Title: If You Really Knew me

Summary: Mia comes across her grandmother's diary… "One night there was a pair of scissors on the table next to me…I took them and cut a smooth line across the top of both of my thighs… I felt immediate relief… And then I felt the shame...I swore I'd never do it again... That was me 7 years ago." C/J.

Disclaimer: I do not own Princess Diaries, nor do I own Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement, I also do not own any of the Cast members. They belong to Meg Cabot and Disney & all of the other respectful owners. I do however own my writing, so please don't steal Johanna-002©.

I am so sorry I keep re-posting this story! 1st time- the link was glitchy and wouldn't go through. 2nd time- I didn't realize I posted the contents of my Mia story: "You Know My Name; Not my story" under this title and summary. So I am very truly sorry. I know you are all sick of getting this "New Story" update to this story.

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-01-

Amelia eyed the diary on the table. As she sat down, she hesitantly reached for it.

It was unlocked.

With a deep breath and looking around reassuringly- hoping no one would catch her, she slowly opened the cover. As she skimmed the pages, a particular entry caught her eyes- it was dated to be written a week ago. Looking around to make sure she was still alone, she began to read.

"Dear Diary, June 20, 2005

No one really knows who I am. Not truly. Only Joseph... Only Joseph knows the real me. He's the only one who see's past the crown. He's the only who knows my story.

But I'm tired of hiding... So here I go:

I'm Clarisse.

I used to be your average person…

Happy

Not a worry in the world…

Normal.

Then I started to notice things.

I didn't have many friends…

My body wasn't perfect…

My face… Ew!

I had a lot of expensive things…

And a lot of money...

But money doesn't buy you happiness.

I was different…

Very different,

I ignored it at first.

Then people got to me…

Saying things… Mean things.

It made me cry... a lot.

One night there was a pair of scissors on the table next to me…

I took them and cut a smooth line across the top of both of my thighs… I felt immediate relief.

And then I felt the shame...

I swore I'd never do it again...

That was me 7 years ago.

The next year went by…

No Cuts.

The year after things got harder…

My son passed away.

I ignored all the pain I felt until it just got to be too much...

I cut again.

I became extremely depressed… I wanted to die.

My best-friend, Joseph, saved me.

I promised my self "never again"…

That was the absolute hardest year of my life.

A year later… I met my grand daughter…

She told me she hated me.

People talked about me… about us.

I wasn't fair to fair to her.

I broke her… I hurt her.

Because of me, she was bullied even more… And not just at school.

The high-class people I associated with would say awful things about the situation…

"She's ugly"

"She's weird"

"She's too skinny"

"She's not skinny enough"

It hurt both of us.

She forgave me.

I still can't seem to forgive my self.

People said I was a horrible grandmother…

I just wanted to protect her from the evil our life-style impended.

I cut again… I still have only told one person…

Joseph.

Then the nasty things we're said…

"... Just ignore her like you did before…"

"She will never be fit to rule…"

"She's not one of us..."

"Everybody's going to hate her..."

"You hated her for so long… Admit it..."

After such words had been spoken to me, I went crazy with guilt…

Cutting became an everyday thing...

I just wanted relief...

I wanted to DIE.

First and foremost I had hurt my granddaughter... And in general- many people…

Who would miss me?

Suicide?

I considered it… A lot...

But I couldn't let my granddaughter face the pain and degradation of the royal structure alone…

Especially not after I had caused it.

Then my first real 'girl'-friend came along…

Darline.

I thought she changed me… She seemed to have understood me.

But she just hid that part of me…

We went our separate ways.

It was for the best… even though I was devastated.

Depression started coming back.

I didn't cut though.

All the while, he was sneaking into my heart…

Joseph.

He makes me the happiest I've been.

EVER.

At times I still feel broken…

But he is always willing, and going out of his way to make me feel whole...

He makes me feel whole by just being with me and loving me.

I've slipped up a few times…

He promises he'll always love me and stay by me.

I still cry a lot...

His hugs make me feel better.

People still get to me...

He makes all the pain go away.

I still feel worthless…

He makes me feel beautiful and important.

When I feel useless and unwanted...

Joseph says he'll always need me. I believe him.

And when I feel horrible...

He makes me feel special.

I was afraid that I'd hate myself forever…

He says I didn't have to…

He was right.

I used to feel so alone…

He had wanted to marry me...

I wanted to marry him too!

But I couldn't…. Not at that moment in time…

I broke his heart and he left me…

I tried to stay strong.

I wasn't very good at it…

But I tried.

A few days later he came back!

Now we're married!

I'm so happy to be his wife!

I love him so much!

He has created a whole new person by just simply loving me.

This is who I was…

Broken

A mess

Complicated

Misunderstood

Judged

Depressed

Weak… Fake.

Now…

I'm happy

I don't cut

I'm a wife

I'm not depressed

I love life and I live it to the fullest.

I'm a grandmother and a great- grandmother

I am forever strong and forever loved."

Author's Note: Continue? Yes, No?