A/N: So I wrote this little One Shot as part of the "My Future Self" Competition by OnTheSideOfTheAngels. I really hope you like it - feedback is always appreciated - Beth :) xx
Fred Weasley (You Incorrigible Twit)
72 Weasley Wizard Wheezes
The Flat Upstairs
Dear Fred (You Incorrigible Twit, for which you will find out why when you read the rest of this letter),
Firstly, you are positively loony. Nearly as loony as that Loony Lovegood – sorry, Luna – that Ron seems oh-so-smitten with. We'll see how that lasts; I give it twelve days, three hours, fifty-two minutes and nine seconds. Approximately. Anyway, you're getting side tracked. The point remains, my friend, you are mad.
Addressing yourself as "friend"? Sure you haven't got some kind of complex, there, mate? But that's beside the point. You've clearly established your insanity from an early age, so I wouldn't be so worried about that. What I'd be moreworried about is your strange desire to fall for the most unobtainable of people.
Yes, you twit, I'm talking about Hermione. As Hermione Jean Granger, resident bookworm and know-it-all of the Gryffindor tower. Hermione "don't you dare test that on First years, Frederick Weasley." Hermione "I'm in love with your brother Ron," Granger. Yes, that one. Now you see what I mean about "unobtainable"?
What on earth are you doing falling in love with that bushy haired beautiful brainy – GAH! I can't even insult her properly any more – look what you've done to me?
So I decided to write you a letter. A letter detailing all the reasons why it is not a good idea to a) fancy b) love or c) pursue little Miss I-know-everything. You'll thank me later, mate. Here goes:
1) She is your little brother's best mate: It'd be kind of creepy if you just lurched in there all "hey I love you". Besides, you might have to hang out with Ron. Eugh.
2) She has dated your little brother, Ron: Sharing germs and all that – think about it, kissing Hermione would be like sticking your tongue down Ron's throat. I don't know about you, but that's certainly not my idea of fun.
3) She puts you in your place way more frequently than she ought to: Yes, I'm talking about her rants telling you not to administer Wheezes products to first years. Yes, I'm talking about her telling you to take your feet off the table; moaning at you to make your bed, cutting you down with her snide remarks about your sense of humour.
4) She's a nagging goodness knows what: She gives Mum a run for her money, if you think about it.
5) She's perfect: And let's face it, nobody is perfect, so she's bound to have like a third nipple or something, isn't she? But she really is bloody flawless… damn her.
6) She makes me write stupid letters to myself like a crazy person: Let's face it, if it wasn't for her, then you wouldn't be reading this letter and then I would be inventing a new product to take over the world or something…. Actually scratch that one. I'm not sure it counts.
I've just realised something. I'm completely and utterly in love with Hermione Granger, and I'm not sure I care who knows it. I've got to go tell her, so adios amigos. Stay safe, and all – there's condoms in the bedroom drawer. Don't have too much fun without me ;D
PS) I've just realised, you are me. So scratch that last bit.
Hermione read the last paragraph of the letter she'd found in her boyfriend's bedside cabinet, alongside the condoms that had been well utilised over the last two years they'd been dating. She rolled her eyes – it was so typical of Fred to do something as bizarre as write to himself.
She chuckled – he was such a joker, and that's why she loved him. Making a mental note to tease him about it when he got in from work, later that evening, she shut the drawer with a sigh, and returned to reading her book. The frequently worked cogs of her mind whirred, as she began formulating a plan.
She'd make sure he make up for the "third nipple" jibe later … He certainly knew that wasn't true. She had plenty of ideas how he could repay her, she thought with a little wicked smile spread across her features.
A/N: So what did you think? - Beth :) xx