Note: Y'know I really did want to release this chapter relatively soon after the second one but life was like NO PLAY LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW INSTEAD and I was all oh fine I'll do that but then I also started playing Big Rigs? And then I felt the compulsive need to catch up to Medaka Box and there was also schoolwork and adhfbherfwe anyway here's a third chapter. I'd like to thank reviewers for reviewing and pardoning my severely broken French.
Fun fact: I wrote most of this chapter to my playlist of Koda Kumi's very skankiest songs. It was very fitting.
Act 1: Bargaining
Haeres, finalis spes.
"I can't believe this person just won't wake up. It's already been a day, yet he's still out cold. Is he in a coma or something?" Lili sighed exasperatedly.
"It can't be helped, knowing his situation. Actually, we know nothing about the situation. Forget I ever said that. Purge it from your mind." Asuka mimicked Lili's sigh, and proceeded to rise from the sofa they had been occupying.
"Hm? Are you headed somewhere?"
"Yes, this very big and sweaty guy is starting to stink up the place. I'm gonna go get Hwoarang, see if he'll give him a bath for us or whatever."
"Ah, the ever-handy Korean manservant, yes. Do give him my regards, but don't word them too affectionately. I wouldn't want him getting the wrong idea."
"Er, right. I'll only be gone a minute. Don't even think of taking advantage of the situation, okay?"
Asuka stood in front of a peculiar scene. It was the day after she and Lili had found a (supposedly Spanish) gentleman knocked out on the street, and he had now become a semi-comatose visitor in their modest apartment. There he was, clothes half-undone, his prominent musculature on full display, sprawled out on their rather red sofa. Occupying the small, non-Spaniard filled portion of said sofa was Lili, who smiled in disbelief at the Japanese girl.
"I'll try to retain myself, mon amie." She said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Now go and keep the valet from dying of loneliness."
Taking one last glance at the blonde behind her, Asuka exited their apartment.
"Mal à l'aise"
"What did I tell you about taking advantage!?"
"You were gone for forty minutes, Asuka! I had to make my own fun, okay? What took you so long, anyway?"
Asuka groaned. "Hwoarang didn't wanna do it, obviously, so I just beat him up until he agreed to it." She then pointed towards the semi-lifeless body, unmoved from its spot on the sofa. "Would you…? Because he'll be here in a few minutes."
"Eh, it'll give him something more to clean up, yes? I always thought our valet could use to learn some discipline." Lili started packing up her handy-dandy makeup kit, which she had used to amuse herself for the past 40 minutes. "But, hey. He looks really pretty now, right?"
Asuka studied the unconscious Spaniard's heavily made-up face. He may have looked pretty about five pounds of mascara ago, but right now he looked about ready to head to a drag queen competition. Had she really been gone that long?
As if to tell Asuka to stop having a non-staredown with the sleeping beauty, Hwoarang burst through their flimsy door, holding an ice bag to his head.
"I am not giving him a bath."
"Hwoarang, please. We already went through this when I shattered that table with your head."
"Speaking of which, you're gonna have to pay for that!"
The notion of having to pay for something made Lili suddenly cease ignoring the scene unfolding in front of her, thus she decided to speak up.
"Valet, this most probably Spanish gentleman is getting rather odorous. Giving him a bath is the only way to alleviate that, I am afraid. We can't do that. Asuka and I are girls, and that would be weird."
Asuka smiled and nodded. "Exactly. You're both guys, so it's okay."
"Oh, you mean like how girls tend to feel each other up in hot springs? I've seen that a lot in some of the entertainment around here."
"That's not actually—"
"Will you two shut up!?" Having had enough of their yapping, Hwoarang raised his voice against the two delicate, and now startled, maidens. "I… I'm not getting out of this, am I?"
The grin that crossed Lili's face was a very devious one. "I see you're finally beginning to learn your place, valet. You are to carry the man to your place post-haste, where you shall proceed to give him a very thorough scrub-down."
"Does that mean…" Hwoarang looked around nervously, "…I'll have to strip him naked?"
"No, you're supposed to hose him down with his clothes on, obviously." Asuka sighed. "Yes, you have to get him naked."
"You should lend him some of your clothes, too. I mean, for that extra freshness." Lili smiled.
"Don't forget to carefully and meticulously wash his every nook and cranny, okay?" A rather dangerous-looking spark was forming in Asuka's eyes.
The two girls had literally backed Hwoarang to a wall. He was beginning to think that this was becoming about something more than just giving the alleged Spaniard a wash.
He gave a long, drawn-out sigh, as if he were raising the white flag. He had surrendered to his destiny.
"…alright. I'll do it. But you two are buying me chicken teriyaki later, okay?"
Lili and Asuka broke their stares at Hwoarang and looked at each other. They then nodded.
"We accept your terms." Lili made a waving motion with her hand. "Now, do be off. We have precious little time to spare."
And so, Hwoarang struggled to pick up the unconscious gentleman and again struggled to carry him over to his apartment. You can do it, Hwoarang!
"I can't do this," Hwoarang groaned.
"You can, you must, and you will." Asuka shot Hwoarang a vaguely threatening smile. "Now do it."
Act 2: Acceptance
The time: 13:37PM
The place: Hwoarang's bathroom.
The apartment building wasn't especially fancy, and affordable for just about anyone with any income at all. Hwoarang, one with the very prestigious occupation of, quote, 'part time delivery bitch' for a semi-respectable delivery service, took full advantage of the landlord's almost suspicious generosity, and rented his modest but spacious apartment for not very much money at all.
There had to be a catch.
However, none of that was going through his mind at the moment, as he was faced with a more sizeable problem. Namely, the very large man spread out on the floor, still out cold.
Hwoarang's instructions were simple. He intently stared at the crumpled piece of paper in his hand, recalling its origins. The snooty European girl's voice echoed throughout his head.
"You seriously need me to write this down? Well, I do suppose some people are simply too uneducated to comprehend the very concept of memory."
The Korean man's brain was clearly not in working order, as his attempts to filter out her verbal abuse failed miserably.
"First off, and this is supremely obvious, you need to get him down to your place."
Hwoarang stared down the unconscious man. He briefly wondered why he had on very heavy makeup, but decided to eventually dismiss it. At any rate, step one complete.
"Now, the primary goal behind this operation is to bathe the most probably Spanish gentleman. In order to do that, you need him to disrobe, yes? Of course, he can't do that, being all unconscious. Thus, you must undress him yourself. You are familiar with the procedure, are you not? I can explain it to you if I must, but it really is rather tiresome."
Taking a few steps closer to the mostly non-dead man, Hwoarang swallowed copious amounts of air. The hole had been dug, and it was a very deep one. At the very bottom of it was Hwoarang, curled up into foetal position. There was no getting out of this hole. This was something he had to do, he reassured himself as he proceeded to unbuckle the burlier man's belt.
A clacking of champagne glasses could be heard as the two girls celebrated the victory over their neighbour.
They were actually just drinking orange juice, though. As if they could afford champagne.
"I could afford champagne," Lili sighed, "about a year ago."
Asuka chuckled, smiling brighter than the sun itself. "This is no time for moping, Lili. We won! D'you think Hwoarang's scrubbing down the Aussie as we speak?"
Lili giggled softly. "If I know our Korean valet, and I do, he's probably still struggling to disrobe the man." Taking another sip of the rather cheap juice, she then shot the Japanese girl a rather piercing glare. "Also, he's Spanish, not Australian."
The two then proceeded to inhale their vaguely pathetic drinks in complete silence.
"I feel like we're missing something. Don't you?" An air of uneasiness surrounded the apartment, which Asuka took full note of.
Lili nodded. "Indeed. Perhaps we should make our way over to valet de chambre, just to see if he's doing a proper job, of course."
The two nodded once more. It was just business, no ulterior motives.
Well, maybe a few ulterior motives.
"And I do believe those are the most basic of basics in the art of disrobing another person. Please refrain from asking me why I know this, I just do. Let us see, what's next…?"
Hwoarang stared at his watch. The time was 14:44PM, meaning that he had been in there for well over an hour. He looked up from his wrist, the man still lying on the floor. Two changes had taken place since we last left our heroes. For one, the man was now down to his underwear. As for the other, his position looked a whole lot less comfortable.
You can do this, Hwoarang, he thought to himself. Master Baek didn't train a pussy. He trained a full-blown wimp!
A new fire had appeared in Hwoarang's eyes. With determination in his movements, he quickly yanked off the man's red boxers, cryptically labelled 'luchador'.
I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'm not looking, I'mnotlookingI'mnotlookingI'mnotlookingI'mnotlooking…
Hwoarang stood triumphantly over the naked (and still comatose) body of the man, smiling awkwardly to himself.
As if on cue, the bathroom door was then assaulted by furious knocking.
"Are you about done in there?" A soft, feminine voice sounded from beyond the room.
A cold sweat ran down the startled Korean's entire body as he slowly drooped down. "Y-yeah, I just got his clothes off! I just need to do the… scrubby, washy… thing, and—"
"What!?" A much harsher, louder voice screamed out in frustration. "You've been in there for over an hour and you still aren't done!?"
"See, I told you."
Ignoring the commanding screams of his neighbours, Hwoarang decided to redirect his attentions to the task at hand.
It was then that he fully realised that he was practically straddling a very naked, very unconscious man. A very naked, very unconscious man who actually seemed to be coming to.
"No please no please no no no no no no…" The younger man whispered to himself as the more robust man's eyes slowly opened.
If he is to wake up, well… Hwoarang struggled to recall Lili's earlier words.
You're probably screwed. But hey, it'll be your mess to deal with. An unlikely one, though. You'll probably be fine, dear.
Lili had departed those words with a radiant smile and a gentle pat to Hwoarang's head. Imagining her blue, passively malevolent eyes wouldn't do any good here. They had gotten him into this mess to begin with. Plus, stark reality of the situation becoming starker and realer by the second.
"What the who huh?"
A charismatic smile crossed the man's lips. And yet somehow, Hwoarang found himself deeply unnerved by said smile.
"Sis…" Even though he had awakened, the man appeared to be completely out of it. "I knew you'd come around eventually…"
Hwoarang frantically looked around as the nude gentleman slowly crawled over to him.
"Th-there's no 'sis' over here! Just boring old me!" All instincts pointed towards the bathroom door, where Hwoarang could escape from this undesirable situation. "I-I'm gonna get out of here now, okay!? H-he awoke, okay!?"
"Gee, that's too bad. Guess this'll be more of a challenge now." A voice sounded from beyond the door to freedom.
At that exact moment, Hwoarang let his guard down for a fraction of a second. This mistake caused him to get caught in an iron grip of death. Or something similar, anyway.
The man, still seeming somewhat intoxicated, had a gleeful smile on his face.
"I have you now, sis… We're gonna have ourselves some alegría."
"I don't know what that means!"
"Don't struggle; it makes it harder for me to remove your underwear."
"You're gonna what!? G-gaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"Were you always this robust, sis?"
"Lili! Asuka! Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!"
"Shhhh… there's no need to scream. Just yet, anyway."
As the screams of anguish continued, the terrible twosome stood just outside the crime scene with blank expressions on their faces.
"D-d'ya think we should help him?" The Japanese girl said to her partner in crime, who shrugged.
"Eh. It's his fault for being so terribly slow." The blonde's face lightened up. "Let us wait this out with some delectable tea, yes?"
With consent from both sides, Lili and Asuka proceeded to raid Hwoarang's kitchen for tea, his screams only letting up approximately fifteen minutes later.
"Wow, this is the best tea he has? I pity the poor fellow."
Act 3: Poppin' love cocktail
Uh-huh, uh-huh, kiss me, baby.
Due to the traumatic events of Act 2, Hwoarang will not be joining the cast for the following exposition dump.
"So, you have awakened."
The stage had changed to Lili and Asuka's place, as the Korean's sobbing had grown too loud for people to have a conversation. The recently conscious and probably European man had re-migrated to their sofa, while the two females stood in front of him, ready for the interrogation.
"Er… y-yeah?" Confusion ruled over his expression and voice.
"Before we start…" Asuka's voice was tinged with anxiousness. "What country are you from!?"
"J-just answer, okay?"
The man alternated looks between girls. The brunette seemed tense and nervous, but the blonde had only a smug smile on her face.
Lili laughed triumphantly. "That would be the sound of you presenting me with one thousand yen, yes?"
Asuka angrily extracted the currency from her wallet and handed it over to Lili. "Ugh, fine. Stupid Europeans…"
"Don't badmouth Europe, Asuka. We're just better than everyone else, sorry." Lili smiled kindly at the now definitely Spanish man. "Aren't we, dear?"
"Who are you people?"
"Mon dieu, how enormously rude of me." Lili cleared her throat. "I am Lili Rochefort, la reine de beautémagnifique. The other girl is my loyal subject, Asuka."
Asuka decided to not give Lili the satisfaction of having her 'subject' remark countered. "We found you passed out yesterday. You seemed to have fallen from the sky. Somehow."
"I remember!" The man dramatically rose up from his seat, startling the poor maidens. "I was latching onto the plane my dear hermana boarded, when I suddenly blacked out! I must have fallen to the ground from there."
"Who's Hermana?" Lili whispered to Asuka.
"I think he's doing the same 'sprinkling other language into speech' thing you keep doing." She whispered back.
"Oh, I see. Wait, he was latching onto a plane?"
"That's right! Out of passion and amor! All I wish is to see that my dearest sister remains safe." He triumphantly put his hands on his hips, smiling brilliantly.
Definitely a weirdo, the two girls noted.
"That's great. Awesome." Asuka sighed. "I'm gonna go check on Hwoarang or whatever."
"You do that, dearie." Lili motioned for Asuka to leave, which she eventually did. Asuka's act of leaving the premises had left Lili and the Spanish man all alone in awkward silence.
"Speaking of which," Lili disrupted the aforementioned awkward silence with, "I didn't get your name, dear."
"You see, because there's only so many ways one can say 'Spanish man'. An actual name would be nice."
The man identified himself as Miguel Cabellero Rojo with a charming, radiant smile. Indeed, he and Lili hailed from the very same Superior Continent™.
"Miguel, you say? What an excellently European name. Très bien." Lili returned his smile, but found herself unable to keep her gaze from wandering to his manly chest, currently barely restrained by one of Hwoarang's rather small t-shirts.
Not one to be distracted by appealingly-shaped gentlemen, her attentions were instead fixed on the shiny.
"And as a connoisseur of fine jewellery, I simply must compliment your exuberant silver crucifix." Lili's eyes had a rarely-seen sparkle to them. "Yes, I can tell it's silver because of my wealthy European eyes."
There was apparently more than one kind of European eyes. Miguel, however, was mildly confuddled.
"Que? I don't remember putting a crucifix on…" Miguel looked down at his chest. Indeed, there was an extravagantly detailed crucifix hanging from his neck.
"That is very peculiar." Lili sighed. "I'd definitely remember something like that."
Just as the words escaped Lili's luscious lips, the door to the modestly modest apartment was rather crudely kicked down by armed soldiers.
Not paying any mind to the rather startled inhabitants of the room, the soldiers lined up neatly and saluted the person walking through the now-destroyed door.
A Japanese male, approximately in his mid-20s, entered the room. He wore sunglasses that cost more than your house, an extravagant leather trench coat, and a truly ridiculous hairdo.
Jin Kazama removed his sunglasses in an overly dramatic fashion, his very blonde assistant person, Nina Williams, joining him at his side.
"We have a problem."
To Be Continued