WARNING NOTE: This story is unconscionably silly.
This story evolved from my distaste of so-called "pranks" in various and sundry Harry Potter fics. It seems that no one is able to come up with any pranks that are interesting at all. They tend to be the same:
1) Embarrassing people by forcing them to sing some arbitrary and anachronistic Muggle song
2) Changing the colors of things
Need I remind everyone what the Marauders, so-called pranksters, actually did?
1) Created an essentially infallible map of everyone that is in Hogwarts
2) Tricked Snape into almost being eaten by a werewolf
What did the Weasley Twins do?
1) They probably were caught in the Forbidden Forest
2) Used a lot of Zonko's
3) Created items that make you fake-sick or giant birds
What has Harry ever done?
The Esteemed Lord Jeram Productions Presents:
A Harry Potter Fanfiction Tale of Very Little Note Entitled:
Harry Potter the Overly Competent Prankster
Prologue – In Which The Stage Is Set Prematurely
The canonical elements of the fifth book of the Harry Potter series, that is, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, occur as originally envisioned. Except for one, very minor change: Harry Potter has some sort of brain damage. And thus Harry's perceptions are indefinitely altered from what initially had been.
Chapter One – In Which Harry Receives Incorrect Information from a Premonition Due To Poorly Prepared Foodstuffs
The students chattered and gossiped, excited about starting a new year at Hogwarts.
Albus Dumbledore stood and cleared his throat, instantly quieting the room, as all awaited to hear his yearly wisdom and arbitrary remunerations of annual announcements. Suddenly the Headmaster snarled and his face filled with furious anger and great vengeance.
"I'd like to introduce you all to this year's new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor," Headmaster Dumbledore yelled angrily at the shocked Hogwarts students. "Presenting a truly foolish man: Julius Underhill!"
The door to the Great Hall slammed open, and a figure stepped inside, stepping forward purposefully. As the man walked forward purposefully, the students could not help but stare, as the new Professor had bright green hair. Incidentally, Professor Underhill also had a terrible limp, but no one had bothered to notice that, as the green hair was a bit glaring.
"Students!" Underhill held up his hands and began to turn in a circle, looking over all the tables packed with hungry students. "Allow me to present myself to you! I am Professor Julius Ignatius Malefactorus Stupendous Underhiiiii!" The Professor suddenly tripped over his own feet, which had not rotated as quickly as the rest of him. Instantly, the entire Hall burst into hysterical laughter, including the amused Professors.
McGonagall was snickering into her hat, while Snape literally laughed his own head off. Hagrid was laughing so hard, he accidentally breathed in Flitwick. And Dumbledore... well, the esteemed Headmaster was silently laughing, tears running down his cheeks, his nose erupting in a volley of phlegm and mucus, while he slapped Sprout on the back so hard her back snapped. Which didn't stop the Herbology Professor from laughing, of course.
Professor Underhill rose to his feet, his face bright red with embarrassment. "How DARE you? I shall show you how powerful I can be!" He whipped out his wand and pointed it at the Ravenclaw table. "Accio smarts!" Suddenly the studious students of Rowena's house began drooling, bumping their heads together and furrowing their brows in a futile attempt to understand the situation. Underhill grinned and turned to the Slytherins.
"Accio pureblood!" Within seconds, the Professor was drenched in the wrenched life fluid of the House of Snakes. Only the two mudbloods of Slytherin were left alive, and they had vomited so vehemently at the sight of the horrible corpses of their housemates, they had literally thrown up their insides.
Underhill snarled and turned next to the Gryffindors. "Accio common sense!" Of course, nothing happened, and Underhill realized his mistake.
"Oh, sorry about that. Accio self-confidence!" After a pause, the Lions all started to cry, sobbing about their awful, awful fate. More than a few transfigured their clothes and hair to a proper "emo black", because no one understood them. Of course, once one student (Euan Abercrombie, 2nd year) slit his wrists just to FEEL SOMETHING, the other Gryffindors quickly followed suit.
Now Dumbledore stood up giddily. "Ooh, ooh, let me try," he said incongruously and turned to Hufflepuff. "Accio follicles!" An odd wind passed over the 'puff table, and the now completely bald students looked at each other and cheered. Because they liked things shaved.
"I've got an idea!" Susan "Bone-Dry" Bones said excitedly, rubbing her heads over her smooth cranium. "Let's go play with the Ravenclaws!"
All the Hufflepuffs agreed this was a fantastic idea, as now they could finally claim to be intellectually superior to the Ravenclaws. So the Hufflepuffs ended up marrying the Ravenclaws in mass wedding officiated by a sobbing and crippled Sprout, while Flitwick assisted from inside Hagrid's nose.
The new Professor, one young Julius Underhill, ended up slipping on an enormous puddle of blood in the Great Hall, and cracking his neck. He died instantly, albeit in an incredible amount of ironic pain. Ironic, because he died how he lived - slipping on giant pools of blood.
And Dumbledore? He gathered all the Gryiffindor and Slytherin corpses and had a "wedding" of his own. Finally the two houses would get along.
Oh, and where was Harry Potter all this time? He was sleeping late and missed the whole damn thing.
OR WAS HE?
Chapter Two – In Which Harry Concocts an Ill-Advised Plan
Harry awoke with a start in the Gryffindor dorms. "Damn. That was a trippy dream. Guess I shouldn't have eaten all those roasted eels last night for dinner. But wait..."
Harry rubbed his chin thoughtfully and considered his bizarre dream. "Perhaps it's a message from Sirius! Perhaps it's a message that the best way to avenge his memory is through an escalating series of ridiculous pranks, each more zany than the last. Yes, that's Precisely what he would have wanted."
Harry began to cackle quite disconcertingly. "The Marauders will live again! I'll even use a code name that matches my Animagus form – someone who can regrow hair overnight after getting a haircut. I shall be called..."
Chapter Three – In Which Harry Decides On a Inappropriate Nickname
"Sir GrowsAlot!" Harry declared in triumph.
"And now," Harry steepled his fingers evilly. "For my first sinister and hilarious prank. It'll be great."
Chapter Four – In Which Harry Devises A Plan Involving Ludicrous Amounts Of Love Potionings
The plan was simple: Merely dose several vivacious young ladies of Hogwarts with copious amounts of Amortentia targeted at various other students. And then Harry would sit back and watch in glee.
Of course, he couldn't be caught doing anything, so a bit of sneakery was needed to ensure that Fred and George would take the fall for the chicanery. He would merely leave a bit of "evidence" where it would be discovered by the Professors.
The next morning, Harry sat back in his chair, chortling with ill-concealed glee. His classmates looked at him oddly, but then again, his godfather had recently died, so perhaps he was just mourning? Harry was all too willing to exploit their misapprehensions.
Harry giggled as he watched several people in the Great Hall drink their morning pumpkin juice. Any second now…
"Enjoying that pumpkin juice, Ron?" Harry slyly inquired to his red-haired chum.
"Hmmph?" Ron asked, mouth filled with pumpkin juice.
"Oh, nothing," Harry replied with a wicked grin. "Nothing at all."
There was a bit of a commotion nearby down the table, and Harry turned to watch his fun unfold.
Lavender Brown had gotten off the bench and was kneeling on the floor next to Parvati.
"Mwa?" Ron questioned.
"Parvati, I can't keep silent anymore," Lavender shouted with passion to a red-faced Parvati. "You need to know the truth. I love you! And I've only just now realized how foolish I've been these past few years."
Ron spit out his pumpkin juice impressively. "What?" He sputtered.
"I knew it!" Hermione muttered to herself.
Parvati took a sip of her pumpkin juice to settle her nerves. Her eyes widened and she jumped on the table, scattering plates and dishes. "Lavender," Parvati proclaimed with such volume, the entire Hall could hear easily. "Although I care deeply for you, I would be remiss if I didn't follow my own heart as well. There is someone here I love deeply in every possible way."
Parvati jumped off the Gryffindor table, knocking a few people aside, and dashed over to the Ravenclaw table. She grabbed her sister by the shoulders and looked deep into her eyes.
"This is nutters," Ron said, taking another gulp of his juice.
"Padma, you know it's always been you!" Parvati shouted. "We've been together all this time, haven't we?"
"N-no!" Padma protested awkwardly. "It's not like that, Parvati! We don't have that kind of relationship!"
"Then what can you say about all the times we 'experimented' together? Did that mean nothing at all when we lay naked together?"
Ron spat out his pumpkin juice again.
Padma gently disengaged the frantic hands of her twin from her robes. "I'm sorry, Parvati dear, you know you will always be precious to me. But I cannot sit idly by while my own true love is alone, hurting so deeply!"
Parvati stepped back, clutching her robes in shock.
Padma stood and smiled widely.
"Quick, Hermione!" Ron urged his bookish friend. "Pass me Parvati's pumpkin juice right now! I need it!"
"Well, all right Ron," Hermione said with a shrug, passing Parvati's abandoned juice to him.
Ron quickly drank a healthy mouthful.
"Cho Chang!" Padma leapt across the table into the surprised older girl's lap and turned to face her. "Cho, I love you." With a quick motion, Padma grabbed Cho's face and kissed her deeply.
Ron spit out his juice all over Hermione, who had accidentally moved in his way. He wiped his mouth. "Thanks, Hermione."
A now drenched Hermione looked quite annoyed. "You're quite welcome, I'm sure," she said acidly.
Ron grinned obliviously.
Cho pushed Padma away and shook her head. "I am so sorry, Padma. So sorry. But you aren't the one I love either."
Ron pointed at Harry with a questioning look.
Harry couldn't help but chuckle. "Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that Ron."
Cho slowly walked down the Ravenclaw table until she reached the younger students. "Luna, I have a confession to make."
Luna blinked in surprise.
"I know realize how silly and capricious I have been aught these many years at dear Hogwarts," Cho declared dramatically at the top of her lungs. "All those times I said horrible things or hurt you, it was because I was so jealous of your beauty and intelligence. I was mean because I loved you, Luna. I desperately hope you can forgive me and we can be together."
"I'm out of pumpkin juice," Ron realized in a panic. He slumped forward and sighed. "Oh, bugger."
Hermione smacked him on the back of his head.
Luna smiled beatifically and held a suddenly joyful Cho's hands. "Cho, I wish it was so simple."
Cho's expression crumbled.
"But like the other girls, I too have someone I care for that I must address," Luna explained matter-of-factly. "It would hardly be beautiful or intelligent of me not to follow my own heart, would it?"
Cho shook her head sadly and then burst into tears.
Luna got up from the Ravenclaw and serenely glided over to the Gryffindor table.
The Great Hall was absolutely silent; all eyes were on Luna Lovegood.
Luna stopped before Ron and Hermione and smiled brightly. "You know, it's always been you, with your magnificent brain and your intolerant attitude!"
"I don't think both of those are me," Ron said slowly. "So you mean Hermione?"
"Obviously, Ronald," Luna replied happily. "The question is whether or not she too has a different potential paramour."
"I'm afraid I do," Hermione said suddenly in realization. "And that love is right in front of me!"
Ron pointed to himself, then to Harry. Then back to himself. "It's one of us?" He didn't quite look like he knew how to feel about that.
"No!" Hermione shouted. "It is the one I have loved all along!" She grabbed a book from the table. "It's you, my darling!"
"Is that Hogwarts: A History?" Ron grumbled. "I suppose I should've known."
Harry grinned manically, having difficulty suppressing his mad giggling.
Hermione began to make out with the thick book, which began to get quite heated.
"Oh, come on then!" Ron protested. "You'll get a paper cut or something if you keep that up!"
"Albus!" Professor McGonagall shrieked, finally shocked out of her stunned stupor. "Do something!"
The Headmaster chuckled and looked happy. "I think it's quite wondrous that these young ladies are brave enough to admit such proclivities. In my day, such notions were not at all looked on with favor. I say we grant them all the very best of our thoughts."
"They've clearly been given some sort of potion, Albus!" Minerva sputtered.
"I must concur," a shell-shocked Snape agreed, trying to regain his composure.
"Enough!" McGonagall stormed over to the Gryffindor table. "This nonsense started at my table. Who's responsible?"
Harry laughed with glee. "Wow, Fred and George really outdid their selves this time, eh?"
The aforementioned Weasley twins blinked in surprise.
"Now, wait a moment," Fred said to forestall McGonagall's impeding fury. "We didn't do this business."
"And we're only visiting after all," George added. "End of the year and all. We aren't exactly, you know…"
"Students, right?" Fred pointed out. "We dropped out, didn't we?"
"If you think that's going to keep you from detention, you both are sadly mistaken! Up! Both of you! Let's go!"
Harry laughed evilly. All according to plan…
Harry Initiates a Set of Horrible and Terrible Pranks That Cause Great Sorrow
But at least Harry will have a laugh about it