Disclaimer: Young Justice © DC / Warner Bros. - Full disclaimer on my profile.
Summary: "Is this a competition? Is Lagoon Boy competing with Superboy for 'most attractive when shirtless'? I think you're actually giving the guy a run for his money." Oneshot; based on a drawing by captainjerkface (Tumblr). Crack-ish. Ft. La'gaan, Cassie, M'gann, Karen, Barbara, Stephanie and Conner. Pre-"Depths".
Rated: T for the YJ girls being unabashed fangirls, and Conner and La'gaan being...well, Conner and La'gaan.
A/N: This is how desperate I am to avoid homework. Which is sort of depressing.
Inspired by a drawing of La'gaan as a model by captainjerkface on Tumblr. (Girl look at dat body.) I love La'gaan – he actually reminds me a bit of a cross between season one Roy and season one Conner but, uh, fishier and lighter.
Features Stephanie Brown because reasons (I refuse to believe that she won't appear on YJ:I sooner or later). I don't even know what I'm doing any more. I pretty much finished and uploaded this at 2am so what is characterisation and how do you write successful humour and please don't take this crack too seriously please.
In the words of the wise Oswin Oswald: "Pop your shirt off, quick as you like. … Does there have to be a reason?"
When I Walk On By
Barbara Gordon was a detective. Her father was a detective; her mentor was a detective; her little brother and best friend were detectives. It was the sort of thing that you absorbed by osmosis, being a Bat. So when she heard camera noises drifting from Cassie Sandsmark's room at the Cave, it was only natural for her to grab the crook of Karen Beecher's arm and drag her off on a tangent to investigate.
What she hadn't expected to find, however, was Lagoon Boy lounging on Cassie's bed in a vaguely suggestive manner in nothing but a pair of boxers, with Cassie kneeling by the far wall with a camera in hand.
Bumblebee and Batgirl's joint voices were enough to elicit synchronised yelps from both Wonder Girl and Lagoon Boy – Cassie fumbled with the camera, dropping it but rescuing it moments before it burst spectacularly against the hardwood floor; La'gaan released a strangled squeak as he started in alarm and subsequently managed to tumble right off of the bed. Cassie winced exaggeratedly and hurried over to the mess of scaly limbs.
"I'm fine, I'm fine, minnow, it's noth-" With Batgirl and Bumblebee still watching incredulously from the hall, La'gaan swatted Cassie's hand away impatiently and moved to push himself off of the floor.
His hand skidded. He crashed to the floor again. Cassie muttered something dark under her breath and grabbed his wrist anyway, yanking the Atlantean to his feet (where he swayed a little unsteadily) as if he weighed nothing. She peered at his head and blinking eyes. "Er, you sure you haven't got a concussion or...?"
"Never mind that!" Batgirl stepped into the room with her hands resting on her hips; she turned to Lagoon Boy with eyes as cold as ice and shot an accusing finger at him. "You! You have a girlfriend! And you, Cass?! I thought you knew better than -"
"Hey, hey, hey! Batgirl, stop!" Biting her lip, Cassie held up her hands beseechingly. "L-look, it's not what it looks like, okay?"
"Uh, Batgirl?" Karen tapped on Batgirl's shoulder, one eyebrow raised. "You might wanna take a second look..."
After firing a searching look behind her at the young scientist, Barbara once again glance at the be-
Was that a surfboard on the bed?
"No, Batgirl, Bee, you see -" Wonder Girl took a deep breath, catching Batgirl's attention again. "See, you know how La'gaan's usually walking around in just shorts? Well, I said, I said he could be a swimsuit model, see, and he said – he said he'd never had the chance to be a model, and I said, why not now? And I had a camera handy so thought, why not? And then – and you walked in, and it's all completely platonic, I swear -"
"What she said," La'gaan piped up a little bit faintly, planting himself back on the bed. A second look revealed that what Batgirl had mistaken for boxer shorts were, indeed, swimming trunks.
Arms crossed, Karen and Batgirl exchanged twin glances as they silently debated on whether or not the excuse passed muster.
(Truth be told, now that Cassie pointed it out, La'gaan did suit shorts rather well, especially when you took the time to notice the stretch of lean, ocean-green, tattoo-marked muscle above them.)
"Can -" Cassie swallowed, holding up the camera. "Can we get on with the photoshoot now, or...?"
Bee and Batgirl sighed.
"Sure, Cass," Batgirl conceded.
Cassie beamed at her and immediately whirled around to capture a reclining La'gaan by the surprise with the lens flash. "Ooh, I like this one. The innocent look. Like, 'I was just resting off a concussion and the camera went off, I'm not a model, I swear'."
Karen peered at the camera screen from behind Cassie. "Girl, since when have you been a photographer?"
"Diana's sister's teaching me."
"Wonder Woman has a -"
"Hey, La'gaan, stretch out a little – throw back your head."
La'gaan obliged, and looped his arms above his head around the surfboard behind him. Cassie took three more photographs.
"Honestly, La'gaan, why aren't you a swimsuit model yet?"
La'gaan raised his eyebrows at Wonder Girl. "Atlantis doesn't exactly have models...and most land dwellers probably wouldn't appreciate this -" He gestured to the length of his scaly body. "- on account of, uh -"
"Oh, oh! That you look like someone from one of those old black-and-white swamp thing movies?" Cassie remarked cheerfully, snapping a shot of La'gaan with this thumbs hooked into the waistband of his swimming trunks.
"Uh. Yeah. That."
"Guys, what're you -" As if out of nowhere, Spoiler's head materialised in the doorway – and she whooped. "You guys didn't tell me you were having a party! Where's my invite?"
La'gaan, for his part, had no shame, stretching luxuriously so that his muscles rippled under his green scales. "Hey, it's free screening. Take a seat."
Stephanie settled quite comfortably against the wall and pulled her Spoiler mask and hood down. "Is this a competition? Is Lagoon Boy competing with Superboy for 'most attractive when shirtless'? I think you're actually giving the guy a run for his money."
(For a moment, Karen could swear that she heard heavy footfalls grind to a halt outside of Cassie's bedroom door – but when she glanced around the door frame, the hallway was empty.)
La'gaan seemed to be fighting a smug smile. "Well, there's plenty more of me to go around." He lifts one foot onto the bed, one knee in the air, in a pose that would have been very easy to mock if not for that he were wearing nothing but swimming trunks.
And suddenly, the room was occupied by a very pink-cheeked Martian girl who's amber eyes were very fixed on a certain Atlantean's abdominal muscles.
Funny how only now did La'gaan become shy, suddenly donning an expression that Cassie suspected would mean he would blush if he could, red eyes widening. What if, like Karen and Batgirl she though -
"I, er, um -" He straightened abruptly into a sitting position. "AngelfishIswearnothingishappeningbetweenCassandmei t'sjustshesaid -"
Meanwhile, M'gann had gone from blinking at La'gaan's bare chest and had glanced over Cassie's shoulder at the screen of the camera, smirked and cut off La'gaan's babbling: "I think these're great pictures. You should be a model, La'gaan."
La'gaan blinked, then released a sigh of relief. "So...you're okay with this?"
"Why wouldn't I be? You're great at it."
(Of course, during her days with Conner she'd grown pretty used to other people ogling her boyfriend – after some trials, but that's another story.)
La'gaan visibly relaxed, leaning back against the bed with an arm around the surfboard, holding her eyes meaningfully. "Then stay as long as you like, Angelfish. 'Course, this is just the preview. I'm saving the main feature for you later."
Six heads snapped around in unison to the doorway at the new voice, and six jaws dropped in unison at the sight of a very shirtless Superboy standing there with an expression of surprise that was just a little bit too exaggerated. M'gann's blush noticeably deepened.
"Sorry," Conner said brusquely, rubbing his neck as if embarrassed (incidentally flexing his arm muscles in the process). "I...didn't hear you guys in here. What's going on?"
Doesn't Conner have super-hearing...? Cassie wondered, the train of thought quickly derailed by the sudden, high levels of shirtlessness contained within one room. La'gaan, however, had adopted a steely gaze and stood up from the bed to stand in front of Conner with his back ramrod straight. Conner and La'gaan glared at each other for a moment.
"It's kind of cold today," Conner said stiffly, crossing his arms over his chest. "You might want to put a shirt on."
La'gaan mirrored Conner's pose. "I can deal with the cold, chum. It's you who should be putting on a shirt."
("I'll take the photo if you can get them to kiss," Steph whispered theatrically to Cassie, who snorted obnoxiously behind her hand. Conner tuned it out.)
"Tell you what, chum." Shoving the surfboard aside, La'gaan narrowed his eyes threateningly. "If you're so desperate, why don't you get your own modelling session instead of muscling in on others?"
Before Conner could respond, Stephanie wolf whistled and pulled a five dollar bill from her pocket to wave in the air.
"YEAH, TAKE IT OFF!"
La'gaan and Conner rounded on her as one.
Far from discouraged, Stephanie looked ready to catcall again – with a look, Batgirl and Bumblebee quickly agreed on the best course of action and began to muscle Stephanie and Conner from the room quickly as possible as M'gann and Cassie watched with open mouths. (Muscling a Kryptonian out of a room was no easy feat, and required quite a few practised Batglares and patented Beeglares.)
"Le-et's just, uh, leave them to the modelling session, shall we?" Batgirl said pointedly, manhandling them until they were in the hallway and depressing the button to close the door behind her with her elbow.
Conner shook her off with a "hmph", giving Batgirl and Bumblebee dirty looks and striding away down the corridor.
After blinking after Conner's flexing back muscles for a moment, Steph groaned and threw her hands up.
"Baa-aa-aabs!" She moaned. "We probably just missed the best shirtless superhuman wrestling match in history!"
A/N: Conner doesn't like his status as Chief Nipple Barer challenged.
I saw that drawing of model!La'gaan and couldn't resist writing this, and somehow it turned into an ogling session with La'gaan as the main feature and then for some reason Stephanie A-Robin-No-Matter-What-DC-Says Brown cameoed (and Donna got a passing mention because she's probably off Troia-ing in another city or something) and then Conner got involved... Long story short, I need psychiatric help, this fanfic is a mess and my schoolwork is still sitting there unfinished.
I may or may not have taken cues from gabzilla-z's (Tumblr) stripper!Dick fan art when it came to Steph.
I don't actually ship Angelfish, but since it's currently canon and this is crack-y...yeah. (I honestly believe they care for one another, but that La'gaan holds more romantic feelings towards M'gann than she does towards him. Poor La'gaan.)