Disclaimer: I don't own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Darkwing Duck. Buffy belongs to Whedon, and Darkwing belongs to Disney. No money made.
A/N: This one is in no way related to the series I have going that's a Buffy/Darkwing crossover that begins with The Building Blocks of Good and Evil. That being said, this is set within Buffy S4. Just supposed to be a little funny piece. Anyhow, please enjoy!
That's Why They Call It Duck Tape
"You've got to be kidding me," Buffy groaned, leaning in the threshold of Giles' apartment.
"Let me outta here! When I get free, I'll tear you all limb from limb!" cried the duck tied to the chair.
Yes. Sitting the center of Giles's living room, dressed in what Buffy could only describe has half a black, red, and yellow zoot suit, matched with a wide-brimmed fedora hat, was a duck. Anthropomorphic, according to Xander, which just meant to Buffy that he moved and talked like a human—but was still unquestionably a duck. And he had been shouting threats at them from the moment he had awoken form his forced, Buffy-related nap.
"I'm afraid it's true," Giles said, lifting his glasses and rubbing his eyes as his face remained downward toward the tome he had in his hands. "If the fear demon you destroyed is, in fact, destroyed, it summons another creature of chaos from another dimension."
Xander snorted, pointing toward the wriggling duck. "Creature of what now?"
"He did have a chainsaw and seemed more than willing to use it when I found him," Buffy said.
Xander raised a brow at his friend. "Where did he get the chainsaw?"
"From somewhere inside his cape," the slayer answered, and Xander didn't seem as amused anymore as he turned to stare at the duck.
"As soon as I'm free, you freaks will all bow before Lord Negaduck!" their captive feathered friend shouted.
Willow took the tome from Giles, flipping to nearly the back. After a few moments, she pointed to a passage near the bottom of the page.
"Here it is. I knew I saw a spell that would work in here somewhere. I'll get to work," she said.
Negaduck yowled again, followed quickly by a deep growl. "You will all tremble before the terrible terror of my triumph!"
Giles curled up his nose. "Alliteration? Really? Seems a bit melodramatic, doesn't it?"
Negaduck craned his neck as far as he could to snarl at the Watcher.
"What're gonna do about it, Jeeves?" He turned back to Buffy, glaring at her just as hard as possible. "I don't know how you're so freakishly strong, blondie, but when I get out of this chair, you're gonna wish you'd never been born!"
Buffy shook her head as Willow began to draw symbols in chalk on the floor. The slayer took a couple of steps forward, leaning down so that she was eye level with the duck.
"And what are you gonna do about it? Quack at me? I broke your little chainsaw, remember?"
Negaduck laughed, grinning a snake's grin. "Honey, that's just the tip of what I've got with me."
Xander stood up, moving a bit closer to Buffy.
"Maybe you shouldn't antagonize him, Buffy," he muttered.
Buffy ignored him. "Oh, yeah? Anything in there for roasting?"
Negaduck chuckled. "Exactly what I was thinking."
"Guys, I know it's tradition to have turkey, but how would everyone feel about duck this year for Thanksgiving?"
Negaduck flailed uselessly against the ropes. "Ha! You wish! This town will be rubble beneath my feet! Fire and destruction everywhere!"
Buffy leaned upright, shaking her head. "Do you ever talk about anything else?"
Meanwhile, Willow was finishing up her symbols, laying the book just at the outside of the pentagram. Negaduck shook and struggled and huffed. Buffy rolled her eyes.
"You aren't getting out of those ropes. I made sure of it," she said.
Negaduck growled, smacking his feet against the floor. "You'll all be nothing but a distant memory by the time I get done! Send me back home, but I'll be back! You can be sure of that!"
Willow began to chant, while Buffy picked up the chair and moved it so that he sat across from the red-haired witch. The slayer leaned down, stopping where a normal person's ears might be.
"You're about to be sent back over the rainbow, Dorothy," she chuckled.
"No! No, I'll be back! You just wait! I'll sweep through this miserable town like a storm!"
But the spell was already beginning its work as a portal seemed to open right beneath the chair. Buffy stepped back, watching as it grew wider and wider—all the while Negaduck still shouting idle threats—until duck and chair finally fell through. Willow stopped chanting, and Buffy shook her head.
"God, I thought he'd never shut up," she muttered.
Willow stood up and dusted the chalk from her pants. "Maybe that's why we all instinctively call it "duck" tape."
Buffy giggled. "Sure wish we had had some."
Giles raised a brow. "I do."
All eyes in the room turned to rest upon the watcher. He shrugged.
"You didn't ask."