Chapter 1 ~ Life- Not the Cereal Kind

Dear Diary, (Gosh that sounds stupid.)

Well if I'm going to spill my life story from now on, in here I guess you should know a little something about my life so far.

My name is Maximum Ride. No middle name. Don't ask why my name is Maximum, I think it was the post-labor hormones talking. Although my Mom denies it, the fact that she had Ella's name picked out beforehand doesn't do much to support her claim.

I'm fifteen and going into grade 10 next week. I have brown hair with golden sun-streaks, (Ella's words, not mine.) chocolate colored eyes and tan skin. I'm pretty tall for my age, but I have a good reason.

I don't play any school sports. It's not that I'm bad at them; I just prefer sports not offered by my public school's low-end budget. My favorite so far would have to be hang-gliding. It's pretty much the closest you can get to flying.

Everyone says I'm a born leader and that I have 'charisma' whatever the heck that means. Honestly I think I'm just naturally bossy.

Do you have a secret? (I'm talking to an inanimate object! That's how Ginny ended up in the Chamber of Secrets!) At all? Big or little? Well I do.

When I was born I was kidnapped by some wack-job scientists. My Mom was able to get me back but the months in the lab left a few certain side effects. I sorta have wings. …Yeah. Confessions over, move on.

My Mom's name is Valencia Martinez and she's one the best vet's in town. She and Ella look more Hispanic than I do.

My Dad's a jerk who left my Mom before I was even born. End of story.

Ella's my little sister by ten months. She's really into shopping and make-up, all that girly stuff that haunts my nightmares. Other than the fact that she plays soccer, she's a total girly-girl. The complete opposite of me.

My best friends are Fang and Iggy. We've known each other since before any of us can remember. Fang lives next to me with his adopted sister Nudge. Iggy lives across from us with his younger siblings, Gazzy and Angel.

Fang has long-ish black hair and an olive completion. (I never got that, olives are either green or black. Fang's just really tan.) He's really quiet around everyone except us, although come to think of it, he doesn't talk much around us either. He's more of an observer.

His real name is Nick, but everyone calls him Fang. When we were kids he would always pretend to be a vampire. (The Dracula kind, not the sparkly ones.) We started calling him Fang and the name just stuck.

Fang's younger sister Nudge is Ella's age. We call her the Nudge Channel because she never stops talking; it's all Nudge, all the time. Her hobbies include shopping, shopping, and more shopping. She's best friends with Ella.

When they first brought Nudge home she was three years old. I asked her what her name was even though I already knew it was Monique. To my surprise she told me it was Nudge, so that's what we all call her.

Iggy is the complete opposite of Fang. He's so pale, some people ask if he's albino. He has spiky, strawberry blonde hair and pale blue eyes. He's blind but you can't really tell unless someone moves the furniture around. Which we sometimes do for the joy of seeing Iggy stub his toes.

Iggy can cook like nobody's business. His cupcakes are to die for. And I don't mean figuratively. In foods class last year I saw a girl offering to kill herself if Iggy would give "Just one more cupcake?" He and Gazzy are total pyro's. If approached do not mention The Banana, I cannot guarantee you will live to see the next day.

Ig's younger siblings are Angel and The Gasman. Gazzy got his nick-name due to his funky intestinal issues. (I wouldn't stand down wind if I were you.) He's a pyro with passion. (Alliteration! Have you ever noticed that alliterations start with consonants but the word alliteration starts with a vowel? Sorry- of topic.)

Iggy's parents (The Griffith's) are co-ceo's of a GIANT company, so they aren't around much. Fang, Iggy and I pretty much raised Angel from the time she was two. (She's ten now, two years younger than Gazzy.) Angel's one part angel two parts demon. Lucky people only see the angelic part. Hint: don't get on her bad side.

Gosh the last four paragraphs started with Iggy. (You just went and checked didn't you.) And this is supposed to be about ME!

So as I've stated, I'm going into high school next week. I'll be attending Goode High School, which is a five minute walk away from our house.

I'm kind of nervous for High School. (Tell anyone and I'll rip your throat out.) Although I don't know why, I mean its just high school right, what could go wrong?

Like seriously, a fight? I'd so win. I could forget some homework. Or I could fail a test. There could be gas main-leak. Or a fire. There could be a tiger-stampede in the middle of orientation. Or a terrorist could bomb the girl's bathrooms.

Some people say I have an "over active imagination." Whatever.

Today I went school shopping with Fang. (Iggy was on another vacation in the tropics.) Have you ever noticed how you only have to buy about half of what's on the supply list?

Other than some pink erasers, everything Fang got was black. If he was a girl you could say that black was his 'signature color.'

We made the mistake of bringing Ella and Nudge shopping with us. The operative word there being mistake.

"OMGGGGG! You have to try this on Max!" Ella thrust a tiny scrap of fabric at me. Which I promptly dropped.

"Heck no. The day you see me in that, the apocalypse will be upon us." I snapped.

"Ugh, fine. What about this?" She took a purple t-shirt off the rack.

"Sure. Whatever. Where's Fang?" I needed him to suffer with me.

"Nudge's trying to get him to wear skinny jeans."

How did we get from Staples to H&M you might ask?

Two words: Bambi eyes.

They're like my kryptonite. And Ella knows it too. It's an evil weapon but she wields it happily.

After two hours of torture, I mean shopping we finally bussed home. As soon as I stepped inside I bolted up to the third floor aka my room. The attic in our house is finished so I have the whole floor to myself.

The next three hours were spent in blissful peace, texting Fang, browsing the internet and not shopping. I put off going downstairs until I knew my Mom was about to explode.

"SURPRISE!" When I walked into the kitchen I noticed that everyone who was female and under 18 on our block was in my house. Okay so that's only Angel, Nudge, Ella, JJ and me, but it seemed like more.

"We thought we could have a back-to-school-slumber-party!" Angel grinned up at me.

"All the guys are at Ig's place, they got home an hour ago." Ella said noticing my desperate searching for a male. Not that way you sickos. We're all Just Friends.

"Come on Max! Your Mom made us some chocolate chip cookies. She knew you probably wouldn't come any other way. She was right huh? Well anyways we're watching Mission Impossible! Max! Get your butt over here!" Nudge shoved a plate of cookies under my nose. I was helpless.

"I have to admit guys. This isn't as bad as I thought it would be." It was halfway through the movie and all we had done was eat cookies and popcorn.

Ella grinned evilly. "Nudge! Bring it out!"

That didn't sound good.

"Voilà!" Nudge swept into the room, wearing her satin pj's and holding a huge pink box filled to the brim with beauty supplies.

"No." I backed away from Nudge in her pink, lacy glory.

"Yes!" Angel came and smiled angelically up at me. I don't what it is about her, but Angel has a weird way of changing your mind.

"Fine but I get first dibs on the next batch of cookies!" I was not going down without something.

"Okay." Nudge picked up a make-up brush. "Sit still Max."

About thirty minutes later I was 'beautified'. And miserable. I sat in a stupor staring out the window.

Where I saw a small blonde head duck out of sight.

"What was that?!" I whirled on Ella.

"Well we may or may not have told the guys we were giving you a makeover at exactly nine." Ella shrunk away. "It was Nudge's idea! It was really only Fang who we wanted to see you."


"Because you're obviously head over heels for each other!"

"I've told you guys a billion times! I do NOT have a crush on Fang!" Everyone took a step away from me.

I left them cowering and stalked to the front door.

"Come on guys, I know you're out there!" I probably looked weird yelling at the bushes. But one by one the guys stepped out.

"Whose idea was this?"


When interrogating, go for the weakest link.

"Gazzy? What's going on?" He squirmed under my harsh stare.

"Well… Nudge told Fang you guys were having a sleepover tonight and that you guys were having make overs and Fang said you wouldn't let them do that to you but Nudge said they could and so she told him to be here at nine o clock and not to be seen but Fang didn't want to be the only one stalking you so he brought us along and I agreed because I thought it would be funny to see you wearing make-up and stuff but then you looked out the window and Iggy wanted to ditch but I knew you would be even more mad if we did so I made them stay here and… yeah."

I swiveled so the full force of my stare was on Fang.

"Talk!" I jabbed his admittedly muscled chest with my newly polished nail.

"They did a pretty good job."

"Huh?" Eloquent right?

"I think they used a bit too much but the makeup doesn't look too bad on you." A full sentence? The apocalypse is nigh!

"Seriously? Well enjoy it well you can, it coming off the second I get inside! Now why are you here?"

"As Gazzy said when he ratted us out, I wanted to see you wearing makeup."

He is so obnoxious.

"Why the heck are you here then?" I pointed at Iggy.

"The Gasman's descriptions are highly detailed." Iggy looked bored, why I have no idea. "Can we join the party now?" Oh that's why. The little perv.

"No way José you sexist little pig!" Boys can be so infuriating.

"I'm sorry Max." Gazzy looked up at me. Dang those Bambi eyes.

"Whatever." I gave Fang a look that clearly said this isn't over yet.

Inside I grabbed the plate of remaining cookies and stomped upstairs.

This is how I ended up writing in here.

I'm going to get back at Fang if it's the last thing I do and what better way than to record my revenge in here.


A/N: Sorry, I'm sure you already know most of this. I just wanted to explain the Au. Necessary? No. Fun? Yeah.

Disclaimer: Unless James Patterson writes FanFiction and enjoys Harry Potter marathons while drinking butter beer (Which he totally could but you know what I mean.) I am not him.

Claimer: I took the photo used for the cover.

Also note this is AU so there is no connection to the books. And in the words of the wonderful Phoenix Fanatic "It is a total coincidence if an original character named Dylan is violently killed off."

Anyone get the Percy Jackson reference?

Reviews are loved and funny reviews are even more loved.