A Very Potter Crossover Special
The stones had a terrible smell to them and the whole castle seemed like it was about to fall apart. The brats running about spitting out their weird spells wouldn't stop chattering like idiots. The stairways seemed to be secretly plotting to kill you at any moment.
But the worst damn thing was that he was stuck in this baby prepubescent little boy's body without any of his normal powers. No regeneration and no damn claws. It was like walking around in a pile of unsteady bones and meat - he felt like he was about to fall over at any moment.
At least the grub was decent. He pushed some larger kid aside forcefully, grabbing a seat at the large table. The big kid scowled, but the big ones always came down just as easy as anyone else.
"Got a problem, bub?" Colin scowled.
Ron walked over to Harry and Hermione and sat down next to them. "Have you noticed that Colin's been acting a bit odd lately?"
"Shut your piehole, Red," Hermione told him conversationally, and lit a large cigar. "Say, you look like you know the score around here. Any booze in this crazy backwards shack?" She puffed on the cigar and blew the smoke in Ron's face.
"Gleah!" Ron waved his hands in front of his face. "Hermione, what's wrong with you?"
"Hermoonie, eh?" She looked down at herself and nodded. "Odd name for a meatbag chick, but I've heard worse."
Ron blinked and turned to Harry, who was looking around the room with an eerie smile. "Harry, are you okay? You look weird too."
"Oh, I'm quite well, Ron," Harry answered with a sort of upper class accent. "I appreciate your concern, but I assure that all is in hand. Miss Granger - that is, Hermione, is merely attempting to acclimate to a new, very different environment."
Hermione laughed and smacked Harry on the back. "You're all right, four eyes!"
A sudden and very concerned voice interrupted their conversation. "Is that a cigarette?" It was Professor Snape, looking actually worried. "You know, children, smoking is bad for you."
"For you, maybe," Hermione said, chewing on the end of her cigar. "Hey, maybe you'd know where a girl could get something to drink around here? I had to steal this stogie from some old man."
Professor Snape gasped. "Drinking alcoholic beverages? That's not for kids - only for adults, and then just in moderation, never before driving."
"Eh, I've driven drunk boatloads of times," Hermione snorted and tapped out her cigar in Harry's pumpkin juice. "Only killed a few people. The way I see it, that's coming out ahead. Hermoonie all the way."
"It's pronounced 'Hermione'," Harry told the girl gently. "And you really ought to try to speak with the appropriate accent."
"Sorry about tha' guvnah," Hermione replied with a truly atrocious accent. "Be quite a shame not to 'ave a spot of whiskey, ain't it?"
Ron scratched his nose. "Right, okay. I think it's time for class."
Harry brightened. "Ah, yes! Transfiguration magic lessons. I am looking forward to it."
"Say," Professor Snape said, rubbing his chin. "I think I'm a teacher here. Do you think I have any classes today?"
"You're teaching the NEWT class," Harry informed him. "But I'm sure you can skip it, if you must."
Snape shook his head. "No, no. It's my responsibility, so I'll figure it out." He began to walk away, and then paused. "Say, you wouldn't know what I'm teaching, do you?"
"Potions," answered Harry. "And I am certain your office has many books on the subject."
With a smile that seemed insanely out his place on his countenance, Snape nodded and ran off.
Professor McGonagall walked back and forth in front the classroom, a very off-putting and actually lusty grin on her face as she looked over the students. She eyed Susan Bones and whistled, then leaned over the Hufflepuff's desk.
"Do I make you horny baby?" The Professor grinned. "Bit of bird on bird action, maybe? I've got the equipment, might as well put it to good use, baby!"
Post note: Yeah... so this petered out as I reached that final scene there. For some reason it just got too silly to even try to write more of. But have you cottoned on to who's who?
A bit of spoiler:
Colin is Wolverine from X-Men
Hermione is Bender from Futurama
Harry is Professor X from X-Men
Snape is Kermit the Frog from the Muppets
McGonagall is Austin Powers from the movie of the same name
My other planned inclusions? Scrooge McDuck (Duck Tales), Zach Morris (Saved By The Bell), Eric Cartman (South Park), Indiana Jones, James Bond, Jigglypuff (Pokemon), Hit Girl (Kick Ass), Lisa Simpson, Batman, Neo (The Matrix), Mario, and various undetermined Final Fantasy, Star Wars, Star Trek, Disney, and Street Fighter characters. Oh, and a very special cameo by the Dude (The Big Lebowski):
"So I think I'm going crazy," Ron finally finished his story and frowned at the Headmaster. "Sir, are you even listening to me?"
Dumbledore blew out a puff of purple smoke. "Man, these magic men make the craziest weed."