Disclaimer: I do not own Fifty Shades of Grey or any of its associated fictional characters or settings.

Great Explanations

Fifty Shades of Grey

Welcome, once again, to Great Explanations. Is there that one book everyone is raving about but that you can't be bothered reading? Something you're interested in, but just don't have the time for? That's where we come in! We read the books for you and present you with a neat, concise summarisation. Our job is the make you look like a book-reading literature pro! This week we bring you to the erotic piece of literature that thirteen year olds and repressed middle-aged women everywhere have been raving about! I present to you: Fifty Shades of Grey.

* There is a girl who goes to college. We shall call her Girl. She has a friend, whom we shall call Friend. Friend is intelligent, independent, strong-willed and good at what she does.

* Girl is upset over her hair being stupid.

* Because Friend is sick, Girl has to do an interview Friend worked very hard to get. This interview is with a local Sexy Billionaire. We shall now call him SB.

* Girl doesn't think she'll do a good job but Friend begs her too because she can't miss this chance. So Girl agrees.

* Girl goes to SB's big, elegant workplace. It's a mansion, full of beautiful architecture, everything crafted to be both efficient and aesthetically pleasing.

* All the secretaries and assistants that guide Girl through are extremely good looking and sexy. This is because sexiness increases efficiency by up to 40%.

* Finally, Girl meets SB. She, and all the secretaries and assistants, are struck by his sexiness, despite the fact they see him every day.

* Yes. He IS that sexy.

* Girl is intimidated by the sexy women, the big, elegant building, but decides she will make an impression. She does this by, instead of walking like a normal person, tripping everywhere.

* SB is impressed.

* And sexy.

* Girl leaves the room thinking the interview did not go well, but relieved she will never see SB again.

* Surprise! She does.

* Girl works at a hard ware store, where she actually does something useful. SB is there and buys cables and rope. This is a simplified version of how the transaction went:

Girl: Oh, are you building something?

SB: Yes. Building something SEXY.

Girl: …

SB: Because I'm SEXY.

Girl: Yes, yes you are.

* Because Friend wants a photograph for the article, she makes Girl call SB. They organise a photo shoot of his sexiness. Afterwards, SB takes some time out of his busy schedule of making money and being sexy to take Girl out for coffee. They both find out they're single.

* Girl leaves but think she's not pretty enough for him.

* Because he's sexy.

* Girl gets drunk with Friend and calls SB. He is unimpressed and decides to come pick her up. He takes her home, tells her to take better care of herself, then tells her he wants to have sexy times with her. He hints at some paperwork she'd have to sign first, and then they make out.

* Later on, they go on a date. They go out in SB's helicopter, because taking the private jet would have been showing off. He makes her sign a contact saying she won't discuss anything they do to anyone else.

* SB then takes her into a room full of BDSM equipment. (bondage discipline sadism masochism) Because at the start of every relationship, the partner should be warned about the level of kinkiness that shall ensue.

* SB calls this his "Red Room of Pain."

* Girl is extremely turned on by this title.

* SB informs her that he doesn't want a romantic relationship, just a sexual one, and presents another contract to Girl that will mean she is completely relieved of her free will, of all her rights, and that she has to do exactly what he says.

* Because having the same amount of rights women had five hundred years ago is just that attractive, Girl reveals she wants to have sex with him, but that she is a virgin.

* SB is so turned on by the fact she has no idea what to do with his man-parts that they have sex without signing the agreement.

* They wake up together, and because they're both sexy, have sex again.

* SB's mother comes in. She's surprised because she thought her son played for the other team, was light in the loafers, had a blood tests and his blood type was G A Y, hadn't come out of the closet yet.

* She thought he preferred men.

* SB takes Girl for lunch and tells her he popped the cherry when he was fifteen to someone much older, a friend of his mother's. It wasn't a good experience.

* This changes him into SBWATP – Sexy Billionaire With A Traumatic Past.

* And as every woman knows, when a man is damaged somehow, his sexiness goes up by 30-40%.

* SBWATP also reveals that he has tried previous dominant/submissive relationships before, but they haven't worked out. Here is a summarisation of this conversation:

SBWATP: They all just seemed to be uncomfortable with the idea of completely giving up all their free will.

Girl: Because they're stupid. Obviously.



SBWATP: …I'm sexy.

Girl: Bedroom, now.

* They decide to meet up again and Girl goes home to Friend. She has several job offers, which surprises her because she didn't apply to any. SBWATP can't have anything to do with that, obviously.

* Girl admits to Friend that she and SBWATP had sexy times.

* Girl keeps receiving gifts from SBWATP. One is a laptop since she's never owned a computer. Over there, you can be a university student and do that. This is so they can communicate every hour of the day. Another is a more elaborate version of the contract that will completely end her free will.

* They email each other. Girl is delighted with her presents, especially the part of the contract that limits the food she can eat.

* Later, they meet up to discuss the contract. Suddenly, Girl seems to realise that she is completely taking away all of her free will and ensuring that she is essentially a sexual slave to an albeit sexy billionaire.

* She is also upset because he's made it completely clear he just wants a sexual relationship and she wants something more. Because she's a woman and all women want relationships, and he's a man and all men want sexy times without the complications. Because that's how every modern-day relationship works and to think otherwise would be not only silly, but potentially dangerous and may lead to other such calamities such as World War Three and gay marriage.

* Because of this, Girl runs away. She does not see SWATP until her graduation. He makes a speech there. Later, nobody is able to remember what he said because everyone was too busy thinking he was sexy.

* During this time Girl does nothing but incessantly whine.

* She also thinks she was being a bit harsh about the contract and finally agrees to sign it. Because which modern-day woman would actually want something like free will when they can have a sexy traumatised billionaire to control everything you do (or eat)?

* SBWATP and Girl make a date to discuss what Girl won't do.

* SBWATP gives her presents and lets her meet his parents, although she hasn't signed the contract yet.

* Girl gets a job with a good publishing company. This has nothing to do with SBWATP and everything to do with her skills, such as writing, and being submissive, and falling over a lot.

* Girl is sad because she can't gossip about SBWATP's sexiness.

* Girl is also confused because she is gradually realising that losing all her free will means that she will lose all her free will.

* She decides to put herself to the test and asks SBWATP to show her what he's into, so he disciplines her with a belt. This is what happens after he does:

Girl: Ow.

SBWATP: That was so hot.

Girl: …So I've just realised just how messed up this entire relationship actually is. Also, ow. You just want someone to do whatever you tell you in the bedroom. And occasionally make you sammidges.

SBWATP: You do realise that's exactly what I've been saying for the last three hundred pages or so? Like, seriously, you're only just realising all this?

Girl: …Ow.

* Girl leaves SBWATP. SBWATP is left looking for another submissive woman to make him sammidges. Girl moves back in with Friend. It ends somewhat like real life: with broken dreams, sex that led to nothing, a writer who got a good job because of who she knows and a good writer who didn't.