Oxen-Free' and is accompanied by enough screams of terror and cries for mommy that Kenpachi figures the weak ones will go crying to the thirteenth division for transfer in about two hours. Which will save him the trouble of having to throw them over the fence for Ukitake to find tomorrow.

In the meantime, Abarai squirms in front of him uncertainly and is very clearly anxious about something. Kenpachi usually doesn't care because it's Abarai, but he eventually finds himself frowning anyway, when he suddenly remembers the last time the red-headed bastard showed up at his doorstep looking all put out like this.

"It's not our goddamned anniversary and I sure as hell didn't forget his birthday this year," Zaraki says in a low pitched growl, "so whatever's got the princess in a bad mood today ain't my fault. He was fine this morning."

Renji makes a face. "I er, no, I'm not here to ask you to fix the captain," he says, and wrings his hands some more. "I just…" he reaches into his sleeve and pulls out a note sent to him by messenger earlier in the afternoon. The look on his face as he does it is absolutely mournful. "I woulda brought it over earlier, but I wasn't sure if captain would like that, but then I thought what if, and…"

Yumichika must read the growing impatience in Zaraki's aura when he primly snatches the note from Abarai's hand and reads it. His eyebrows dart up, the ridiculous frilly ones reaching above his ridiculous frilly hairline. That, Zaraki admits, is kind of worrisome. "The hell is going on?" he demands, and sits up a little.

Yumichika moves to hand him the note, but before he can read it, Renji finally blurts, "I think my captain is dying!"

Zaraki arrives back at Kuchiki manor fifteen minutes later, where the head housekeeper is already waiting for him by the door with a worried frown on her ancient, wrinkled face. "The young master asked that…"

"Yeah, yeah," Zaraki mutters, and breezes past her in two strides as he heads towards the bedroom. He can feel the rest of the staff lingering in the hallways around him anxiously, and while Zaraki likes to think they get along a lot better with him now than they did when he'd first moved in here (they finally stopped calling him 'master' or 'sir') it doesn't mean he won't kill them in their faces if they keep looking at him like he's marching his ass towards a goddamn funeral pyre.

He finds Byakuya asleep in their room. And alive. There's a mess of shredded paper on the floor next to the princess's side of the bed which is uncharacteristic, but not necessarily proof that the guy is dying. It's not necessarily proof that he's not either, though. Kenpachi perches on his side of the bed and leans over Kuchiki, looking for any obvious signs of injury or sickness. He doesn't see any, but just to be sure, he pokes at the guy a little bit to see. But that only gets him a few sleepy snuffles in response, which is, again, a little uncharacteristic, but proof of absolutely nothing. Eventually, he sighs and tugs on Byakuya's hair instead.

The action is rewarded with Kuchiki's eyes opening blearily, accompanied by a little sound of indignation as he finally regains consciousness.

"Are you dying?" Kenpachi asks without preamble, because it's best to get that kind of stuff out of the way early in a conversation.

Byakuya's eyes narrow marginally. "No," he answers, and while Kenpachi doesn't exactly breathe a sigh of relief when he hears that, he thinks that maybe some of the terrifying tension in his muscles that kept the servants far the fuck away from him on his way here drains out of his shoulders.

Then Byakuya takes that small moment of respite and uses it to sucker punch Zaraki in the face.

The next day, Kenpachi sort of stumbles into his office and plops down into a chair. He stares at the stupid gay flowers Yumichika puts on his desk every morning like he can kill them with his mind.

When they begin to wilt under the concentrated power of his reiatsu he remembers that he can, actually. It gives him a sudden burst of perverse glee, and it is while he is grinning at a bunch of wilting sunflowers that his third and fifth seats enter the room, see him, feel him, and then promptly freeze.

"Er," Ikkaku chokes, under the heavy weight of the reiatsu in the room, "Everything okay there, captain?" he asks. Zaraki can see the nervous sweat beading on his forehead.

Yumichika isn't sweating, but probably only because it isn't beautiful or some shit like that. Instead, the fifth seat coughs delicately before grabbing Ikkaku and saying, plainly, "I don't think our dear captain got any this morning." Then he twitters a little and turns and pushes Madarame from the room. The door shuts behind them with a resounding clang, and all Kenpachi can think is that Yumichika is fucking right. Not only that, but apparently he's also not getting any for a long ass time.

His eyes widen in horror when he realizes he doesn't know exactly how long this long ass time is going to be.

Unohana's face is kindly impassive as Kenpachi stands in the middle of the fourth division waiting room frowning down at a handful of her stupidly cheerful little pamphlets. 'So You're Expecting!' one announces in big cartoony script, while the other boasts, 'Preparing for Your New Baby!' The last reads 'Fatherhood and You!' and involves an image of a middle aged man on a see-saw with a girl in a flowery dress and pigtails. All the goddamned exclamation points make Kenpachi inexplicably angry.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" he demands after a moment, while Unohana calmly ushers him towards the door because apparently she's got real work to do. Wounds to suture with kido, limbs to sew back on, internal organs to make internal again, or something like that. "I know that already!"

"Nine months," she repeats for his benefit, expression and tone not changing even though she somehow manages to turn her menace up to twelve anyway. "That is the duration of a normal pregnancy, which is the only actual information I can give you regarding a timeframe in your current situation. I can't diagnose with any certainty how long it will be until Captain Kuchiki will want to have intercourse with you again, if at all."

Before he can say another word, Kenpachi suddenly finds himself at the front gate of the fourth division, watching it shut in his face. He stares down at the pamphlets and imagines never having sex again.

He wonders if this is what hell feels like.

Zaraki has never been a praying man, but he does take a moment to thank God the morning Kuchiki decides they should fuck again.

In fact, he discovers that being pregnant makes Byakuya incredibly horny, which means that Byakuya is now at least as horny as he is on a normal basis. They spend the entire day in bed catching up on the past few weeks where Byakuya didn't want anything to do with Zaraki's dick.

After round three or four, Kenpachi makes a passing comment about liking where this is taking them, murmuring something thoughtless and unintentionally filthy into Byakuya's ear about how he's thinking of keeping him pregnant all the time if it leads to moments like these, if it means he gets a lapful of round, horny princess begging for it around the clock. Something about the words must work for Byakuya too, because the minute he's done speaking, Zaraki suddenly feels the hard press of Kuchiki's body up against his again, Kuchiki's breath coming in hot puffs against his collarbone as he demands less talking and more action.

Zaraki Kenpachi has never been anything if not a man of action.

The ultrasound is just a squiggly black and white picture of something that looks like a jellyfish with fingers. He's not sure what the big deal about it all is, but Byakuya demanded he be here today, and so here he is. Vaguely, he realizes that what he's looking at is his goddamned kid.

Zaraki just kind of stares at the image for a while as Unohana's voice begins fading into the background, basically becoming inaudible to him right after she'd uttered the words, "Congratulations, it's a boy."

Then, when he can't stand it anymore, Zaraki turns and wordlessly exits the room, leaving Kuchiki and Unohana to talk about nutrition and exercise and a bunch of other stuff that Zaraki can't focus on because he's too busy being slammed with the realization that he doesn't have any idea what to call his goddamned kid.

Byakuya finds him ten minutes later in the waiting room outside of the examination room, slouched over a chair and staring blankly at a wall.

Byakuya looks the same as always, except that he's holding a bottle of something that Zaraki dimly hears him call prenatal vitamins. There's a kind of stiffness in his demeanor that means he's also mad at Kenpachi and that he's not going to say anything about it until Kenpachi goes crazy from being frozen out and they have a confrontation. Usually this leads to lots of property damage at Kuchiki manor and then hours and hours of hot makeup sex. Zaraki's animal instincts tell him that might not be the case this time.

After a moment, Byakuya wordlessly turns to leave and Zaraki automatically gets up to follow him. He only notices the tiny black and white photograph of their jellyfish in Byakuya's other hand when they're already halfway home.

It's a boy. They're having a boy.

Kenpachi doesn't have any important names left to give this kid, and that's a huge problem. The only two names that matter to him already belong to people who matter, plus he's pretty sure it will be confusing as hell to add another Yachiru or another Byakuya into the mix.

They get back to Kuchiki manor after the ultrasound and Byakuya states that he's going for a walk. He leaves the photograph and the vitamins on the nightstand beside the bed and strolls out without a word.

Kenpachi stares at the photograph for a little bit before heading back to the office.

He makes a list instead of doing the paperwork because Yumichika is there for the goddamn paperwork. He's determined to find a good name, because of what they mean and how important they are to him, except that it's fucking hard since all the good ones are taken already.

It isn't until Yachiru comes pounding into the room looking put out that Zaraki realizes it's late as hell and that he missed dinner at home. "Ken-chan," she chastises, "we had udon tonight and Byakushi ate his with wasabi and chocolate and it was weird. You missed it!" Then she cranes her neck to look down at what he's working on. She gasps. "Are you workin'?" she demands, like he's committed some sort of cardinal sin.

He groans and rolls up his failed list before hoisting her onto his shoulder in a practiced motion. "No, I ain't working," he promises her. "Think the princess really ate all the chocolate?"

Yachiru pouts. "Yup, he ate all of it. I saw!"

Kenpachi groans again, because that probably means Kuchiki is still mad.

When Kenpachi gets back that night, Byakuya is still awake, sitting in bed working on more reports. He doesn't say anything either way when Kenpachi walks in, but the air is absolutely frigid all the same. After a minute, because this fucking tactic is fucking cowardly and also super effective, Kenpachi sighs, sits down and mutters, "I don't got a good name for this kid and I don't know what the fuck to do. Our kid deserves a good name, right?"

Byakuya blinks like he hadn't expected those words at all out of all the possible words he'd clearly been expecting to come out of Zaraki's mouth regarding the ultrasound and the picture of their kid that looks like a jellyfish. Kenpachi has no idea what Byakuya had been expecting, to be perfectly honest.

After what feels like a long time of Zaraki just sitting there like a moron, Byakuya's lips turn up slightly at the corners and he arches an eyebrow at Kenpachi in this completely unimpressed sort of way. "We're naming him after my father," he says simply, like that's that, and flips to the next page of his expenditure report. The air in the room suddenly feels a lot warmer.

Admittedly, Kenpachi doesn't know Byakuya's dad's name (the goddamn Kuchiki clan has too many goddamn people in it), but he knows that it's an important one because Byakuya really liked his dad. Zaraki might not have that many important people and even fewer important names to give left, but it's a relief to know Byakuya can compensate for it. Their kid will probably make out all right that way.

Eventually, Zaraki grins and pulls Byakuya's papers from his fingers. "Your dad, huh?" he agrees. "That sounds like it'll be a good one."

Byakuya relaxes against the pillows, and peace thus restored, Kenpachi reaches around him to snuff out the candle on his nightstand.

"You don't even know what my father's name is is, do you?" Byakuya asks after a moment in the dark, with his head tucked under Zaraki's chin and Zaraki's arm curled loosely over his waist.

"Nope," Kenpachi answers, and pulls the covers up over them both.

When Soujun pops out of Kuchiki one unexpected day in early spring, Zaraki is proud to say the kid doesn't come into the world crying and screaming like, well, a baby. Instead he's out and curious and sucking on his fist before even a single unmanly tear is shed. After that, everyone talks about how cute and how calm he is, about how much he resembles Byakuya in both looks and demeanor. But even though the little guy favors the princess by miles, the fact that the kid doesn't even blink the first time he reaches up and pulls off the mysterious patch over his dad's eye is proof enough that he's unquestionably half Zaraki's as well.

The rest of the house shakes on its foundations at the sudden onslaught of deadly energy while Soujun simply squeals in delight and clutches the reiatsu sucking monster in his tiny fist like a toy. His dad laughs right alongside him, at least until Kuchiki storms into the nursery and tells them to stop paralyzing the servants.

Kenpachi puts the patch back on and is pretty sure their kid is going to grow up to be a badass.