Easy to love
Abigail had heard everyone extolling Sammy's virtues. He was nice and funny. He was rainbows and unicorns. It wasn't polite to speak ill of the dead, so it was what people always said during times like these. If she hadn't known Sammy, she would have assumed that it was all bullshit. That everyone had been rewriting history to make him the greatest person to ever have lived.
As it was... she knew that Sammy had been every bit as wonderful as everyone said. Yes, he had been a terrible dancer and a terrible boyfriend, but other than that he had been pretty amazing. Everyone who claimed to love him had really loved him. How could they not? He made it so easy. Even Abigail, the girl who prided herself on having a heart like a fortress, had fallen for him.
Because he was everything that she was not. He was kind and loyal. Sensitive. He was likable. Instead of pushing people away like she did, he pulled people in. It was hard to resist the attraction. The best thing to do was to give in. She had. Twice. Both times he had left her.
At least this time, it hadn't been his decision. What a horrible thing to think! Yet, she couldn't apologise for the thought. It was simply honest. It was one thing she was good at. It was funny how that worked, because she was rather good at lying too. Both sides of the coin were part of her. Abigail could be brutally honest, to others and to herself. So, she allowed herself the thought. It was so selfish: it suited her perfectly.
It was comforting to think about how this time Sammy hadn't voluntarily left her, because it obscured the fact that he was gone. Soon - instead of being able to treat this like merely another rejection – she would have to accept that this had been the last time. That, from this moment on, the world would be Sammy-less. How ridiculous was that?
She vastly preferred the first time he had left her. Then she'd had the anger to keep her company. Feeling mad was so much better than feeling sad.
Rage was a struggle; a fight. She could fight. Grief, on the other hand, was a lot like falling. There was nothing you could do. It just happened and kept happening. You were not an active participant. She didn't have the feeling: the feeling had her. Abigail didn't like it.
Her goal was to feel nothing. It was useless to still love Sammy. It was a waste of time to walk around and to have his absence twist her insides. It made no sense. With any other person, Abigail was sure that she would have gotten rid of the feeling by now. Not Sammy, though. She couldn't cry him away.
Dancing didn't even help. She'd focus on the technical challenge the steps represented, the difficulty of arching her neck to streamline her body and her mind would be a blank. That much she could accomplish. Her heart was a different matter. Every beat was a reminder that Sammy was dead.
Too bad that the girl who guarded her heart like a fortress hadn't been able to keep him out. Many boys and girls, potential boyfriends, friends, had drowned in the moat trying to get in. Very few had made their way to the door and those who had managed had knocked in vain. Abigail didn't answer. Until Sammy came along. With him, she didn't have to open the door. He must have had the key, because one day he was just there. As if he belonged right there, in her heart.
She wasn't unique in this respect. Tara, Kat, Christian: Sammy had marched into all their lives and settled in to stay. Except, now he was gone. She should move on, but she couldn't.
It was stupid. She tried so hard. She pretended that she didn't care. This time nothing worked. Not once did the feeling fade the slightest bit. It hurt. It ached.
Sammy was dead.
And the girl who guarded her heart like a fortress couldn't stop loving him.