Title: Five buttons on the Destiny that should never be pushed
Author: Shenandoah Risu
Rating:
PG-13
Content Flags: talk of dangerous topics and taboos
Characters: Darren Becker, Matthew Scott, Chloe Armstrong, Nicholas Rush, David Telford, The Destiny Crew
Word Count: 879
Summary: Welcome to the Destiny! Feel free to roam and explore the ship. Avoid the following situations at all costs.
Author's Notes: Written for prompt set #155 at the LJ Comm sg1_five_things.
Disclaimer: I don't own SGU. I wouldn't know what to do with it. Now, Young... Young I'd know what to do with. ;-)
Thanks for reading! Feedback = Love. ;-)

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Five buttons on the Destiny that should never be pushed

Welcome to the Destiny! We hope you enjoy your time onboard while someone uses your body back on Earth to visit with friends and family. Feel free to roam and explore the ship. Heed posted warning signs: we still have a few leaks. Unless they look terribly busy or an obvious crisis is in progress, get to know the people onboard – we all enjoy meeting new friends. That said, there are a few topics that are taboo, so avoid the following situations at all costs:

Don't ever talk to Darren Becker about cooking shows.

Surely you can appreciate that Becker has one of the toughest jobs around here. He started his kitchen with only two ingredients – water and protein powder – but since then we've expanded our culinary variety quite a bit. You'll probably be a bit appalled at the stuff we eat here, but you know what, you eat what you get. We can't afford to be choosy. Darren is doing the very best he can, and he's doing a fantastic job feeding some 80 hungry mouths on a daily basis. Never mind all the fancy TV chefs with their abundant supplies of ingredients – what Becker does here is nothing short of miraculous, so don't rub it in that our food doesn't live up to your Food Network standards.

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Don't ever ask Lt Scott about how the space suits work.

He almost died the first time he had to wear one and chop ice on a really nasty planet because we were desperately short of drinking water. Scott fell into a crevasse and got stuck there and tore a hole into his space suit. He almost died, and Colonel Young nearly killed himself trying to rescue him. So now we try to keep him out of EVA duty as much as possible since that thing still gives him nightmares. He does his share, mind you, because he's just such a trooper, but please don't remind him. He might have a panic attack on the spot.

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Don't ever talk to Chloe about the "Alien" movie series.

It doesn't matter how often you read in her file that Ellen Ripley is one of her role models. Remember, she wrote that before she got stuck on the Destiny. Since then she's had to watch herself die on a time-traveling kino when an alien squid-like creature burst out of her chest – just like in the movie. She threw up then, and chances are if you mention it to her she'll toss her cookies again right away. Not that we get a lot of cookies here, but you get my drift. Not only was she killed by aliens (twice! The other time was by alien microbes), she was also abducted and experimented on by another bunch which we call Blueberries, even though their real name is of course the Nakai. Chloe and aliens just don't mix, so please, for the sake of whoever is on mopping duty today, don't go there.

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Don't ever talk to Rush about playing chess.

Yes, you're right, he was the one who made Destiny's one and only chess set. Well, okay, he didn't make all of it – he started the whittling and then some unknown person (or persons) secretly finished it. And that rubs him the wrong way. As if that weren't enough for some reason he keeps losing every match. We were all stunned when Colonel Young beat him on the first try. Nobody has managed to beat Lisa yet, not even Destiny! Rush knows how smart he is, but getting beat at chess must be tough on any resident genius, therefore don't upset this particular applecart and ask someone else to play with you. Try not to challenge Dr Morrison, if you can help it, as he's a sore loser as well.

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Don't ever talk to Telford about sex

Telford and sex of any kind in one sentence are BAD news. First he had to do whatever Kiva dreamed up in her demented head when he was still in her employ and thoroughly brainwashed. Then Colonel Young used his body (with his consent) for a conjugal visit with his wife, and Telford promptly got the hots for her afterwards. Scuttlebutt is he's still bonking her, but she and the Colonel are divorced now, so it's okay. But then Telford got stuck on a Seed Ship with the Ursini, who were a bunch of awfully cute and apparently promiscuous aliens, and, being quite the stud muffin, Telford got a terrific workout for months. He vehemently denies it, of course, and it always puts him in a state of depression when someone mentions alien sex. We think he's still in withdrawal and he misses them very much. You don't want to make the man cry, it's not pretty.

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Just about everyone here has a button you shouldn't push, but those are the most important ones. Please remember – you get to go back to Earth when your time is up but we're stuck here with each other and have to deal with the fallout of your visit.

Other than that, play nice and don't run with scissors. We only have one pair left.

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Thanks for reading! A comment or feedback would be lovely.

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