I give permission to anyone who is angry with me about not uploading my multi-chapter stories to shoot me in the foot. I will be expecting the firing squad shortly.
The oneshot bug just keeps on biting! I've written five in a week, and that's no small feat for me! And while the inspiration for Self Rediscovery is not as prevalent, it IS still there, so worry not! (not that you care)
Warning: Convoluted fan theories ahoy!
Disclaimer: I'm not even British. Do you think I have any ownership over BBC show?
Enjoy, peasants! :D
That is the only thought in his very impressive mind. She's gone. She's gone. She's gone. He'll never see her again. Never hold her or kiss her or love her again. Never again will he try to pilot the TARDIS, and she'll keep making corrections behind his back, and he'll pretend he won't notice because it secretly pleases him that she can fly Her at all. He'll never again flirt with her as they're running for their lives, her shooting off rounds from that damn gun of her's, and him staring at her when he should be looking where he's going but he can't because she's so sexy when she gets like this and he shouldn't like it but he does.
Did. He has to remember to think of everything concerning her in the past tense now because it's all over. She had been right about Darillium; the Towers sang and he cried. He had given her the screwdriver as a parting gift, complete with the hidden neural relay. Of course, she didn't know it was a parting gift. He had told her that since she was finally heading all those big impressive digs she always dreamt of, it'd be handy. He could tell she was suspicious of his true motives, but she hadn't questioned him.
Then he kissed her goodbye, and retreated to his ship. Had he stayed any longer, it is likely he would have gotten down on his knees and begged her to stay away from libraries of any kind.
But he hadn't, and now he is alone. So desperately alone, and this time he doesn't want a bubbly human Companion to bring him out of it. He wants to mourn her, his beautiful River Song. They could have had Forever, but apparently the Universe feels that he doesn't deserve that.
There had been another woman who had promised him Forever. His amazing human girl, his Rose. He had no doubt in his mind that she would have traveled with him forever given the chance and the life span. But she had only been human, and more importantly, she was gone as well. Both his loves, torn away from him by cruel fate; something he didn't believe in, but seemed like the only reasonable explanation.
'Or,' his mind whispered treacherously. 'Maybe it's you. You put them in danger simply by being who you are. You swoop in, all charming and impossible, and tempt them into your lair with promise of wonders and adventures. You blind them to what you really are. A selfish old man, all alone in the Universe but for his even older box.'
He hastily pushes those thoughts out of his mind. That wasn't true. He gave all potential Companions a choice. Many chose to go with him at his offer to see the stars, but he could think of a quite a few that had refused him as well. Rose had wanted to see what was out there, what was beyond her boring little council estate, and so had joined him. River had wanted to learn more about him, what made him so wonderful that the half of the Universe that didn't despise him adored him so much, so she had sought him out. He hadn't forced or lured them into anything. His brain was just having one of its darker moments in his hour of grief.
And there it is. His inner monologue had distracted him from his pain, but there it was, stabbing right between his hearts. He wasn't even sure who he was crying over – River, Rose, or both.
Both. Definitely both. He had loved them equally, and had never thought to compare the two women. Rose was sweet, concerned, and a little bit childish. River was sexy, dangerous, and a little bit deadly. Pink and Yellow, Guns and Curls. They were two very different kinds of people; like apples and oranges, as the saying goes on Earth. Yet both had managed to make him a fool in love.
It had actually surprised him at first how easily he fell into step with River, how quickly he had trusted her, and, consequently, fallen for her. Something about her just drew him to her, something he hadn't felt for anyone since Rose. When he had realized that River somehow reminded him of Rose, he thought that he might have suffered brain damage during his regeneration. They couldn't have been more different, and yet he was able to spot similarities in them, things he concluded that he found attractive in a woman.
Courage. Strong will. Humor. Loyalty. Compassion. Base character traits and principles that he always looked for in his friends, and even more so, his lovers. Rose and River had displayed each quality prominently and proudly, if in their own ways. Looking back on both of them, he now saw that they were more alike that he had first thought. Rose would even pick up a gun when she needed to, and River would gladly put her's down if peace could be made without violence.
He was shaken from his pondering by a loud groan from the TARDIS. He jumped to his feet and skittered over to the console.
"What is it, Old Girl? What's wrong-" He was cut off mid-sentence by being thrown back into the wall. The TARDIS was moaning and shaking far more than was appropriate for an average landing. He pulled himself up and bounded to the scanner. The readings that were displayed shook him to the bone. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" He shouted at Her. "YOU'RE GOING TO GET US KILLED!"
They came to an abrupt halt, the lights dimming significantly at the same moment. After recovering from the impact, he rubbed the back of his neck and took in the state of his ship. It was dark, but not entirely so. She was drained, but not dead. It'd take some time to recharge, but She'd be able to fly.
Suddenly, there was a pounding on the door. He glanced over at it, confused. Who in their right mind would be knocking on the door of a police box. Well, former Companions of his, but that was impossible here. Unless…
As he moved towards the door, the knocking became more frantic, as if the person on the other side was ready to bust it down and force their way through. He gripped the handle, and taking a deep breath, threw open the doors.
And standing on the other side was a very breathless Rose Tyler.
"Doctor." She said, gazing up at him as if he were an impossible anomaly of Time and Space. Which he was. At least in this particular Universe.
"Rose," he choked out. "How did you-"
"You've been cryin'." Rose commented, her concern clear in her eyes. "Why?"
He leaned against the door, wiping his eyes. He could only imagine how he looked, all puffy and red-eyed. He sighed heavily.
"I've… I've lost someone." He finally said. Rose gave him a sad smile.
"Don't you always?"
He hangs his head at that, because she's right, and that hurts. But she doesn't understand the gravity this particular loss holds for him. Or maybe she does. Rose always understood him in a way only one other person ever could. And she was gone.
"It was… different this time. She was different."
When he says this Rose's tentative smile drops, and he can see pain in her lovely brown eyes. 'You're different, too' he wants to say, but he can't, because River was a different different.
"Who was she?" She asks, her gaze downcast.
And the dam breaks, and the floodgates open.
"Who was she? You really want to know?" He's getting up in her face and he's crying and he's positive he's scaring her with the intensity of his emotions. Not even his precious Rose could stand the raging heart of a man left behind one to many times.
"She was my wife. My beautiful, brilliant, mad, clever wife. All hair and smirks and all kiss kiss, bang bang and she's gone. She's dead, and I'll never see her again, just because I made her love me too much." Now he reaches out to hold her face in his hands. She looks startled but also seems to have an absurd kind of hope in her eyes, and if he weren't in such a state he would have seen the euphoric joy there as well.
"And Rose, I love you. I love you so much and have for so long, but she was something else. She was like me, Rose. Two hearts and everything!" And he's pulling away again, releasing his hold on her as if burned, and she seems to whimper at the loss of his touch. And still he continues his heartbroken rant.
"She could have given me the Forever you promised me, and I was prepared to give it to her. But I can't, Rose! I can't!" His back is turned to her now, and his voice finally softens. "It's all my fault. My fault she's dead. I killed her, Rose." He lets out a bark of laughter then, but it is devoid of all humor. "Ironic, that. She kills me the first time she meets me and I do the exact same thing to her. It's like some sick, twisted, timey-whimey version of Romeo and Juliet."
"Yeah," Rose says, finally finding her voice. "'Cept you get a happy ending."
He spins on his heels, and looks her dead in the eye, rage building up inside him.
"Happy?" He spits out. "You think this qualifies as a happy ending? Because having the death of the woman you love hanging over your shoulders is such a pleasant way to live!"
"But it wasn't your fault." She replies, never breaking eye contact.
"And how would you know?" He retorts angrily. "You don't know anything about her, Rose Tyler!"
"But I think I do." She quips. "I know how River Song died in The Library to save you, Donna Noble, and 4,022 other people. I know how she both watched and participated in your death by the lakeside in Utah. I know how you were married at the top of a pyramid in an alternate reality that never existed. I know how watching her fire a gun turns you on. I know how when you wake up after a long, wonderful night of just the two of you that you try to persuade her to stay with you, but she always says no because she either has to be back in Stormcage for role call or has to prepare for a dig. I know how you kiss her, how you love her, how you hold her at night. I know how you never meet in the right order and how it kills the both of you slowly." She takes a breath here, and is silent for a minute. She holds his gaze, her eyes gentle, because he is frightened and shocked and most of all confused.
"How do you know all that?" He questions tentatively. Because it's impossible, so completely impossible that she can know these things when she never even met her. And yet she knows River's name when he hadn't even said it, knows all the intricacies of their relationship, the parts that are both common historical knowledge and those that are so utterly personal that not even a fly on the wall could know them.
"Because I was there," she answers, and the coolness with which she says it takes his breath away, because she can't be. She can't, and he knows he's been using that dreaded contraction quite a lot lately but she simply can't. "And is doesn't have to kill us anymore."
She's smiling then, with her tongue poking out from behind her teeth in classic Rose Tyler fashion, and for a moment she is just so Rose, so much his precious, silly little ape.
And then he thinks he sees a flash of blue in her normally brown eyes, and he doesn't know what to think.
"Rose…?" It is all he can manage to say, and he's not even sure if it's right anymore.
Yeah... just one of my many rampant headcanons. Don't ask how I came up with this. I'm not really sure myself.
I haven't exactly worked out the details, but my brain tells me it has something to do with the chameleon arch, but beyond that, I know nothing. All I can say is this is what happens when OTPs collide.
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