Eric Northman: Drunk and Disorderly

A/N: I own nothing at all and am purely messing with these characters for my own entertainment purposes!

Thanks to the lovely RubySun03 for her continued support and beta-magic.

Sookie's cell phone rang, and to her astonishment, it was Eric's number, and he was calling her before dark.

"Eric, is that you?"


"Yes it is. What are you doing calling me during the daytime?"

"I think I dialed a wrong number."

"What? Why aren't you dead for the day? Is everything okay? You sound weird."

Eric rubbed at his temple with his free hand.

"I found that fairy club in the middle of that field and I ate them all."

"Oh my God Eric, they were my friends! You ate all the fairies?"

"Well, not all of them. I drained a few of them, yes. I didn't mean to kill them, but they called you a vampire-loving half-breed whose light was depleting. I've been up all day behaving in what you might call an inappropriate manner. I turned up at Merlotte's completely naked. Why were you not at work?"

"I'm doing the late shift! You turned up naked? What did Sam say?"

"He told me to leave and gave me a Merlotte's apron to cover myself with. I tied it around my head and pretended to be a nun."

"Eric, I can't believe you went to my workplace drunk on fairy blood!"

"It gets worse." His tone turned even more guilty, and Sookie got more and more concerned. "You should probably hear this from me."

"Oh no, you didn't drain anyone else, did you? You didn't bite Sam?"

"No. I was quite full, with all the delicious fairy blood."

Eric paused for a moment, and Sookie urged him on, anxious and curious to know more.

"So, what happened?"



"I... stood naked on the pool table and declared my love for you. I told them all they were worthless idiots and were nothing at all compared to you, that they weren't even worthy to look at you, let alone be served by you. I told them that even though they might look down on you as being some sort of crazy telepathic weirdo, you were braver, more beautiful, more honorable and more intelligent than all of them put together."

There was a long silence.


"Which... is all true."

Sookie felt embarrassed, not at what he'd done in front of a crowd of people she had to look in the eye all the time, but at his description of her. Eric always had a way of making her feel better about herself, like she was the most important person in the world.

"Well, thanks for sticking up for me."

"The gesture might have been more gallant, had I not been stark naked with an apron on my head. I might have come across as being a little unhinged."

Sookie smiled to herself. She pictured the scene in her mind, and tried to imagine the reactions of the Merlotte's patrons. Arlene and Holly were going to be gossiping about this for weeks. Jane Bodehouse probably thought it was her birthday.

"Why were you naked?" Sookie asked, still picturing him.

"I went for a swim in the pond and I think a dog stole my clothes."

"Are you still drunk now?"

"Maybe, a bit."

The silence drew out a bit longer this time. There were a lot of things that they both wanted to say, especially Eric, since he had already been going over and over what he wanted to tell her in his head, before he called. He wanted to tell her that he'd been so angry when her fairy kin had insulted her, that he had only wanted to defend her and her honor. He wanted to tell her that he missed her, every day. He wanted to tell her that his heart was still breaking, and that every time he saw her it was like another stake piercing his flesh, and the pain was becoming unbearable. He wanted to tell her that he went to Merlotte's to find her because he wanted them to have some fun together again, because when she was around he felt more alive than he had done in centuries. He wanted to tell her that his love for her was deeper than ever.

But for some reason, he couldn't say it out loud. He needed to look her in the eye, he realized, when he told her these things. She might just think his words were the mad ramblings of a drunken vampire.

"So... I thought I'd better tell you all about it," he said, "before someone else does. I think Lafayette recorded it all on his phone."


"I did a sexy dance."

Sookie could tell that he was squirming, wherever he was.

"On the pool table?"


Sookie couldn't hold it in anymore, and cracked a laugh. She brought her fingers to her mouth to stop herself.

"Oh my."

"You won't be laughing when you see it. Actually, maybe you will. No, you definitely will. And I will never be able to show my face in Merlotte's again. Not that I was planning on becoming a regular customer, anyway."

"Did Sam manage to get you down?"

"No. He told everyone to leave for their own safety, and called the sheriff. Your brother turned up with him. They tried to taser me, and I kissed the one with the bald head."

"Andy Bellefleur? You kissed Andy Bellefleur?"

"Yes. I'm sure Lafayette recorded that part as well."

"Did you get hurt, when they tasered you?"

"No, but I was starting to get a bit pink and hot by that point."

"Did you make it home okay?"

"Not quite."

"Oh no, you didn't burn too bad did you?"

"No, I'm fine. But I didn't make it home, I didn't have time. I had to seek refuge."

"Where are you? It'll soon be dark, you want me to come and get you or something?"

Eric was touched.


"Where you at?"

"I'm in the cubby in your house."

Sookie was confused.

"You're here?"

"Yes. I was pretty quick, you probably didn't hear me enter. The shame was beginning to set in, as well, so perhaps I tried to avoid you."

Sookie got up and went to the closet, the phone still at her ear.

"What are you most ashamed of, kissing the sheriff, or the naked pool table dancing?"

She opened the doors and peeked in.

"The dancing was pretty bad. The kissing was only mildly embarrassing."

"Did you use tongue?"

Eric hung up the phone, and shouted his response.

"No. Maybe."

Sookie smiled, and descended the ladder.

A/N: I realise this is a pretty short one-shot! I've recently started a new tumblr blog called tb-and-svm-minifics, where you can submit a prompt/fic request and I will write you a mini-fic! This is one of the little stories I've come up with so far. So please, I would love you to visit the blog at tb-and-svm-minifics dot tumblr dot com, and submit a request! There is also a link on my ffnet profile.

Thanks to the anon who requested Eric drunk-dialling Sookie : )