Written for l0stinl0ve's Love-Hate Relationship Competition using the prompt 'Fanged Frisbee' and the inspiration 'Only I can live forever'

Written for owluvr's Character Diversity Boot Camp using the prompt 'humiliate'

The War on Dolores Jane Umbridge

Dolores Umbridge sat in her extremely pink office, sipping her tea. Some parchment sat on the desk in front of her, signed by the Minister himself, Cornelius Fudge. She had written to him less than twenty-four hours ago, explaining a new situation that had arisen in the last few days.

As her small eyes brushed over the large scrawl once more, she leaned back in her chair, satisfied by what it said:


Thank you for making the Ministry aware of this situation. I have set Kingsley the task of sorting it out. Give him a few days, but your problem should be resolved by the coming weekend. I commend your involvement and interest with the students at Hogwarts. Everything seems to be running smoothly since you were assigned Headmistress. I will swing by in the next few days to take a look at the improvements myself.

In the meantime, continue to do whatever it is you are doing. You're doing a fine job.


Cornelius Fudge

Minister for Magic

The words were like gospel to Dolores. You're doing a fine job. I commend you...

She certainly was doing a fine job, if she did say so herself. When she had first arrived at Hogwarts, the students had been no better than the savages that lived in the Forbidden Forest. They'd misbehave in classes, would duel in the corridors and she even suspected some of them had a secret group for planning her downfall.

However, Dolores had put a stop to that. With the permission of her dear Cornelius, she had enforced rules that had not once been there. She had brought a new feeling to Hogwarts – one that she was rather proud of.

Hogwarts would have been no better than one of those filthy Muggle schools if she hadn't stepped in.

And now she was finally getting recognition for it.

There was still one problem, though. Fred and George Weasley – possibly the most troublesome two people she had ever had the misfortune to come across – had left the school, yet it seemed some had chosen to follow in their footsteps and cause trouble for her.

And it wasn't just the students. Teachers were also joining in small escapades in an attempt to rid the school of her. They thought she wasn't aware of it – but of course she was – and finally some action was being taken.

The leader was none other than the half-breed – the Centaur – Firenze. Given the post of Divination teacher after Dolores had rightfully sacked Sybil Trelawney, Firenze had taken to encouraging the students to misbehave for their Headmistress as much as possible. Students were now rallying to have the filthy half-breed as their Headmaster.

She had let it go on for a few weeks, but now she was sick of it. There could only be one Headmistress in the school and that was Dolores Jane Umbridge. Thankfully, the Ministry were now aware of the situation and would sort it out.

In the meantime, she would continue to reorganise the school after the poor attempt Albus Dumbledore had made. Whoever had said he was the greatest wizard of all time must have had Wrackspurts in their head, because as far as Dolores was concerned no great wizard would allow his students to run wild within the walls of Hogwarts.

When she had been a student there, even the slightest spark from your wand in the corridors would land you a month's detention. How she missed those days.

Satisfied that it would only be a matter of time before the Centaur was thrown back into the Forest where he belonged, Dolores left her office and made her way to the first floor. She cringed at the sight of the classroom Firenze had designed. What had happened to the chairs and tables?

The students were sitting on a forest floor, their backs resting against tree stumps and rocks.

Anger burned inside Dolores as she watched the Centaur whisper soothing words to the group of third years. Most had fallen asleep.

She'd have that thing out of that school as soon as possible and she'd banish the subject that was Divination. It didn't seem to matter who taught it, the students would still fall asleep.

"Ahem." She coughed loudly enough for the students to open their eyes and for Firenze to stop mid sentence and glance up at her. Dolores didn't miss the look of frustration that formed as he saw her.

She smiled fondly at him, not giving anything away just yet.

"A word, if you please?" she asked sweetly, her smile not faltering.

Firenze glanced back to his class. Students had woken from their slumber and were now watching their Headmistress and teacher with great interest. He shuffled on all four legs to the door and closed it with his back leg.

"Yes?" the Centaur asked bluntly.

Dolores smiled up at him. "I have come to inform you... sir that I have just received a reply from Cornelius Fudge and he has assured me that the little situation we have here will be dealt with, within the next few days. You can be sure that the little home you have made in this school will be short lived, because as soon as I get permission from the Minister, you will be out of here."

If the Centaur was shocked by the revelation he didn't show it. Dolores felt a little disappointed.

Firenze simply glared at her and then bowed his head in a mocking manner what angered Dolores even more. "Of course, Headmistress," he said.

Dolores pursed her lips. "This will be the end for you, Centaur – if it's the last thing I do! You're not stealing my job!"

Firenze shrugged his two large shoulders. "If popular opinion demands..."

"Popular opinion will not demand, you filthy half-breed!" Dolores cried. How dare he speak to her as if he was better than her! He was nothing but an animal – one that should never have been allowed out of the Forbidden Forest, let alone into the castle.

"I don't want your job, Dolores," Firenze continued calmly. "I am happy just teaching... now, if you will excuse me... I have a class to teach." He turned his back on her, his four legs clattering against the stone floor as he vanished back into the forest-like classroom.

Dolores was fuming. He had called her by her name! Her name!

That's it, she said to herself. That Centaur is out of here, even if it's the last thing I do!

She marched furiously back to her office, giving three students detentions for getting in her way.


Two days passed and as Dolores sat in her office, waiting for news from the Minister, the behaviour of the students – especially those who were close to the Centaur – became worse. Where was Shacklebolt? Wasn't he supposed to come and – as Cornelius had put it – 'sort it out'?

And where was Cornelius, himself? He had promised to come and see the school and the changes she had tirelessly made after the years Albus Dumbledore had spent as a below-average Headmaster.

Since their encounter on the first floor, Dolores had not bothered to see Firenze again. She didn't see the point when he'd refuse to listen to her the first time. However, she suspected that the Centaur had planned something to humiliate her and she was determined to find out what that was.

The students in the class Firenze had had when she had spoken to him were now giving her wide-eyed looks of amusement. It concerned her. She had obviously angered the Centaur and now he – the savage that he was – was plotting her downfall and including the students in it too.

She would not tolerate that kind of behaviour; she was a respected Ministry member – employed at Hogwarts by the Minister for Magic. She demanded respect... from everyone.

She would admit, though, the Centaur didn't show any fear and that was admirable in him. It was infuriating, but also admirable.

She'd never mention that to anyone, though.

On the morning the Minister was supposed to arrive, Dolores decided to take a walk around the castle, making sure everything was in order. Most students – save a few sixth and seventh years – were in class, learning the Ministry-approved courses.

She was rather proud of herself for implementing those. She didn't think the other teachers were all that impressed, but they also had no choice. She was Headmistress and she and Cornelius had brought what they saw as a more fitting learning guide.

Children were terrors when they used magic and there was no point in letting things get out of control. She was certain Harry Potter and his friends were using magic when she wasn't around – and she'd get to the bottom of that eventually – but at the moment, her main priority was ridding the school of the Centaur and impressing Cornelius.

As she patrolled the quiet corridors, fixing a shattered window here and adding a leg to a bench with three there, there was a loud screech from somewhere in the grounds.

Dolores froze mid spell – the broken door forgotten – and hurried back the way she had come. What could possibly have made such a horrible noise? The students were in class as far as she knew.

It was probably that oaf, Hagrid, frightening the students with one of his 'loveable' creatures. She'd have him out of Hogwarts too. What on earth had Dumbledore been thinking, employing such detestable creatures?

A Centaur was one thing, but to have a giant teaching the poor children... that was just asking for trouble.

Students had begun to file from the classrooms in search of the noise. Dolores hurried through the growing crowd and into the front courtyard.

"Excuse me, Finnegan; out of my way, Thomas," she said, exasperated as she was pushed and shoved as students banded together, pointing and whispering to something she couldn't see.

Before she had reached the front, a large cheering broke out and standing in the clearing was none other than the Divination teacher, Firenze and two red-haired boys she knew immediately to be the Weasley twins.

They're supposed to have left, she thought, shocked that two children had managed to break Ministry-standard protective enchantments. They had been designed specifically to stop Albus Dumbledore from getting back into the castle.

Fred and George Weasley were looking into the sky and as Dolores followed suit, she was taken aback by what she saw. There, above her, was a large, pink image of what she assumed to be her. She stifled an outraged cry. The last thing she needed was the twins knowing they had angered her – they had caused her enough grief as it was.

"How do you like it, Professor?" one of them questioned.

"Pretty accurate, don't you think?" the other one asked.

"We've been working on this for about a month and we thought we'd show you it, seeing as you were our inspiration."

The Dolores in the sky screeched loudly – almost sounding like a bird in pain. The students behind her sniggered.

Dolores pursed her lips and turned to the Centaur. "I bet you're behind this, aren't you?" she demanded of him.

Firenze stared blankly back at her, his body unmoving.

"Answer me, you half-wit!"

Before anyone could say anything, the picture above exploded, showering Dolores in bits of confetti. The school burst into loud cheers.

Fred and George Weasley beamed, each bowing to the crowd in turn. One of them then took out their wand and Summoned what Dolores instantly recognised as a Fanged Frisbee – one thing she had given many students detentions over for possessing them.

"Put that away!" she cried.

"Why, Professor?" the twin on the right asked. "We thought you loved them so much seeing as you took so many from the students." He swung the Frisbee towards her and Dolores let out a terrified cry. It was coming straight for her; it's teeth going right for her face.

Dolores turned and ran as the Frisbee chased her across the courtyard, much to the amusement of the students. She felt the fangs graze her hair.

"Detention, all of you!" she cried into the growing laughter. She took out her wand – still trying to avoid the Cursed Frisbee. "Finite Incantatum!" The Fanged Frisbee exploded where it was. The students once again cheered.

"Thanks for that lovely demonstration, Professor," one of the twins said. "We've tweaked a common joke object and made it our own."

"Alright, boys, you've had your fun. I think it's about time you left now."

Everyone – including Dolores – stared, dumbstruck at Firenze. One of the twins opened his mouth to argue, but closed it again.

Taking this as her chance to take control of the situation, Dolores removed the confetti that was still on her clothes with her wand. "You... you heard Professor Firenze," she said. "Off you go before I call the Dementors to take you to Azkaban. And everyone else back to class!"

Slowly, the students began to trudge back into the castle upon stern instructions from the other teachers. Why they had stood by and watched two known troublemakers disturb the rest of the school, Dolores had no idea, but Cornelius would be there in any moment and there was confetti all over the entrance.

She had to use every bit of control to not scream out in frustration.

"We hope you enjoyed the display, Professor," one of the twins said with an unkind grin, before the two of them left in the direction of Hogsmeade.

"Well, Dolores, I guess I'll be leaving you to clean up this mess," Firenze said. It was just the two of them left in the courtyard, now, after the other teachers had managed to get the rest of the school within the castle walls.

Dolores gave him a piercing stare. "The Minister will be here at any moment and when he arrives, the first thing I am doing is requesting he write a letter for your 'retirement' as Divination teacher."

Firenze merely bowed his head. "Very well, Dolores, but just so you know, I was not plotting your demise, nor did I encourage the students to do so. The affairs of humans have nothing to do with me. I was there to teach the students about the stars and that was what I did. Their apparent dislike for you seems to be your own doing." He lifted his eyes so they were staring directly into hers. "Farewell, Dolores."

Dolores watched as the four-legged creature walked through the large doors, staring dumbfounded after him. Strangely, it didn't annoy her anymore that he called her Dolores.

She'd still have him out of the school, though. Hogwarts was no place for creatures like him, especially ones who took pleasure in humiliating her in front of her students.


Dolores jumped at the new voice and looked to her right. "C-Cornelius," she stammered. "How lovely to see you."

It was near-impossible to do a love-hate relationship between Dolores and Firenze (which are the two characters I was assigned). This is obviously AU, but it was all I could do. And, it was meant to be kind of humorous and wasn't supposed to be taken seriously, so I hope you didn't take it seriously.

Please leave a review, I'd much appreciate it :)