250 was slouched on the sofa, absently channel surfing. 300 read a book, his feet kicked up in 250's lap. Suddenly, God spake unto them.
"Guys!" His voice reverberated from the ceiling. "Guys, I just found out we've been doing this all wrong."
300 looked up from his book, brow furrowing in confusion. "What in the world?"
250, who had already glanced upward at the first 'guys,' flicked wide eyes back to his partner. "Wait, you mean you can hear God too?"
300 double-taked at the American. "You mean you can talk to God?"
God's voice boomed down at them. "Guys, focus!" The agents snapped to attention, staring at their ceiling in confusion. Satisfied, God continued in a normal register, "I was checking up on the latest trends, you know, and I found out that I kind of messed up with you two."
250's expression bordered on panic. " 'Messed up'? What do you mean, 'messed up'?"
Meanwhile, 300 gazed flatly at the ceiling. "If He's about to break us up, I swear, being God will not protect him."
"No, no, no, nothing like that," God replied with an implicit wave of His hand. "That's Old Testament stuff. I've put that behind me. But, y'know, I have to keep up with what I'm supposed to be doing, and I guess this isn't how gay relationships are supposed to go."
250 blinked at the ceiling. He furrowed his brow. "...What?"
However, 300's eyes widened. Pinching them closed, he sighed and shut his book with a snap. "Oh no," he muttered.
250 swiveled his head in his partner's direction. "What?"
"Yaoi Rules," 300 replied, his eyes shut against the stupidity about to affront them.
250 blinked again. "...What?"
"That's what this is about," 300 said, shaking his head. "The Yaoi Rules."
God's voice interrupted any further discussion. "According to the Internet, one of you should be less manly."
300 fought back a groan. "Oh, for the love of..."
"I really like watching 250 beat up punks I don't like, so 300, that'll have to be you," God said matter-of-factly.
300 jumped up from the couch, gaping at the ceiling. "What?!"
Meanwhile, 250 attempted to calm to situation. "God, really, this isn't necessary-"
Furious and red-faced, 300 interrupted, "I'm the one that rescued 250 after Niels shot him! That was far more masculine than anything else that either of us have ever done!" He looked back at his partner. "No offense."
"No, no, I'm with you," 250 replied, raising his hands and eyebrows in surrender.
With an implied shake of His head, God told them, "I can't count that. It happened off-screen."
250 and 300 stared at the ceiling. Slowly, they turned to look at each other. "...Off-screen?" they asked.
Oblivious, God continued, "Besides, you're the one who's usually on the bottom."
300's face reddened again. "You told God about our sex life?!"
Blushing, 250 protested, "He's God! He already knows about our sex life!"
Seeming to have completely missed that minor conflict, God finished, "Anyway, 250's manlier than you overall, so I guess he gets to stay manly."
300 pinched the bridge of his nose and hunched over his knees. 250 looked from his partner to the ceiling helplessly, waiting for some kind of decision. When 300 finally looked up, his face was a normal shade and his expression, though incredulous, was controlled. "...You mean he more closely fits your masculine stereotype," 300 said.
There was a long pause from the ceiling. "Well... yeah."
300 sighed, looking up. "Well, I can't deny that. But..." His face screwed up in disbelief as he pronounced, "God... masculinity doesn't just hinge on what the world's stereotypes of 'manliness' are. 250 is unquestionably the scarred, muscular 'manly man' you're describing, but he's also very domestic. Between the two of us, it's obvious that he's the one who is more sensitive and in touch with his emotions. Meanwhile, I may enjoy a good shopping trip and spend more time in hostage situations, but I'm also the one who had to curb my lady-killing habit for my partner." He flicked his eyes to 250 for support. "I'd say 250 and I are equally masculine; we're simply different kinds of masculine."
250 nodded his head, catching the drift of the conversation. "I wouldn't be attracted to 300 if he wasn't manly somehow," he added.
God huffed loudly at them. "I know that! I wouldn't be telling you that one of you had to be less manly if I thought either of you weren't manly to begin with."
300 stared at the ceiling in outright skepticism. "...So then you must realize how very silly this all is."
There was no answer from above. The agents gazed up, waiting, but no response came.
250 frowned. "God, is everything all right?"
"No!" God blurted out, startling them both into falling off the couch. "Public opinion is misleading me!"
300 blinked from his rumpled position on the floor. "...Um."
Standing, 250 dusted off his jeans and held out a hand for his partner. "Maybe you should just relax for a little bit," he said to the ceiling. "Let the world turn on its own, y'know?" He hauled 300 to his feet and glanced upward, holding up two fingers an inch apart. "Just for a day or two."
There was a pause. Then, after a moment, God sighed. "Yeah, maybe you're right." His tone turned sheepish. "Sorry. I guess I panicked."
300 blinked at the ceiling, still adjusting his cufflinks. "...That can happen to the best of us," he offered.
God sighed again. "All right, I'll just... leave you two alone now. Sorry."
The silence that followed had the effect of a phone hanging up or perhaps of a closing door. The agents remained standing in front of the sofa, still staring at the ceiling.
Finally, 250 glanced back down at his partner. "You think I'm a stereotype?"
300 fixed his cufflink. "Yes, and it turns me on like you wouldn't believe. Now tell me more about this talking to God thing. How the hell did that happen?"
what is this i don't even
But in all seriousness, this incredibly blasphemous piece of silliness made me giggle when I was done, so here it is. You can tell I wasn't trying because the story just sort of starts without any proper beginning.
I'd originally had an idea to do a "Yaoi Rules"-inspired thing called "Slashfic Rules," but slashfic-specific conventions basically amount to Wimpification and MPreg. Everything else can just be applied to any kind of shipping in fanfic. And I refuse to write MPreg. I just can't. Biology. No.
Originally I was going to be the one talking to 250 and 300, and it was all going to be very sarcastic. Then I remembered that Humon's version of God would be just daffy enough to pull off this ridiculous concept.
So let me know what you think and, as always, thanks for reading.