This is a redo of one of my original Oneshots. The challenge at the time was 'I want to see Tony escape from being kidnapped by using an AI'
I have corrected several spelling mistakes, as well as removing or adding in more realistic segments. Hopefully you will find this update more enjoyable than the original.
Inevitably there will be mistakes with the languages, since Google Translate is terrible, and at the time I made this (2012) I likely hadn't researched enough to actually figure out how languages are structures.
Clint groaned as he opened his eyes- scanning his surroundings while his hand instinctively went to the growing lump on the back of his head.
His first thought was confusion, then the stirrings of anger. Had they really been captured that easily? Then again, who knew that tranquilizers affected Norse Gods.
His second thought was the dawning numb sensation, halfway between amusement and annoyance.
Clint blinked, lifting himself up off the too white, pristine ground. He blinked blearily, trying to make the bright walls stop burning his astute eyesight.
"Hey Hawkie! I wondered when you'd wake up!"
Tony spoke from where he leaned against a wall. His voice unusually perky, which said a lot considering how annoying his charm was in a normal setting.
Clint swung his neck around, nearly flinching when he saw the dirty soiled clothes that stuck out so sharply in contrast to the wall.
"Dang- what happened to you, Stark?" Clint groaned, his own voice sounding strained and gasping. He tried to rise to his feet, leaning against the wall for support.
It was Tony's turn to scoff, turning away to type on a computer. How had Clint not noticed the computer?
"Some angry girl scouts kidnapped us when we didn't buy the thin-mints- well not really us because Bruce is somewhere in India, and Thor is in New Mexico. Anyways- Natasha woke up a few hours ago, and Steve's been on normal doses for a while now." Tony nonchalantly responded, typing another line that meant nothing to Clint.
"And you?" Clint asked dryly, taking note when Tony's hand stilled on the keyboard.
"…You know- toxic gas and all…" His voice had gone slightly higher with stress.
Clint frowned, that wasn't normal for Stark.
Clint began the long awkward shuffle, each step rattling from his anklets.
"Tony- what are you making?" Clint asked low and carefully, eyes scanning across the lines and lines of codes; all numbers he couldn't understand.
"I- they want an AI." Tony responded, hands shaking slightly as he continued to type the code. His whole body was shaking.
Clint watched in silence.
It was (what Clint thought) days later when they calmed down enough to have civil conversations and not razor edged remarks about the room or airplane food.
Well, civil conversation was relative. They stopped insulting the very air, and began insulting the guards who appeared and vanished, taking the trays of slop (Their second favorite conversation piece) away.
Maybe an entire week of sitting in a plain white room with hard floors; it made a painful requirement to crack your back each day.
The code had lengthened into something long and complicated- Tony had tried to explain it to Clint, but after a near hour long rant about the voice recognition system, he zoned out and passed out on the floor.
Tony didn't try and explain anything about the code again.
Clint hated his hair.
There was a point his hair got to after a few days where it seemed someone had just poured a bucket of seal fat all over it- making it slick and rather disgusting looking.
Tony pointed it out, causing Clint to scowl and resist the urge to swat the billionaire as he continued to compare Clint's head with the 'underbelly of a wet beaver'.
It seemed in Clint's opinion, that Tony was steadily getting a better grip on the events that led to their capture- not showing the slightest bits of worry for the others.
(Clint wondered if the man had even considered that they were dead.)
It was Clint's training that hid his fear from Tony, Tony had no excuse.
At least- until the men came.
When the doors opened, it was four Latino looking men with large guns. They rushed into the room, all the while speaking in a hurriedly way. One pointed a gun at Clint before grabbing the archer's neck to throw him onto the white floor.
The other three forced Tony's head to the table. Clint could tell, mostly with the way Tony's eyes narrowed, that he was very annoyed.
Clint was startled to realize he was more annoyed than Tony. At least, he was when Tony started speaking in the same Hispanic language- maybe it was Spanish. Natasha had always been the language expert, Clint was proud of his passable Swedish.
The men released Tony, the man in question continuing to glare venomously. The guard holding Clint's throat released him to join his comrades and walk out, one keeping around long enough to spit a large glob of phlegm onto the ground.
"…Since when did you speak another language?" Clint muttered, still disgruntled; it didn't help when Tony's lips twitched ever so slightly.
"Portuguese. That was Portuguese, and I am very proud to inform you I speak Russian, Hindi, Spanish, French, German and another language called Kurghiz." Tony responded, smirking at Clint who snorted, looking away.
"Really? You expect me to-"
"Cerveau de poulet." Tony responded without delay, causing Clint to stare while Tony smirked at he assumed French insult.
"Clint- that is a fencing term. That practically isn't even French." Tony scoffed, lifting one eyebrow to Clint who pursed his lips, thinking.
Tony smirked, rotating around in his seat, somehow looking unimpressed despite the small ink stain just above his left eyebrow.
"Je sais plus que vous ne le pensez." Tony returned with such a grin it made Clint know he had been insulted in some way.
"Fine, French Boy. The other languages would be useful, but what the hell is Kurghiz?"
Tony's smile faltered ever so slightly, the happy mocking mood in the cell (As they now called it) darkened critically. Tony turned his back, speaking in a happy tone that Clint could tell was strained.
"Oh- you know. Met a guy, wanted to be able to speak with him in his real language." Tony shrugged, back to tense, and Clint knew he should really back away by now.
He wanted to slap himself when he pressed further- maybe hanging around Natasha broke all of his self preservation.
"What happened to him?"
Clint shifted uncomfortable, trying to find a way to reconcile the positive mood which was rapidly diminishing.
"How about Swedish?" Clint challenged, jutting his chin upwards. Tony turned, eyebrows raised in confusion as he observed the archer.
"Swedish?" Tony blinked, "You mean like, the country that eats rotting fish?"
Well, he did have a point.
"On behalf of Sweden," Clint started, pausing dramatically, "Jag ber om ursäkt."
Tony stared, then started laughing so hard he had to bend over, "You- you sound like you're choking on a hairball."
Clint preferred to think that Tony couldn't understand how awesome his accent was.
The men conversed again with Tony, the later throwing back what Clint could assume were witty comments or insults due to the trademark drawl.
The men snickered and after something Tony stated, they mentioned something about a "Señor Hammer."
Clint didn't know a Mr. Hammer. Then again, it could have been a Miss or Mrs. Hammer, his Spanish was never the best.
Wait, this was Portuguese.
It seemed Tony knew this man (or girl, or lady) because his eyes darkened; Tony rattled something out with a cold, unTony laugh, which made Clint subconsciously compare him to Natasha on the job.
Tony spat something vile, one of the men nailed him with the butt of his gun. Tony stumbled backwards, clutching his mouth where Clint saw blood drip through his fingers, something that suspiciously looked like a tooth fell out.
The white floor wasn't white anymore.
Clint grabbed Tony, holding him at bay while the billionare thrashed and screamed something between bloody spit takes. He screamed at the men as they took the computer out of the room.
Clint wasn't sure what Tony was shouting, it sounded rather creepy and morbid the way he screeched it like a banshee.
"Vamos matar voce!" Over and over.
Come to think of it- some mission in Brazil had signs with the word 'matar' plastered over them.
Come to think of it- Natasha had hissed a similar word countless times.
Come to think of it- Clint really didn't want to know.
It was maybe a few hours after they had their last visit, when the computer with the AI codes had been taken.
Tony left his mouth open and breathed through his nose for the blood to congeal around the hole where his left canine normally went.
In a peace offering, Clint found it and gave it to him quietly. Tony accepted it without a single expression, and placed it gently in his front left pocket.
(Clint guessed that he'd have it planted back in. If he couldn't plant that, he might use a metal to fuse it or something. Or Tony would buy a dental firm and have people researching for days to figure out a way. Or maybe Tony would get a real gold tooth- Clint never could be sure.)
The mood was apathetic and lethargic, Tony was facing a wall.
Clint had a persisting thick lump in his throat, his fear for Tasha and Steve was once again running rampant.
Tony had written the code for a fully functional AI.
The room was so quiet, it was causing Clint's ears to buzz with the phantom wound of too many flash bang grenades.
Until it wasn't, but the sound was very similar to another type of grenade.
Clint snapped his head around to Tony, already jumping to his shackled feet and preparing to cover his ally if necessary. Tony was biting his lower lip, looking remorseful and apologetic.
Why would he look apologetic?
"…Yeah Stark?" Clint asked tentatively. Very few times did Tony ever call him his real name. He generally just gave him a nickname relating to birds, feathers, or some insult to his eyes.
"Sorry about this- Bird Brain."
There it was.
"Sorry? About what?" Clint asked, mildly startled by the sudden proclamation. Something vibrated outside the cell, powerful shaking causing the desk near him to buckle and collapse. It nearly squashed him, forcing him to utter an unmanly squawk as he jumped out of the way.
"Hah! Knew you were part chicken!" Tony snickered, referring to the sound that Clint had made in his surprise.
The lights went out and more shouting was heard.
"Shut up Stark!"
"Gibt es jemand in der Nahe?" Tony responded, speaking in a thick accent that had Clint choking in surprise.
"Stark! No fair! You can't start speaking all European on me!"
"Shut up Cl-"
Before Tony could finish his hissed reply, a loud trademark factory buzzer rung, the red light above the door flashed green and the door unlatched.
Clint stared in shock. Tony easily jumped to his feet, stumbling through the green tinged dark room towards the door.
The door opened.
"You coming?" He asked, sounding terribly exhausted. Clint scrambled to get to his feet, staring at the door while doubt rose quickly.
"How is this possible? This is likely a trap, Stark."
"Sure, a trap that was constructed by me to open a door and lock everybody else out in a large power wide blackout. Beware, Vulture-breath, it may contain our escape." Tony spoke dryly, causing Clint to stare while Tony groaned in annoyance. He stormed out with Clint following closely, eyes noticing the doors which were- in fact- locked.
"How did you do this?" Clint asked breathlessly, glancing around while Tony shared a wolfish smirk.
"Like it? These idiots are the lackeys to Hammer- he always did hire the idiots. They plugged the AI in without scanning it or looking at my coding before- not that they'd see anything. Bunch of apes." Tony sniffed, taking a sharp left with Clint blinking in surprise.
"The hell? You have complete control of the base?"
"Yup- now shut up. Gibt es jemand in der Nahe?" Tony fired off, swapping back to an awkward German that causing Clint stare at him, shaking his head in disbelief.
The buzzer sounded again, a red light on their left flashing and causing Clint to jump.
"The Hell?" Clint hissed, hand moving to his waste where he normally had a gun, cursing when it wasn't there.
"Cool your feathers- it's the AI. I programmed it to help us, one beep for no, two beeps for yes. The base didn't have any speakers, but there are security cameras. It lip reads us and answers our questions, basic commands and the such." Tony shrugged, continuing down the hallway and frowning at the two locked doors.
"Wait- what did you ask it?" Clint asked in alarm, Tony rolled his eyes.
"I asked if there was anyone out here. It said no. Now I'm going to ask it where the Itsy Bitsy Spider and our Capsicle are." Tony stated slowly, acting as if Clint wasn't able to understand what he meant.
Smirking at Clint's scowl, he looked at the doors before speaking in the language again
"Wo sind Natasha Romanoff und Steve Rogers?" Tony asked, Clint's face lighting up as he recognized the German for what Tony actually said.
Another buzzer and the door on his left lit up, as well as the fourth door on the red with a pulsing light, Tony following quickly after the buzzing.
Clint rushed past, swinging the door open, ducking to avoid the punch he almost knew Steve would throw in the pitch darkness of the power outage.
"Cap! We're saving your frozen butt and it would help if you stop trying to knock us out!" Tony yelped, dodging a punch and gasping as he was suddenly on the ground, a knee pressed into his throat while blood red hair formed a curtain around his and Natasha's head.
"Well Natashalie- if you wanted me that ba-"
"Stop talking. We should move before the guards come back." Natasha spoke, leaping out and staring at Clint a few moments- their way of greeting each other after two weeks of near solitary confinement.
"So…err- should we go?" Steve trailed off, and Tony gave a snort, leaning against the wall.
"I've got this covered. Natasha- ask it the way." Tony smirked, amused by her slightly confused face.
"Where is the way out?" She responded, fully not expecting it to work, giving Tony a pointed look when it didn't.
Tony scowled, looking up at the ceiling and talking himself. "Выход?" He asked, a light at the end of the hallway lighting up.
"Shit- you actually do know Russian." Clint swore, running his hand through his disgusting hair in frustration as Natasha stared.
"Вы не знаете моего языка, она была бы в ярости, файлы" She shot off doubtingly with a thick accent. Tony jolted, staring at her in surprise and obvious shock.
"…What did she say?" Steve whispered to Tony, and Tony frowned, rolling his eyes.
"She said that I don't speak Russian, and it wasn't in Fury's files. Which I might say- I do know Russian and Fury get his one eye out of my business. The AI understands commands in Russian-"
"And German." Clint pointed out, Tony wincing as he noticed Steve stiffen slightly.
"…German?" He asked, voice clipped and Tony shrugged.
"I'm better with German, and there's always the risk that Russians were here too," Tony gave another awkward shrug, "James Bond taught me Russians are always involved."
"The movies must have taught you to be an alchoholic as well," Natasha dryly added, causing Tony to grin. Steve squinted before looking alarm.
"Stark! Your tooth!"
Tony blinked, before lighting up, "Oh! Yeah! I was pretending to be a vampire and these guys have a thick skull."
Clint shouldn't have laughed, but he did. A hysterical giggle as the realization that they were escaping set in.
Natasha turned and started walking.
Steve started to follow, and Clint fell back to walk with Tony, frowning with what just happened.
"What was that with Ger-"
"Steve fought Nazi's, Clint." Tony whispered, Clint blinked a few times before recognition hit him and they fell into a quiet silence.
They walked- eventually morphing into a slow run when the AI gave a warning beep. A man stumbled around the corner with a flashlight and a gun- Natasha took him down quickly.
She jumped off quietly and blinked impassively while Tony searched the body.
Tony slid the gun from the man's grasp,looked it over with a frown, and gently tossed it to Clint.
"FN F200 Belgium assault rifle. That'll give us a chance to get through the doors the AI cant. Your air as good with a gun, as a bow?"
Clint gave a scalding glare, "Best aim in SHIELD, idiot."
Tony gave a dry smile, "Good. That's Hammer tech, so it sucks." under his breath he murmured, "I'm going to kill that man."
Natasha found two pistols on the body, pulling out the decent weaponry and sliding them into the waistband of her pants.
They continued on- Tony taking a small break to find Steve's shield and Clint's bow, setting his suitcase suit on remote self destruct. Clint was missing his quiver, although finally having his custom bow did lighten his spirits.
Natasha kicked open the door, pointing the guns at the opening as it swung open. Bright sunlight blinded everyone temporarily, drawing an involuntary smile at the sudden warmth.
"Where are we?" Steve asked, finally regaining his vision. They looked around, sighing at odds.
A giant boat. A cheap replica of a Helicarrier, likely missing the whole flying ability.
"It's missing the 'Made in China' sticker." Tony seethed, looking personally offended by the quality.
"Somewhere along South America." Clint quickly clarified, looking at the location of the sun and feeling the heat, "It could be just off shore, or hundreds of miles."
Tony sighed, "Just our luck, eh squad?"
After a few dozen dead (courtesy of Natasha and her impressive thighs) Tony stood inside the control room. The AI lit up the work space with yellow tinged lighting.
"Just find our location, Stark." Natasha crisply stated. Tony rolled his eyes, but his fingers flew over the naval keyboard and the aesthetically not pleasing sound of crunching buttons. Connecting to Jarvis was simple, once he had the ability to. Regretfully, the technology was too primitive to actually start a audio link to his long time AI, it may give Jarvis a virus.
"…AI- contact Justin Hammer." Tony ordered coolly.
Natasha spun, eyes narrowing while Clint looking at him in surprise.
"The hell? Stark- what are you doing?" Clint demanded, and Tony said nothing, glaring at the screen as a video link popped up.
It was pixilated and Clint felt like he was getting a virtual STD.
Justin Hammer, maybe in the Bahamas according to the blue water and tropical drink, looked embarrassingly sunburst and horrified.
"2 weeks. You held us captive for two weeks, Hammer."
Hammer swallowed, and jerked his chin up in a poor attempt of looking impressive.
"And you built me an AI. Not so smart now, Stark."
"I hacked into your mainframe, causing my AI to take control of your entire base of operations Hammer. Next time you want to keep me captive, don't hire idiots." Tony stated calmly, and he faintly heard Clint whisper 'Passive aggressive!'
"…And there you ar-"
"Having a Quinjet pick us up in three minutes. If you ever mess with us again, Hammer, there won't be enough for a coffin to hold you- but we don't have to do that, do we?" Tony growled, ignoring the exchanged wary glances from his fellow Avengers.
"Try it and your little secretary gets i-"
"Uberschreiben der Laptop." Tony growled, Justin on the other side letting out an unmanly shriek as he turned- phone giving a slight view of a smoking and combusting laptop- screen flickering before going black.
Oh, if Hammer was in charge of this operation, he'd have a link to the boat from his laptop. The AI would have already infected it. as well as the phone Hammer was holding.
Clint kinda wanted to see that explode too.
"Stark! What did you d-"
"One button and I can destroy your entire stock inventory, all business partners, mysteriously make you lose all money, and sell your homes to charity. What will it be, Hammer?" Tony asked, still deathly calm which made the ones behind him more wary- Steve resisted the urge to back out of the room.
Hammer stared before ending the call. Tony turned to look at the rest of his Avengers before throwing a lopsided grin and waltzing out.
"Now- we can go home."