A/N So this story might be a one shot might not but basically it's about Jason Todd giving up on life. If I do decide to continue it, then the most likely thing is that it's going to be a Jay/Dick slash but it might not. So stick around if you want but if it's not in your interest than don't read. Oh and if you happen to be reading my other story than don't worry I'm still continuing those too.
I feel cold. I haven't felt this cold since that night. The night I died, the night I lost everything. I can still remember it perfectly, almost like as if it were just yesterday but it wasn't. It happened five years ago but the memory is still clear in my head. It haunts me and no matter how hard I try I always wake up screaming in a cold sweat. I would never admit it but I'm scared. I want my old life back but that's impossible. I've done so much harm; they would never take me back. Already, the old man has replaced me with another. Tim Drake, I think is his name. It doesn't matter; really, to me he'll always be a fucking replacement. I remember trying to kill him once. I don't regret it but even if I did, I know they would never forgive me anyways.
That might be a lie. Maybe they would. No, now I'm just getting my hopes up. They won't forgive me. They don't love me. I've broken all the rules. I shouldn't even be doing this last act of attention but I am and it's selfish, I know but really can you blame me? They left me to die once, why not again. Except this time it'll be on my own terms. There won't be a bloody crowbar involve. No, it'll be cleaner as clean as it can get with a bullet. Guns, huh? They make everything easier.
I can feel the tears building behind my helmet under my mask but no I can't set them free, not yet. I don't even remember the last time I cried. It was so long ago. I think that it was when I found out that Bruce valued the Joker's life more than mine. He let that crazy bastard live and God how it hurts to know. To know that Joker took me away from him and what did he do? Nothing! It makes my teeth clench and throat tighten with the disappointment. I feel my heart stop for a second before it begins its rapid movement all over again. The blood mixed with the adrenaline is rushing through my body. I'm beginning to have second thoughts but I know I have to carry this out. I've already started and now there's no turning back. Not like I have much of a choice anyways, they'll be here any minute. They won't let one of their own die, at least not one who hasn't crossed the line yet.
I hear a groan and know that my guest has awakened. I turn my head to look at him, Red Robin, tied and gagged on the floor next to me. He has fear and anger written all over his face. He's trying his best to hide it but after the last time we fought, he knows the odds aren't in his favor. I almost feel bad for him and in fact I would if he weren't my replacement. This really isn't his fault. He too is a victim of the circumstances. He was never supposed to be Robin but Bruce had to come into his life. I wouldn't be surprised if he got him killed too.
I almost regret kidnapping him on his patrol but there was no other way to get the other two bats' attention. They're probably even bringing the demon spawn with them. He'd never miss out on a fight. Little brat, too bad he's going to be disappointed; there will be no fight tonight. Not this time, not any more. It all ends here. I'm the only loose end in this fucked up family and that has to be taken care of.
Tim squirms next to me; I can't help but feel the urge to spit in his direction. I don't but the feeling is still there. Really I don't know why he took my place. He's clearly the weakest of us all, even weaker than the ten year old demon spawn. It's disgraceful but I'm not one to talk. I'm the biggest failure of the family. From this alley, I can already feel the vibrations of the batmobile. It's coming. It's getting closer but not quite here yet. Under my leather gloves, my palms are sweaty. Preparing myself, I grab hold of my pistol. It's completely loaded just in case they try to stop me. A breeze blows and I can feel its midnight freshness through my helmet. The dark surrounds me and within minutes it'll consume me once again.
I'm sitting next to Bruce…no he's Batman right now and I'm Nightwing. Robin is trailing behind us on the R-Cycle. I can't keep still. My legs are trembling and my lip quivering. Jason…no Red Hood has gone too far this time. He's taken Tim…Red Robin from us. What does he want with him? Is it possible that he wants to kill him? No we won't let him. We'll get there on time. We are not losing another member of this family. Not again, not ever.
"How much longer?" I ask, losing my patience. I can't keep a straight face and I know Batman notices. Underneath his mask, I know he's filled with dread too. He's just better at hiding it than me. He's always been better at keeping things bottled up and stored away. He's like some freaking filing cabinet. And sometimes that just makes me mad, that he won't show it. It's infuriating, because I don't understand why he never expresses himself.
"Two minutes," Batman says in gruff voice. God how I hate that voice. I understand why he uses it but I don't get why he uses it with us his family when no one else is around. The cowl, really, is no excuse. This is his entire fault. Why did he have to let Tim go on patrol by himself? Didn't he know he wasn't ready yet? Now I'm just lying to myself. Bruce didn't know this would happen. Nobody could have known. Tim, like the rest of us, has received the same training and is now eighteen years old. He is perfectly capable of protecting himself but when it comes to Red Hood, something changes in him. He loses control, fear takes over, and he completely shuts down.
What Jason did to him completely scarred him. We were just lucky he left him alive just inches away from death. I know that if Jason really wanted to he would have killed him before. It wouldn't have been that hard, he's killed before. He's already programmed it into his mind, but sometimes he can be very impulsive. That's what scares me. What if this time, out of anger, he lashes out and doesn't stop. What if he takes Tim away from us for good? I don't think I could live with that. I don't think Bruce would let Jason live. He'd hunt him down like a wild animal and I'd have no choice but to stand and watch.
Right now I'm scared. I'm scared for Timmy. I'm scared for Jason, even. But overall, I'm scared for Bruce. What if this is it? What if this is the final confrontation? I've always tried to give Jason the benefit of the doubt but if it comes down to another fight will I be able to save him or worse yet stop him?
I see my first son have an inner panic attack beside me. Now is not the time for comfort. I have to save my third son from the hands of my second. Looking at the GPS tracker on Red Robin's belt my eyes open wide behind the cowl at where he is. Quickly I swerve the car to the left and into Crime Alley. "Out now!" I yell to Dick. We jump out of the car together. Robin quickly pulls over and does the same.
We stand next to each other prepared for anything.
"Jason!" I yell out in my most intimidating voice.
For a moment I hear nothing and I see Damian pulling out his pair of night vision goggles. Then from deeper in the alley I hear him respond, "Glad to see you could make it." His voice sounds different. It's not snarky or aggressive as usual. I can't quite decipher it yet.
"Where's Red Robin?" I hear Dick ask.
"Oh am I not good enough for you Dickie-Bird, I'm hurt," he says in his usual sarcastic voice but then it changes suddenly. "I've never been good enough for any of you right Bruce?" Before I or anyone else can reply, Jason adds, "He's right here." He gestures to the ground next to him. And right there in the shadows is Tim. Then Jason does something that really surprises all of us. He bends down and unties Tim. He immediately runs to our side without hesitation.
"What are you doing?" I find myself asking. Jason has always been unpredictable but this time it is just what it appears…unpredictable. He's never taken someone and then just freely handed them over.
Jason grunts and takes a step forward. Dick and Damian immediately take their stance which only causes Jason to force out a small laugh. It's unreal and sounds painful. "Don't worry," his voice is filled with sorrow, "I'm not going to hurt you."
Narrowing my eyes behind the cowl, I notice Jason's body is relaxed, resigned. He's not going to harm us. At least not yet. "Then what are you going to do?" I ask.
Jason does not answer in words; instead he raises his arms to his head and takes off his helmet, followed by ripping off his mask. And there they are. Two green blue eyes filled with tears.
"Jay what are you doing?" Dick asks, taking a step forward but Jason immediately steps back and grabs his gun.
I reach for a batarang and prepare to throw it. I see Damian and Tim do the same but we all come to halt when we see that the gun is not aimed at Dick but at Jason himself. He has it pointed at his temple.
"I'm doing what's right for once," he says directly at me. The first tear streaks down his cheek and I can't help but feel scared. This is not what I expected to arrive to. I expected a fight as usual. Not Jason apparently assaulting himself.
I see Dick try to step forward again but he stops when he sees Jason tighten his grip on the gun. "Jay," Dick pleads, "why are you doing this? Please put the gun down."
"I'm sorry," Jason says and for a moment I think I heard wrong. Jason never apologizes. "But I have to do this."
"Do what, Todd?" Damian speaks. "Kill yourself? Fine go ahead and do it. It'll save us a heck of a lot of trouble." I want to slap Damian but right now I have to focus on saving Jason.
"Damian," I speak calmly "Go home."
"What?" he asks bewildered.
"Now!" I yell and he gets the message. He turns on his heels and jumps on his R-Cycle. "Tim, go with him," I order and he doesn't need me to repeat it. He grabs the spare helmet and hops on behind Damian. They drive away.
I see the two youngest bats drive away and almost forget what I'm doing. Then it all comes back to me when Dick takes another step forward. "Jaybird," he starts, "please put the gun down. Why are you doing this?"
"Because it's the fucking right thing to do!" I yell at him and he's taken aback. "Think about Dick! I'm a freaking devil. What else comes back from the depths of hell to cause mayhem?" Because that is where I crawled out from. The fiery pits of Satan's home.
"Jason," I hear Bruce speak his voice full of concern, "you need help. Let us—"
"No!" I yell cutting him off. "This isn't about helping me. It's too late for me, I know that now."
"It's never too late," Dick offers and I can feel that he's holding back the urge to cry. "Come home Jay," his eyes are starting to get watery. And all I can do is shake my head.
I take a deep breath and decide it's time to speak my mind. It hurts like a dagger to the chest but it has to be said. "All I ever wanted was to impress you two," I admit my voice straining from the piled up guilt. "That's all I ever wanted." Tears start pouring down my face like never before. "But I failed you." I turn to face Bruce. "But you failed me too. And I won't repeat how because you already know it."
"Jason," Bruce finally takes a step forward. "You know why I couldn't do it. I'm sorry."
"No I'm sorry," I say weakly. "I'm sorry for expecting you to. I was never worth it." I don't see him but I know a pained expression just flashed his face. I hear something and look up to see Bruce has removed his cowl.
"Jay don't say that," Dick wants to run up and hug me I know but he won't not as long as I have the gun up to my head.
"What do you want me to say then?!" I yell looking at both of them. My eyes are getting blurry from the tears and frantic movement between the two of them. "Bruce!" I yell. "I forgave you for not saving me. But I will never forgive you for letting that murdering psychotic clown live." I turn to face Dick. His eyes are filled with sorrow but that does not compare with what I'm feeling right now. "Dick," I say accusingly. "I hated you. I hated you when I was Robin because I was never as good as you. And to have it thrown into my face every five minutes hurt more than getting shot."
I see Dick turn to face Bruce. He obviously had no idea that he compares his Robins to him. No one will ever be as good as the Golden Boy.
"Son," Bruce says and I feel my heart sink to my stomach. He's never called me that before.
"Jay, please stop," Dick begs his hands clasped together in front of him.
"Too late," I whisper and pull the trigger. It happens so fast but so slow at the same time. I close my eyes and hear the sound of the gun firing. The last thing I see is Bruce and Dick running for me but it's too late. From there I feel nothing.
I see Jason pull the trigger and the bullet enter his right temple and cleanly exit the right one.
"Oh God!" I hear Dick yell and instantly we are running to Jason's body.
Dick gets there before me and grabs Jason's falling body. His blood is pouring all over Dick's costume. I kneel down next to them and apply pressure to both sides of wound. My heart is racing and my body trembling. I will not lose him again. That mistake will not repeat itself.
"Dick!" I yell and he turns to look at him, tears falling down his face. "Get in the car and call Alfred. We're saving him."
A/N So this is it. I don't know if I should continue this or not. If I do, Jason will of course live but if I don't then well his fate is left uncertain. So review if you want.