Every morning, for as long as she can remember, has been lacking something.
She has woken up with an aching in her whole body.
Sometimes she's been all alone. Sometimes she's seen her latest mistake sleeping next to her.
Every time she's wanted to just throw her head back on the pillow and sleep until the ache is gone. Until the numbing feeling disappear. But that would never happen. That would take forever she thought.
But now, now it's gone.
Because waking up in Nate's arms was all she ever needed.
He makes everything better. He makes the ache and the numbness and all her stored up sadness simply vanish.
She rolls over on her side, watches him sleep. He literally looks like an angel.
Minutes goes by and all she does is to stare at him. Sees his chest go up and down steadily, hears his small breaths. All the time with a big smile on her face.
Slowly his eyes open and he is smiling too.
"What are you doing, Serena?" He asks lightly.
"Oh, just staring at you." She laughs and he starts tickling her. Knows how much she hates that.
"No, no. Stop" She squeals. Even though she enjoys his hands all over her body.
He lets go of her when she seems to be all out of air.
"Remember when we were kids and I tickled you anywhere anytime?" He smiles at the memories.
She curls up next to him.
"Yes, you know I at times only pretended to hate it? I liked the attention and the closeness."
She says and kisses his shoulder blade.
He laughs a little again.
"And I only tickled you as an excuse to be near you and touch your warm skin."
She rolls over on her stomach and looks at him.
Her eyes are blank now, she doesn't even know why. This just reminds her of everything. Everything they've shared and every year apart. They could have had more time, more memories.
She strokes his face.
"I love you so much."
She has to say it. Has to scream it loud at any occasion. Because she has deprived him of those words for way too long.
He kisses her as an answer.
Sometimes love doesn't need words.
Because of him she knows that. Because he shows it every day.
She isn't any good at it, therefore she has to say it. Often. Because no one deserves to hear it more than him.
The kiss deepens and she surrenders to it completely. Then he starts kissing her neck and she purrs contently. She straddles him while his lips are still on her skin.
They didn't have sex yesterday, just stayed up half the night talking and kissing. Now, her body tells her how much she has missed the feel of him. How she aches for them to really be together completely.
His hands move up her body, he is taking all of her in. Remembers every curve, every mole on her back, every scar from her many adventures. Nothing could have ever made him forget anything of her.
He groans in her ear with his hands on her hips. Her lips finds his again, as his hands notice her breathing increasing. In one movement he manages to roll her over and pin her down beneath him.
"Nate.." She moans as their hands are intertwined.
He feels her whimper beneath him as he thrusts inside her.
They fit so perfectly and this is all so natural that he can't believe how long it is since they've been fully together.
He goes deeper inside of her with every thrust and she moans louder and louder. She is close to the edge now and all of her wants to fall over.
All the stored up feelings and emotions and tension need a release.
He kisses her tenderly as she comes with his name on her lips. Then he follows her and collapses on top of her.
She kisses him, strokes his neck, then lets her fingers get lost in his hair. He is soon kissing her neck again.
They are ready for another round right away, but then her phone starts buzzing.
She makes an annoyed sound as he rolls off her.
"It's probably nothing important." She says and reaches for her phone.
She shows him the phone without saying anything.
They haven't talked about Blair. About how she lied and that everything could have been different.
They haven't talked about how to handle it all.
Serena lets it go to voicemail. Doesn't know what to say to her best friend. She is hurt and angry and upset. But doesn't even know if she has the right to be.
Just knows that she is so mad, because Blair deprived her of a new chance with Nate.
"I don't know what to say to her." Serena whispers, feels her eyes get blank.
Her and Blair were in such a good place now. A part of her doesn't want to lose that. But the other part is the one that can't let this go.
"I can't believe she lied back then. And that she has kept it all these years. She is just.." He stops, Serena can see how much this upsets him too.
The phone starts buzzing again. Blair isn't one to give up.
She doesn't answer it this time either.
Serena climbs out of bed and reaches for her clothes.
"I have to take this in person." She tells Nate, he nods in agreement.
"I'll come with you." He stands up.
Serena shakes her head. This, she has to do alone. If both of them go to see her it will feel like they are gaining up on her, attacking her two against one. Serena won't do that to her.
"I have to this alone." She kisses him, rests her head a little against his as they part.
Closes her eyes and feels his breath on her skin.
"She is still fragile and I.." He stops her with a finger to her lips.
"I understand, Serena" He sighs.
He hasn't seen Blair since they decided to get a divorce. Seeing him might not be the best thing for her now. Least of all an angry him.
"I'm here for you when you need me to be"
She kisses the corner of his mouth sweetly and sighs. Doesn't want to leave right now
But she needs to get some answers.
Blair and Dan walks hand in hand to his loft.
They don't even let go of each other when they're inside.
Blair sighs happily, this place might be one of her favorites.
Who would have thought that Brooklyn would rank so high for Blair Waldorf?
"We should move in together." She says firmly and suddenly, can't see why they should wait.
"Here?" Dan asks, totally aboard on the idea of them living together. But he imagines Blair needs bigger space for only her shoe collection.
She lets go of his hand and studies the loft.
"We might need bigger space." She says, brows furrowed. Confirms his thoughts.
"But we should keep this place, come here when we need to hide from the world a little." She smiles, walks over to him and kisses him lightly.
She wraps her arms around him.
"You didn't answer though."
She eyes him. He just smiles.
"Daniel Humphrey, will you move in with me?"
He pretends to think about it, she gets more and more annoyed.
"Of course I will, Blair Cornelia Waldorf." He kisses her again, strokes her hair tenderly.
Then someone is knocking on the door so they part and stare at each other in confusion. No one knows that they are there.
Blair walks over to the door and opens it a little nervous.
It's just Serena.
Blair's whole face light up when she sees her and Serena's stomach does a turn.
"Hey" She says, with no enthusiasm whatsoever.
Blair doesn't seem to notice. Just invites her in and says she was trying to get a hold of her earlier. Serena blocks out all her words unintentionally. She is just so distracted by Dan standing there and the awful feeling in her stomach.
"We're together now!" Blair squeals and Serena gives her a little smile. She looks so happy.
Serena almost forgets why she's even there in the first place.
"Congratulations" Is all she manages to say.
Dan is smiling in the background.
"I need to talk to you alone, B." Serena says and looks over at Dan.
Blair stops smiling. Serena looks so serious all of a sudden. Blair gets a bad feeling deep down in her stomach. Something is not right.
"Everything you say to me, you can say in front of him." She says firmly.
"Are you sure?" Serena asks, a little colder than intended.
Blair cringes. Doesn't know what the next words out of her mouth will be. It can't be about the abortion. Serena would never say that to anyone. Blair knows that.
She can't say it.
Blair slowly nods, Dan doesn't do anything. He is still standing in the background, no smile though.
"Me and Nate had a long conversation yesterday." Serena starts, Blair is quiet.
"We worked out some things." Her expression is hard.
Blair hearts starts beating faster. She fears some of those things. Her secret. She looks at Serena again. And then she knows. Her secret is no longer a secret. Serena knows. Nate knows.
"Serena.." Blair starts. Serena just shakes her head.
"How could you? How could you lie to me about him not wanting to see me? You knew how much I loved him!"
Dan looks at them both in confusion. There is most certainly something he is missing.
"I cried in your arms that day. And you sat there lying to my face. You didn't even give him my message!" Serena is yelling now, her eyes filling with tears of both anger and sadness.
"You were coming home to take him from me." Blair says, her words small. Almost not hearable.
"I didn't know you were dating him again. You didn't tell me anything real." Serena says.
"We weren't." Blair answers, her arms crossed.
Dan wants to leave. Feels like an intruder. He goes to his bedroom, doesn't even think that they notice, they are too caught up in the events of the past.
"But you just thought that you could come back into his life and he would welcome you with open arms. Like nothing had happened. It wasn't that easy."
Serena shakes her head at Blair.
"I didn't! All I wanted that day was a chance to talk to him and to explain everything. You didn't give me that. You lied instead."
"I couldn't give you that chance!" Suddenly Blair is the one who's yelling.
She feels tears pressing too, but chases them away.
"I was starting to get feelings for him again and I knew he was getting them for me too. I couldn't let you ruin it. Cause lets face it, he would have chosen you. People always choose you."
Serena looks down. Tries to get the tears to stop.
"Even my own mother prefers you." Blair spits.
Serena wants to roll her eyes at that. Is tired of Blair being so insecure around her.
"We are adults now, Blair. We are not in high school anymore. No matter how scared you were, you should have told him. He had the right to at least have a choice."
Blair hasn't got an answer for that. She knows that Serena is right. But back then, telling Nate wasn't an option. All her insecurities stopped her from telling Nate that Serena came to see him, that she left a message for him. And the lie she told Serena about Nate not wanting to see her came as natural as the truth would have. She didn't regret that lie back then. Now, when she is standing with the answers in her hand, has seen the future, she regrets it more than she can even express.
"So you and Nate are together now?" She asks instead of apologizing. The words just fumbles out of her mouth.
She should tell Serena that she is sorry.
"Yes." Serena just says and walks towards the door.
Blair doesn't stop her from leaving. She is frozen. For more than one reason. Everything is blurry and all the happiness she has felt the past days completely gone.
Dan walks out in the living room when he hears the front door shut with a bang.
He sees Blair standing with her arms crossed at the center of the room.
Her eyes blank and her hands shaking a bit.
He walks up to her and lays his arms around her securely.
"What was all that about?" Even though he thinks he has the whole picture. He heard the words they yelled at each other. He got the context. Just wants to hear Blair's version of things.
Her mind is spinning. She still has one secret left. The one about their baby. The one he can't know.
But this proves that nothing stay hidden. No secret is really safe.
She wants to throw up. She can't do this. She can't move in with him and not tell him. She can't marry him one day with this thing buried between them. She can't bring their kids into this world without him knowing that they once made another child.
But she doesn't know if she can tell him either.
She will lose him.
He can't stay after knowing. But she can't stay if she doesn't say it. Not now.