She's baaaccckkk~! I told you guys that there would be some Tabatha/Uncle Jack hilarity!

This story will make a lot more sense if you first read my other stories, 'That Fantastic Little Girl', and 'Doing Something Right'.

Disclaimer: Tabatha Tyler is my version of the Ninth Doctor and Rose Tyler's daughter. She's a cute little anklebiter, and the only thing here that is mine.

Enjoy, dearies! :D


Tabatha Tyler was a curious little girl. When she wanted to know something, she didn't stop until it was another factoid in her encyclopedia-like mind. So when her parents told her she was going to be a big sister, she asked the obvious question.

To her frustration, neither her mummy nor her daddy was very keen on telling her. When she asked how the baby got inside Mummy's belly, the tips of Daddy's ears had gone bright red, and Mummy's cheeks were a similar color. They said they'd tell her when she was older. But in addition to curious, Tabatha was also a bit impatient. She wanted to know now. And, being the clever little girl she was, she realized and accepted that her parents wouldn't be telling her anytime soon.

But she bet Uncle Jack would!

And that's how she ended up here, swinging her legs from her seat at the kitchen table as he played a game of Go Fish with her. She suspected he was letting her win, but she could never be sure with Uncle Jack. Daddy once told her that he used to lie for a living, to which her uncle hadn't denied. She didn't mind though, because she wasn't here to play cards anyway.

"Uncle Jack," she began as innocently as she could.

"Yeah, Sweetheart?" He replied distractedly, his eyes scanning his cards intently. What he had to examine so closely in Go Fish, Tabatha didn't know.

"How did the baby get inside Mummy's belly?"

Jack dropped his cards, letting his young opponent get a clear view of his hand. His eyes had widened and he had gone slack-jawed. He could think of a million-and-one innuendoes for this situation, all of which could and would get him executed on at least seven different planets he knew of, none of which he planned to make for fear of Death By Time Lord. The Doctor should have seen this question coming, what with Rose's pregnancy and all, and should have dealt with it head on. But nooo! Instead, he avoids his own child and pushes the awkward stuff onto him! Just because he was a bit freer with his sexuality doesn't mean that automatically qualifies him to give this kind of talk! He was more of a hands-on kind of guy, and he certainly wasn't going to give his sweet little niece that kind of demonstration. 'Think on your feet, Harkness. That's what got you this far in life.'

"Ehm… okay." Well, it's a start. "Ya see Tabby, when a man and woman love each other very much, they do this… thing… and it puts a baby in the woman's tummy." 'Please, God, if you're out there, let her leave it at that.'

For a moment he thought he was in the clear, until Tabatha opened her mouth again. That's when he knew he was a goner. "What sort of 'thing'?"

'Bullshit it!' His mind screamed at him. "They… uh… dance." 'Or you can use the oldest euphemism in the book. Bravo.' "Yeah, they dance."

Tabatha seemed to contemplate this for a moment, and for a split second Jack thought that by some divine intervention, she'd accept this as truth. But, being the offspring of the most intelligent being in the Universe and arguably the most curious and jeopardy-friendly human in history, she had to keep at him with the questions. "But Daddy and Mummy dance all the time. If that's all that it takes to make a baby, shouldn't I have a whole bunch of brothers and sisters by now?"

Jack could only lie to those big brown eyes so many times in a day, and even then he's prefer if the maximum was None At All. But he was quite fond of having all his bits where they were supposed to be and not scattered through the Vortex, so this time it wasn't an option. He had to pull something out of his ass, and fast.

"Well, it's a special kind of dance." It scared him slightly that it was getting easier to lie to her face. "It has certain steps and turns, and when they're done, if they wish really hard, there'll be a baby in the mommy's tummy real soon." Out of his ass, indeed.

"Ohhh!" Tabatha sighed in understanding. "So that's how they do it?"

"Yep!" Jack replied briskly. Celebrating his victory in his head, he immediately picked up his cards to go back to the game. "So, do you have any -"

"Can you teach it to me?" Tabatha swiftly interjected. Jack sputtered in shock.

"Wh-what?!" He yelped. The little girl sighed heavily in a fashion eerily similar to her father when he was about to go one of his 'stupid ape' rants.

"Will you teach me the special dance? It's a very simple question." Her condescending tone belied the childish ignorance of what she was asking.

"Um… no. I'm sorry, Tabby, but I can't." Huh. This was probably the first time he had ever declined teaching someone to 'dance'. Then again, most people he gave 'lessons' to weren't the seven-year-old daughter of his best friends. First time for everything, he supposes. Tabatha on the other hand wasn't taking his answer well.

"Why not?" She demanded petulantly.

"Because," he was starting to lose it. "You're not old enough?" Damn, that sounded like a question, not a statement! Now she'll know he's lying! She may be just a kid, but she's sharp. He blames her parents. She scrutinized him with a critical brown eye.

"Are you lying to me, Uncle Jack?" Okay, forget what he said early about her being just a seven-year-old. She's the freaking scariest seven-year-old in the known Universe. Once again, he blames her parents.

"Of course not! Ya see, people aren't allowed to, uh, dance until they're, eh," Shit! What was the standard age of consent in Britain in the 21st century? "16. Yeah, I can't teach you that dance until you're 16." Tabatha considers this for a minute before addressing him.

"And you promise to teach me the special dance when I'm old enough?" She asked dubiously.

"Sure…" 'No! Bad mouth! Why the hell would you tell her that?' The little girl then gave him a huge grin, shouting "Fantastic!" as she dashed out the door and down the hall. This was bad. He was going to regret this. But maybe she wouldn't say anything?

"JACK BLOODY HARKNESS GET YOUR RANDY ARSE IN 'ERE!" And there went all hope of keeping his manly bits in tact. Resigned to his fate, Jack trudged forlornly towards the console room, hoping against hope that he could mange to talk the Doctor into not kicking him face-first into the Vortex.


Jack's thoughts were far too fun to write. XD

Review and MAYBE Jack won't get sucked into the void of space. ;D