a/n: This is for the Song of the Day thread on NGFs. (And yes, I am having a love affair with forward slashes.)
warning: Strong cousincest, femslash and mild sexual references ahead. If you dislike any of those, please don't read this.
disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Taxi Cab.
you were standing this close to me / like the future was supposed to be
- TAXI CAB / VAMPIRE WEEKEND
put me slowly back together
lily/lucy / eldritch / walk across / land
I've known for a long time, Lucy. Always, since the first time we held hands – and it was okay, because we were cousins and best friends and no danger of anything more, right? – I've known. I haven't known anything so certainly since I learnt my own name.
Or maybe yours. Lucy Weasley. Simple. Sweet. Different to mine.
I don't want to lie to you, it hurt to think that the way you loved me – that other people had experienced that. (Lysander, Albus, Scorpius, Teddy, Lorcan, Fred, Lysander.)
Tell me you didn't love him, Lucy. I know it's selfish, Lysander's a lovely person and God knows he deserves somebody. But not you. Please, say he meant nothing, for my sake.
(I'm so sorry. I'm selfish and stupid and not worthy of your love and I won't talk about it again because this is you, Lucy, completely you.)
I hope you're in a better place. One of the lands you always talked about – Narnia or Neverland or wherever that Doctor guy lives. I know I never cared much, and I'm sorry, love, but I remembered, didn't I?
Apparently, I'm in denial. I should be, I know. I can't bring myself to cry – to feel sad, even. I just know that you must be happier now, and that's all I care about. The only time I feel a pang of pain is when I realise we'll never walk across a field again, hand in hand. Never feel that eldritch air in the winter. I'll never see your smile, never kiss your lips or your cheeks or any part of you, never hold your hand.
Maybe I am in denial.
I cried for the first time today.
Strangely, I know, I felt like maybe you deserved my tears. You deserve to be mourned, to be missed, to have tears spilled over your cold, pale corpse.
Mum said it was good that I'd cried. She said it would help me. Closure, she said.
The funeral is tomorrow, Lucy. Please help me feel a little less broken.
I think I'm a little more okay, honey. The funeral was lovely – you would've liked it. I wore my favourite yellow sundress, partly for Hufflepuff in your honour, but also because some of my favourite memories with you were created in it.
(The first time we kissed, the first time you said you loved me, the first time we went out on a date.)
I miss you more and more every day. I know – I know it contradicts what I just said (I'm better, I'm remembering you, I love you), but I mean it in a good way. I'm terrified of forgetting you, Lucy. I mean, I can't; never completely, utterly, with all my body and soul. But I can pretend. I can pretend I've forgotten the way you made – still make – my stomach flutter, the way you felt under my hands, the way you didn't judge me at all.
Sometime, I must have told you this, but I'm telling you again: you were the first person I told about my sexuality. I mean, I didn't really need to tell you, you had known probably before me, but I wanted you to know that it was official, I'd accepted it. You didn't say anything.
You kissed me.
Lucy. Lucy Lucy Lucy.
Do you know how much you meant to me? You were my world. You were so bloody amazing.
I don't think I ever told you how much I loved you.
(There's a lot I didn't tell you, and I'm sorry, darling.)
But what you need to know is this: Lucy Weasley, I am completely, irrevocably in love with you. Not past tense, God, I love you so much and I will never stop. I swear on my life, you are and always will be the most important thing, person, occurrence in my whole existence and I don't think I will ever get over you. I only ever told you, "I love you." Full stop. I'm so sorry. I love you more than words can describe but, hell, I'm going to try and describe you. You were beautiful; blonde, wispy, all-over-everywhere-and-I-don't-even-care hair, eyes bluer than the sky and a little something in your smile, in the way you dressed, in your soft, supple frame. And you… you were the loveliest person I ever met and ever will and heaven knows I didn't deserve to know you, let alone love you.
Lucy. I will never stop craving loving missing wishing waiting wanting needing you. Okay?
a/n: Thank you for reading! I really hope you enjoyed it :) please review, and do not favourite without reviewing, thank you.