This was my entry for the Mix 'n' Match contest. Big thanks to my beta Arc Morpheus for helping me with it.
WARNING - Contents in this story can be viewed as domestic abuse.
Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story other than plot.
There's the light again, the sun's morning call breaking through the curtains as it makes its slow creep across the floor towards our place of slumber. It must be getting close to when I have to wake up, but I am not ready yet, my body still feels like it only just went into recharge mode. But I have no choice though, I have to get up, I need to start and complete my work before he wakes; but my body is still so exhausted. Why does time pass so quickly when you don't want it to?
I would have thought that after so many years of this routine, that I would have actually got my body used to what I demand of it; what he demands. I turn my head to look at the clock at my bedside, 5:30am; he will be awake in an hour's time and will not be happy if everything isn't perfect, how he expects things to be.
That thought alone is enough to make me drag my aching body from the bed, ignoring its pleas to go back to sleep again, and refuel my aching bones with the energy I have not yet found.
I lean over and give him a gentle kiss on his cheek, careful not to rouse him from sleep, and smile down at the man I love, the man who would seem like an abuser to any another person, but he isn't like that. Yes, he likes things to be done a certain way, for me to look nothing less than perfect. Is that really so wrong?
Quietly, I leave the room, careful not to wake him - the result of which would be unbearable. My body is still recovering from the last time I was punished for not following his rules. I am not ready for that again.
I make my way across the small landing to the bathroom and start my strict daily routine, making myself look the way he expects me to be. I must always appear flawless, nothing short of beautiful. That is what he calls me, his beautiful boy; I always want to be that for him.
Removing my boxers I start to exfoliate my face and body to the point I have tears building in my eyes, my skin is burning under the harsh scrubbing with all the products and body brush. Once done, I grab the moisturiser and cake it all over my body; my skin delighting in the instant relief it brings me as it soothes my sore skin. The sensation of the cooling cream easing the burning sensations is riveting, a sweet release to the torture I just performed to reach body beautiful.
I smile to myself as my thoughts wander too images of his gentle hands gliding down my smooth, unblemished skin; feeling his lips kissing every part of me, every part he says he loves. That thought has my cock hardening, and it is enough to pull me back to the moment, enough to have me getting back on track with my routine.
My hair is next, this must be styled impeccably and always in the same way; the just got out of bed look, but for some reason it always takes ages to perfect. Why does something that is supposed to look so simple seem to take so long? My wild strands are always demanding to be free, to run wild over my head as they always have. I just wish they wouldn't, just once I wish it would do as Emmett insists. I smooth my hair out with baby oil, but not too much that it would be greasy to his touch, before styling it with the hair wax. Not a single strand must fall over my face, not a single one should stray from the path of his dictation.
Giving my dark hair a final check over, I move to my teeth, flossing and scraping to make sure they remain the pristine white of a Hollywood movie star. Gargling mouth wash for a full two minutes before rinsing, making sure to have the peppermint breath he likes to assume is naturally me.
I do all this for him, not just because he demands it, but because I know how much he loves me. His love for me is just...different, but he does love me and I love him, so why wouldn't I want to make him happy? He demands these things from me to keep me looking good, keep me looking flawless...for him.
In all the years I have been with Emmett McCarty, he has never ever hit me, never screamed, or raised his voice. I am not a victim of domestic violence! I am merely a victim of love for a man who suffers from apparent OCD. Our love just demands a little more attention than others.
Checking the bathroom thoroughly; making sure everything is still in its rightful place: the towels on the rack are even and that none hang longer than the other, that the cap is back on the toothpaste and all evidence of used water is gone.
Once satisfied, I make my way down to the kitchen, checking the clock as I go - 6 AM - I still have some time before I have to go wake him. Taking all the cleaning products out I start scrubbing the already spotless kitchen, to make sure it keeps looking like new, a single smudge would be disastrous!
I spend the next twenty minutes cleaning, before I check his breakfast order on the small list he has left me then I set too making his healthy breakfast: a fruit salad with whipped cream and freshly squeezed orange juice.
Once everything is set, I put on the clean clothes I laid out last night: the size too small t-shirt and jeans, the fabric molds over my aching body, to show off everything he likes me to show; so the world can see his perfect boyfriend. A perfect boyfriend who can hardly leave the house alone without Emmett, knowing all too well how he would be calling me all the time to check I am ok.
Not that I really need to leave, I am happy waiting for him to come home, making sure our home is nice, that everything is in its place. Friends have come and gone, even when I needed them the most, but never once has Emmett not been here for me. When my father died and I was alone, sobbing in our room, he didn't speak - simply crawled into bed next to me and held me until the sobs calmed.
That is the real Emmett, the guy behind the OCD, the guy who truly loves me.
As 6:30am arrives, it's time to go wake him, well to give him the wakeup call he insists upon, the loving waking call only I can do for him; just another one of my many chores, a part of my daily routine. I don't really mind, he does love me, he just likes things done a certain way and today is an important one for him. In a few short hours his friend, James, will be arriving to stay for a few days so everything has to be perfect. If not, well...I would rather not think about the end result of that.
I walk past the cupboard, the place I have stayed in for so many of my punishments. The small dark cupboard is just tall enough to let me stand up in it; when he locks me in there, giving me time to contemplate over my behaviour that led me to this punishment in the first place.
Like I said, Emmett would never ever hit me, he isn't that guy, but he has no qualms leaving me locked in that cupboard until he thinks I am fully repentant and thought thoroughly about what I did incorrect. I am not in there long before he lets me out and I get to show him how sorry I truly am for what I did. He always loves me just enough for me to forgive him; I just wish that sometimes it didn't take him so long to get to the point where he will release me.
The longest time was two days; there, locked in that small cupboard without food or water, living in my filth for forgetting that he had to get up early for a meeting, resulting in him being late and me getting locked in the dark. I had nobody to even say a sweet hello to, unless you count the tears that had become my only friends.
He did forgive me though, and providing I keep to the rules, he has never done anything other than love me...like he should.
I arrive back at our room, watching him slumber as I start to crawl over him, pulling back the sheets as I prepare for my lips to become his morning alarm. I take his large cock in my hand as I admire his buff body, before I take my first taste of the tip of his cock. As I begin sucking down every inch I can feel his cock hardening, his body starting to awaken as I take his full erection down my throat.
This is how he likes to be woken! Hating alarms he gets me to use my lips and tongue to pull him from sleep, and then when he is ready, he fills my stomach with my first meal of the day.
My own cock starts to harden beneath my jeans as I feel his hands pulling on my hair, but I know I won't get any satisfaction, not in the morning and probably not until he is home from work. So I don't touch myself, I just glide his cock further down my throat as my hands work over his throbbing muscle until I hear his grunts of approval, then feel his warm liquid rushing down my throat.
He is awake.
I release his cock from my throat as he stretches his body and comes up to sitting, his legs pulling over the bed. I sit back as I wait for him to address me, knowing all too well not to talk until he does; he isn't a morning person but then who is? He stands up and makes his way from the room so he can shower, I watch his perfect butt making its leave, a little saddened by the thought that he didn't even thank me.
He never thanks you, why do you never remember that?
I guess it's just his way, the way of the older man, so my mother tells me anyway.
Bloody hell Seth, when will you see that he doesn't deserve us? When will you see we can do better?
I shake the thoughts away, not allowing myself to fill myself with doubt for the man I want, the man I know that I need.
I met Emmett in a club when I was just eighteen and he was already thirty eight, but I never noticed his age, he always looks young to me. Within two months he had literally swept me off my feet and I had moved into his town house here in London. It was then that I saw how different we were in our ages, how my messy student life wouldn't hold well with his clean living style.
Emmett likes things to be done in a just a certain way, his home was to always look immaculate, everything in its place; everything has to be cleaned every day so that not a single speck of dust is able to settle. Yes it's tough, but it beats living in squalor right?
Keep telling yourself that!
In the beginning he showed me what he expected, gave me the list of daily chores; my way to earn my keep. Somehow, without question, I just fell in line and did all he asked of me.
"Seth, if you truly love me you will do these things I ask of you without any complaints." That was what he told me when I agreed to give up the idea of becoming a doctor, and fell into becoming his house husband, so to speak.
I didn't really mind back then, and now, four years later, I still feel the same as I ever did. I know that if I do what he asks of me, then a happy life we shall lead. That's all both of us really want...Isn't it?
How would we know? He never asks what we want, it's all him, him, him!
Emmett comes back into the bedroom, wearing nothing and grunts at me, causing me to look at him slightly bewildered. He doesn't speak to me but simply folds his arms, and scowls slightly.
I forgot to do something!
I made myself perfect!
I cleaned the kitchen!
I gave him the wakeup call he insists upon, so what did I miss?
Great, now we are in for it!
"Seth!" He snaps, making me jump slightly.
"Y...yes...Emmett..." I reply, stammering over my words which I know he hates.
He sighs as expected.
"You think my clothes are going to put themselves on me? Fuck Seth, stop daydreaming and help me!" He grunts again.
I spring to the wardrobe where I hung his clothes the night before and hurry back to him, helping him get into his suit.
Who knew you would go from dressing your Barbie's, to dressing your boyfriend?
Mentally punching my inner self, I concentrate fully on Emmett. "Sorry Emmett." I say several times, hoping my mistake won't end up with me back in the cupboard, not today.
"Stop apologising." He says, pulling my lips into his to gently caress against mine.
He never kisses me after I do something wrong!
He must be in too good a mood that James is arriving today.
I don't question his direction, allowing myself to fall into his kiss, taste the sweet morning breath of the man I know deep in my heart that I love. His tongue breaks through my lips, entering into my mouth and dancing with mine as my whole body begins to tingle.
This is why I love Emmett, his tender side always washing away the times when his raging hulk takes over.
For once my head is silent as he also enjoys the kiss, the part of Emmett we are both a little addicted to.
He releases me as he goes to make his way down to the kitchen, towards the small meal I prepared as per his directions.
I follow his lead, making sure I am there in case he needs anything or has any instructions for my day. I have already spent this past week cleaning the house from top to bottom, and I made sure that the spare room is more than adequate for James's arrival.
"Now don't forget, James will be here around two o'clock and I won't be able to get home until three, so make sure he has everything he needs." Emmett tells me as he licks cream from his lips.
I nod so he knows I am listening, watching him as he eats the fruit and cream, a scene that is making my cock twitch at the thought of his soft lips eating every inch of my body. Will he even want sex with James in the house? Will he feel too weird that his best friend, who he hasn't seen in almost eight years, is in the next room and could hear each thrust he pounds within me?
I hope so, I have needs, and Emmett is normally more than willing to pound away my needs, fulfilling all my desires. Well, he is willing if I am not locked in the cupboard of course.
Don't mention that place, there is only one dark hole I want to think about and that is him, entering ours!
I find myself giggling as I play with the hem of my shirt.
"Seth!" I jump at the sound of his voice.
Fuck, he knows I was daydreaming again.
"Jesus Seth, please not today! You know how fucking important everything is today! You need to be on the ball or I will have to lock you in the cupboard for longer this time! Don't go thinking I won't just because James is here!" He bellows, making me shudder at the thought that I could still be sent to the cupboard even with James present.
That is a shame I don't need, not with a new person a person I have never met.
"Sorry Emmett, I am listening and everything will be perfect." I answer him, a small begging tone escaping me.
He walks over to me, taking my head in his hands as he gazes deeply into my eyes. "You know I don't like punishing you baby, I just need you to be good for me, for us and get everything just right." He kisses me on the forehead and my heart skips a beat.
"I know, I will try, I love you." I tell him as he makes for the door, closing it behind him, leaving my declaration painfully unrequited.
He doesn't have to say it every time, Seth! And how can you expect him to love you when you keep fucking up?
I shout at myself again as I hurry around the house making sure everything is in its place, everything perfect. I begin to play over the tasks in my head of what I have to do today before James's arrival, when my message tone on my phone pulls me away from my concentration.
I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone and read the text from Emmett. I knew it was him without even looking; nobody else even has my number.
~Seth, do not forget to clean all the windows again! And remember, James doesn't eat meat so you will need to cook something else! ~
I sigh as I close down the text box, knowing that I won't be able to make the chicken I had planned.
I really need to listen when he is telling me something! I go to the pantry and check what I have in, what would pass for a tasty vegetarian meal and decide upon a risotto. Does he like rice? I really hope so.
Give him some hay and a carrot! My head says, making me laugh to myself.
For the next few hours I start cleaning all thirteen windows in the house, making sure everyone of them is perfect and sparkling. I then re-hoover every room, and polish every surface. I plan to start preparing the meal when James arrives, it will give me an excuse to look busy rather than have to engage in an uncomfortable conversation.
I don't get to see many new people, so I always find it kind of hard to start a conversation with anyone other than Emmett. It has been like this since I was a kid; I somehow just can't be anything other than painfully shy in the face of a stranger. Making the risotto will allow me to be in the kitchen while he relaxes in the living room.
I hear the doorbell ring and look at my watch. "1:30pm! He is early? Shit!"
I check myself in the mirror, making sure I look presentable and not like someone who just cleaned the whole house, then hurry to the front door and open up to greet my guest.
As I pull the door open I am slightly shocked as I stand before a guy not much older than myself, a guy who is smiling up at me expectantly.
This can't be James, he is too young!
And cute, you forgot to say cute!
"Hello, can I help you?" I enquire nervously, ignoring the desires my head is sending through me.
"Seth? Seth Clearwater? It's me, James. You...are expecting me, right?" He looks a little confused as he checks the note he is carrying, making sure he has the correct address.
"S...sorry, yes...comes in. I was just expecting..."
"Someone older, possibly?" He interrupts as he enters the house, laughing to himself, his laughter that is like a once lost symphony being played for the first time.
I blush slightly as I close the door, finally taking in the man before me. He is around my height, with light brown cropped hair that hangs over his face slightly, almost shielding the view of his deep brown eyes. My breath hitched in my throat as I take him in completely, my heart rate speeding up in my chest.
I have never looked at another man before, but somehow my eyes seemed glued to the guy before me and I struggle to turn my gaze away. Even my head has somehow lost its voice and is just staring in amazement of the guy we both agree is cute.
"Yes." I say faintly, as I lead him into the living room. "Would you...like a coffee?" I ask, my voice seeming shyer around him than it normally is with strangers, if that is even at all possible.
He places his suitcase on the floor and smiles at me, and I feel my jeans start to tighten even though part of me is checking his shoes and suitcase for mud, any signs that he is bringing the dirty streets of London unwelcomed into my home.
Would you like to get your mind out of the gutter! The last thing you need is for James to see your erection and for him to tell Emmett, which is unless you like having only your head to talk too in the dark! My mind suddenly started to feel the fear of how a small mistake on our part will end badly. Yes, everything is ok when it is in my head, but if James sees...and tells Emmett...
Not good, not fucking good!
"Sure." he says, his eyes never leaving mine.
I walk into this kitchen, assuming I can make a small escape to get myself together, but as I go to fill the coffee machine, I turn to see I am not as alone as I hoped to be.
Like an idiot I seem to gape at him, my jaw hanging for just a few seconds before I manage to pull myself together. "E...everything ok?" I stammer like an idiot.
"Fine," He smiles. "Just thought you might need a hand."
He walks towards me and I find myself thinking about his hands over my body, touching me in places I know it is wrong to think. I push the thoughts away and pull my voice from my throat; ignoring the mental scolding my head is now giving me.
"H...how do you like your coffee." I ask, as I start taking coffee mugs out of the cupboard.
Calm down Seth or you will be in the cupboard tonight!
"Strong and with only a little milk...like my men!" I feel his hand settle on my shoulder and jump, sending one of the mugs to the floor, shattering into pieces.
"Fuck!" I am in the cupboard tonight for sure!
Not good, not good, not good!
I bend down, collecting the pieces and I can feel the tears falling from my eyes.
Emmett is going to be so fucking pissed! We was doing so well, almost two months cupboard free!
"I...am sorry Seth. I didn't think you would be so jumpy, if I did I wouldn't have touched your shoulder. I am sorry..." I look up into his eyes, seeing the pain in his brown opals, and I can feel them drawing me in like a call from sirens.
I swallow a sob as I look at him. "It's ok...I just..."
"Don't want to end up in the cupboard?"
Say what! Did I miss something here?
His words shock me!
He knows about the cupboard, how?
I didn't tell him, I know I didn't! I wouldn't!
Emmett is going to be so angry!
Great! Well done you! Off to the cupboard for us!
I feel his hand go to my cheek, collecting my falling tears that I am struggling to stop.
"Hey, it's ok! I know what Emmett is like." He says, pulling my face into his so his eyes can bewitch me again.
He sees the confusion in my face and gives me the answer my eyes were looking for.
"Whoa! Nothing like that! I have met a few of Emmett's ex's and you're not the first who was sent to his cupboard." He takes his hand to my cheek again, pushes some of my hair behind my ear as he wipes my face clean of my tears.
I don't move, simply look at his face, those perfect lips that his tongue is gliding over, and I can feel the pull, the want to be drawn into them.
"Everything ok?" I jump at the sound of Emmett's voice, James following my lead.
Great, the Hulk returns!
Emmett's eyes wander to the floor to see the broken mug, and I know what he is thinking. He is toying with the idea of how long I will remain in the cupboard this time, how long my punishment will last for breaking a mug.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
He has that look again, the one that always manages to make me hate myself, that look of disappointment!
"Sorry Emmett, I dropped the mug, let me get you a new one." James says, walking over to greet Emmett while I finish collecting the remnants of broken pottery.
"No need Jay, it's only a mug. How was your journey?" Emmett asks, leading him from the room, but not before looking over his shoulder at me.
I feel dread washing through me, knowing that I will soon be going back into the cupboard with nothing but my thoughts, ones I know will be filled with the stranger in my house, the devil who calls himself James.
The Devil who had us at hello!
James said he knows that Emmett does this, but the last thing I want is to go into the cupboard with his eyes on me, laughing at me maybe.
It doesn't happen though!
For some reason Emmett never even hints at the fact I will be going there, he somehow totally forgets the incident as he relaxes with his friend, a friendship I learn was formed as James is the son of an old friend. Apparently he helped him when he came out. The thought of Emmett helping a confused James with his new found sexuality makes me feel all warm inside.
So James has seen the softer side of my Emmett I like to enjoy.
With the thought still in my brain, that someone else also sees Emmett for all I see him, I spend the next few days waiting on the two men hand and foot, never really getting a moment to myself, but I am used to that and I really don't care, I am just happy they are happy. I do get an odd feeling every now and then, like I am being watched, but whenever I look back at the two men, neither is looking my way.
You're just hoping that James guy is watching you! You want him, you can't lie to me!
Trying to ignore my head, I look at James who turns and smiles at me while Emmett goes to the toilet, but as I turn away blushing I get that feeling again, the watched feeling. With his eyes on me I find myself scowling as I polish the bookcase, can't he see that Emmett will have his ever watchful eye on me, that if he sees the smile I am fighting to keep from my face from a simple look it will lead to punishment for us both? This will be far worse than some broken mug, this will have me locked up for who knows how long.
As Emmett walks back into the room carrying two beers and laughing to himself as he sits beside James again, I finally feel the eyes leave me and start to relax back into my chores.
That's it, just ignore him, and do what you have to do so we can stay in the light.
I nod in agreement with my head before taking the polish into the kitchen so I can start preparing lunch.
Maybe...and I mean only maybe...it's time we did look at another, I mean, do you really want to be Cinderella for the rest of your life?
"Emmett is my life!" I tell myself and my subconscious blows me a rude raspberry.
Well don't come crying to me when that big bundle of love leaves and we are left with Emmett, the man who thinks we are his house maid!
On the fourth day of his stay, while Emmett is at work, I find myself left unwillingly alone with James, trying to get him to leave me be while I do my chores, but he never does. Instead he follows me, telling the stories of his travels, his visits to all the different countries all over the world. Betraying myself I somehow hang on his every word, and find myself missing part of my cleaning as I take everything in he tells me.
Erm...earth to Seth, you have cleaned that same spot like ten times now, I think it's done!
The more time I spend with him, the more I feel like my old self, opening up to this new person, the one who has accomplished so much more than I have, and for a small moment I regret the past four years, the now absent dreams of becoming a doctor. Where would I be now if I had never met Emmett?
Not in a cupboard that's for sure!
It is probably true, but then is my life really anything without Emmett in it? I can see in my mind's eye, my head rolling its makeshift eyes at my last comment.
At night when I am dancing my hips over Emmett's erection, my thoughts struggle to remain with him as his image is replaced with that of the man in the next room, the man whose hands I want running up my body. I can never seem to stop the image of him playing with every brain cell, fuelling the want I have for him, the need for him to take me into his room and just fuck me.
"I love you, Seth." Emmett says, pulling his body up to sitting with his hands around my back as I speed up my dance.
I look into his lust filled eyes, see my reflection within them as beads of sweat moisten his brow and he pulls me in for a kiss.
I want to stop these thoughts of James, to push him away from me, but my heart keeps thrumming and I hear the small gentle hum like a whisper below each beat.
James, James, James!
This stranger in the next room is somehow stealing my heart away from Emmett, without even really trying. I am somehow becoming victim to a wandering libido, my body yearning for someone other than Emmett, something I never once expected.
As Emmett reaches climax and pulls us both back to lying on the bed, I rest my head in his shoulder and allow tears to silently escape me.
"You're my world, Seth." He says, running his hand through my hair as he begins to stroke my erection so he can bring me to my end.
I never normally take this long, never normally need more than a few minutes before I scream my orgasm, but today I can't, today I have to fill my head with images of someone else and not the man I thought I would grow old with.
Emmett flips me onto my back and works my erection between his finger as he bites my nipple, then tickles it with his tongue, but as my breath deepens, as I move towards my end I don't see my bear anymore. Images of a naked James above me, kissing every inch of my body, has my back arching from the bed. Within seconds I am balling my toes as the pace of his touch is increased, as my imagination has James cock moving to my lips.
It's then I climax, then that I almost make a huge mistake. "Jam... Emmmett...Emmett...I love you." I scream, hoping he doesn't notice how I almost screamed another's name.
Seeing a small amount of hurt in his eyes, Emmett gets off me and walks naked towards the bathroom, but he never mentions that I almost said James, never lets me know that he can see what I desire.
Love shouldn't be this hard, Seth.
For days James has watched me, smiled whenever my eyes met his, but he didn't try and touch me again, not like he did so innocently in the kitchen; not with Emmett around. Yet he does other things now that I fear are not so innocent, leaving the bathroom door open when he showers so I can see the water falling down his body, cascading over every inch before dripping from his perfect penis. I know I shouldn't be watching him, I know how wrong it is and how punished I will be, but I can't seem to help myself.
Then there are the moments when he walks past our room in nothing but his towel that he has hanging just below his hips, leaving just enough uncovered to have all air escaping from my lungs and my blood rushing straight to my groin.
He is teasing me; I know it, but why?
Why would he want me?
Is he only doing this so that I am forced to the cupboard?
Why would James even look in my direction if not to start some trouble for me?
Why would he do this to his friend?
"Seth!" Emmett snaps at me, I must have drifted off again.
I am supposed to be helping him get his trousers on for a meeting he has to get too, but somehow when he lifted his leg, I found myself thinking about James again, and forgot to pull the trouser over his foot.
He has still not let on that he heard me almost call James's name, but he has still been shorter than normal with me, not even holding me as we slept, something that is almost a tradition in our sleep.
"Sorry Emmett." I say, finally helping him dress and pulling up his clothing.
He sighs and looks at me. "I really don't know what is with you at the moment! I somehow see my little Seth changing, pulling from me."
If he did know then I know where I would be heading.
"See you in a few hours." He says, looking a little disappointed I didn't respond, before storming from the bedroom without gracing my lips with his, without a real goodbye.
He knows something is wrong, but why should we care, he doesn't even love us!
I look out the window and watch as he gets in his car and pulls out of the street.
"I am sorry, Emmett."
I bite my lower lip as I feel those hands on me again, at my waist gliding up my chest. I didn't hear him come in, didn't know he was there! I stand in shock as his hands wander over my body, my breath wheezing under his touch.
"He will never really love you, Seth." James breath flows over my neck, as his lips start to meet with my flesh. "He...doesn't deserve you!"
I don't speak, my voice a thousand miles away as I feel his hands slowly start to remove my clothing, taking my t-shirt slowly over my head. I feel his chest connect into my back and I realise then that he is naked. I move my hands behind me to rest on his waist, feeling the fabric of his boxers; disappointment taking over me.
We shouldn't be doing... My head tries to warn me, but succumbs to his advance.
I still don't speak, don't move as his hands go to the zipper on my jeans as he begins to pull it down, unbuttoning the waist before I feel the fabric falling to the floor. I gasp as I take in the fact I am one piece of clothing from being totally naked, with a man I have known for less than a few weeks, the best friend of the man I am supposed to love.
Was that even love? Does it feel as good as...as...? Again my head gives into the movements of James.
He kisses my neck again and pulls my arm up to his head, pulling himself into me as his hands dance up and over my body. I should push him off me, I should make him leave me alone and go back to my chores and await the arrival of the man I lay with every night.
But I don't!
I lose myself under his every touch, his fingers playing my chest like a fine instrument, every small touch causing my body to give into desires as my cock starts to harden. His hand lowers down my body, towards my hardening length. My mind starts to spin as I try to find the strength to do the right thing.
I should stop him!
No you shouldn't!
Get him off me!
Give into him!
No... No... No... James
Yes...James, James, James!
My head is trying to reason with my whispering, heavy heart, the yearning I have for the man who is touching me in a way I have never really felt before. Emmett never had an issue making me cum, but he never really made me...feel!
Not like this, not to my memory anyway.
Not like James is, not these new hands that is enchanting my body into feeling desired, leading me to give into this temptation.
As his hand falls over my erection I find myself apologising inwardly to Emmett, tears start falling from my face as James touch opens something deep within me, something I never knew existed, something he had awakened. I never thought I would be with any other man, let alone have them show me more emotion in a single caress, than Emmett had in all the years of our relationship.
Do I really want this, or am I just lost in a moment that is fuelled by lust and desire?
My head doesn't give me the answers I need; the only sound is his kisses over my body, and my heart whispering his name.
As I feel the fabric of my Calvin's start to be lowered, I reluctantly gain control back of my body.
"No!" I say, placing my hands over his so that he can't lower them further.
I don't push him off, not like I should, not like common sense is telling me too. I simply hold onto his hands, not really wanting him to stop.
""You deserve so much better, Seth!" he says, locking his arms around my waist as he hugs me, pulling my arse towards the erection housed within his shorts.
Don't I already have what I deserve?
"Come with me, leave him!" James says, finally pulling me to face him, to see into the eyes that are already drawing me deeper in.
I see nothing there but kindness, nothing more than what he has already shown me.
"I...I..." He pulls my head into his, locking our lips together as we finally kiss.
His kiss is different from Emmett's who did have his moments, however soft they aimed to be, James's were much gentler, not filled with lust. Even at his most tender, Emmett never once had my body buckling in his arms like it is for James as he struggles to keep me from falling to the floor.
He finally pulls away from me and my heart cracks slightly, I know I want more, and I know I need more.
We need more!
He gently strokes my face, smiling at me. "I leave tomorrow...come with me, please Seth."
He is leaving already?
No! He can't leave...we have to go with him, Seth. Leave Emmett!
As I play over the idea of leaving with a man I hardly know, he leans in to whisper into my ear.
"I will never leave you in the dark."
As he turns to leave the room, I feel my heart going with him.
Can we go?
Should I even play with the notion?
As I stand in my bedroom, the place I have bent so many times for Emmett, I suddenly feel like a stranger, like I don't belong here anymore. My blood is pumping at such a rate that I can feel my brain swelling to the erratic beat, calling the name from my whispering, traitorous heart that is trying to guide me towards a life with a man I hardly know.
I don't leave my room again, and he doesn't re-enter. I just stand there in the same place hearing nothing but my heart saying his name.
James, James, James.
"It was great having you stay buddy." Emmett says, giving James a last hug as we hear the train conductor calling out for people to board.
I block out their goodbyes as I stand and stare at James, my breath somehow lodged in my throat as I ready myself to say goodbye.
Really! This is what you're choosing for us? I mentally nod to my unhappy inner self.
I can't leave Emmett, can't leave the man who has taken care of me, loved me for so long. I can't become the person who thinks the grass is greener on the other side, only to have the possibility that James won't even love me, maybe even laugh at me. No, Emmett is the one for me!
Ignoring my heart that is now screaming within me, I smile at James to say my goodbye. His face is as sad as my heart feels; it had been that way since I took the opportunity while Emmett was in the shower, to tell him I was staying, that I couldn't possibly go.
Not now, not ever!
I didn't give him time to reply as I left his room, fighting back my raging tears, wanting to be in my cupboard so I could be free to sob. Yet now, standing here and seeing his inner disappointment I try and remain confident in my choice.
"This is it then." He says, looking at me one last time before stepping onto the train and standing in the doorway, his eyes on me.
I made the right choice...didn't I?
Now you want advice? Now you want to listen?
Emmett puts his arm around my shoulder and kisses my cheek as he waves a goodbye to the now sad friend, but even though part of me wants to stay, another part doesn't.
The bleeping that always comes before the automatic train doors close is now ringing out, and the doors begin to move towards each other at a seemingly slow pace. I see his lower lip form a small pout and my heart pangs in my chest, screaming at me not to say goodbye that I deserve to feel real love.
Before the doors have time to get close to meeting, before my heart can scream his name once more, I do something so unexpected...
I leap through the doors.