Summary: Sometimes, Pete just doesn't know how he feels about Myka. Sort of onesided Pete/Myka, but could be classified as just Pete's emotional confusion. Mentions of No Pain, No Gain and of the HG/Myka official-unofficial relationship.
A/N: So, uh, I'm not entirely sure what kind of shipper I am for this fandom. I've never been one to go against canon and tend to think HG and Myka are pretty sweet together. That being said, it seems like the show does enough of a ship-tease that I can believe without too much difficulty that Pete might be just a little in love with Myka (or at least a little confused about what she means to him at times). I don't think I would want to mess up their bond/friendship, but I bet that type of intimacy gets confusing even for the most platonic relationships. And so I wrote this.
Pete doesn't think about it, most days, but this latest case has put the issue at the front of his mind. Because he wished Myka - Mykes! - pregnant, and wished for the baby to be his, and the very idea that his subconscious desired it even for a second has highlighted everything he and Myka are and everything they're not.
Because honestly, most of the time, when he says he doesn't think about Myka that way, he means it. She's like his sister, like family, and that's usually the truth of it. They know each other well, trust each other, and save each other's lives a thousand times over. He loves her for it. Like a sister.
But the fact is, she isn't his sister. There is no blood relation to make it squicky and gross, and there's a reason there's a cliché for partners falling in love - it happens. It happened to Jack and Rebecca, hell, it even happened to Myka and Sam. There is an intimacy in partnership that is just impossible to describe in words. She's his other half, and sometimes, well, that part gets confusing. Lines get blurred along the way.
Of course, he thinks Mykes is gorgeous and he has since the day they met. The fact that she's attractive is always there, in the back of his mind, even when it maybe shouldn't be. He's a guy and that's his excuse. He really, really can't help noticing her sometimes.
It's not just the physical attraction that makes it confusing, though. He could have ignored it if that was all. The truth is, Pete loves Myka for a lot more than being beautiful. He loves her for her quirks and how she knows all these languages and eats Twizzlers and bites her lip when she's excited. He loves that she knows when to cheer him up and when to just stay close and quiet. He loves the way she balances him out, loves the way she loves him and Claudia and Artie and the Warehouse. He even loves it when she annoys the crap out of him.
And even more than that, when he tends to imagine what his life and future will be like, he always imagines it to be with her. They are connected; at first it was only by the Warehouse and their mission, but it's more than that now. He once told her that no matter what happened to her, he'd be right there with her going through the same thing. He's not a morbid guy and tries not to think about it, but the fact that they'll probably die together is not always an avoidable line of thought. It's not even as horrific as it should be to him because, hey, the worst days with Myka are still better than the best days without her, and being dead probably wouldn't change that.
And now there's this giant elephant in the room, but not an elephant - a baby. Created from an artifact whammy, not whammy whammy, but a pregnancy nonetheless. It's over now and that's all gone, but he wished for it to happen in the first place. For a split second, he had wanted it as badly as he'd ever wanted anything in his entire life.
He always knew he'd want kids some day, but he always felt too young, not ready. He couldn't even keep his marriage from falling apart back then; he was too immature, unstable. It was never the right time, and he'd never found his 'One.' The thing is, he thinks he might be ready for parenthood now, if it wasn't for the Warehouse. He's older, wiser, sober, more responsible and willing to risk everything for his family (blood-related or not). But the Warehouse takes up his life. It's not a normal 9 to 5 gig. He's out in the line of fire nearly every day and faces the supernatural and unexplained as often as Mulder and Scully did. He travels more than he stays in one place. There's no room for a kid that would have his genes and therefore inevitably get into things he shouldn't, and if anything happened to his son or daughter - it would shatter him. Not only is safety an issue, it's simply hard to meet the 'One' that will be able to handle the secret of the Warehouse, hard to meet people at all when he's always on the move and wrapped up in lies about the IRS and wacky mushrooms.
But Myka, he thinks, is already in on the secret and the crazy lifestyle, and he could imagine no better mother in the world. And if he thinks about it too much, he starts to imagine a precious little being, half him and half her. His sense of humor and love of movies, her love of books and Twizzlers. Her curly hair, his smile. Her intellect, his vibes. As he thinks about it now, he finds himself swept in again by a sudden burst of wishfulness; he's glad he's not holding an artifact, Myka would kill him if he got her pregnant again. But along with the wishfulness is something hollow that feels a lot like...grief. For the baby that wasn't, for the future that never will be.
Because he's pretty sure that Myka's never been confused, not about him, not ever. He's not as oblivious as they all might think; he's seen the looks she shares with H.G. and he knows there's something there. The idea had startled him at first, then annoyed him, simply because it felt as though H.G. was connected to Myka in a way even he couldn't manage. As much as he can forgive her for the past, he thinks he still hates her a little for that, for coming between what should have been an incomparable bond, an unbreakable partnership. He wonders, just sometimes, if there isn't a tinge of jealousy aimed at her too.
But when the old inventor isn't going crazy and trying to end the world or being carted off by the Regents, she seems to make Myka happy, and that's the most important thing. Happy Myka, after all, is the Myka he loves best and he won't complicate that chance for her with his own...whatever these emotions are supposed to be. So he puts the child with her hair and his smile out of his mind, tries not to grieve for a mystical pregnancy that never came to term, tries not to be jealous of those little shared glances of longing and love.
It's hard sometimes.
And sometimes it's not.
Maybe he's just gone too long without a serious relationship.
In any case, most days, Pete thinks of Myka like his sister and doesn't examine whatever is in his heart that wants to love her like something else. All he can do is be her partner, her best friend, and always, always be there for her just as she is always there for him. And maybe that's enough.