I, Jade...this is the story of the bed I made
We all make stupid mistakes. Some more than others. Some when young, others when older. But I was neither a some nor an other. I was in a category all on my own. One stupid mistake which dictated my whole life. One mistake. Who does that? I mean seriously WHO does that? Looking back I'd like nothing more than to stop my seventeen year old self from that fall. From that that moment. The moment I fell. How stupid was I?
It was all sweet talks, charm and comfort to begin with. Or so I thought. But each sweet talk had a threat behind it, each charm was covering the reality of the situation, and the comfort? The trips to the hospital confirmed them. I was a kid, a stupid kid, at seventeen how much do we really know about the world? All I knew was that she had gone. Walked away. Left us alone. All alone. Without a care. She had bought it all on herself. It was her doing. Nope, no-one was to blame but Son herself. I wouldn't make those mistakes. I was different. I was better. But I was wrong. How wrong, I learnt very quickly.
Maybe I shouldn't have spent the afternoon with Adam, then things would be different. I wouldn't have gone through that. Rookie mistake. It could have been Anna for all that matters, the result would have been the same. The fact that it WAS Adam just aided the inevitable. That was the first time I was put in hospital. The first time I really came to know what it felt to be scared. At seventeen. Frightened. Truly alone. And so it began.
He apologised, sweet talked, charmed and comforted me, told me it was him. Not me. He couldn't bear the thought of sharing me. But soon I began to apologise. Sweet talks became attacks. Charm became anger. I comforted myself. He told me it was all me. My fault. Look what I had done. Me. All me. Sometimes I would smile and pay the price. Others I'd get dressed and pay the price. But mostly just one look would do it. I'd be on the floor crouched up. Knowing what was coming. Trying to shield myself. Why? Need there have been a reason? I was there, then, right there. That's why. This had become my life.
But then things changed, I decided enough was enough. I was never going to be made to feel like that again. I was never going to crouch in the corner rocking myself. I was not going to allow myself to get hurt. I was alone. But this time through choice. For a long time this felt right. No strings, no emotion, no pain. No strings, no emotion, no pain. No strings, no emotion, no pain. But life isn't that easy. He did not make it easy. At first I resisted. It was an urge, just an urge I told myself. Scratch that itch and be done with it. Try the friends with benefits and be over it. But the urge grew. The Itch persisted and the benefits manifested. I was falling into my own trap. Was this really happening. Had I fallen in Love?
Things don't turn out the way we imagine. Newsflash Life is the biggest thing at doing that. Mine did. I went from a seventeen year old kid who made a stupid mistake. One mistake that cost me much, to today. Sat in my own house, on my own two feet, wrapped in the warmth of my family, comforted by friendsthat actually care. And the love of a man. The man. My man. He who told me it was ok to rely on someone. He who makes me feel safe. Safe. How truly beautiful it feels.
All I know is that
I jade, and this is the bed I made.