When Anastasia Left Me…. In Christian Grey's Point of View
Hi everyone Thanks for taking the time to stop by to read my short FanFiction stories. I have gotten some positive feedback on my last story so I thought I'd give it another try. This is MY interpretation of how I thought Christian may have felt when Anastasia left him for those five days. Some of the words are direct quotes from the book to help express his POV and keep it as close to the story as possible. This is only for fun and to feed my imagination. Hope you enjoy All rights belong to EL James and the 50 shades trilogy. Rated M for bad language and some mild sexual content. Suitable for 18 and older please xo ShadyGreySteele
"Goodbye Christian" "Ana, Goodbye"
As the elevator door closes and Anastasia disappears from view I feel a suffocating lump form in my throat. This is really it, she's gone. I slowly turn and head to my bedroom. I close my door and lean against it and cry. I slowly sink to the floor and place my head in my hands almost in a protective position as I weep for my Ana. My Anastasia is really gone. Oh Please come back Ana I'm sorry, I love you too, three simple words I love you is all she wanted from me and I couldn't say it.
I waited anxiously for her to return from Georgia. I couldn't breathe without her. I longed desperately for her touch, her love. Seeing her walk through the door tonight was like being revived from a coma. I suddenly felt so alive that I couldn't get over to her fast enough. I needed to feel her, hold her, and kiss her. I wanted to climb inside her to connect with her and we did and I knew at that moment that I couldn't ever bear to apart from her and 10 hours later here I am alone again. I felt so empty being apart from her. She soothes my savage soul, I feel safe and happy whenever I am near her. I love her, I have loved her since the moment I saw her and I didn't have the courage to tell her tonight. I already knew she loved me. She had said it while she slept a few times and I could feel it too when she looked at me, I knew she loved me.
I waited for her to say those glorious words to me when she was awake and as soon as she did I froze with fear. The past few weeks with her have been the best days of my entire life. I have never felt a connection to another human being like this. She was made for me, we belong together she is my heart and soul, yet I didn't have the courage to tell her how I felt or acknowledge and accept her admission of love to me. I have never cried over a woman or anybody really since I was four years old. Yet I sit here now crying for this woman who has captivated me and stole my heart, and with each tear that falls the pain gets sharper and I know I deserve it. I didn't deserve her but somehow we found each other and I took her innocence for my own selfish reasons never considering her feelings. I knew she was different from the very beginning. She challenged me on every level like no one before her.
As soon as her powdery blue eyes looked into mine that rainy May afternoon when she tumbled into my office I had no chance. Within 10 seconds I knew I would never be the same. Even the way she described my office paintings and challenged each answer I gave her during our interview. It was like a live wire running through me. I can't explain it but just being in her presence sent a shock through my entire central nervous system. She had never heard of me, she had no idea who I was or what I did yet she called me out as a smug, arrogant, high handed, consumerist in 5 minutes all while blushing and speaking softly. She seemed all submissive and flustered as she questioned me but she held her own with every answer I threw back at her even though she was clearly intimidated by me. Little did she know at that moment how intimidated I was by her, oh and the fucking lip biting, I practically expired the first time she sunk her teeth into those full pink soft lips.
I hurt her; the only woman I have ever loved and will ever love hates me. I hit her with a belt, I took all my anger and pain from my fucked up past and poured it in to each lash and she took it, every hit because she wanted to try for me. She was willing to let me physically harm her to prove to me that she loved me. Am I no better than that lowlife pimp who beat and burned me as a toddler? No I'm the same I hurt this beautiful innocent creature who loves me and would do anything to make me happy. A lovely woman who asks for nothing in return except for my affection. I am worthless, nothing, I am an animal. I will never forgive myself for hurting her. Even after all of that she still held me in her arms and apologized to me for what she said "You need to sort your shit out Grey" she was right I do, yet she was sorry to me for thinking that she hurt my feelings. Then she told me she loves me and I froze and rebuffed her beautiful confession that I longed to hear say to me. I am not worthy of her love and she loves me. Why didn't I just tell her? I have a bad feeling that she won't be coming back. My biggest fear since I met Ana was that she would leave me and now she's gone and it's all my fault. I need her back.
After about an hour of sitting on the floor sobbing like a small boy I rise to my feet feeling unstable and make my way to the bed. I need to feel her presence, smell her scent on my sheets I need her. Lying on my bed is a small box with a note from a torn sheet of paper handwritten
"This reminded me of a happy time,
Thank you Ana"
I breakdown into a violent painful cry, I clutch the box to my chest and wail I don't care who hears me. I kiss the small handwritten note in her feminine and beautiful handwriting and place it in my shirt pocket close to my broken heart. The box contains a small model glider kit, the same glider I took her up in just a few days ago as we chased the dawn over the Georgia sky. I hold it tight to my chest and just flash back to all the memories I have made with this beautiful angelic woman in the past few weeks and I know my life will never be the same. I simply cannot accept a life without her. I eventually cry myself to sleep holding the gilder. I love you Ana, I'm sorry please forgive me I pray.
I wake up at 5pm and clear my schedule for the next 2 days. I take the handwritten note and place it in my nightstand drawer. I usually work from home on the weekends but I am not capable of work today. My only job will be to figure out how to get my Ana to forgive me. I want another chance. I want "more" too. I will do everything I can to win her back. Focus Grey focus. I pick up my phone and dial Taylor "Sir" he answers. " I need round the clock security at Anastasia's apartment, I want her watched and safe at all times, I want a report back every hour" I snap, I need my girl safe, I know she's alone while my brother and miss Kavanagh are still in Barbados for several more days and it pains me to know shes by herself in a new city, new apartment with no family or friends in a 150 mile radius.
I have to attend a fundraiser this evening and cannot get out of it. I will make a very brief appearance and leave within 15 minutes. It's for a charity I have been supporting for the past 4 years and if I don't show up, it can potentially lose funding from other wealthy donors. Some people attend and donate just to see me. I am in no mood to have women falling all over me tonight. None of them could ever hold my interest like my Anastasia, there isn't another woman on earth who can even hold a candle to her. She is my match in every way. We fit together like a puzzle. I also have no desire for idle chit chat from a bunch of boring suits. As I dress for the fundraiser I see the small box from Cartier that sits on a shelf in my walk in closet next to my cufflinks. I had purchased elegant simple 4 tiered diamond earrings for Anastasia to wear with her dress this evening. So simple and elegant yet exquisite just like her.
I hope Taylor has his security team in place by now. I just want to make sure she is alright. I have never worried about a person like this. I am alarmed by the thought of someone harming her Oh the sad irony.
"Taylor, you are not to alert Miss Steele of your presence, please alert your security team of that as well" Ana would not like it if she knew I was having her watched. She already thinks I'm a stalker but I need to keep her safe and I will do anything to protect her.
"Yes sir I will security team is in place and the 1st report came back from sawyer with no activity from Miss Steele, she appears to be home though because the lights were switched on and off every so often" Whew I let out a deep breath.
How can I make her forgive me this time? I need to prove it to her that I can change, that I can be more. She deserves more, more than me, but I'm a selfish man and I want her for me and only me. I will start by building the glider that she bought for me. Such a simple gift but so thoughtful. I have been given many gifts in my lifetime, jewels, cars and the finest and most expensive wines and more yet this simple $10.00 model glider kit means more to me than anything I have ever received. It was a gift from her heart, she put thought and meaning into it like she does with everything. She is the kindest most loving caring person I have ever known apart from my family. She doesn't care about my money. I know that now. She is selfless she is giving and caring. She didn't even want to accept something as simple as clothing the night I brought her to my hotel room after she had passed out drunk. She gave me back the laptop, blackberry, the car and wouldn't even touch the clothes in the spare bedroom. Spare bedroom, shit she has never even slept in there apart from last night with me after what happened. She slept in my bed with me, a place nobody else has ever been or ever will be, only Ana.
She felt cheap accepting gifts. She knew her worth; she is shy but smart and independent, self-sufficient. She is a giver not a taker like so many others I have known. Other girls would have taken anything I had to offer and ran but she really loved me and all she truly desired was my love and my heart nothing more. She has it but she just doesn't know it yet, she will.
I head to my office upstairs careful not to glance at my playroom door as I pass. It's just too painful to think of her in there, crying in pain while I whipped her with a strap for my own sick pleasure. The vision of her crying and running from me. Oh God this pain is going to destroy me. I don't know how I can get through this. I set the box down on my desk and carefully construct my glider. After I finish assembling 2 hours later (it was quite intricate) I paint each line with careful precision and place it down to dry. I will have Taylor get me a glass case so I can display it in my office at GEH
Taylor has already set surveillance up for Ana as well on a CCTV that I can access. He said she has not left her apartment since returning this morning. He told me she cried the entire ride and wouldn't let him walk her inside or help with her bags. My heart aches just hearing this. I want to email her to tell her I'm sorry but I know she no longer has a computer or internet access on her old cell phone. I must call her to see if she is okay. After 2 rings I realize I can hear the phone ringing from downstairs and I glance over the railing and realize the blackberry is here and that she had set all her calls to be forwarded to it. I have no way to reach her. She is so stubborn. She can barely afford to pay her rent and buy clothing and yet she won't accept a bit of help from me.
I left the boring fundraiser quickly, Anastasia was supposed to accompany me this evening, she was going to wear a gown that I had bought for her and I close my eyes and imagine how lovely she would have looked tonight with the earring I purchased for her, instead I know she is probably lying in bed crying over me and if I know her well she hasn't been eating very much. Oh Ana please call me baby. Taylors security team has been checking in hourly and said she has not left the apartment but they saw her walk past the window about 15 minutes ago and can see the TV is on. Maybe I should go there and see her. No she doesn't want to see me; she left me she needs time. I have to apologize for what I've done. I need to do something special to prove how much she means to me. She hates gifts but maybe if I make it personal she will accept my apology. I need to sleep on it.
As I lay in my bed all I can see is her. I close my eyes and try to imagine she is here with me. I long to touch her and make love to her, I want to worship her beautiful body. My cock is hard as a rock just thinking about her. I need to relieve myself and I imagine sucking her soft breasts, licking her sweet sex and loving and fucking her. I have never really felt the need to masturbate except when I was a horny teenager. I have always been sexually fulfilled anytime I wanted or need it since I was 15. Even the months I went without subs, I worked out with Claude to blow off steam and occasionally went to a few places where I could indulge in my lifestyle with women who shared the same desires. As I stroke my cock faster and faster I imagine it's her, my Ana with her lips wrapped tightly around my cock sucking and ravishing me. I keep my eyes shut tight so I don't have to face reality just yet. I stroke myself hard and fast rubbing and moaning and calling her name and I come painfully all over my stomach and let out a sob. How I wish it was her. I took her for granted. I treated her like a sex object when the truth is all I have ever done in my mind is made love to her. Yeah it took the edge off of my previous lifestyle when we were rough but nothing pleased me more than burying myself in her and slowing making love to her while she came apart at the seams. I have awakened her to her sexuality and I fear now that she is aware of it she will look elsewhere if I can't win back her love. If any other man put his hands on her body I couldn't bear it. I'd die a slow painful death before taking him with me if that was to happen. I drift off to sleep alone and uneasy at 2:50am.
I wake up from a horrific nightmare. Is 6am and I'm alone in my bed without my Ana. I miss her. I love waking up to her beautiful smile and making love to her. I miss how she looks at me. I miss everything about her. I know deep in my heart that I can never be whole without her, it's been a day and I feel like there is a gaping hole in my heart growing by the second. She is the only thing that can save me. I sent Taylor out to get me two new iPad's and spent most of the day downloading all her favorite classic British novels and making a playlist of music that reminds me of her. I want to make it personal so she knows how I feel. I am better at expressing my feelings through music. The evening we spent doing a scene to Thomas Tallis was incredible but mostly I've enjoyed just making slow sweet love to her and cherishing her beautiful body. I don't have very many photos of her and I'm not sure why. Why didn't I take photographs of her of us together? All I have of us or her is the picture that was taken at her graduation ceremony in black and white. It dawns on me that I would have met her regardless of the interview. I would have handed her diploma to her and somehow I know she would have captivated me with her beauty. Those big powdery blue eyes, she doesn't even know how beautiful she is. She is enchanting.
Taylor said she still hasn't left her apartment all day. I know she begins her new job at SIP tomorrow morning, what she doesn't know is that I already own it. The news is embargoed for 4 more weeks. I did a full background check on every employee and I'm not thrilled about her new boss Jack Hyde. Something is off with him.
I knew she had the job before she did. I need to keep her safe at all times and if it means buying the company she works for then it's a done deal. She refused to work for me where I could have kept a close eye on her but she was too proud. She didn't want to work for a boss who she was also sleeping with. She turned me down for an internship the day I met her in not so many words. She knew by the end of the interview that we would somehow meet again. We had an instant connection but I was a fool and wasted precious time trying to pursue her. If I were smarter that day I would have asked her to dinner that very night instead of waiting 5 days and going to her job and sitting through that horrible photo-shoot just so I could muster up the balls to ask her for coffee and then of course how I left her wanting in the street while I refused her plea for a kiss. That still eats away at me. I should have swept her into my arms and kissed her right at that moment. I wanted to but I was to fucking scared.
After another sleepless night without my Ana I decide to work from home this morning. I have ordered 2 dozen long stem white roses for Anastasia and they will be delivered when she arrives home from work. I wanted to wish her luck on her first day and I am hoping she will call me to thank me so I can hear her voice again. My security team in place for Ana reported to me that she took the bus to work this morning and I suddenly feel even worse. It's my fault she has no car and has to ride the bus. I know she didn't deposit the check I gave her and something tells me that's she's not planning on it. My heart is aching to see her, talk to her, and hold her. She has just $412.44 left in her bank account. I could give her the world and yet she'd rather be broke and wear bargain store clothing and shoes. She had to borrow a dress from her roommate for graduation. I overheard her thank Kate at the ceremony for lending it to her. I cannot bear for a minute to have her suffer no matter what; even if she never wants to see me again I will make sure she is provided for, for the rest of her life.
At 5:30 I park around the corner from her house she should be getting off the bus shortly and I just need to see her from a distance. At 6:04 she gets off the bus about 2 blocks from her apartment. She is casually dressed in jeans, flats and is carrying the same oversized bag she had the day I met her. She has a dark sweater on that she looks lost in. Her head is facing down as she grips herself tightly and walks home. She doesn't even glance up except to see the traffic light change. My heart is swelling with sadness seeing her like this. She seems lost and sad and I know it's all because of me. I did this to her. Katherine Kavanagh once ripped into me about all Anastasia does is cry since she's met me. I'm a monster. I have broken this once wide eyed lovely innocent happy woman. I can't forget about Leila who showed up at my place on Friday and cut her wrists in front of Ms. Jones in a desperate attempt to see me, she later took off from the hospital and hasn't been seen since. Why do I hurt innocent women like this? Although I am sad for Leila, once I find her I have no interest in any sort of relationship with her. I just need to find her some help. Ana however is the only person I have ever desired "more" with and I will give her "more" and hearts and flowers and everything she deserves if she will forgive me.
I watch her intently as she walks home. I want to run to her but I know she's not ready. I have to make my best attempt for a sincere apology and earn her trust again. She is everything I need, I know she thinks she's not enough for me because of my BDSM lifestyle but I don't care if my playroom burns to the ground as long as I can hold her and make love to her that is enough for me. I need control in all things but I'm willing to surrender all of my previous desires aside to please her and give her what she needs from me, love, trust and tenderness.
As she walks up the stairs to her door I stifle a cry and swallow a lump in my throat. I never cry for anyone ever. I see the light flicker on and I watch as she places a few things down. A few minutes later I watch the delivery man bring the flowers up to her. As he exits I watch her window carefully trying my best to get a glimpse of her. I can see her moving about and then I see her place the roses into a vase and smell them, she looks at the card and I watch her head fall into her hands as she weeps. Please don't cry baby I love you. A few minutes later her light turns off and I can see no more. I wonder if she has eaten today. I couldn't tell for sure but she looked slimmer from afar. She better be eating properly. I won't let her do harm to herself because of me and my 50 shades of fucked-upness.
The days are going painfully slow and I need to see her. I have to think of something to get her to see me or least communicate with me. She didn't call me after the flowers were delivered so that's was a failure. It dawns on me that her photographer friend is having his art show in Portland Thursday evening she asked me to take her before she left me and it's a long ride and she has no car. I can offer to drive her. Yes! please let her say yes. My insides light up with the hope that she will say yes. I have no way to reach her though via phone. I do have her new SIP email address now that I own the place so I will email her.
I write several drafts and double check to make sure I don't sound to pushy. Finally I hit send and clutch my blackberry tight in anticipation of her reply.
I sent her an email asking if she received my flowers and if she needs a lift to the art show and she accepted and thanked me for the flowers. For the first time in 4 days I feel like I can smile a little bit. I want to see my sweet girl, I miss her so much it hurts and it has nothing to do with my sexual desire. I mean I love making love to her and wouldn't mind spending every day for the rest of my life with her lying naked in my arms as I worshipped her flawless body. I only have a desire right now to hold her and let her see how much I care for her. I just need to hold her tight in my arms where she belongs and breathe in her sweet floral scent and gaze into her honest blue eyes and touch her soft silky hair. I'm 27 years old and I have never been in love before but I love Anastasia and I will do anything to make her love me again. None of my accomplishments come in at a close second to my Ana. I would give up everything I have for her. A few weeks ago I would have said the polar opposite but now I'm a changed man and all I desire is her. I do not work without her. I am broken and she's the only one who can fix me.
The personalized iPad I bought for her is complete. The outside wallpaper is of the glider that now sits in a platinum and glass case on my desk At GEH and the inside wallpaper is the graduation picture of us together that I scanned from the newspaper our only photograph together. I have boxed up her laptop, blackberry and her Audi keys and I will give it all to her when I see her. I hope she will accept them back as part of my apology. The worst part besides not being with her is not having any communication with her. It's like she just cut me off, I'm usually the one cutting people off and I never look back, but this mesmerizing beautiful woman who has captivated me holds this colossal power over me like nobody else. This pain is worse than any other that's ever been inflicted on me and she is the only person who can soothe my ravaged soul. I have about 3 hours until I pick her up from work. I am wearing my grey flannel pants that she loves with my white shirt unbuttoned at the top and my grey jacket. Most women usually find me irresistible and throw themselves at me but not Ana, she sees past all that crap and although I know she finds me attractive its what's inside that truly matters to her.
I have been so jittery all day in anticipation of seeing her. I hope she feel the same. These past 5 days have felt like an eternity without her. How can this woman I just barely met a few weeks ago have this effect on me? I have fallen hard for her, she knows me better than anyone on this planet. I have never allowed someone to get this close to me. I have told her things about me that I would have never considered telling anyone including my family, maybe just Dr. Flynn but I don't think he even knows me as well as Anastasia.
Even this week I had 4 sessions with Flynn and nothing eased my pain, even he was at a loss for words and said I had to figure this out on my own. Everyone has figured out that I love this woman, Elena, Flynn, my parents, siblings and even her brash roommate Kate, shit even my staff knows. So why is it so hard for me to accept her love? I know she loves me but I've put that all in jeopardy now. What if she's had a change of heart? I can't say I'd blame her after what happened Friday night, but it wouldn't stop me from spending the rest of my life trying to win her love back. I will never have a desire for another woman like I do for my Sweet Anastasia. I have no desire for a submissive or Dom/Sub relationship any longer, if it doesn't include her than it's never going to be enough. The thought of inflicting any more pain on this gentle loving creature is abhorrent to me.
It's 5:30pm and I am waiting outside of SIP, the moment is finally here when I get to see her. I'm overwhelmed with emotion and nerves but I need to keep it together as I am sure she is in a very vulnerable state and I need to make her understand that she can trust me and feel safe with me again. I want to protect her and shield her from further pain the pain I have caused her. I can't lay some heavy guilt trip on her to win her back. I want her to want to come back to me. Its 5:41 pm, where is she already? I'm crawling out of my skin, oh wait there she is breathe Grey breathe. My heart lights up as I see her walking from the elevator towards the front of the lobby, she is wearing that plum dress that belongs to her roommate, a black jacket and very high heeled knee length leather boots that I also know belongs to her roommate, she wore them during the photo-shoot at the Heathman hotel. It really pisses me off that she is borrowing shit from anyone especially a basic need like clothing when I can give her the world. Right now though all I see is my love getting closer.
Whoa, holy hell! Ana, what the fuck happened to her? She looks so thin so frail. Her already too slight frame looks frail and gaunt. She must have lost 5 or 10 pounds since Friday which means she hasn't eaten. I am furious but most of all regretful. It's my fault I did this to her, although she left me it seems she's been starving herself possibly out of heartbreak and sadness like me. Everything else aside I will not allow her to harm herself. I need her healthy. I suddenly feel like a demon, my joy of seeing her for the first time in 5 days has turned to horror and sadness. I can feel my whole face tighten as she gets closer to the car and her slender frame looks even thinner. Who is that fucker following behind her? Taylor opens the door to the car and Anastasia bends down and climbs in with a shy smile as she looks me up and down. I get a look of her sweet face, now almost translucent from her weight loss but I can't hide my feelings about this and it just pops out of my mouth.
"When did you last eat?" I snap at her as Taylor closes the door behind me.
"Hello Christian, It's nice to see you too" she mumbles. I don't want her smart mouth right now even though I've missed it. My heart constricts with fear and regret for what I've done to her. I have hurt her physically and emotionally to the point where she is literally starving herself.
"I don't want your smart mouth now. Answer me" she looks surprised at my concern, does she not know how I feel for her? She must know by now. Her reply is that she ate a yogurt and banana today. It's the first meal she's eaten since pasta alla vongole on Friday night at my apartment she admits and I'm flooded with this crippling pang of guilt. I'm a fucking piece of crap. I don't deserve her but I need her. She rolled her big blue eyes at me as she answered and burst into laughter and I can't help but smiling back when I see her like that.
Who is that fucker waving to her? Christ how many men want her? Every time another man is in her presence they practically fall at her feet, yet she chose me of all people, a heartless unworthy sadist. "That's my boss" she says feeling awkward and gives him an uncomfortable wave.
"How are you?" I ask softly. "If I said I was fine I'd be lying" she admits to me
"Me too" more than she will ever know "I miss you" I say to her gently as I look into her now teary eyes. She's trying to hold it back but I know her and before I can think I grab her hand in to mine. Oh I have missed her touch so desperately; our contact sets her tears free as she sobs softly. "Oh baby no" I tell her as I grab her close and pull her on to my lap. I breathe in her heady and deliciously sweet scent and kiss her soft hair. "I have missed you so much Anastasia" I admit and she cries harder as I hold her tightly and close to my chest. This is where she belongs, close to my heart. She is mine, part of my soul. I will never let her go. I love her and I need her always. She doesn't pull away from me and I know she missed me too now. It's going to be okay. I take a deep breath and grip her tighter. My heart suddenly feels lighter and I'm flooded with relief and hope that Ana has forgiven me. I hope.
Thanks for reading. All rights of the characters belong to EL James and the 50 shades trilogy. No copyright intended. Just my interpretation of what Christian may have felt while Ana and he were apart for those few days.