Hello guys xxxDreamingflowerxxx again and now with a new fanfic.
Chrono: You haven't finished you other stories and you're already working on a new one.
Me: Shut up kid, my brain works in mysterious ways and I can handle multiple stories at the same time
Rosette: She's right, if she wants to post then let her.
Chrono: Your just happy because this story is about us.
Rosette: Duh of course, how else am I suppose to kill time.
Me: We know we know now since Rosette seems to be the only one on my side she can do the disclaimer, but first I want to thank TheDapperGleek for beta reading this.
Rosette: xxxDreamingflowerxxx doesn't own Chrono Crusade... or else she'd gimme more money
A Chrono Crusade parody
Chapter 1: Crap from the past
A very very very very veeeeerryyy long time ago, before our parents were born, just a few years after the Titanic sunk, twelve years to be precise. When people didn't know how to curse properly or before they knew the word fashion or underwear, when people were still stupid and superstitious, when being different from the others was still a crime. Before fun and porn were invented and people only knew how to believe in god (in other words catholic or Protestantism)… if you lived in the USA, Europe or South America for the other places it's Muslim, Jewish (thank goodness Hitler wasn't killing them at that time) Hinduism, or Buddhism… anyway it was a time when the world was still crap and there wasn't much fun to do, except for going into criminality, so the criminality at that time was very high and well if you were superstitious you can say the supernatural creatures saw that as an opportunity to roam around freely and creating their own problems. So of course there had to be people to stop this criminality. They formed an organization the Magdale order. That order existed for a long time, but it took some times before they could call themselves competent. So after they formed that order, they decided to ignore the important increasing criminality and go after the small supernatural group that was creating smaller problems, making this world even worse than that it already was.
"START THE DAMN STORY ALREADY!"
Now let's zoom into the life of a certain sister and her demon slave, who worked for that organization.
… year 1924… Somewhere in New York
A lone car was sitting alone in the middle of nowhere. In that car were two people sleeping; a blonde 16 year old nun and a kid that could be her little brother, if you overlooked the fact that they didn't have any facial similarities. The kid had purple hair in a braid and a tan skin and pointy ears. They were sleeping in peace for some hours, not even noticing that the phone that they had with them was ringing.
*RING RING RING!*
Rosette was turning uneasily, trying to ignore the phone and continued her beauty sleep. "Hmpf, not now Chrono, I still have ten pancakes to eat zzzz…"
… 2 hours later…
Rosette yawned, when she finally woke up from her slumber. "That was such a nice nap; I haven't slept that well since my first day coming to Magdale order. Eh?"
Rosette finally noticed the exhausted ringing phone and answered.
"Here's team Rosette! What can I do for you?"
"WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG BEFORE YOU ANSWERED THE DAMN PHONE?! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HIGH THE PHONE BILL WILL BECOME, SISTER ROSETTE?! WE'RE IN THE INTERBELLUM!"
"Eh, I am sorry Sister Kate, it's just… Chrono… dropped the phone into the river… eheh."
"TRY TO COME UP WITH BETTER LIES SISTER ROSETTE! THEY'RE GETTING WORSE EACH DAY!"
"That's not true! Last month I lied that Chrono ate the documents that we were supposed to deliver and that lie is worse than the one I am telling now!"
Sister Kate face palmed. "There is no time to argue, you need to go to the harbor immediately! We got reports of supernatural activity there. Hurry up now! It's been three hours since I tried to contact you! The people could be dead already!"
"Then, why did you contact us in the first place?" Rosette asked confused.
"… Because, you are the only ones available. If I could send anyone else I would, but sadly I have to put my trust in you two."
"So you really trust us?!" Rosette asked hopefully.
"To be honest, no, I don't. Even a horse or monkey can do a better job than you two. But desperate times call for desperate measures. So go and don't make it any worse than it already is! I expect a full report when you get back!"
Sister Kate hung up immediately.
Rosette snorted at the phone. "Pheh! I expect a full report when you get back!" She mimicked the head nun, annoyed.
The nun placed the phone back in its place and turned to her sleeping companion.
"Chrono, wake up. We have a mission."
"Chrono, wake up now!" She started to shake the little devil, but he only mumbled something in his sleep.
"Hmm, not now mommy. Let me sleep a little longer, please?" He mumbled.
"And how long is that?" The blonde asked irritated by Chrono's remark.
"… 10 more years…"
Rosette lost her temper and kicked the poor Chrono out of the car.
"FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WAKE UP THIS INSTANCE OR I'LL CUT OFF YOUR BALLS!"
( A/N Okay there seem to be people that are a pretty modern, despise the fact that they live in this rotten time.)
Stupid, stupid, stupid Sister Kate. Who does she think she is? A slave driver?
"Eh, Rosette?" Chrono asked with caution.
I turned to face my partner. "What is it?!"
Chrono flinched. "I was just wondering, the mission Sister Kate gave us… it was at the harbor, right?"
"Yeah, why are you asking?"
"Because we're going the wrong way."
I stopped the car immediately. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TOLD ME SOONER?!" I asked, infuriated.
"You never listen to me!" Chrono countered, while rubbing his head after he fell on the floor.
"Damn and we already lost so much time!" I sighed. "I'll give you your punishment when we get back."
Chrono gulped and tried to sit as far away from me as possible.
I started the car again, and after a dangerous spin, we headed towards the harbor.
A few minutes later…
"Hey, why is it suddenly so dark?" I asked.
"That's because you were smart enough to crash into a building and now everything collapsed on top of us." Chrono answered plainly.
"If you're such a good driver, why don't you drive then?!"
"… I never said that I could drive. Remember the last time you let me drive because you wanted to eat those muffins we got from the bakery? We got scolded by the cops because under aged kids are forbidden to drive. "
"USE YOUR ADULT FORM!"
"… You know that I can't drive a car properly, but I guess it's safer than letting you drive it." Chrono said teasingly.
I fumed at him and did what every proper sixteen year old girl would do. I kicked him as hard as I could out of the car. Chrono went flying and the building collapsed even further. The surrounding buildings went along with it.
I stepped out of the car and took a deep breath "Finally, fresh air! Chrono you're such a good digger, with that strong body of yours, we can get out of these kinds of situations easily."
Chrono emerged not long after from the debris. His whole body was covered in scratches and his nose was bleeding. "Rosette, look what you have done. Can't you take account of your surroundings and the people for once?"
"Don't worry Chrono, I don't see any dead or wounded bodies here and the order will take care of the neighborhoods repair." I grinned.
"… The fact that you worry more about the buildings than my health hurts, even more than the pain of all the buildings collapsing on me." Chrono murmured sadly.
I noticed that people were staring at us in horror. A police officer gasped when he saw my face. "You… you're from the Magdale order!"
I pulled Chrono next to me and grinned. "Yup that's us. If you have any supernatural problems we'll be at your service."
"You're the duo who leaves nothing but destruction after every mission and makes the state of the situation even worse than it already is!"
I felt my veins popping. "You ungrateful little bastard! I wasn't able to finish my beauty sleep, because I was sent to help your asses out of this mess! "
"Calm down, Rosette. You don't want to get any more complaints from Sister Kate for beating up the clients." Chrono said.
"… Fine. Besides, we haven't killed anyone… yet."
A: Heheh that's only a matter of time.
I grabbed Chrono by the collar and dragged him inside the already falling apart ship.
It was pretty dark inside. I tried to read the report again while we were still at the entrance. "So according to the reports, our target is a poltergeist. Hah he must have run out of fun things to do and decided to haunt a ship that will attract more attention than a single human, who'll slit his throat after becoming insane."
"Rosette, can't you show more respect for others?" Chrono asked. "It's very insulting for all the people who became its victim."
"Damn I can't see a thing. How are we supposed to do our job if the lights are all out?"
"… Rosette, it's the 20th century the electricity isn't as advanced as it could be in the 21st century."
"But they could at least invent a flashlight!"
"The flashlight was invented in 1899."
"Stop acting like a geek Chrono! If it wasn't for that super cute appearance of yours, people would have made fun of you already."
"Actually, the smart people are mostly respected, since they come up with inventions that will benefit the economy and the welfare of the country. They're praised for their hard work and the…"
Chrono was sent flying to the roof before he could finish talking.
"That's it, I am out of here! I don't care if that poltergeist destroys this town! It's too dark and creepy here and having you act like a geek makes it worse."
I walked to the exit, but Chrono stopped me and dragged me to the next room.
"Stop making excuses for your laziness. The sooner we're done here the sooner we can go back."
The next room was a lot brighter and "Holy shit! It's full of treasure!" I screamed.
I ran to the treasures and tried to grab anything I could carry. "Geez, with all this gold here you must feel stupid for working hard every day."
"That counts only for the people who do work hard." Chrono said gleefully.
A few seconds later Chrono was sent flying again.
"Ah thanks to senseless violence, I am always able to calm down."
*Thomp thomp thomp*
"Rosette, what was that noise?" Chrono asked.
"What noise? I didn't hear anything. Now hurry up and stuff as much gold in your backpack as you can, but make sure they won't notice that something is missing!"
I ran around trying to get enough gold to bring with me. "CHRONO! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!"
"… But Rosette, that's stealing! And that's breaking the rules! You're a nun you're supposed to follow god's rules."
"SCREW GOD! I made a contract with a demon, I eat too much, I curse, I lie a lot, I already broke the rules since I was born! So adding one more crime to my list won't be so bad."
Chrono sighed. "Sometimes I wonder if you've been born in the right time."
"Me too, I mean it's so boring here. Now come and help me or I'll make you do all my chores."
"… I am already doing all your chores. You never do any cleaning duties; you're just lying around when no one is watching and make me do all the work. You're the laziest person I've seen in my whole life. The only moment I see you being active is when we have to exorcise demons or any other super natural monsters."
"That's because those are the only ones I am allowed to kill." I grabbed a bag full with gold and threw it at Chrono. "Store that one in your pack!" I turned around to get more gold.
"Uhm, Rosette?" Chrono began.
"Not now! I am busy. Where is that terrible smell coming from?"
"… Rosette, look behind you."
"After I am done!"
"Rosette, listen to me for once!"
"I said, NOT NOW!"
Chrono groaned in frustration. He walked over to me and started to pull my cheeks to get me attention. "ROSETTE!"
That does it! I turned around in frustration and gave him the hardest noogie I could give him. "YOU STUPID DEMON CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM BUS-" I immediately dropped Chrono on the ground and stared in shock at the creature in front of us, it was a giant blue red oni. His eyes were enormous just like its nose; its breath smelled worse than a cemetery. Its claws were covered in dirt and its sharp teeth were showing. The only thing it was wearing was a tiger skin loincloth. It was wielding a giant Kanabō, Its one and only horn rested on his head, kinda looked like a third eye. I wouldn't feel that disgusted if it weren't for the fact that it's drooling like a dog and of course the terrible smell.
"… Hey Chrono did you lose your pet some time ago?" I asked.
Chrono looked at me in disgust. "Are you trying to insult me?"
"… Maybe… You're both demons, right?"
"But I am not Japanese!"
"So? People ship things right?"
"Rosette, don't compare us with those brainless uncivilized Japanese monsters. We don't kidnap children and eat them for our own pleasure. We don't break havoc in such a barbaric style. My kind has at least a sense of fashion instead of running around half naked, with only a piece of cloth covering a part of the body. We don't walk around with an iron club and we at least look more like humans."
I gave Chrono my 'are you kidding me face'. "People still run away from you when they see your real form. When you get angry you attack and kill everything you see. Your real form doesn't look that human. You still have horns, Hylian ears, claws, sharp fangs, bat wings, yellow cat eyes and some kind of bone tail sticking out of your head. Also you're showing off your chest, for what, fanservice? You also never bathe unless I force you to, you don't brush your teeth either, or wash your clothes and you eat like a dinosaur!"
"I thought you were the one that ate like a dinosaur. The reason people ran away from us last time, was because of that flasher that was standing behind us!"
I glared at Chrono and kicked him in his manhood. Chrono collapsed in pain, his face became completely white.
"ARRRGHH! Rosette… why… do… you always… have… to be… too rough?" Chrono asked in a high-pitched voice.
While Rosette and Chrono were occupied with their fight, the oni started to feel neglected and irritated. So it did what every brainless idiot with the mind of a child would do; swinging its iron club like mad and making annoying noises. Of course this results the whole room smelling worse than what it already smelled.
Rosette's face turned green and before she could do anything else she threw up in front of her demon partner.
"Rosette! Are you feeling well?"
"Ugh, this smell… BLAAARRRGGHHHH, Is terrible. Stupid, BLAAAARRRGHH… oni…"
Chrono sweat dropped and cleaned Rosette's face and the mess she made. When he was finished he carried his contractor to another room, while getting chased by a disgusting oni.
Rosette quickly recovered by the smell of fresh… oil air… "Wait! What fresh oil air! It stinks like shit here! Also, Chrono, why are you dragging me away, since that monster is only after kids, I am safe."
"But I'm not! People think I am your little brother or someone you have to keep an eye on! I don't want to be the victim of a child molesting monster!"
Rosette answered Chrono's explanation with another noogie.
Some hours later…
"This is ridiculous!" Rosette exclaimed. "We're getting nowhere with running away from that walking stink bomb!"
"Let's split up then." Chrono suggested. "You'll act as bait and I'll try to find something to beat it with."
Rosette stared at Chrono for a few seconds before she sent him flying again to another room. "YOU'LL FUCKING PAY FOR THIS BITCH! DON'T EVEN THINK THAT YOUR LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MINE!"
"But Rosette, you'll be safer than me, since an oni only eat kids. Your chances to come out in one piece are higher than mine!"
A: Actually they rape the kids first before they eat them. Well good look Chrono-chan.
Chrono's face turned pale. "Please please please Rosette! Undo the seal now!" Chrono begged desperately while tugging of Rosette's sleeve.
Rosette frowned. "What will you give me if I do it?"
"Then, gimme your gun!"
Chrono took Rosette's gun and was about to turn around, when he slipped and fell in something sticky. They both turned to look at the floor, where a corroded, slimy, super scary skeleton with a clowns face was lying.
Chrono and Rosette ran away as fast as they could to get away from the traumatizing skeleton.
As they ran, the ship started to move and Rosette fell into the engine room together with the bad smelling oni.
"H-HOT! It's so hot here! Why is there always something that wants to burn me?! "
Rosette ran around the room while waving her arms desperately in order to get the fire out… So, in the end, she tripped and fell over a bucket of water.
"Crap! Why am I the one who has all the bad luck?! Oh great I'm soaked." Rosette complained. She got up and spotted the oni staring curiously at her. Rosette tried to back away from the monster. "C-cute oni, nice oni, good oni. Uhm you know, going after me isn't such a good idea, I mean I am not a kid. You know what; if you let me go I'll give you Chrono. He's immortal, so he won't grow into a mean old nut. You can do whatever you want with him. Just go upstairs, since he's the only living being beside me here. He's not hard to miss."
"ROSETTE! HOW CAN YOU BE SO HEARTLESS TO SELL ME TO THAT UNCIVILISED MONSTER TO SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE?!"
"Chrono?" Rosette looked confused around to room, to see if she could see where Chrono's voice came from. "Where are you?"
"Upstairs of course! I am using this… communication tube… thingy…"
"Don't you have a better way to describe it?"
"This is the first time I've been on a ship Rosette! Even I don't know everything, but THAT'S NOT THE POINT HERE! I WOULDN'T SELL YOUR LIFE TO SAVE MINE! TRY TO BE MORE CONSIDERING OF OTHERS!"
"Well life sucks, Chrono. Get used to that!"
A: And damn, did she get that right.
So now we get to the part where things do happen. The oni finally got brains and grabbed Rosette by her leg.
"NOOOOOOO! Let me go you stinky perv! I am not your target! Chrono is the child here! I am 16 years old already. My body is that of a grown up not a kid! KKKKKKYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"… Damned woman! Can't you scream softer? My ears are exploding!"
Rosette looked surprised at the oni. "You… can talk? And you also have a weird accent…"
"Duh, baka! I'd be pretty stupid if I couldn't and can you name one Japanese native that speaks English without accent?!"
"Geez you American people don't even understand the easiest words."
"Well I am sorry that in this age people aren't that globalized as they will be in the future."
A: The oni called you an idiot…
"WHAT?! YOU'RE THE IDIOT! No one is perfect!"
"And no one can speak every language flawlessly, chibi-chan."
"So? An oni is a supernatural creature. It should be able to do speak other languages even better." Rosette grinned.
"Okay that's it you little bitch, even though I prefer kids, you'll be an exception. I haven't eaten anything in years, oh but first… some music."
The oni took out an iPod Touch out of its pocket and started playing its favorite song.
~It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes
The little demon is desperately running to the engine room to save his beloved contractor.
"Damn, damn, damn, what if she's killed already! With that temperament of hers she can anger that oni easily and unlike my kind they don't have any patience or tolerate insults. No I shouldn't think like that, I know she's safe." Chrono thought.
"ROSETTE! I'M COMING TO SAVE YO…."
~That this is thriller
'Cause I can thrill you more
Than any ghost would ever dare try
So let me hold you tight
And share a
killer, diller, chiller
Thriller here tonight
Cause this is thriller
Girl, I can thrill you more
Than any ghost would ever dare try
So let me hold you tight
And share a
Chrono froze and fell in anime style upon seeing the dancing oni and angry Rosette, who's still captured and throwing a tantrum. "YOU STUPID WHORE! LET ME GO NOW OR YOU'LL BE PAYING THE PRICE! ARE YOU FUCKING LISTENING TO ME?! I SAID, LET ME GOOOOO!"
"Only Rosette is able to stay like that in these kinds of situations." Chrono sighed. "I wonder where the oni got that device from and the song. Weren't those supposed to come out almost hundred years later?"
A: Thriller released on 1982 and the iPod Touch aka iTouch the first generation was released on 2007. The current generation was released on 2010.
"… Why do I feel so empty now…" Chrono mumbled.
The oni stopped dancing and looked at Chrono. "Well sucks to be you kid. Anyway I'm going to eat now ittadakimasu!"
"WAIT NOOOOOOO!" Rosette screamed.
Too bad for the oni its hand was met by a large energy ball, making the oni lose grip on Rosette. "Her soul is mine! I won't allow you to eat her!" Chrono snarled.
Chrono ran down the stairs and caught Rosette. "Are you okay Rosette? You're not hurt are… OUUUUCCCCHH!"
Rosette kept pulling on his ears. "Who is whose?! Don't get overconfident you little brat! I am not yours, you belong to me! Your mind body and soul is mine! Don't forget it!"
"Ouch, Rosette it hurts! Let me go, please Rosette! I am begging you!"
The oni started to become enraged for being neglected all the time and started to break into rampage.
Rosette and Chrono looked up surprised. "Oh crap we totally forgot about your cousin."
Chrono gave Rosette an angry glare. "For the last time, don't compare me with those hooligans!"
The oni started to growl in anger and started to swing its Kanabō to Rosette and Chrono. Rosette in order to shield herself, she pushed Chrono in front of her, sadly for her Chrono tripped and fell on the ground.
"Oh shit. We're going to die." Rosette mumbled.
She prepared herself for the worse and lied down on the ground as a hopeless attempt to hide from the oni. The oni stomped on Chrono and fell in a comical way from the ship into the ocean, leaving the poor demon with the feeling that his intestines and bones have been crushed.
Rosette groaned and looked around. "Huh, where's that oni?"
Poor Chono was only able to lift his arm a little bit and pointed outside. Rosette ran outside and saw the oni splashing around in the water.
"Dareka, tasukete kudasai!" The oni yelled; "Ore wa oyogenai!
Rosette kept staring as if he was an alien. "Japanese is so weird… what the hell is he saying?"
A: (In monotone) Someone help. I can't swim.
"Ehh what kind of idiot isn't able to swim?"
"YOU FUCKING BITCH! I ASKED FOR HELP! PLEASE THE WATER IS HORRIBLE! I CAN'T STAND IT!"
A: Oh yeah I forgot to mention. It seems that this oni can't stand water.
And so Rosette just stared at the demon while its whole body and breath got cleaned and so it died in a terrible not so peaceful way. Rosette felt relieved and she realized that she forgot something or someone.
A: He's immortal, cute kid, red eyes, hylian ears, older than he looks and contracted to you…
"Oh, fuck! CHRONO!"
Rosette immediately ran back to her squished partner, who looked like he saw something terrible… well in this case smelled something terrible before his 'death'. "Chrono are you alright? Did you break anything?"
Chrono twitched a few times before answering. "It's not something that you didn't break before."
Rosette's vein popped and sent the already injured demon flying against the wall.
After Chrono finally stopped screaming…
"Geez Chrono, stop overreacting. You're a man, right? Then act as one!" Rosette sighed and picked up her partner before jumping in the air of happiness. "Yaaay, for once, for once I haven't made a global mess after finishing a mission!"
"I… want a very long… vacation… when we get back… ouch." Chrono groaned.
"Well then, let's go back and report about our awesome success…"
Before Chrono and Rosette could react the ship crashed against the Statue of Liberty and exploded, sending not only the ship and Rosette and Chrono, but also the Statue of Liberty flying into pieces to who knows where.
Me: Ah another masterpiece.
Chrono & Rosette:... You blew us up...
Me: Aw don't worry this story is far from done, how can I finish this story if you two are dead.
Chrono:... but you blew us up...
Me: I know, now you finally experience something new.
Rosette: Well as long as you don't make me the center of all the jokes and trolling I'll let this slip.
Me: See, Rosette can get over it and so should you Chrono. You're older so act like that.
Chrono: I've read your other parody and seeing how that one goes and after this chapter... I feel like I'll be the target of all the misfortune.
Me: Hai, now let's get ready for the next chapter. See you later my dear reader and don't forget to leave a review.