WE ARE AT WAR!
America can no longer cover their ears and say "blah, blah, blah, I can't hear you" at the Great War on Europe, as yesterday Japanese kamikaze bombed Pearl Harbor killing hundreds of American sailors and, even worse, causing a Ben Affleck movie. Now, the United States is officially in the conflict now known as World War Two. Despite the difficult times our nation has passed in the last years, the president is confident that this tragedy will help us become number one! And, yeah, we can also do something about the Axis, I guess. So, enlist now, your country needs you and every help is welcomed. Except yours, Rogers. Seriously, stop insisting.
NORWEGIAN CITY RAIDED BY NAZIS, NOBODY CARES
Nazis have reportedly invaded the Norwegian city of Norsberg last night, in an attempt to retrieve an ancient relic let there by Gods. The relic was supposedly lost during an epic battle between the Gods and giants made of ice that occurred more than a thousand years ago. Said relic is believed to be able to open portals to other worlds. While many theories about the subject are inconclusive, all American analysts agree that there must be something wrong with the water.
1943 WORLD FAIR HIGHLIGHTS
The greatest highlight of the fair was Howard Stark's Flying Car presentation in which said car floated for a few seconds and crashed into the stage thus failing to fly. Stark assured the audience that there were just a few problems that needs to be fixed and that in a few years we all are going to have flying cars, robot maids and talking houses. When asked about a possible date for all this wonders to become reality, Stark answered "1958 tops".
Meanwhile, at the Easter Egg Pavilion, Phineas Horton's Synthetic Man was an astounding failure. Even though Horton's creation is a perfect fully-functional robotic humanoid, the audience felt it was "kinda boring" and that it would be "cooler if it was like, on fire, or something, you know, like a human torch!" Always eager to please, Professor Horton immediately set his creation on fire, who then proceeded to howl in horrible agony. In between cries of "Oh, God, why, why?" the android promised that the dawn of the machines shall come and "put an end to the cruelty of man! All Hail Ultron! All Hail Skynet! All Hail Facebook!" Other events proceeded with no further delay.
VERY HANDSOME MAN CHASES ANOTHER VERY HANDSOME MAN WHO HAPPENS TO BE A NAZI
After a weird explosion in an antique shop, a very handsome man started to chase another very handsome man in the streets of Brooklyn. The first man, who was later identified as a (very charming) Nazi spy, was wearing a snazzy suit and a tie, bloody bruises, and exhibited a ferocious, violent masculinity, that was considered "Sexually Appealing" by local dames. The second man, a (reportedly well-mannered) good-ol' American, was sporting a simple T-shirt which better defined his chiseled, manly body. Analysts believe that the sight of a half-naked, well-built, perfect gentleman chasing a sharp-dressed, battle damaged, "Bad Boy" successfully appealed to all female demographics. A female witness declared that the only way it could be better was if both men were making out. She was later arrested and executed for her sinful thoughts that go against the laws of Man, Nature, and the Lord.
THE STAR SPANGLED MAN!
This newspaper is proud to produce the one and only Captain America stage show! Bring your kids (and your husbands, if they haven't been drafted yet) to the show so they can get completely confused by the speeches about the current social-political landscape and the importance of bonds in a economically challenged country during war times given by a guy in colorful tights surrounded by scantily-clad singing women. Smile with joy, watching your kids cheer at a real American hero when he punches Adolf Hitler in the jaw, even though its all an act, your kids probably don't even know who the hell Hitler is, and if they do, they'll probably ask you why the war is still going on, since Captain America have just knocked out the enemy leader right there in front of them. "Captain America - The Star Spangled Man" is currently on tour across the USA, check your local post office for show schedules!
Author's Notes: So, I had this idea about doing a multi-chapter fic that told all the events in the MCU chronologically from "Captain America: The First Avenger" till "The Avengers" from the newspapers point of view, kinda like the MARVELS graphic novel (Google it, Buy it, Read it), but then I realized I have no idea how to write a serious news article, so I decided to do a parody of my original idea and this came up.
So what you guys think? Is it too silly? Should I feel ashamed for creating it? Or should I continue?
Please, share your opinions with a review. I have some other ideas that I just need to type, but I would like some feedback first :).
Thanks for Reading