Hi. My name is Sasuke, and I have been kidnapped to be used as a narrative device against my own will. My purpose here is to read you of a story submitted by some adolescent female, because my kidnapper is apparently too humiliated to narrate it herself. Why she doesn't just kill the bitch, I don't know.
Once upon a time, there was a man, named Itachi, who was drop-dead gorgeous with silky, black, raven hair, and crimson, ruby eyes. He was also very fit and muscular. But not like bulky muscular, ew, but lean muscular. And he was evil. But not like kill-babies evil, but like badass-Sephiroth-in-leather-pants evil.
Finally, he was alone because his partner was not gorgeous enough to accompany him, and thus, somewhere else killing things.
Then, suddenly, "Itaaaatchii-kun!" came a shriek- I mean, angelic voice of absolute purity. A girl appeared. Where did she appear? I'm not sure, because there's no background written here. But for the sake of this story, I'll say it was wherever Itachi was standing.
Now, I must begin our necessary exposition of the girl. The girl had long, black hair that led up to her butt. It had red and purple streaks. She had one purple eye, and one blue eye, and both eyes were on her head, and her head was on her neck, which was skin colored, which was pale as the moon. And besides her hair, eye, and skin color, we know absolutely nothing about her physical appearance past that she was of surreal beauty.
Ow, fuck, what now- Oh, how could I forget. Her clothes. She had a black corset with laces, leather boots with heels six inches high that made walking impractical, fishnet stockings, pink cat ears, a T-shirt with the name of her favorite band, a necklace with five silver shells, three crystal earrings and a jade amulet she got from the goddess Amaterasu - damn this list is long - a phoenix tattoo on her leg, a dragon tattoo on her back because she's Lisbeth's alter ego, fangs because she's secretly a vampire, a pair of wings because her mother is a sphinx, two pairs of gloves with Duel Kingdom stars around them, a tiara given by Lucifer, a pendant filled with holy water that can revive the dead, a cute miniskirt with chains, and a halo above her head.
And after one look, Itachi knew he was in love with this... thing. Because you see, her name was Mary Sue and she had a special power no one else had, called Love!Power.
"Itatchi-sama, I love you too! I know it's dangerous, but I'll come with you to Atakasuki and join you, and we'll make lots of babies together." And then she kissed him again and again, until she woke up with a pillow covered in saliva.
It was a dream, thank god, and thank you for the mental scars.
"Damn!" said the creature named Mary Sue. "Looks like I'll just have to make the dream a reality!"
And thus, she set off to find her 324,163th soul mate. The only problem that she could potentially face was, of course, finding him, since thousands had tried and failed before her. He was so impossible to find that tracking him down had turned into a crucial plotting device in the original series.
But this isn't the original series. This is the work of some adolescent girl just out of middle school, so instead, Mary Sue will just bump into the object of her desire exactly the moment she wanted him.
Only this time, after a whole three steps out of her bed, there was still no man. She grew impatient. So she pulled a magical crystal ball out of her pocket - because if you were paying attention earlier, I told you she was wearing a miniskirt and those are always equipped with pockets big enough to hold crystal balls - and asked where Itatchi-sama-kun was.
I bless the artificial intelligence of said device for it to have interpreted her noise accurately. It gave a picture a tea shop at the border of a country that my blasted kidnapper has whited out the name of, or else I would have long electrocuted her and everyone within vicinity and hopped there myself.
However, Itachi wasn't some stupid fool who can't sense danger coming. The second his intuition alerted him, he made advanced preparations. So after Mary Sue used Teleportation!Power to go to a destination she hadn't the faint inkling the geographic location of, she only saw a restaurant full of not-gorgeous people.
Said not-gorgeous people, including the waiters and staff, were too blinded by the walking fashion disaster to make any comment that would interrupt the flow of the story. Because who ever heard of the beautiful heroine's daring quest being ruined by the manager kicking her out? Thus, everyone shall all be turned to voiceless statues by Medusa!Power until further notice.
Well, everyone except the person Mary Sue wanted to interact with, which in this case was an elderly man enjoying his cup of oolong.
"You there!" shrieked Mary Sue in her angelic melody, "Where is Uchiha Itatchi!"
Mary Sue gasped at the ignorance of the man, because how can anyone not know of the Uchiha Itatchi!
Moreover, everyone must equally must have recognized his super conspicuous presence within the tea shop. And it was just impossible for anyone to not know of his current location, which explained why tracking him down had been such a real bitch for the real cast members.
I would take a moment to applaud the excellent use of logic within this story, had my hands not been bound.
"Oh come on! You know! Weasel-chan, the handsome mass murderer that, like, killed his entire clan. Well, except for his brother Sasugay, and me, his long lost sister slash lover with secret blood of the Uzu-Senji-Huuguya clan who happens to also be Orochimaro's daughter."
I feel the need to clarify that she is blatantly lying, because after realizing someone actually wrote this script, I feel it in my bones that there exist other idiots who will equally buy this shit.
Meanwhile, the elderly man blinked and shook his head, causing Mary Sue to throw her head back in exasperation. "Here's some pictures!" Because, surprise, Mary Sue was also secretly a fangirl who had been stalking and saving the pictures from many fanclubs, including but not limited to:
The KisaIta fanclub, the ItaSasu fanclub, the MadaIta fanclub, the MadaItaSasu fanclub, the OroIta fanclub, the ItaKaka fanclub, the ItaNaru fanclub- okay, what the hell, why are all these pairings gay? What do you mean, so are most of mine? You know what, I don't want to know.
"I don't have him with that pink haired bitch, because she sucks," said Mary Sue triumphantly. "But I do like him with Hana or Temari, because they're actually me in disguise. Ah yes, we have history." She brushed back her gorgeously long hair of sunshine.
After a cough, the elderly man pushed the pornographic photos away and said, "I believe the young man you are looking for has already left."
"What! That cannot do! Even though I do have Speed!Power and can travel around the planet within a second, I'm too lazy to move, so I'll just summon-no-jutsu him, hehe."
"I am not sure a summoning works in such a manner," said the elderly man, but Mary Sue already had pulled from her hair out the chopstick that I totally mentioned before in that giant wardrobe paragraph earlier. The chopstick was actually a magical wand that she stole from her 84,631th soul mate, Draco Malfoy. She waved it, speaking some kind of gibberish, and used her Summon!Power.
But nothing happened.
"How!" exclaimed Mary Sue, because her powers had never failed her before. Then, she said to herself, "Oh no, don't tell me that Sauske already killed him, and he's dead."
So she summoned... me... instead.
And I was apparently some fanboy who actually desired this creature, to the extent I'd blurt idiotic things so utterly out of my character. I refuse to read this degrading passage, so we're skipping it.
"Ew, no, SasUKE baka, I'm interested in your hot older brother," Mary Sue scoffed, unable to say correctly my name for the nth time. So she released her summoning and I poofed away.
There was absolutely no point what-so-ever in that above scene, except maybe show how a creature named Sasugay/Sauske/SasUKE was infatuated with her.
Now, Mary Sue was worried. "Oh no, because of The Sauce's uncontrollable love for me, he has murdered his brother out of jealousy."
Yes, the plot of this story had finally reared its ugly head. Some retard named The Sauce was chasing after some twit named Mary Sue who was chasing after some leather-pants wearing emo-boy named Itatchi. And since there are absolutely no characters from the original Naruto cast whatsoever, I fail to see how this even qualifies as a fanfic-
What do you mean that's why I'm here? Oh, I see. You can't post this shit without inserting an actual cast character or else it'll violate fanfiction policy. And I suppose I'm that dummy cast character. Peaches.
I still say the author should just publish this crap as an original work and call it Twilight 2.0.
Where was I. Oh right, Mary Sue was amidst her breakdown that her beloved was already dead before she met him, but then, she suddenly remembered that she had Revival!Power.
She took out a pocket watch with a skull covered in fire and the words Hot Topic on it. Because it revives dead people. Not that the pendant filled with holy water that I mentioned earlier didn't. Because she would never dare use anything on that stupid list you made me read.
Once again, nothing happened.
"He's not dead, after all?" Mary Sue gasped. Then instead of happy that the object of her desire was not dead, she got mad. The little bastard was avoiding her.
And indeed, he was. And not even her godly powers can change that.
"Perhaps you should be glad you cannot see him," the elderly man advised. "Since you have said he is a mass murderer and all."
"NO! It is now I who will murder him!" Mary Sue screamed, suddenly transforming into Vengeful Villain Sue. With a beam of light and a lot of Sailor Moon poses, her entire wardrobe also changed. Instead of angel wings, she now had bat wings. She also looked more gothic, and had lipstick and piercings on her lips, ears, and navel. And on her wrists are cut scars, from when she was emo due to her abusive father, and on her fingers are rings with snakes on them, and-
Are you seriously going to make me read another painful wardrobe list, not that everything else isn't already painful enough? What have I done to deserve this. I killed your god? Oh come on, you and I both know it was the disease caused by Kishimoto's plot-no-jutsu. If anything, you should have kidnapped him.
"... he has betrayed me one times too many! When I see him, I'll make sure he suffers a long painful death!" Mary Sue concluded her five page monologue, flavored with many flashbacks and mentions of the conditions of her hair or whatever sparkling emotion was in her chromatic eyes.
"And how will you accomplish that?" asked the elderly man. "Considering he has all these dangerous eye techniques and such."
"Ha! What he doesn't know is that I, too, have the Mangekyou Sharingan!" While I marvel in awe that she had managed to pronounce that correctly, she continued, "No, not just the MS, but the EMS with the Rinenenenenagan-" I spoke too soon. "-because Peine a la Vodka was my father-"
"I thought it was Orochimaro," said the elderly man.
"Both were!" raged Mary Sue at the interruption, whipping back her beautiful long silver hair with blue streaks and glitter. "Anyways, not even Peine can beat me though, since I have unlocked the 100,000,000th level of the Sharigane, a feat that no one has been able to accomplish."
"That is a commendable feat indeed," said the elderly man. "Tell me, if you were to face him, as you say you so intend, how will you avoid a snap to your neck?"
"Bah! Old man, what part of 100,000,000th level of the Sharigane do you not get? I am intangible! Nothing can touch me! But my attacks still work, thank you very much. I'll use Rose!Power and Crystal!Power and Stardust!Power to trap him, because I also have unlimited chakara, then Tskoyami him for 99999999 hours of torture, muahahaha!"
"And if, hypothetically, he has already trapped you in an elementary genjutsu, and you have been using Tsukuyomi on a figment of your imagination?"
"As if! I knew it the entire time, and had actually placed him under a genjutsu so he will think he's managed to get me, when in fact, I have already tied him up."
"What if he then turns into birds, and t'was but a clone."
"Ah, but I knew that too, because I was also a clone, and the real me was pressing a kunai against his real self's neck."
"But you are intangible, my dear, and he just steps past you."
"Err, the intangible part applies only to my clone?"
"Then what is to stop him from twisting your hand and impaling you with your own weapon?"
"... I have Immortality!Power. I can't die!"
"Then a seal with the Sword of Totsuka?"
"Psh, I can easily bust out of that with Rainbow!Power. And during this entire battle, Itatchi has realized just how much he missed me, and feared me, and cannot live without me, and apologizes for ever betraying me, and he'll never be able to bring himself to kill me anymore, so HA, I win!"
The elderly man conceded with a bow of his head. "It appears so. You are too fast, too powerful, and too beautiful for him to best you. It is just a pity that you cannot find him."
Mary Sue was sputtering. "Well, so what! He will come to me! He is too in love with my irresistible beauty to stay away for long." And with that, she stomped her feet, huffed, and waited.
"Perhaps. But perhaps he will not come any closer either, for he is not too impressed with your inner beauty."
Mary Sue gasped at the elder's audacity to imply her internal organs were not absolutely beautiful and perfect. "Excuse me? Is your heart made of divinely virgin diamonds of another realm? Is your blood the color gold by means of holy righteousness and good? See these wings? They aren't a prop, you know."
"As... grotesque... as all of those sound, it might just be possible that he is a little more put off by your personality."
Mary Sue gasped again. "How dare you! My personality is of a pure, all loving angel! Well, I do have flaws, and that is that on some days my hair sticks out or that I trip over air, because that's totally kawaii. But I have those flaws because I'm human!"
"I think the flaws are a little more fatal than a stumble or two. What he may not like is the lack of diligence to accomplish things by oneself, but by a reliance on magic or luck instead. He may not like the lack of reasoning to see through obvious facts or problems, or the lack of respect for fellow peers, his brother, or himself. But most of all, he may not like the lack of purpose you have given yourself past to wait for others to admire you and the world to fix itself."
After listening to his criticisms, Mary Sue had to hold back her tears, because she was a lot more sensitive than her nonchalant attitude suggested. Her face burning red, she yelled, "You! You're just another hater, aren't you! Oh look, Mary Sue is so annoying, Mary Sue is so stupid, ha ha ha, because you people have no one else to target than a poor scapegoat. And picking me, real creative! But in the end, you only flame me, because you're bitter at yourself and can't stand to see other people happy. You just want to destroy my innocent love for him, so I can be as miserable as you!"
Tears of pearl fell down her face, and she snatched the napkin the elderly man offered her.
"I can see you've been through a lot."
"No shit, Sherlock. My mother's dead, and my father abused me-"
"That's... not what I meant."
"I know." Mary Sue sniffled. "Do you know how many fanfictions there are out there just to mock me, this one included? I get more hate mail than that pink haired bitch or any bitch for all that matters, put together. And I keep telling myself that the world is just jealous of me... but... b-but... Just what is wrong with pursuing the one you love? That's the driving point of 99% of the plots out there, isn't it? People crowd around the website to read their SasuNaru, or NaruHina, or whatever it is the Uchiha brothers have going on, but when it comes to my love for another person, they only laugh it off! WhAAAAaaah!"
In the face of a full waterfall blast of teenage wangst, the elderly man calmly weaved the sea of water away with a jutsu, and said, "That, I am sure is both the fault of the audience and your creator. Those who read romance desire the feeling of being loved through the interaction of other characters. But you, who is solely created for this purpose, can ruin it's very effect in its openness and honesty, as they feel you are too shallow, and they themselves are too shallow."
"But I don't just want to be loved!" cried Mary Sue. "I love all my men truly, just as how I love Itatchi truly."
"If that were true, then you would have let him go. Just as how you have your objectives, so does he. He is an individual with his own things to do, his own paths to follow, not an object created to fulfill your fantasies. So, if you do love him, the least you can do is respect his wishes and not interfere."
And that was when Mary Sue realized the truth. That she did not love Itachi, or Itatchi, or Weasel-chan, or The Raven, or The Emo, or Mr. Itatchi-sama-kun or whatever it was. Because if she did leave him to pursue his own goals, then she'd be bored as fuck. It's the reason why she skimmed through canon anyway, and never bothered to learn the correct spelling of his name.
No, she didn't care about him. She hadn't the slightest consideration for him anymore than for the half a million readers who had to suffer from her existence. In the end, she only wanted what the elderly man said, the feeling of being loved by a hot badboy. A shallow puddle.
Mary Sue hung her head.
Then she rebounded.
"Okay! Screw the world, and screw him! I don't love him~ I don't care a crap about his goals or dreams or shit, and I certainly as hell don't give a duck's ass about keeping his brother Susuke-kun safe. I just want him as my boy toy, and once I find him, I'll make sure he's in a pair of matching Hot Topic pants as he woos me and loves me for eternity, muahahaha!"
And thus, the elder and I both facepalmed. One delusion gone, ninety-nine million left to go.
Because in a world with those who hate, there exist an equal and opposite force who go crazy for awesome shit like this. And if my kidnapper had her way, my brother would have long been a pirate in the Caribbean, with a badass bandana and pistol at his side, she playing a sluttier version of Keira Knightley. Why this fanfiction never got published? Because she fell in love with homoerotic incest before it was completed, and I shall hate her forever.
With a vague smile, the elder said, "Actually, I heard Hatake Kakashi of Konoha is still an eligible bachelor, and he loves this Hot Topic of which you speak of."
Mary Sue whipped around and her colorful eyes widened. "OMG! Really! Kyyaaaah!" Mary Sue jumped and squealed, thus causing a certain jounin sensei a hundred miles away to look down from his book and shake with the indescribable feelings of the heebie-jeebies. "Kakashi is only like... the hottest guy ever! That confirms it! By crossing stars, we're soul mates!"
With that, Mary Sue took out her Pink-Wig-of-Mass-Deconstruction, which also coincidentally allowed her to teleport, and left for her 324,164th soul mate.
And that was when Itachi counted to three. Then, he lowered his tea, paid his bill, and exited the restaurant.
No one in the world could outrun, outpower, or outbeauty the Mary Sue.
But it really wasn't difficult to outsmart her with a simple henge.
Thank god, the end.
Now untie me, bitch- hey, where'd you go? Hey!
What sick joke are you-dskfgnl sfmsd f 354u q3etd...-
The narrator of this story has been kidnapped for other story telling purposes, mainly a central role in other oneshots Lily decides to shit out during her agony to update existing ones. Do not fear. We will not harm him. Much. Only put him in a dress. And that's the most spoilers you're getting. Now go back to your life. Or rave of recent Naruto chapters. Especially you, Obitotobi fans. This message will now explode in T minus negative zero seconds.